Questions of the Day

These are questions from a group on Livejournal....Hell Bent Queer

Friday's Questions
Humiliation/degradation play. Do you engage in it? How have you used it in your scenes? What about it makes it hawt for you... or what about it turns you off?

yes we engage in it. There are so many ways it is used that I can't possibly name them all but being called names or adjectives that less then nice. Being treated like an object or animal. It makes me very hot but it also something that is at times very hard for me with Master. I think it makes me hot because it is stripping all those layers and it often addresses things I have felt at the core of my being.


Thursday's Questions
Pro-Dom/me and Pro-Sub is it different from prostitution? Why or why not? Have you ever been one or utilized their services? If not, have you ever considered it? Does their presence add to, take away from or have no effect on the leather community?

I was an escort and the Pro-doms/subs that I knew while working as an escort hated being associated with the sex industry but yet many of them were engaging sex or sexual acts for money so I am not sure why they thought they weren't part of the sex industry.

I haven't ever utilized a pro-dom/sub. But I did have clients that wanted me to top them and I did bottom with light play with a few clients.

I am not sure that their presence takes away from the leather community but I do believe mainstream America thinks of them when thinking of SM so associates us as immoral or deviant.


Wednesday's Questions
Bruises...love them or leave them? Do you show off bruises (whether you gave them or have them)? Do you hide them and hope no one notices? Do you enjoy touching them later to remember the initial pain? Have you tried different techniques to get different kinds of bruises? Would you consider bruises a fetish for you?

LOVE bruises! I don't go around saying see my bruise...okay sometimes I do. :) But it depends on who it is and where the bruise is at on me. I do remember touching them. I don't bruise easily on my ass so Master often gives me bruises other places because of it....punches in my arm and thighs. I haven't considered bruises as a fetish.

(no question tuesday)

Monday's Questions
What is your favorite kink erotica? Are there certain movies that get you going every time? Certain authors? What about fetish photography? Do you make any of your own erotica? Feel free to share links to fetish sites you enjoy, photos you like, passages from your favorite book

For erotica...I enjoy photography or drawings. I am a visual person. I don't often get into written erotica because so often it feels very romantic or fantasy based and I really like reality. But I do love Laura Antoniou Marketplace Series. It is fantasy based but many real life feelings to me. I lust after Chris Parker in a big way too (character in the books)! (pant pant!)

Gratitude Friday

I am grateful for...

1. Clean things...clean house, clean clothes, clean carpet, clean dishes, (clean sheets - well will be in a few moments).
2. Friend's that kick me in the butt when I need it.
3. Cold water....feels good splashed on my face and to drink.
4. Stickie notes....because it is nice to look up and see a sticky note on my computer from Master telling me he loves me.
5. The work that is flowing our way.

Milking Cows - Can I have a safeword now?

IM convo with Master....

Master: thank you for My iced coffee..
me: you are welcome...it is just an iced coffee Master i didn't brew the coffee myself (oh yeah i did) but i didn't milk the cow for the cream lol
Master: but you would've if we had a cow..
me: lol um can we get another slave...so she can to do that lol
Master: roflmao

Meme

I was tagged by annissa and rick's toy

1) Bold what is true about you.
2) Italicize what you wish was true about you.
3) Add one true thing about you to the end of the list.
4) Tag five LJ/blog friends. - Play along if you like

