Servant's Retreat is lead by Catherine Gross. For me Catherine's style is not a style I usually warm up to as it the Diva-like, Dramatic type of style that makes me back away and uncomfortable. But although very dramatic she also, I felt, was very sincere in her views and feelings. She has been in the lifestyle a long time and she has a lot of knowledge and opinions and lets everyone know these are hers and she is not saying these are right for everyone. And I liked that. I really liked that she does not put up with bs that goes on in the lifestyle also. I felt she just kind of rolled her eyes at many of the same things I do.
Throughout the weekend I would sit there and think okay I am not suppose to be here and then she would say a little something that would spark a reminder of something I had forgotten about, give me a new perspective at looking at something or actually go damn I thought there were only a just a few us out there that really thought that. And that validation was nice. It is not something that is needed but it was nice to hear.
It was set in someone's home so there was an intimate feeling to it as we talked. I do think that helped in people opening up -- opposed if it was in a hotel conference room the open space and more business feel. The hostess was wonderful and I appreciate her and her Sir opening up their home to a bunch of strangers. There were a few problems though -- not enough seating space to make it comfortable for everyone when sitting long periods of time and also they had pets and I am allergic. After sitting on the floor Friday evening, I had to use my inhaler several times when we got back to the hotel room and also take allergy pills right away that did not seem to be working since I was so exposed to them. The rest of the weekend I was not on the floor but in a chair and I know that helped a lot and am grateful to those that sat on the floor giving up spaces in the chairs.
Friday night was basically an introduction night. And I enjoyed the opening up of and sharing experiences of the warm people there. There were lots of different experience levels and different type of D/s relationships represented in the room. I did though have my first feelings of...Wondering...if I had made the right choice in coming (I did get to see girlie and I kept that in mind as a good point). But that ended up not really being the case. I am glad I attended and I did get things out of the weekend that I needed to learn and hear. It was a growth experience.
Friday night we are going around the room giving a brief history and saying what we hope to get out of the weekend. I really abbreviated my history compared to others. And I expressed my feelings that I am hoping to get a different perspective on how to make my service more mindful. That I feel I am always serving, always having to be on but it has at the same time just me going through the motions because I know them so well. That it felt empty. That there is no line between me and the service. Almost as though I have lost my identity. I really can't remember what else I said and she stopped me and told me that I was not invisible and that she saw me. She said some other things also. But it was her telling me that I am not invisible that really got to me....it struck something in me. I felt a ton of feelings come up that I think I had been suppressing and as I heard her say it - there was something inside saying damn that is how I feel. I feel invisible. I feel I am at a stage with myself and my service where I am so used to it that the service itself and me are twisted together so tightly we fade into the background.
Now I am not saying my service is perfect and I am not saying that Master does not notice my service because neither are true. I feel I have lots to learn still but where we are at right now - I know what to do. I know what he wants and what he expects without him having to say it outloud.
All that said the beginning of the summer my service has went down hill and I see some other reason now after attending the retreat --- besides the depression. I stopped knocking myself out with service because I was becoming so depressed and I also see some of the reasons were that I was feeling so empty. I thought slowing down would help me gain more focus and attention to the service and help me feel "full" again but really I still felt empty.
So many submissives get good ooeey gooey "submissive" feelings when kneeling at their dominants feet or performing a ritual for their dominant. And I feel nothing, but wish I felt more deeply then I do. It is not that I don't want to serve Master. I DO! I am very happy and feel very privledged to be his slave. But I don't feel "submissive" doing them...which I got some insight to why that might be the last day of the retreat.
But back to Friday -- as I have already stated girlie was with me and so she did her intro and it did not go well. I felt she was completely misunderstood. And that became such a big thing that it made both of us wonder okay should we even be here. But we decided to give it another try.
After Friday's session we went to the grocery store to get junk food! We felt a little emotionally drained and also questioning if we should be there so we needed junk food! Girlie sang through the grocery store (they were close to closing so no one really was in there) as we hooked arms and kind of skipped through the store. She said melons were on sale but I said hers were more impressive. She has big ones!
Back at the room, we chatted with Loki and Jewels on the phone. I babbled on and on which I do when I am overly excited and nervous. They were very nice and I enjoyed chatting with them. Later I think I almost had an orgasm having a ho-ho. Not sure why, I have had them before. And like them...but not like that...for some reason they were hitting all my omg I need something sweet buttons! So, we ate junk food and drank some wine. I know such a combination. I know we got to bed really late again but I can't remember what time it was exactly.
I snuggled in bed with Henry as I drifted off to sleep. (Henry is my build-a-bear that girlie got me.)
Saturday's sessions coming soon!
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