Sneeze on Command

You know he can just get into my head and spin it in many directions that I think up is down. It is so so...well frustrating...because I will be going "huh what just happened" and be completely turned on at the same time. I have said to him before jokingly, "You have brainwashed me to think it is perfectly normal do that to me." He just looks at me like, "Yeah so." 

Really not sure it is brainwashing or mind control, but instead I see it more as forms of conditioning and training me. Not just my training me how he likes his coffee, but to train me to react the way he wishes...even my brain. Okay so maybe I am in denial about it being brainwashing and mind control.


One day I felt a sneeze coming, but it wouldn't. For about 20 minutes (maybe not that long just seemed like a long time to me) I struggled and just wished the freakin sneeze would come out. I said that outloud to Master as we were watching a movie. We sat there a few minutes, he paused the movie, turned to me, and said, "sneeze." I sneezed. My mind is conditioned to obey him so I sneezed when he ordered me to do so.

Could he just tell me to sneeze when I wasn't feeling it coming - I am not sure it would work. But I do know the seeds he plants often flower exactly when he wishes.

Mentors in BDSM Community

This is one of my soap box issues I am writing about.  I will also state by putting something on the internet I do know that I will get opinions that differ from mine and I am fine with that because for me people reading more than one perspective is always a good thing.

The definition of Mentor:

noun

1. a wise or trusted adviser or guide

I am not a fan of having mentors. I think forming friendships is better than having a mentor. Because friends know you, know what you are seeking, what you like and dislike, and have your back. I think often a person asks someone to be their mentor when they really don't know them well and how can that person help you when they don't really know you has always been my question. As it says in the the definition above "trusted" and to me often people ask a mentor to guide them without really forming trust or knowing the mentor well enough to know if they are wise and can be trusted.

In my years of being in the BDSM community, honestly, I haven't seen many mentors be close to the definition. There are some, I am just saying the majority don't end up like the definition. I am going to share the mentorships I have seen and why they never seem to work well:

1) It's a Show & Ego - It's all about appearances and who knows who. The mentor might be someone big in the community or even nationally recognized so they will be a great mentor, right? Really just because someone is recognizable within the BDSM community doesn't automatically make them a good mentor. It usually ends up just being about the appearance - the person being the mentor and the mentee get something out of those feelings...makes both feel like they are special. But it doesn't mean that they are being a wise and trusted adviser and guide. Or even know each other enough to make it a good mentorship.

2) Lacking Experience - Sue is mentoring Mary. Mary wants to feel wax and so Sue recommends Carl. Sue doesn't really know Carl, but just going off that demo she saw one time, but doesn't want to admit that she doesn't know him. Come to find out Carl has actually burnt several s-types. OR the other scenario - Sue reads a couple essays and then decides to just try it on Mary even though she has never done it before. My point Sue is lacking experience and doesn't want to say that. The mentor doesn't want to look bad so they guess instead of saying "I will need to research that and ask around to find a person that is good for you." Going to my friend she will say "hey, I had such and such do wax on me and it was amazing." Can a mentor say that too, yes, but I have seen it far too often as the mentor not wanting to "look bad" so they fake it.

3) Maid & BJ Service - Dan is a d-type and the mentor. Fran is the s-type and the mentee. Dan is going to mentor Fran in the guise of "training" - so Dan is getting a maid and blow job service. A friend can tell you about the lifestyle without having you clean their house.

4) Just a User - Sally is mentoring Joe. Every time Sally and Joe go out to eat, he pays. She sees something in a shop she wants and Joe offers to get it for her. She might do the polite thing of saying, "oh no," but eventually it comes back to "yes please do buy it." Their relationship ends up being more about him buying her stuff than about guiding and advising.

5) Blurred Boundaries - Frank, a d-type, is mentoring Greta who is an s-type. They have sex and bdsm involved in the mentorship so that she can learn and feel different toys and sexual techniques. It starts to blur boundaries and meaning of relationship. One of two things happen often when this type of relationship is set up - Greta starts falling in love with Frank and he ends the relationship so then instead of dealing with a mentorship ending she is dealing with a broken heart OR Frank might not see things as objective and not give Greta a full scope of information because that boundary has been crossed. When you go to friends, you are getting each of their own perspectives based on their experiences, but that is why you have more than one friend so you can get different views and a good friend will push you to find your own view too. And again friends know you and what you are seeking so can come at it from that direction.