* I miss somebody right now.
* I don't watch much TV these days.
* I own lots of books.
* I wear glasses or contact lenses.(I am suppose to wear glasses but don't)
* I love to play video games.
* I've tried marijuana.
* I've watched porn movies.
* I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.
* I believe honesty is usually always the best policy.
* I curse sometimes. As opposed to constantly.
* I have changed a lot mentally over the last year.
* I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.
* I have broken someone's bones.
* I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal.
* I hate the rain.
* I'm paranoid at times.
* I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
* I need/want money right now. (changing want to would like)
* I love sushi.
* I talk really, really fast. (when nervous)
* I have fresh breath in the morning.
* I have long hair.
* I have lost money in Las Vegas.
* I have at least one sibling.
* I was born in a country outside of the U.S.
* I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past.
* I couldn't survive without Caller I.D.
* I like the way that I look.
* I have lied to a good friend in the last 6 months.
* I am usually pessimistic.
* I have a lot of mood swings.
* I think prostitution should be legalized.
* I slept with a roommate.
* I have a hidden talent.
* I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have.
* I have a lot of friends.
* I have pecked someone of the same sex.
* I enjoy talking on the phone. (sometimes more so since I have moved away from all my friends)
* I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants.
* I love to shop and/or window shop.
* I'm obsessed with my Xanga or Livejournal.
* I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother.
* I have a cell phone.
* I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months.
* I've rejected someone before.
* I currently like/love someone.
* I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.
* I want to have children in the future.
* I have changed a diaper before.
* I've called the cops on a friend before.
* I'm not allergic to anything.
* I have a lot to learn.
* I am shy around the opposite sex. (around most new people no matter of gender)
* I'm online 24/7, even as an away message.
* I have at least 5 away messages saved.
* I have tried alcohol or drugs before.
* I have made a move on a friend's significant other or crush in the past.
* I own the "South Park" movie.
* I have avoided assignments at work/school to be on Xanga or Livejournal.
* I enjoy some country music.
* I would die for my best friends.
* I'm obsessive, and often a perfectionist.
* I have used my sexuality to advance my career.(not career but to get a good grade in college)
* Halloween is awesome because you get free candy.
* I have dated a close friend's ex. (not but dated friends of ex's such as I dated my ex-husbands best friend before I dated my ex-husband - he was our best man)
* I am happy at this moment.
* I'm obsessed with guys.
* Democrat. (basically I am a tree hugging liberal)
* Republican.
* I am punk rockish.
* I go for older guys/girls, not younger. (oddly enough I do but I always seem to end up with guys younger then me...my ex-husband and Master are both younger then me)
* I study for tests most of the time.
* I tie my shoelaces differently from anyone I've ever met.
* I can work on a car.
* I love my job(s).
* I am comfortable with who I am right now.
* I have more than just my ears pierced. (sadly I am allergic to most jewelry)
* I walk barefoot wherever I can. (I wish I could but mostly just barefoot at home)
* I have jumped off a bridge.
* I love sea turtles.
* I spend ridiculous amounts of money on makeup. (don't but have)
* I plan on achieving a major goal/dream.
* I am proficient on a musical instrument.
* I hate office jobs.(I don't hate but I dislike strongly)
* I went to college out of state.
* I am adopted.
* I am a pyro.
* I have thrown up from crying too much.
* I have been intentionally hurt by people that I loved.
* I fall for the worst people.
* I adore bright colors.
* I usually like covers better than originals.
* I hate chain theme restaurants like Applebees and TGIFridays.
* I can pick up things with my toes.
* I can't whistle.
* I have ridden/owned a horse.
* I still have every journal I've ever written in.
* I talk in my sleep. (very rarely but I do)
* I've often thought that I was born in the wrong century.
* I try to forget things by drowning them out with loads of distractions.
* I wear a toe ring.
* I have a tattoo.
* I can't stand at LEAST one person that I work with.
* I am a caffeine junkie.
* I am completely tree-huggy spiritual, and I'm not ashamed at all.
* If I knew I would get away with it, I would commit at least one murder.
* I will collect anything, and the more nonsensical, the better.
* I enjoy a nice glass of wine with dinner.
* I'm an artist.
* I am ambidextrous.
* I sleep with so many stuffed animals, I can hardly fit on my bed.
* If it weren't for having to see other people naked, I'd live in a nudist colony.
* I have terrible teeth.
* I hate my toes.
* I did this Meme even though I wasn't tagged by the person who took it before me.
* I have more friends on the internet than in real life.
* I have lived in either three different states or countries or provinces
* I am extremely flexible.
* I love hugs more than kisses.
* I want to own my own business. I'll never get rich working for somebody else.
* I smoke.
* I spend way too much time on the computer than on anything else.
* Nobody has ever said I'm normal.
* Sad movies, games, and the like can cause a trickle of tears every now and then.
* I am proficient in the use of many types firearms and combat weapons.
* I like the way women look in stylized men's suits.
* I don't like it when people are unpleased or seem unpleased with me.
* I have been described as a dreamer or likely to have my head up in the clouds.
* I have played strip poker with someone else before.
* I have had emotional problems for which I have sought professional help.
* I believe in ghosts and the paranormal. (undecided)
* I can't stand being alone.
* I have at least one obsession at any given time.
* I weigh myself, pee/poo, and then weigh myself again.
* I consistently spend way too much money on obsessions-of-the-moment.
* I'm a judgmental asshole. (can be at times)
* I'm a HUGE drama-queen. (can be at times)
* I have traveled on more than one continent.
* I sometimes wish my father would just disappear.
* I need people to tell me I'm good at something in order to feel that I am. (sometimes)
* I am a Libertarian. (agree with some things but not all things)
* I can speak more than one language.
* I can fall asleep even if the whole room is as noisy as it can be.
* I would rather read than watch TV. (depends on my mood at the time)
* I like reading fact more than fiction. (again depends on my mood - I like both)
* I have pulled an all-nighter on an assignment I was given a month to do.
* I have no piercings. (I have pierced ears even though I maybe put earrings in them once a year - because I am allergic to most jewelry)
* I have spent the night in a train station or other public place.
* I have been so upset over my physical gender that I cried.
* I've been married and am now divorced.
* There have been times when I have wondered "Why was I born?" and may/may not have cried over it.
* I like most animals better than most people.
* I own a collection of retro game consoles.
* The thought of physical exercise makes me shiver. (gag most likely lol)
* I have hit someone with a dead fish.
* I have written/read erotic stories.
* I am compulsively honest.
* I was born with a congenital birth defect that has never been repaired.
* I have danced topless in front of dozens of complete strangers.
* I have gone from wishing I was a boy to revelling in being a girl to feeling like a boy again in the span of five minutes, and not cared a whit for my actual sex.
* I am unashamedly bisexual, and have different motivations for my desires for different genders. (wasn't going to bold that second half but thought about and it might be true)
* I sometimes won't sleep a whole night or eat a whole day because I forget to.
* I find it impossible to get to sleep without some kind of music on.
* I dislike milk.
* I obsessively wash my hands.
* I always carry something significant around with me.
* Sometimes I'd rather wear a wig in day-to-day life than use my own hair.
* I've pushed myself to become more self-aware and thereby more aware of others.
* Even though I live on my own I still cry sometimes because I miss my mother.
* I hand wrote all the HTML tags in this document.
* I've liked something which a majority of people claimed was either bad or weird.
* I have been clinically dead for a brief period of time I was v. little
* Instead of feeling sympathy/empathy with people and their problems, I simply become annoyed.
* I participate/have participated in auto drag races and won.
* I do not 'get' most comedy acts.
* I don't think strippers are money-greedy or slutty for dancing.
* I don't like to chew gum.
* I am obsessed with history/historical things and can't wait for someone to build a time machine so I can be the first to use it.
* I can never remember for the life of me where I parked the car.
* Had the TEEN ANGST thing going for at least 2-3 years.
* I wish people would be more empathic and honest with each other.
* I play Dungeons and Dragons weekly.
* I love to sing.
* I want to live in my mother's basement when I grow up.
* I have a custom-built computer.
* I want to create a certain someone's babies, even though there's a 0% possibility of ever achieving it.
* I would be in a relationship with one of my pets if they were human.
* I've gone skinny-dipping.
* I've performed in three plays, all of them Shakespeare.
* I enjoy burritos.
* I'm Irish and lovin' it.
* I have a thing for redheads.
* I am a twin!
* Most times, I'd rather do something intellectual instead of doing something generically 'fun'.
* Once I set out to finish something, I always stay at it until it is completed before I move on to something else.
* I wish there were a way to erase past mistakes.
* I wish I could do High School all over again.
* I have big interest swings every year.
* I have loved Pokemon since the beginning and continue to do so.
* There's no genre of music I dislike.
* I've read every work written by my favorite author(s)
* No matter how much I sleep, I'm always tired.
* I'd rather eat out than cook.
* I am obsessed with actors that are older than I am.
* I can move my little toes independently.
* I enjoy purchasing and wearing articles of clothing and/or accessories that have skulls on them.
* I trip over my own feet at least once a week.
* I hate not knowing how to love
* I still fantasize once in a while about an ex.
* I find incredible freedom in being restricted. (depends on the restrictions)
* I hate shopping for shoes.
* I really dislike the color yellow.
* My closest friends can call me any given time of the day without me getting angry at them.
* I have a speech impediment
* I am in a polyamorous relationship (but don't rule it out)
* I feel privileged to have lived through some difficult times and come out happier than ever
* I remain stubbornly hopeful about the future.
* I love word games. (at times)
* I'm Christian and believe that there is no reason why same-sex unions shouldn't be blessed by the Church. (not sure I label myself as a Christian but I do believe in same-sex unions)
* I like Green Beans

Oh yes....

