Okay so the other night I was surfing and came across this website…
NLA Statement on Domestic Violence
And I was kind of amazed by answering the questions I believe…scratch that…I know they would consider me abused. Do M/s relationships and Domestic Violence look similar? Because after answering these questions I think they might! But I am not abused, so I think that list needs be seriously reworked. I am sure many will read my answers to the questions and feel I am in an abusive situation.
Before I get to the questions/answers…
For as long, as I can remember I have wanted to be in a relationship where I was used and abused. But the abuse that I want is a fine line to the abuse that this domestic violence statement was formed. If you have read this journal for any length of time you will have seen me talk about wanting to be treated like nothing or broken down. You will have seen me talk about my dark desires. You will have seen me describe experiences that some would consider abusive and I thought they were down right hot! The desires are not for everyone. And the type of relationship I am in is not for everyone. My desires are not the “norm” in SM or maybe majority is a better word. But they are *my* desires. I own them.
That being said have I been in abusive relationships? Yes, ones where it was not being broken down and fulfilled, but broken down and harmed. And that it difference to me, but still I own the relationship. I put myself in the situation. I can see some coming to the conclusion that – “okay she can’t distinguish a healthy relationship verses an abusive one.” But I am in a healthy fulfilling relationship for me. My relationship with Master is very healthy for me. It is the first time I have went into a relationship getting to know the person…making sure we were compatible to have a long term relationship. I have never been in such a wonderful M/s relationship. We have a solid foundation. We are compatible and know what path we want for our relationship. And that has not been true in the other relationships…especially the ones that I consider abusive.
When applying these questions to a few former relationships, the feelings attached were different – it was feelings of abuse. I was harmed in those relationships.
My past relationships that I feel were abusive were not positive for me. My relationship with Master is positive. And I guess that is probably the only way I see to explain it.
The answers to these questions are very honest for my relationship with Master and I stress: I am not in an abusive relationship. So one more warning these answers probably will look like abuse to some of you out there….but again I stress they are not abuse in *my* relationship.
Here are the questions from the NLA statement and then my answers...
Physical:
Does your partner ever hit, choke, slap, or otherwise physically hurt you outside the context of a scene? Yes, but we don’t scene that often - we play during sex. But we have SM elements in our relationship that are not part of sex or SM play. Master has slapped me when He felt I was out of line with something I said. And I don't see anything wrong with that within our relationship.
Has he/she ever restrained you against your will, locked you in a room, or used a weapon of any kind? Yes and I think if the deadbolt lock was on the closet again it might happen a little more. :)
Are you afraid of your partner? No I am not afraid of him in general. There have been times when I have been afraid, but it was rightful and appropriate to me.
Sexual:
Rape and forced sexual acts are not part of consensual S/M. - I disagree with that statement. I have known people who have been forced to be with members of the same sex or with multiple partners and it was consensual. And it would be consensual if it happened in our relationship too. Plus not like I always want to have sex and I have to just suck it up and deal (no pun intended okay maybe it was.)
Battering is not "agreed" upon; there is an absence of "safe words." - No safewords in our relationship.
Are you confused about when a scene begins and ends? - We don’t really scene per se. Master has created mindsets that have lasted beyond the sex or SM play.
Does your partner ever ignore your safe words or pressure you not to use them? - Don’t have any to ignore
Has she/he ever violated your limits? - My limits are now what his limits are and he probably had more then I did so that really does not affect me either.
Do you feel "trapped" in a specific role (e.g. top/bottom)? - It is not role to me. So, I am not sure how I would feel trapped. I don’t feel trapped in our relationship - I feel very fulfilled.
Does your partner constantly criticize your performance, withhold sex as a means of control, or ridicule you for the limits you do set? - He has used humiliation and degradation in our relationship in regards to many things – performance included. But I don’t see this really applying to our relationship because our whole relationship has Him controlling and me submitting.
Do you feel obliged to have sex? - Yes at times but that does not make me feel abused in my relationship.
Does your partner use sex to make up after a violent incident? - No violent incidents that would be considered abuse in my eyes - in our relationship so this would not apply. But I know we have had times where others would consider it violent and had sex after. But I think it is just hot sex after hot violence!
Isolation:
Does your partner isolate you from friends, family, or groups? - Yes he has. He just commented on the other day he left me alone with his co-workers and that is the first time he had done that. Every time I have been around his co-workers, he has been there. He was wondering if anyone found it odd. We didn’t though.
Property:
Has your partner ever destroyed objects or threatened pets? - No but he has talked about destroying some of my things and it just makes me feel more owned. He would not threaten pets….as the kitty cats are his and even if they were mine he would not do that.
Economic:
Does your partner limit access to work or to material resources? - I don’t work because that is what he wishes…so I guess that could be construed as limiting my access to work. He does limit at times my access to internet and has talked of limiting my access to news and such…cutting me off from society.
Ever stolen from you or run up debts? No he has not.
Emotional/Psychological:
Are you or your partner emotionally dependent on one another? - I am emotionally dependent on Master. But I think in intimate relationship vanilla or not we all come to some sort of emotional dependency.
Does your relationship swing back and forth between a lot of emotional distance and being very close? No, but there are times Master does distant himself from me but again I don’t define this as abuse.
Is your partner constantly criticizing you, humiliating you, and generally undermining your self-esteem? He has criticized, he has humiliated and he has degraded me but again I don’t consider this abuse in our relationship.
Does your partner use scenes to express/cover up anger and frustration? Master has used me to get frustrations out. He has also hit me in anger and I still don’t feel this is abuse in our relationship.
Do you feel you can't discuss with your partner what is bothering you? Yes I do feel I can discuss anything with Master.
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