6) One True Way - Hilda tells Jane who she is mentoring - one view - her own. So Jane might view SSC as the only way because Hilda never shared RACK or PRICK. Going to friends you are getting each of their views and again friends encourage each to find our own views.

7) As Protection - I think many s-types use it as a crutch so they don't have to deal with anyone. They don't like confrontation or conflict so someone else gets to deal with the d-types writing them or hitting on them in person. I get some d-types can be pushy, but all you can do is to tell them no and to back off. A mentor or protector won't do anything else. If you are having problems with confrontation and standing up for yourself, it is my suggestion to look into why you have those issues and work on them. Personal responsibility is a lot more sexy then most people give it credit. The dominants worth their weight in gold - are the ones that see you standing up for yourself and being a strong, capable person and like it. If you are having problems with a dominant - go to your friends first. Because if I want someone to have my back, my friends will do that better as they know me. I can say "hey if you see so and so approach me come and check on me." I am not meaning just s-type friends. Make d-type friends, because if it gets to the point of someone being too assertive having a d-type at your back when you say no isn't a bad thing. Again I am not saying don't have protection, but have protection in the form of a friend because they know you. But just letting you know if you stand up and say no to those pushy dominants - eventually sets a reputation up that you won't be walked over and that just because you are submissive doesn't mean you submit to every Tom, Dick or Harry that comes along.

Do I believe in learning, exploring and safety? Absolutely, but I think there are so many ways to do that. Having community that does discussions and demos. Creating friendships of like minds. Reading and joining in discussions online all help in educating ourselves. Using all these things will help you figure what you want and desire.

Necktie on the Doorknob

Master had a rare appointment this afternoon where he had to wear a tie. I set his clothes out and hung the tie over the closet doorknob.

This is the convo we had as he got dressed:

Him: does the a tie over the doorknob mean you want sex?
me: I always want sex, but technically that tie is on the closet doorknob so not sure that means the same thing.
Him: that means you want to be locked in the closet.
me: mmms yes I think that is it Master.

Yes I love sex and it turns me on, but the thought of being locked in the closet turn me on more. I think I might be kinky.

Edit to add: My first thought that came to me when thinking of being locked in the closet was Master having sex with someone while I was locked in the closet.

Sustainable Service

I am posting (with permission) an essay by my good friend Jouet to our website. It is titled Sustainable Service - here is a quote from it:  

"Because “service equals reverence/gratitude/love” to me in some way that stubbornly defies logic. Above all else, my struggle is because I think he is an amazing rock star and it seems like I cannot give him “enough” in return."

Just Life

photo of Rocky Mountain National Park.

I haven't done a life update in a long time so thought I would throw out what is going on....

* Last weekend Master took me a place that had special memories for me. It was a place that my ex-husband and I used to go. I didn't want to re-write those memories, but I just wanted memories with Master there. It was almost 17 years to the day that I was there last with my ex-husband - Master I were there.  Master and I had a great time and made some amazing memories! I appreciate him making time in his schedule to make that happen for me and us.

* This week many of those areas are covered with water and being evacuated. It is so sad.

* Friends: Excited to see friends, who we haven't seen a while, this week.  We have been enjoying the company of another friend this past week.  Thankful for a conversation with a friend that helped me in some areas I am struggling.  Thankful to yet another friend creating an interesting week by throwing me under the bus a few times. :)

* Our town has had a more active community the last several months. Master and I have become more active in it. We are enjoying getting to know people. Something we were really wanting were discussions and demos and that has been happening.

* Because of being more active - you might have noticed I have been more active in blogging as I have had more ideas for topics.  Which is why I am going to be blogging about some basic things, because our community does have quite a lot of people new to BDSM.

* Drama and gossip happens in all groups. But I can say that is one thing I didn't miss about being active in a community. It has been hard, because as much as I have missed community - sometimes the drama and group think really can take a toll on me and I think I survived for 10 years without it so do I really need it?