He growled into my ear, "I want to cum in your ass."

Yes that is just what ended just moments ago....

Master put a hood on me and fucked me like I was just there to use....just his animal in a hood making grunting and moaning noises as his cock thrust in and out of my ass.

Yum! Such a nice way to end the evening!

Galatica, Whedon and the Grinch that stole Christmas

I was reading my livejournal friend's list and someone mentioned Battlestar Galactica and so I messaged Master to ask if he has heard when the new season started. We weren't fond of how the last season ended so are very interested to see where the next season goes.

Anyway, he was searching and came across an article about Jane Espenson writing an episode of Battlestar. Jane Espenson was a writer for Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel and Firefly. So, of course I was doing a little happy dance in my chair. I then scrolled down the article to the comments and the first comment was TRASHING Joss Whedon the creator of all the before mentioned shows. I pouted and told Master how could someone say that about Joss. (If you haven't picked it up yet...I am a Joss Whedon whore - anything done by Joss I will probably drool and get turned on by watching.) And so I pouted and told Master that the commenter needed to be taken out and shot (of course being the pacifist I am that is probably an exaggeration brought on by frustrations of someone trashing Joss -- but really a good spanking while watching Buffy might cure him) and Master said: "Joss is a very intense writer...he throws in more spins and curves - that's bound to make life miserable for his viewers. That's why we like him. But for the rosy-cheek colored kids in the world that want a happy ending to every story, Whedon is no more than the Grinch that stole Christmas. People who have such shallow opinions - just get ignored by me because they don't have any depth in their analysis. Nothing more than a trivial school-yard mentality." Woohoo Master! He is so good!

5 Positive Things in my life...

1. Well the obvious...from my last post....Master kisses! They are so good! awww!
2. Good friends who help, encourage, support us Master opening his business. We have lots of friends that are help us get to our business goals. Thank you!
3. Fin and the mail love she sent me...made me squee, smile and giggle!
4. Allergy medicine for making my face not hurt so bad today.
5. Master taking his princess clothes shopping - even though I couldn't find anything. But telling me to get a list together from a place I like online and he will go through it.

Kissed...

just did a short little voice post.

Drama Free Zone

I can't stand drama. I have had my blogger almost 6 years now and in that time I have become good at spotting people who like drama. And more importantly I stay away from those blogs/people/websites/elists - even if it often months before the actual drama surfaces. To have a peaceful and calm life - means you create it - and letting those who are drama filled into your life will make your life filled with drama - obviously.

So here is my advice to those that don't want to have drama in their lives...(not that any of you asked but...I like to share)...

The tip: Don't engage.

When dramas happen and I don't post comments on their blogs, I don't link to them, I don't respond to emails, I don't write about them. I don't engage with them.

Thus my life is peaceful.

If you get those vibes from a person - that they are going to be drama filled then back away and don't interact with them. Trust your instincts. I chose who I am close to very carefully. And I keep everyone else at arms length. It might sound solitary and maybe in a way it is but the friendships I forge are good friendships that last. And I have to say sincerely I have a great group of friends that really have been so remarkable in their support and friendship over the years. I am very lucky.

I have found reminding myself of a few things also help in not engaging when drama ensews:

* He doesn't like drama AT ALL so I know he wouldn't want me to get all bent out of shape for some drama someone created.
* I am Maser's slave and I do believe I am a reflection of him. So if I engage in it and react then that is not really a good reflection - in my opinion.
* All my time is Master's so if I engage in the drama I am really using his time to engage in the drama so that is not good.
* I am worth more. I don't need to engage in drama because my time, my energy, my life....means more to me.

Also in learning to not to engage in drama, I have found some lessons that help me in life as a slave to Master. Not that he creates drama. But so often when drama flares our first reactions are so emotion filled so we react instead of breathing and thinking it through. And the same thing applies to me in the slavery to Master. Sometimes my reactance to his control, demands, orders are very emotion filled and I want to react to the emotions instead of thinking it out. And so with learning to stop, breathe and think before engaging in drama has helped me do the same in my slavery to Master. Of course it isn't perfect yet as what Master says is law and He is my world....so things he says verses some random person the world wide web says --- is taken much more seriously - obviously.

So anyway...there is my thoughts on living drama free!

Into Weird Stuff....??

So elsewhere was a story of that reminded me of the story I am about to tell although they are different then each other - for some reason it made me think about it.

When I was married, my husband I tried out D/s. We also engaged in SM. There were lots of problems in our relationship and we eventually separated. During that time I was going through lots of problems.....shortening the long story this post could be...anyway, during my hard time my husband told his parents that I was "into weird stuff" sexually. Later during one of our arguments he told me he told them as a way to hurt me even more then he was hurting me. I was very embarrassed at the time.

Several years later - when we were divorced - his mother and I went to lunch when I was in town. And we were chatting about life and I finally said to her that I knew her son had told her I was "into weird stuff" and that if she had any questions about it I would be happy to answer them.

She replied, "I couldn't think of anything that would be THAT weird between 2 consenting adults."

I told her I wished her son had that kind of attitude. She told me she was sorry that he was so sexually repressed...that she didn't understand where she screwed up as a parent to give him that impression that sex was "bad."

Her and I are still friend's and she loves Master. She probably suspects that were are into that "weird stuff" but she has never asked.

What Color Should Your Blog or Journal Be?

Your Blog Should Be Purple

You're an expressive, offbeat blogger who tends to write about anything and everything. You tend to set blogging trends, and you're the most likely to write your own meme or survey. You are a bit distant though. Your blog is all about you - not what anyone else has to say.

What Color Should Your Blog or Journal Be?

Inside the Room of Your Soul

What Your Soul Really Looks Like

You are quite expressive and thoughtful. You see the world in a way that others are blind to. You are a very grounded, responsible, and realistic person. People may not want to hear the truth from you, but they're going to get it. You believe that people see you for how you are, not how you look. But deep down, you know that's not exactly true. Your near future is still unknown, and a little scary. You'll get through wild times - and you'll textually enjoy it. For you, love is all about caring and comfort. You couldn't fall in love with someone you didn't trust.

Inside the Room of Your Soul

Gratitude Friday

It has been an absolutely awful day....and so I going to try to find the things in it I am grateful for today.

So I am grateful...

1. That I have food in the house to make a good dinner for Master and myself (calzones and salad)
2. That I have clean sheets on the bed and folded clothes in the closet
3. That I have good friends to talk when I need someone to listen and that make me laugh when I need to instead of crying
4. That the combination of migraine meds, tea, and a shower my migraine WILL get better
5. That the Universe provided for a good friend of mine to help her during her transformation and ritual.
6. That I have kitty cats to pet and love on!
7. That I am have an abundance of things to make art with and acquiring some more "treasures" that were headed to the trash at Master's work
8. That we have AC to keep us cool
9. That I have this computer to communicate with friends and to use in my creativity. (and make journal entries)
10. That I had years of therapy. I know that sounds like a strange one but I am very thankful for all I learned through it.

The Pet

I had lots of people asking me info on The Pet movie and here is some info pulled from a livejournal friend.

**E-mail from the producer of the new movie The Pet, coming soon.**

Thanks so much for expressing your interest in viewing THE PET movie. We are campaigning HARD to have the distributors premiere THE PET in multiple US cities in the next several months and your participation is significant! Armed with stacks of emails, MySpace "friends", and 1000s of hits from the website, we hope to be able to convince them that the audience DOES exist and WILL attend a theatrical presentation of this film. Please help us show them we have the Alternative Lifestyle Community's support in bringing this
important film to it's audience. Here's what you can do. Tell everyone you know (over the age of 18) to:
1. Visit www.thepetmovie.com (http://www.thepetmovie.com ) to see the trailer
2. Visit www.myspace.com/thepetmovie and become a FRIEND of THE PET MOVIE; leave a comment and let us know what city you'd like to see the film in and how many people you think you could get to attend the opening weekend.
3. OR, email thepetmovie@tricoast.com and let us know the city and number of guests to attend the opening.
4. Be vocal on your fav internet groups and let them all know about THE PET and # 1,2,3 above.
5. Forward this to all of your friends!

Getting an independent voice heard is not easy. Thanks for playing a part in getting THE PET seen by as many people as possible!

Warm regards,
Marcy

Marcy Hamilton
Producer, THE PET
thepetmovie@tricoast.com

In a Funk....

How come it is I will be a blogging fool with tons of posts for several days and then I just can't write. I have tons of topics in my head but nothing wants to come out right now. I hate when that happens.

So a life update is in order...

This past weekend we had a nice relaxing weekend. No pressure to do anything. We just were lazy, watched movies - and had some quality time. It was very nice.

I just had written - not too long ago about not having that many migraines and of course I jinxed myself as I have been battling one all week. It is not as bad as it could be though so I am thankful for that.

I have chatted with several friends this week and so that has been very nice. Which reminds me a few links that friends have been passing on to me...first one seems really interesting as you put in the charity of your choice and every time you use the site as a search engine they send money to your charity of choice. GoodSearch is powered by yahoo and usually I am a google slut but I think I will be giving Good Search my time because it will be for a good cause. And then the same friend passed on a link that I think those that watched that movie trailer for "The Pet" will be interested in....the pyramid cage. MMM Hot! Something that was posted by the Poly Weekly Podcast is this link to a list of poly movies, music and such. I don't like the list all that much because it puts in cheating behind primary's back as poly. And that is not what I consider poly...that is cheating. And this last one found via a LiveJournal community...a list of adult oriented podcasts check out Violet Blue's Sex Podcast Directory.

So what else....

Things just feel off lately....I am very much a person if my world is organized my thoughts are organized. And lately nothing seems to be organized.

I am really frustrated with cleaning lately. We have some circumstances right now that makes it impossible for me to make things look nice and neat...where everything put away. I can clean and I can make it look straightened up but I can't actually put everything away. And so it is frustrating me. It sends me into kind of a tailspin of what can I do...where to start...how to make it better....and then it all comes down to nothing much I can do about it at the moment and that makes me feel worse.

I have several websites I have needed to be working on and I just can't get things right. My coding sucks. Nothing lines up right. Nothing looks good together. Nothing is just right.

The only thing I want to be doing - that seems to be going okay is my art. And when I spend time on it lately I feel horribly guilty as other areas aren't perfect so how can I sit and spend time with art. So instead of doing anything I come to be online and mess around with photoshop hoping it will inspire me for the website but really it isn't.

Add in insomnia again - which is I am sure a symptom of me not feeling organized. And so I am in a funk right now. I know it will pass. And I know I will drag myself out of it.

As I was thinking of my funk and things to do to help me get out of it. I was making notes of what I want to do and it made me think of making a loose schedule for myself for next week. Anyway, that made me think Master will ask me if I need his "help" in it...meaning some more structure. And I know a lot of submissives would happy that their Dominant is giving hands on...but for me....I don't like it. I don't know when I got that way either. It hasn't always been that way. But really the last 2 years maybe a little longer. If Master has to stop and help me - help get me on track - I feel usually a little annoyed - with myself - because if he has to stop what he is doing to work with me then I feel I am not doing my job right. My job is to make his life easier and enhance it so he doesn't have to worry about all the little things that make the household run. And so I just like to handle it myself - get back on track so I don't have to pull him away from other things in his life.

I asked a question on a yahoogroup recently about submission being about pleasing and obeying or can it just be one of the other. I saw something similar asked a forum and it made me think about my life as a slave. When I was first here, it was about pleasing and obeying. But I have to say lately I don't feel it is about pleasing. Okay scratch that...it is about pleasing but not actively pleasing. What I mean is I know what pleases Master and I don't think about it anymore. It is I just do it. If it wouldn't please him then I don't do it. I don't think about it though...I don't actively go through the thought process that - "oh this will please Master so I am going to do it specifically to please him." It will please him. I don't need or want a reward for doing it. I just do it. I am sure my thoughts on this are not coming out right. I think it needs more time to bang around in my brain for a while.

Signing off this thing for a bit to go iron! yay me....NOT! At least I will get to watch Alias while ironing!