* I  am about embracing the whole community though. Even those that I don't agree with or even people I don't like that much - we all are still part of the people under the same umbrella - BDSM community.  If we can't come together for the better of the community then we have no business talking.  It kind of reminds me of the quote that Dr. Brene Brown uses in her book Daring Greatly by Theodore Roosevelt - "It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat."  I am in the arena and I doing my best and doing what is right for everyone in the community - not just myself. Because of course it is for myself - I want community so there is something there for me. But I see a bigger picture and maybe that was because I was so involved with a great community in Ohio.

* End of February Master updated my phone to an iPhone. I have been taking photos non-stop since then. I submitted some photos to an author when they had a call for submissions.  I really didn't think I would be chosen, but I was, so one of my photos will be published in a book.

* Master and I have been traveling so much.We have put 20,000 miles on the car in 9 months.

* I had an end of the summer cold that lasted 2 weeks. I still have some cough, but the cold is gone. 

* This year has been a great year for me creatively - art, photography and poetry.  I just have put so much of myself into it and I feel the joy coming of it in waves.

* Having lots of joy through creativity, but I am also struggling with loss of myself in movement.  My body is giving way to illness and I am having to learn how to do things differently now.

* Gratitude is a practice - that I try to engage in daily.  Thought I would share some from of my positives from my life the last couple months: Poetry dates, taking photos of old buildings, spankings from Master,  meeting new friends, dressing up, naps, being published, art time, brownies, game night, laughing, tea, therapy, bruises that make me smile every time I look at them, a clean house, Chinese food while watching John Stewart, playing in the park (not BDSM play just having fun in a park - dancing, taking goofy photos and so on), fans for hot summer days, mindfucks, sleep, doodles, pretty drives and time with Master, pink toenails, hot fudge sundaes, books, art supplies, and productive days.  I could go on and on. I really love the practice of gratitude as it helps me with my daily outlook on life. Helps me move forward on pain filled days where I start to feel hopeless.

* Adding this....we just revamped our website and Master and I both talked about moving our blogs completely over there.  How would you feel about having one place for M's and my blog?   I will tell you I will have a little bit of a problem moving, but only for sentimental reasons of blogging on blogspot for 13 years next month.  But thought I would throw it out to the actual people reading my blog.  Please feel free to leave a comment or email me.

Goodwill Shopping is Good*

Yesterday kaya wrote about shopping at Goodwill over on FetLife. At first I "hearted" the post and then I realized Goodwill was in the title.

See this is Master's fun at Goodwill, but not so much fun for me: He likes it for humiliation. Going and finding clothing that is too small or finding a muumuu or Grandma's housecoat type dress. Then threatening to make me wear it around town.  So, I was like okay Master has already been inspired by kaya once this week,  I really don't need him to be inspired by the Goodwill post she did so I will unlike that post and hopefully he won't see it on his FetLife feed.

Well unfortunately, Master still saw the post.  He causally mentioned Goodwill, but didn't say if we were going. I just kept my mouth shut as we went on our way doing our various stops around town.  One stop was going to look at mascara at a Clinique counter at a local department store.  I found some I liked and the clerk said, "Would you like to participate in Goodwill day?"  I turned red and choked out, "What is Goodwill day?"  All the while inside I was screaming at her for mentioning the evil words Goodwill.  (Goodwill day is where they donate a percent of all purchases to Goodwill.)

Thankfully Master didn't have us go to Goodwill, but it is still floating around in his head. He really doesn't need help with being sadistic and this week I am blaming kaya for being a source of inspiration.

*I was ordered to do that title. Goodwill shopping isn't good!

Restrained Property

On The Slave Register group on FetLife, there was questions about keeping property in restraints. So thought I would write my answer up as a blog post. Adding some more information to it. 

Master and I have been together 10 years. Sometimes it seems like just yesterday I was stepping off the plane to meet him for the first time.  When I first visited Master, I stayed for a month. In that month, he kept me restrained, locked up, and isolated. It was because....well, both of us get off on that and because he was training me. He was slowing me down and getting me to focus on him.  I lived in Cleveland, Ohio at the time and I was a social butterfly. I had things to do all the time and was just very busy so slowing me down to make me focus on him was exactly what I needed. If I had been brand new to the lifestyle, I am not sure we would have been doing something like this, but really it just depends on the people and what they desire.