5 Positive Things in my life...

1. I went through a box that I was dreading and putting off. And although I do have a little more work with it tomorrow....majority of it is done.
2. Jessica - she is a positive in my life. A very good friend who I love very much! Thank you for your kindness and generosity!
3. Post Crossing - been getting pretty postcards from all over the world
4. Lots of mail love to go out tomorrow (including a very belated house warming for DaddySin and her boy, altered tins for the swap I hosted, and other bits and pieces of love)
5. June art swap done and felt good about the work I did. I have a thing for pears and that is okay!

Scam Warning....

Just doing an FYI....

Master wrote this over on his blog: "Most of us have seen the infamous subject line in our email: "URGENT - Update your PayPal Account".. Well, as it turns out - the hyperlink can take you to a seemingly innocuous, legitimate website.. Except it doesn't.. Instead - it takes you to a phony website spoofed to look like PayPal's login screen.. By putting in your username/password information - some thief can take your information and let the endless spending games begin....

The latest trick is to spoof Amazon.com...

-Never click on the hyperlink in the email..
-ALWAYS type out the correct URL for PayPal and Amazon to sign into your account..
-Report the erroneous email to PayPal and Amazon's security departments..

At best, they will contact the host company for the erroneous website and shut it down..

Be careful out there"

Linkage....

Passing this link on....Not work or kid safe...

http://www.thepetmovie.com/trailerpage.html

Saturday Morning Fun...

What a nice way to wake up....

Master putting a hood on me and telling me he missed his whore....

....melt!

(yes that is a picture of me and no that isn't the hood he put me in)

Being All I Can Be

Master has written a blog entry on having his slave be all she can be. No, I am not joining the military just to let you know, but he really does want me to be all I can be. And it doesn't necessarily mean going with what would be EASIER for him in our relationship.

Many years ago I was involved with a dominant that knew that I wanted to be an artist but I was still in that stage where I let all the old messages and voices hold me back from really pursuing it. I talked with the dominant about really wanting it "this" time, really pursuing it and he did the "uh huh." I tried to bring art up on other times also and it was almost the same response. He basically seemed like it was of no value or interest. It hurt. It felt like a part of me - a part I struggled to even let out - was being buried because it was not of value to him. So I boxed up art supplies and books up and told myself that would never be a part of my life as a slave.

I am now with Master and Master's views are different. Before I became Master's though I was moving one of my many times and I threw out lots of supplies because I felt most dominants were not going to like me devoting time to my art. So it was time to move to be with Master. He and I were going through my stuff deciding what would be donated, what would move with him to Colorado and such. There had been a flood where I was storing my stuff and one of my art portfolios had some damage. I started to cry. He said we were going to Wal-Mart. It was fairly late in the evening and we are in a small town. He drove to the next town so that we could get supplies to save my art. He patiently and painstakingly went through each page and took the time to save them. Each page dried and carefully put between wax paper so that any dampness left wouldn't make them stick to each. He cut around areas of damage so carefully not to damage my art. He acted like each piece of from the portfolio (they were assignments from college) were the Mona Lisa. I know I will never forget him doing something so wonderful for me.

Shortly after I was here he was telling me that I needed to pursue my passion. That I needed to encourage my talent. He has bought supplies, given me a space that is mine to create art, he has encouraged and been the best support in helping me really give it my all. Now at times, this has infringed on my time and service to him but he wants me to do this. He feels it is important even if he has to go get his own drink or do other things because I am working on art. I do try to balance it so I am not eating into time to serve him. But there are occasions it has happened. Overall I am very happy to be able to create and pursue my passion and that makes me a happy slave....for him. My passion for life is there in all things I do because I am going after this thing that really fulfills me just as my slavery to him does.

So with his encouragement, support, and love....I am being all I can be and pursuing my dreams. Thank you Master! I love you very much!

This is Life

So life...what has been going on...

Art - been doing lots of art and I am happy about that. It always just feels so good - puts me in a good mood (except when I have blocks) and just lets me lose myself in it.

Domestic - Master bought Calphalon Commercial Hard-Anodized Everyday Pan last summer for me. All the Calphalon pans we have are great but I use this pan almost well everyday. And everything I cook turns out great........EXCEPT I can't do fried potatoes like hashbrowns. They stick to the bottom. So I always have to switch them to an old pan we have just to make them. I don't make fried potatoes that often but when I do I wish I could get them to work in the everyday pan. Tonight I tried to make some fried potatoes with sundried tomatoes, chopped mixed peppers and onions and again I had to switch to our old pan. Yeah I know such an exciting entry. It is just a love to cook and it frustrates me when things don't work the way I want them to. And today must have been my day for domestic failures as I made some cookies that didn't turn out...they are edible but didn't turn out how they were suppose to...they were suppose to be more cakey like sour cream cookies but they turned out flat and then chewy like a molasses cookie. Master loves maple flavoring...if he is going to get a donut it usually has maple frosting on it. And so I found this recipe for maple cookies and made them hoping to send them with him - as he left to go out of town this morning. He still got some to go with him but they weren't very pretty so I told him not to share! I know the problem is an altitude thing so I am going to try them again sometime...altering the recipe to compensate for it. I will be crossing my fingers that it works!

General - Master has so much on his plate and many things I can't help with but the things I can help with I seem to be falling short in and it has been very hard on us both. Then that of course makes spiraling out of control thoughts of that I am a horrible slave and he deserves better and what not. I then do some self talk and usually I am able to work through what needs to be done, and that I am not a horrible slave but it still seems like it is taking much more work then it should...and I know I shouldn't say should. (yes I am laughing that I even typed that out.)

Health - Well this is one area that is pretty positive. I have only had one migraine in since the 21st of May. Sinus headaches are down...allergies don't seem as bad either. We got an air purifier and it might be the reason I am having less sinus and allergy issues. Which also might contribute to migraines but we only have had the air purifier for 2 weeks and my no migraine streak has been longer then that. Either way I am happy that both migraines and allergies have been much better!

Well I think that is about it. I am don't like it when Master is out of town but I do have MANY things to keep me occupied. I just hope I feel motivated and inspired to do them.

Positive Monday

5 Positive Things in my life...
1. I have been given good lessons to learn from
2. I do have talent and I have the right to acknowledge that talent
3. I have been given a great space to work
4. I have wonderful friends who support and inspire me
5. There is beautiful art in this world and I even have some in my work space

My Poly Life...Then and Now...Part 4

Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3

Structure for the Poly Family

When I first moved in as I said there was the one slave his first slave...who I refer to as first girl, one servant type girl, 2 submissive that didn't live with us, and a couple play partners of the dominant. Plus shortly after I moved in the D/s couple (Bug and her husband) moved in with us.