My suitcase got locked in the closet and I was stripped naked and cuffed. He would allow access to some items as time went on - such as sexy lingerie so I could dress up for him. Clothes became a privilege he only issued when we were going to go out. He kept me isolated away when I was first arrived so I didn't go out often. At bedtime, one ankle cuff was locked to a chain that was locked to the bed.  He sometimes left me chained to the bed in the morning when he went to work because again he was trying to get me to slow down.  I didn't get much sleep in Ohio, so he was trying to get me to sleep and rest.  The first morning he did that I discovered a problem.  The chain wasn't long enough to go to the toilet in the bathroom. The night before I had put a large plastic cup next to the bed with water.  I took that cup and because I  could just reach the sink with my arms - I emptied it and peed in the cup.  Master loved that I had to piss in a cup.  He almost thought of keeping it that way, but then decided no if I needed to toilet for a bowel movement or throw up - I would need the chain longer so he bought a longer chain.

I cleaned house in the wrist and ankle cuffs - sometimes with a chain between them and sometimes he left the chain off.  At times I was locked away when not serving. I have been locked in a cage to sleep and just kept.  All these things re-enforced my status within his household.  Helped me slow down and focus on him. He became the center of my world and in the type of relationship we wanted and have - M/s and O/p - really that is needed. All those things helped train me to be his slave and property.

Over the years there have been times he has still done those things, but not as long term as that first 30 days.  Some things get harder and harder for me to do because of my health issues also.  So he has to balance if he locks me heavy cuffs to a chore, that might mean I can't move the rest of the day because of pain. 

Being restrained like that does change the way I think and feel though and sometimes just to have those feelings is worth the pain I have on the backside of it. I always feel and know I am Master's property, but  those feelings are heightened with the restraints and locks and such. It also feels more primal because it makes me feel like his object and his captive. It makes me more pliable, demure and submissive.

It does have sexual aspects too it.  It is something that I fantasized about for so long before Master and then it became my reality with him.  But as time went on it really did depend on the situation on if it turned sexual for me. I remember a few times where it just annoyed me and did nothing for me sexually. Other times it felt just very utilitarian, but my body still reacted. And yet other times it was totally sexual even if cleaning or doing mundane tasks.

It can be impractical in general keeping a slave in restraints, but that really is some of the purpose to me to help figure out how to do this task without them getting in the way - such not getting my leather cuffs wet (we have a set that just is used for this purpose so they do get beat up more because of it). But I try hard to not have the o-ring on them bang a glass while loading the dishwasher because it could break it. I have to really focus on my movements and what the things I have on will do with the task at hand. It is difficult to do many tasks and sometimes hurts with chains, locks, cuffs digging in as I do the task. Although it does make me focus on the task sometimes it made me feel good inside being locked up like that and knowing it pleased Master that I do these tasks like that - other times it annoyed me. It is more impractical now because I have some health issues and chains and cuffs hurt more now and doing one thing might have lasting impact for days.

Over all I think having the restraints especially locking ones and being kept naked - really re-enforced my status in his house. I think it was the perfect thing to do - to train me to focus on him and my service. It made those internal workings really know I am his slave and property - he owns me and I have to obey him.

His Hands

I love Master. I pretty much worship him.  I can't imagine being with anyone else.  I get obsessed with certain things about him every so often.  Today we were traveling to a little town near us and I kept staring at his hands.

I love his hands.
I love feeling his spankings as he is a drummer and drummers make the best spankers.
I love how his hand wraps around my wrist, guiding me, and watching me become demure and pliable under that one act.
I love his hands wrapping in my hair and shoving me down to my knees to suck his cock, holding me in place, choking and then setting the tempo to his desire.
I love that he pushes and pulls my body into position - to please him, to writh for him, to entertain him, to amuse him as I struggle against his grip.
I love to feel his hands sliding down the side of my face and smiling at me with love, affection, passion.
I love that the next moment he takes his hands and shoves me against the wall
I love that I see the sadist looking back at me as he wraps his hand around my throat.
I love the feeling his hands on my body and knowing they claim me as his and only his.
I love that he takes me in any way he desires - by probing, grabbing, slapping, shoving, pinning, plundering, reducing me to whatever he wishes.
I love when he twists my hair into his fist and growls in my ear.
I love that he grips and probes my body with strength and ownership.
I love feeling his hand slapping my face over and over so violently that takes my breath away.
I love his grip around my throat, pinching my nose closed, covering my mouth - restricting my breath making me breath only for him.
I love when he holds me down, digging his fingers into my flesh that leave bruises and show me where I belong.
I love to when he uses his hands to make me suffer and cry tears for him.
I love feeling his hands slapping, punching, shoving, grabbing, twisting, pinching, clawing, choking, beating, stroking, caressing, soothing - all things that touch me and claim me as his property.
Damn I love him and his beautiful strong hands that torment me and love me all at once.

His Authority Over My Life

Master does exercise authority over most things in my life. Some of them are things he told or trained me to do and expects I will obey and fulfill them without him having to go over it each and every time. Some things he tells me what to do each and every time.

To read about the specifics of that authority and control over my life go to our blog on within Reality: His Authority Over my Life 

For those that read my reply to the Master/slave group - my blog expands on the specifics areas of control.

Downton Abbey Season 4

The folks in the UK get to see Season 4 soon.....here is the trailer....

He's a Creep

Have you ever got an email or had someone approach you and think, "He's a creep?"  I know I have done it.  But I would like to reframe that a bit - instead of thinking "He's a creep" instead maybe think "You know he isn't my type, but he has a match out there." 


I do think there are people who are inappropriate on their interactions.  But I think the ones that are truly inappropriate are usually easy to spot:

• Asking to hook up for sex
• Asking for naked photos
• Asking you to do something like send them a note saying you will obey and be their submissive, saying "Kneel Bitch", "what are you wearing", "I am now your dominant and you will only talk to me" and so on with the over the top commands.

I think some people get put in the inappropriate box because....

• Group Think - here is how it happens: Someone writes a sub A a message that is very benign like welcome to fetlife, some safety tips or definitions for when you are new to BDSM. Sub A goes to to sub B and says "So and so wrote me." Sub B says, "Oh stay away from him he is bad news." Now before sub A can even make up her mind he is bad news she has it in her mind he is and goes with it. Then eventually a whole group is thinking this just because sub B doesn't like this person. SO...find out for yourself and don't fall into the group think mentality.

• Not your type - Sometimes we can get a gut reaction just because someone is so not our type that doesn't make them a creep. The emails might just be asking about things you are interested in, but they just aren't your type so it makes you uncomfortable reading it. Better to say "no thank you" then say they are being inappropriate. Because all they are doing is trying to show that they are interested in you. Take it as flattering instead of taking it as they are being a creep. Be clear and polite in expressing you don't have an interest.

• Projecting – In a previous M/s relationship, after asking for release, I really was all over the map. My feelings were chaotic, angry, hurt, sad … everything. I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted. Inside myself, I hated the feeling of not being owned. I felt pressure to find – the one. I started getting hit on right away (as most single submissives do) and I quickly discovered I had become prey. Most of the emails I got were the easy to spot kind (like mentioned at the beginning of the post), but some weren't. I found that I was projecting my own feelings onto them because I felt pressure. I was a mess and didn’t immediately recognize that I needed time to heal. They weren’t pressuring me – it was my own issues pressuring myself that perpetuated my misconception. All they were – were d-types who had an interest in me. Looking back, I can see that they were just carrying on a conversation and simply wanted to get to know me. I turned them away because of my own internal issues and what I was projecting on them. Actually maybe in a way they were meant to help me move forward without pressure, but I couldn’t see that because of the pressure I was placing on myself and how I was feeling in general.