So here is kind of a structure of how things were set up...

The dominant had the Master bedroom, Bug and her husband had a room and then the other the 2 of us slept where ever basically. And the last usually in bed with our dominant. We switched off nights basically. Bug got one night a week with my dominant and the rest were with her husband or me as her husband at times worked nights so then her and I had our nights when he was gone. The rest of the week first girl and I would switch off nights. Sometimes he would tell us he wanted someone that night and if she was in there 2 nights in a row we just rolled with it. In the end it probably worked out that we got pretty close to equal amount of nights but we actually never worried about that as strange as that will sounds. I know this is a usually a big problem in other poly households. But for us we just were happy he was happy. There was a time when first girl felt he and I needed to bond at the beginning and she wanted me sleeping with him every night. I told her that was not necessary. Really I can see that if one were getting more nights it could become a problem as the lack of quality time for one or more. But really when we needed time we could ask for it. And then even if it wasn't our night he would create some evening quality time such as right after work. When another girl was in from out of town or he had a play partner over then of course us girls didn't sleep with him and just always adjusted according to it. If they stayed for 4 nights they slept with him for 4 nights. At times he would again request one of us sleep with him and another one of the girls and of course we always obeyed even if neither of us were interested in each other sexually.

When a girl slept with him then the other girl got breakfast ready, packed his lunch and made sure anything else that would be needed for him to go about his day was ready. The girl that slept with him washed/showered with him and set out work clothes for him. He is a very sexual man so it was usually nightly and morning sexual service for the girl who slept with him.

We switched off nights cooking also. At first the person who cooked didn't have to clean the the kitchen but this started to be a little bit of a problem as Bug and I clean as we go and first girl and the servant girl usually didn't and so Bug and I would always end up having to clean up a lot more then the other two. When first girl cooked also she seemed to have food on the walls and ceilings so it was usually having to be a deep cleaning of the kitchen after she was in it not just cleaning up dinner dishes. So finally we switched the rule that if you cooked you cleaned up your own mess. And that worked better because remarkably the kitchen started being cleaned as first girl cooked. Usually those that came to stay from out of town didn't have to cook or do chores because we wanted them to have quality time with our dominant.

Other chores dusting, cleaning the toilet, doing laundry and what not were kind of divided up with depending on who was there during the day. Our dominant didn't want me to work. First girl often had temp jobs. And servant girl well long story she didn't have a job. Bug did temp jobs too and went to school. So most of the housework was mine and servant girl. But when first girl and Bug were between jobs they also helped out. Things at first weren't getting done and so our dominant put me in charge of making sure everyone knew what they needed to do. That didn't work well and I didn't want to do it that way but obeyed. As I have said I am calling her first girl because she was his first slave. But in this situation where I was told to be in "charge" it became that I was first slave also known as head slave or alpha. (cringe) Anyway, it created a lot of problems. And so usually I just ended up doing most of the work myself so that I didn't have to "fight" with anyone to do it. Bug always helped without being asked or told. She saw what needed to be done and did it or come ask me what was a priority to get done. And I so appreciated that she did that.

When L entered the household things were pretty much the same we switched off nights. We took turns cooking but helped out each other. And chores same thing we just did what was needed. I just realized I never mentioned that although L was attracted to women she and I weren't involved sexually. I did some SM and was sexually involved with Bug and also a couple submissives or potentials but that was it.

Some questions I have had about L and her daughter. L told her daughter of her life as a slave and interest in SM before she came to be with us. L and the father of her daughter were Master/slave and into SM. He died and so it took her a while before she searched for another Master but when she started to she made the decision to tell her daughter. L's daughter although accepted people lived like we did and participated in SM she didn't want to know about and at first kind of looked down upon it. The poly aspect didn't seem to phase her...it just seemed normal to her. And I can't recall for sure but I do think that L's husband did have other women in his life so maybe that is why she didn't seem phased by it.

L's daughter did ask privately about why I was a slave and why I liked to be beat and after I explained my feelings to her she seemed to be more relaxed about bringing it up. And if we slipped and said Master around her she didn't act like we had said a swear word as she did when she first lived with us. So although there were changes in the household - the under lying foundation of D/s was always there and she didn't see it. Obvious changed we made...no more having sex in any room of the apartment - it was restricted to the Master bedroom, we couldn't walk around naked like we did before she was there, we didn't have the open D/s discussions at dinner as we once did. So for the most part things were just like every other house.

Also going to state this even though I think it should be understood - we never did anything around her that was adult in nature. She never saw any SM or sexual activities. When we did heavy impact play, she was out of the house...at friends, her part-time job or if it was something that was needed to be taken care of right away such as punishments - then the one that was not getting punished would take L's daughter out for dinner, shopping or a movie so that it could take place without her there.

So that is how it worked in the poly family...and yes I have more to share about poly so there will be at least one more if not 2 more posts about poly.

Anyone have questions about this time in my life or my views on poly feel free to ask - leave me a comment or email me.

Pimping some Journals....

I am pimping some journals that have turned into very regular reads...

Sir Larry & slave barb

These next ones are on yahoogroups....
Sir Stephen & slave catherine

My Poly Life...Then and Now...Part 3

Part 1 - Part 2

These are some memories from my times in the poly family. Not all of them are good moments. Some are really ugly actually. It is hard also to re-live it and remember that I was acting so irrationally and stupid frankly. I did lots of things I am not proud of and many things happened in the poly family. I had some really good times but the majority of it was not good. It was chaotic, emotional, just bad situations that were not healthy over all. I know we all learned a lot of what poly is and isn't - how it should work so it is good that I learned from the experiene. And thankful that wouldn't happen again.

Just some memories and thoughts of the poly family....the good, the bad and the ugly...

~ I moved in and 2 nights after being there he had a date with someone new. And although at the time I think I handled it very light-heartedly being so friendly and even flirty with her. Later it really bothered me that we didn't have time for our family to build a good bond and foundation before he was looking for his next addition. It was always who is next type feeling. Relationships - all relationships require work not just poly ones but when you are adding in multiple personalities and sets of likes and dislikes it does takes time and effort to mesh that together and make it work.