• Misunderstanding – One thing I think that happens more than anything is that we constantly misunderstand the motivations behind what people write or say. I think we’ve gotten so used to overreacting because we aren’t used to people acting like people. We’re used to the ones like “kneel bitch” or “show me your naked pictures.” Sometimes people just write you to get to know you better. Sometimes they crave conversation or they might be lonely or yes there might be an interest. There is nothing inappropriate about that and you’re definitely within your right to then invoke “not your type” as mentioned above. But at least recognize that you may have misunderstood their intentions or read into something that simply wasn’t there. It throws you off because we sometimes automatically put something in the inappropriate column without understanding the motivation in the first place. It’s always better to communicate clearly where you’re coming and/or ask if you are unsure of their intentions so that there can be no misunderstandings down the road.

Some Tips to help you Navigate the Playing Field...

• Take Time -Take the time to get to know someone. Just because you have a few conversations with them doesn't mean they are perfect partner. Let it happen naturally and figure out if your wants and desires meshes with theirs (even the vanilla stuff)

• Be Clear - Be clear within yourself what you are seeking and be clear with those who are interested. It is okay to say "I want to get to know you as friends." It is okay to say, "I want to play, but I don't want this to mean anything, but play." I know that sometimes playing can imply to d-types that the relationship is moving forward. So if that isn't your intention make sure you are clear from the start.

• Attention - Getting emails, chatting, getting attention can make us feel good. When we feel good about that attention, we might do things such as flirt or make comments that can make our intentions change direction. Meaning showing someone your nude photo after you told them you want to be friends is probably going to give mixed signals. It might signal that if you are ready to show a nude picture then you are ready to move forward in this relationship. I am going to throw this out there from years of experience - Guys, even domly types, sometimes take any attention from a submissive as a signal things are moving forward. Because the attention makes them feel good too so the leap forward instead of listening. So just because that attention feels good, keep clear in your boundaries and direction.

• Ask for Advice - but resist the urge to gossip. It is fine to go to a good friend and say "I am confused on this guys signals...here is what has been happening how do you see it" or "I have been telling this guy no but he doesn't seem to be listening can you see if I am giving him mixed signals or what I can do to help him understand." But resist going to friends and saying "hey he is a creep." Because just because he makes you uncomfortable doesn't mean the next person won't be able to break him out of this shell and connect with him. It might be your projection and your issue which makes him feel like a creep to you. Sometimes we are mirror and can learn a lot about what we think of others by turning that around on ourselves.

• Delete & Block - For those FetLife emails that say get on your knees bitch, send me your naked photo, or lets hook up for sex and play type messages - delete them. Don't even respond. If they message again, block them. On FetLife, you go to their profile by clicking on their name. On the right hand of the profile you will see Message Kinkster, Add to My Friends, Report User and Block User. Click Block User for those that are persistent and won't take no for an answer.

• Instinct - last but not least - trust your instinct. If something feels off, then trust your instinct. You don't want to meet with that guy you made a date with, then don't meet with him, be polite and clear when you call him and cancel and yes calling and canceling is the right thing to do. Just don't stand him up as we all know how that feels. Also don't just jump to the conclusion it is him - it might be that you aren't ready or he isn't the one for you. Something made your internal workings go stop and it might be something with him or it might just be something with in yourself.

Bottom line is be clear with people, trust your instincts and use common sense.

within Reality

I am happy to announce that within Reality has been updated.  I moved it to a WordPress based site so that I can update it easier.  We added a few new articles and it now has a blog.  Right now it is M/s based topics from Master blog as well as mine, but we do hope to have new content written just for it.

Please check it out and let me know how it is to navigate as well as any broken links you spot.

within Reality

30 Days of Kink - Day 25

Day 25: How open are you about your kinks?

To those outside the lifestyle - not open at all.  To those within the lifestyle - depends on how close we feel to them.  Recently Master and I have had the pleasure of really getting to know a group of people in our community. We feel comfortable with them so we can be ourselves with them and enjoy things we don't usually allow people to see. It really just depends on the person, how open we are with them.  

When I lived in Ohio, everyone I pretty much met - I came out too.  But with Master having his own business in a smaller town - it really isn't possible.  We still have that fear of being outted.  We aren't ashamed of being in the lifestyle, but we also are realistic in knowing people around us might not approve of our lifestyle and that could ruin Master's business and our lives.  

Happiness From Serving?