~ Okay so here is something that I am not proud of and that I don't recommend to ANYONE. And I learned the valuable lesson I should have because of it. I didn't know any of the family face to face. I know not a good thing --- AT ALL. I was naive and enthralled instead of using my brain and THINKING! It is amazing what slowing down and using your brain can do. So when I moved in his first* girl was on vacation to see her family so while she was gone it was actually nice for him and I to have quality time together. But I kept asking what he expected when she was there...sleeping arrangements, sex, domestic duties and so on. And it was just kind of like shrugged off. Now gentle readers...learn from my mistakes please...PLEASE PLEASE discuss ALL that before YOU EVER get to the point of moving in! PLEASE PLEASE I beg of you. Anyway, so that first night with her there wasn't very pleasant for me. I went with it. I did what I felt I should as "his slave" but inside I was really confused and upset. His first girl wasn't someone I was attracted to. There were just lots of things about personality that wasn't someone I like. We had nice conversations on ims, emails, and phone but face to face of course it didn't click like that. She was much different face to face. And I am sure I was different to her too. So that first night was completely uncomfortable for me. I tried to talk to my dominant about it before and after but I am not sure he really got that I wasn't attracted to her and that I didn't feel compatible with her. She and I would sit and chat for a bit but we never were close. All the things I love about poly would never come to be with her. He got it over time but he kept trying to put us together for a while. And I was with her to please him but it was never something I felt "good" about. And I really don't feel that is a situation that I don't care to repeat. (*first - not as in head slave but it was actually his first slave. And so she was there before anyone else -- been there the longest.)

~ Because I didn't like her like she liked me and wanted us to be...it did create friction at times. But she just felt the next sister slave would be "better." Her words to me. And that is when the D/s couple entered our household. Bug the s part of the couple wasn't attracted to her either and Bug was attracted to me. Bug and I hit it off right away. We blended so well as lovers, friends and serving together. It was just very nice. Bug's husband and Dominant was also very attracted to me and made that quite known. But my dominant didn't want me to be with other men....because I was "his favorite toy." Yes there were lots of problems going on. So none of this set well with first girl. Bug's husband was with first girl. But he still was very vocal about his desire to be with me. And because Bug and I were together I know being male he wanted to see his wife with a woman! As Bug had never been with a woman before she got involved with me. And my dominant, bug and I were all together so you can see that it didn't seem quite fair. Not that D/s relationships usually are fair. Moving on.

~ I had really good moments with Bug and then Bug and my dominant. Us 3 going to the strip club....watching Bug get a lap dance. Her facial expressions! Us 3 going on dates to dinner and movies. Him reading to us in bed. Her and I being with him together were nice times. Us three together were the reasons I love poly. We laughed, snuggled, did things together and just had a nice time together. Even just being silent in the room together. We served him together in many ways and it was always just very nice.


~ Eventually Bug and her dominant moved out. I wasn't allowed to see them or contact them. First girl moved out and I actually felt she got the short end of things - in many ways. The servant girl we had to ask leave (again long story). Others came and went. Several were long distance or just play partners. Then eventually L moved in. Basically my dominant had been talking to her and I was at this point - in the mindset of if they didn't seem real or serious I didn't want to chat with them. I remember it really clearly...I was lying on the bed in the slave room because I was horribly sick and he came in to tell me that someone was passing through town and going to visit us. Then asked if I would like to talk to her on the phone. So I said sure. I talked to her on the phone and she is saying how thankful she is to "Master" and she can't wait to meet me and live as "sister slaves" and then she asked me I wanted to talk to her daughter. She called me sis over and over again and this was our first time talking. Good thing I was lying down when this conversation took place as I think I would have fainted otherwise. What came out in the conversation was that she considered herself his already. She was moving in - yes moving in - with us in 2 weeks with her teenage daughter. Something I must mention, she really was a sweetheart on the phone. She sounded actually probably how I do on my phone posts all giggly and giddy. She was extremely polite, kind and gracious. So these were ALL good things since she was moving in. After the conversation with her, I went to the dominant and said I thought we should talk. He said about what. So I explained the conversation I had with L. I was very calm, very respectful and it ended up with him saying I was the one that didn't want to talk to anyone new. So I am sick as a dog and hardly able to move and we have not only another slave moving in but her teenager. So it was a shock but out of all the people that lived us...although I loved Bug very much the chaos of the household then made it hard for us to have the poly type situations I really desired. And with L, I got that....we had the poly situations I wanted for the most part.

~ L did move in and it was and up and down thing. Her and I had very different views of slavery. She felt until the dominant tells you to do something - she wasn't to do it as he didn't "order" her too. So if there wasn't any clothes for Master to wear because they were all sitting in the laundry hamper she didn't "think" to wash them until he ordered her too. After we got that straightened out - she was HARD worker. And very good at cleaning. So it did become the poly I wanted and dreamed about....us cooking together, folding clothes together, laughing, teasing and singing together. Yes singing L had amazing voice and I used to sing in contests as a child (until I developed stage fright). And so I love to sing so we would sing together and harmonize actually very well together. Our voices sounded very nice together.

~ Another great moment...we would lay on the bed after the dominant came home and we would just relax, talk and laugh...all 3 of us. We were fully dressed - no adult situations occurring. It was good quality family time.

~ We were moving to a bigger apartment in the same building 3 floors down. Right before we moved in the dominant, L and myself went in and did little rituals in each room - making them safe and just cleansing the energy...claiming it as our home. We wrote a little note that got taped in each room in a place people wouldn't notice basically saying this place is ours and safe. We had pizza and wine and laid on the living room floor with candles as the power had not been turned on yet. We talked, hugged, kissed and just were there with each other bringing a wonderful first memory to the place.

~ The day we moved in....would have been my wedding anniversary to my ex-husband and really it was the first wedding anniversary after the divorce even though we hadn't spent the previous 2 wedding anniversaries together the one after the divorce really hit me hard. I know I don't talk about him much now but he is someone I will always love. And have lots of regrets with him so was a hard day for me. But we had to move. We had moved some down the few days before but not really kicked ass like we needed too so now we had just 1 more day to move everything. So L asked our dominant if she could get us drunk. She made pitcher after pitcher of this mix that went down like kool-aid. And so by the end of the day we had it done but also as the day wore on it was very much kind of throwing things on to the dolly and unloading just to get it off and do the next load. But we had SUCH a GREAT time! We laughed all day long. We would start to lift something heavy and get the giggles you know...those times when you really shouldn't because you could drop it and break toes! And of course that is when we would laugh. We would laugh until we were crying! It was such a great time. People would squeeze on to the elevator with us and all our self and we would be laughing and they would say they never saw someone moving having so much fun. And that would just crack us up more. Anyway, she took a very hard day for me and made it into a very memorable fun day.