Do you believe your happiness can come(in it's entirety) from serving your owner?
I do gain happiness from serving Master, but I gain happiness from many other things and people in my life too. All things and people are in my life with my Owner's permission though so are done through serving him. Such as I am an artist and I create mixed media art works and he encourages this and allows it. By creating art I am serving his wishes and desires. He likes my creative personality as he has similar creative elements in his personality so it meshes well with him.

Do you believe the above view point is healthy?
I don't think it would be a healthy place for me. I know that when I cut art out of my life - I feel unbalanced. I need a creative outlet to be fulfilled just as I need to serve and be owned to feel fulfilled.

What role does being owned play in your personal happiness?
I know that if I were in a relationship that had equal footing, it would make me feel off and uncomfortable. Being owned does provide happiness to me as I feel more myself. It fulfills many elements of my personality.

Does your owner encourage you to rely on (him/her) for your happiness, completely?
No, he doesn't. He likes that I have many interests such as creative elements in my life and that they bring me happiness.  He encourages me to pursue things that make me feel good and happy.

BDSM Play Parties: Part 3 of 3 - New to Play Parties

This is a 3 part series. Part 1 is a general explanation of what a play party is and some of my personal experiences.  Part 2 is about hosting a play party. Know that every place is different and has their own rules. I am covering points based on my own experiences.

Never been to a play party then this post might help you get prepared....

First is the play party at a public space or private?

Some public spaces have members only parties so you would have to be a member before coming to their parties and sometimes they have nights that are open to the general public.  Either way they will most likely have a website and rules on their website about the parties they host. Often private home parties are invitation only and don't expect invitations right away - you need time to get to know the host/hostess well before they might extend an invitation.

Some things to just keep in mind...

* When invited to a play party, you won't be expected to play just because invited. You won't be expected to get naked or do anything that you aren't comfortable doing. It is perfectly fine to watch and learn.

* You will see nudity.  Usually the submissive gets naked or strips down to lingerie, panties/underwear and mostly d-types stay clothed - if anything is taken off - it is a shirt or striping down slightly as flogging or doing a scene can work up a sweat.

* Don't touch people. Don't touch toys without permission. No is no - no matter what. Just because someone is naked doesn't give anyone the right to touch that person without their consent. If you see someone who is nude being touched by people at the party, it is because they have relationships with those people that allow that type of touch. Don't assume because someone is single they are looking for a hook up and are okay with touch. Don't touch people without asking! Not even a hug.

* You might see types of play you are uncomfortable viewing. If it makes you uncomfortable, walk away. There is almost always areas for socializing as well as many other areas for play that might make you more comfortable. We are all unique and all have different ways to express our kinks.

* Don't interrupt scenes.  You might see something you liked - a technique or toy you like, but wait until after the people are done playing and moves to area for socializing to ask about it.  Don't interrupt scenes - even if it makes you uncomfortable...the type of play might an area that doesn't interest you or even frightens you. The screams might sound like something is wrong.  Don't interrupt. The couple has safety measures set and playing how they want to play. If you really think someone is in danger, dungeon type space often has Dungeon Monitors (DMs) walking around go to them and have them take a peek. If at a private party, go to the host and hostess.

* Watching, again is fine, but please be quiet if talking. Keep it to a whisper. No loud conversations or laughter around play areas.

* No jacking off.  If you came there to wank, then you are in the wrong place. You might get turned on watching a scene, but it is considered highly impolite to jack off while watching people play. As I stated in Part 2 - we allowed sex at times, but only in a certain area.  Many parties don't allow for vaginal or anal penetration, but might allow for oral or hands/fingers.  Why they allow for some sexual contact and not others - really just depends on the space or home.  Okay now all that said sometimes a party will be set up specifically to fulfill fantasies and maybe a sub has a fantasy of several men jacking off on her as her D-type beats her - then of course it is okay. But often that kind of party is set up with trusted close friends in a private setting.  So you most likely won't see that type of thing when you attend your first play party.

* Turn off your cell phone and no photos. 

* Single?  Don't expect to go and play. Can you find someone there you might want to play with? Absolutely, but be polite in asking, talk some and negotiate.

* If you think you might want to play, bring your own toys.

* Safewords - usually a dungeon type space will have universal safewords that they want everyone to use so that if DMs hear them and the Top isn't stopping the DM will step in and stop it.  If you read part 2 of this series you will see when we hosted we didn't, we felt everyone was adults and responsible for their own safety.  If you feel like you trust someone enough to play with them, then you should trust each other enough to use safewords or communicate in a way to get your emotional and physical conditions expressed.

* Dress before, during, and after play - I will talk about dresscode more below. Private parties usually want you to arrive in street clothes and then if you desire you can change inside the party if you want to wear something more fetish oriented.  After I play or if changing between different play areas, I like to have a coverup/robe as I am not comfortable walking around naked.  If you come dressed one way, think about how you want to be dressed after being beaten. You might be floaty or having sub drop so getting dressed back into fetish or even street clothes can be a pain. Pack some comfy easy clothes in your toy bag too.  I usually hate wearing my bra, thigh highs and heels home so I pack clothes to replace those if needed. 

* Take care of you -  Do what makes you comfortable. Don't feel pressured to play. Watching is fine.  Also make sure you eat and drink plenty of water as playing can burn off calories and make it so you are dehydrated.  If you have medical issues, make sure you have meds and friends that know so they can spot signs. Such as  I have friend who is diabetic sometimes after she is beaten it messed with her insulin levels because of the endorphin rush so always had meds with her and when she was invited to one of our parties - I made sure to have some orange juice around for her to drink after playing. 


Some questions to ask the host/hostess:

Is there a dress code or theme? Is nudity allowed? -  Sometime public dungeons or bars having a fetish night will have a dress code or a theme.  Often it does mean some type of leather or fetish attire for a dress code.  Themes can include: Pirates, Medical, Goth, and School type costumes. A bar having a fetish night usually won't allow nudity.  Sometimes a bar having a fetish night will have a fetish show or performers and so they might set a dress code or theme according to it. They might allow very close to nudity for dress such as thong panties and pasties for females.  Public Dungeons often allow nudity once inside.  Private parties want you to arrive in street clothes and then if you desire you can change inside the party if you want to wear something more fetish oriented.

Is there food and drink? Do you need to bring something?  - Often at Fetish nights at bars - there isn't food.  But often parties held in dungeons as well as private home parties will have a potluck or share a snack type party.  Sometimes they provide drinks other times they ask you bring your own. If it is bring your own, make sure you bring a bottle of water.  Playing either from either Top or bottom place give you a work out and make you sweat and need to replenish liquids.

What time do the doors close?  Once you leave can you come back in?  -  Often dungeons will allow entrance for only a set time and once you leave you can't come back in.  If you are a smoker they often have areas set up for smokers - like a back patio area that is walled off so outsiders can't see you. Sometimes Public Dungeons don't allow nudity until after the doors close and it then usually becomes a private party which then allows for nudity.  Private parties might have a door closed policy also because the host and hostess want to play too and having to wait to answer the door can infringe on their time. Also they might have play area set within an open door view and so want people inside before play starts and no neighbors can see.  They also have areas usually set up for smoker that sometimes mean getting covered up and back in street clothes or it is walled off from neighbors view.

 Is there areas designated for socializing and also aftercare? -  Often public dungeon spaces as well as private play parties have both. 

What type of play is allowed and what kind of equipment is available?  - Some public dungeon spaces have area for blood play, wax or water sports, but don't allow it at parties because of liability issues.  They also often don't allow gun or knife play, fire or scat play either. Sometimes they might allow blood play if they have a room that can be closed off and have it set up for safety - such as having a sharps container.  Dungeons often have a wide range of equipment, but private play parties might have much more limited play space.

What are the rules?. Saves a lot of time by asking for rules ahead of time to figure out if you will be comfortable. Rules will often address many of the questions you have floating around in your head.

Again always ask if you have any questions.  Play parties can be fun as they can feed exhibitionists or voyeurs. They also can be a bit overwhelming if you haven't had any type of play around people.  I know with Master and I, we need to be very comfortable around people to play in front of them.  So take your time, ask questions, use common sense and just have fun!