~ L was a very sweet and shy girl for the most part and so just doing small things for her made her beam. Doing even bigger things made her a sloppy mushy mess - just like I get. I gave her a bracelet that was to strands of silver coming together and forming a knot in the middle. And I felt it was her and I. I gave that to her and she and I both were balling our heads off. That kind of bond that happened during those moments are things I miss about being poly. Of course there was another side to her that wasn't good either. But she had lots of problems and I hope she got help for them and now is happy. Really happy.

~ Something I really liked the whole time I was in the poly family was when the dominant was playing with one of the girls. It made me feel good that he was having fun. The spare room/slave room was next door to the Master bedroom and so often you could hear them through the walls. And I loved it. It made me feel good and sometimes (depending on who it was) very turned on. (side note: I will talk about structure within the poly family in another post - like did we all sleep together, how things go divided up and so on)

When I go through all the memories in my mind the times that I liked the best was just having sister time...I liked cooking and cleaning with them. It was great standing side by side in the laundry room folding clothes and chatting and laughing. Or making the bed together, setting the table, grocery shopping and all the other domestic things we could do together. I liked that time a lot. When I tried the triad with my dear friends it was the thing I liked the most also...her and I cooking, cleaning, and just doing things together as family. (*sister - I don't like the term sister. For some reason it irritates me. I think hearing on Big Love has made me feel a little bit better about it. But really I only think of sister in 2 contexts and the 2nd is still one I am working on being better with. So 1) my biological sisters are my sisters. 2) those who are "sister" slaves. Such on Big Love they call themselves sister wives.)

(to be continued...part 4 will be of structure of how it worked)

Voice Posts

I did 2 more phone posts over on Livejournal for those that are interested...

Listen to the first

Listen to the second

My Poly Life...Then and Now...Part 2

This is part 2 so if you haven't read part 1...you might want to check that out first.

So I mentioned previously that I didn't desire poly with someone living with us because of my past. And that is mostly due to the poly family. When I was involved in the poly family I didn't like it because of how it was done. There were never any clear boundaries, direction or talk of what poly meant to the family as a whole...where it would and wouldn't go. So there were always things coming into play that surprised, disappointed, shocked me because nothing was discussed upfront. And I went into that situation. I know better now of course. Especially in a poly type situation communication is so important.

Basically it came to be that he was the Master so therefore he did what he wanted. Now Master can do what he wants too but he also believes in the over all long term health of this relationship. And so just as an example (that yes happened in my poly past) going out and having sex without protection with someone he doesn't know very well - won't happen because he would worry about STD's and pregnancy and such. Now I know everyone who passed through the poly family learned a lot by being in the situations we encountered. It was a learning experience. So I am not wanting to slam the dominant or anyone in the relationship. I just am trying to point out things that didn't and did work in the relationship for me.

Another really hard thing for me was the looking for others. There seemed to be a lot of set ups...that came crashing down. He would fall head over heels for someone and then the rest of us would be introduced and get head over heels and then crash when it wouldn't work out. It always seemed rushed and often the girls really didn't want poly - they would want him or want one of the girls but not everyone or to live in a poly family. And it became a hard emotionally over time. It was very draining and I ended up creating lots of walls and barriers. Although I understood not liking everyone in the family. I also learned that they were family and my biological family often annoys me, hurts me and angers me...but we also have a lot of caring for each other. And that was the same for the poly family.

As I said before there weren't any clear boundaries or discussion of what poly meant in our family. It was just kind of done as we went along. And changed too. So you might get used to one way - such as always meeting the girls right as he met them and then suddenly they would be practically moving in (which actually happened) without ever having talking to any of the girls. For me - what I like is if this person is going to be living with us that we all met at the same time. I didn't think every meeting had to include all us girls but I felt for the first meeting it was important that the other person "get" we are a family. Because I felt that was often forgotten or pushed to the side. So my ideal would be that we would meet and get to know the person as the dominant gets to know the person. Now I believe that it is very important for the dominant and the new girl to have their own one on one time to build that bond...the D/s bond. And I also think it is just as important that the girls have one on one time with the newest so that they can each develop their own bond with her.

One reason I wanted everyone to meet right away as I said above is because I felt at times the new person would like to "forget" that there was a large poly family behind the dominant. Often there were girls the dominant would be interested in that didn't want to meet the us all. And not only that - they usually pretended we didn't exist. We wouldn't be acknowledged. That always bothered me. It would be like a man started dating a woman with kids and he never wants to meet the kids. Not that we were kids of course. But we were family and a part of the dominant's family....and so that just never made sense to me why would anyone want to be involved with just a part of a person. And it goes the other way around too why would a woman be involved with a man that doesn't want to meet the rest of her family. It actually something that comes up in my relationship with Master now. He has several girls that call or im and they never acknowledge I am here. When I answer the phone, you can always tell...that they don't want to talk to me. There is usually a long pause like "damn she answered I don't want to talk to her." And they always the ones that want Master to play with them, or wanted him before I got together with him that never acknowledge me.

Poly is a lot of hard work. I wrote an essay years and years ago that kind of goes with this post: Common Problems within Poly Relationships.

(to be continued - next post memories from the poly family - the good, the bad and the ugly)

My Poly Life..Then and Now...Part 1

Prologue: I am still typing this poly post so I realized it needs to be split up as it is getting to long. Right now in Word it is 7 pages long single spaced and I am not done. So I think I will be doing 4 parts possibly 5. Part 1 right now, Part 2 tonight, Part 3 tomorrow as they are both done. And then hopefully the rest next week.

When I was a little girl I would draw these floor plans for houses. And in the house there would be almost like dormitory type rooms in the house that were for the "wives." I never knew at that time about poly. I don't believe it was ever mentioned around me. I didn't know that it wasn't "normal" to just have one wife but the thought of being in the kitchen cooking with other women and getting things prepared for the husband just sounded nice to me. I would make stories in my head to go along with the house as I would draw the plans...and I would hear giggling of the wives in the dorm type room....snuggling in beds together....cuddled on a couch together. It made me feel good and happy inside.

So fast forward to more current times....

I think I kind of fell into poly. When I discovered BDSM online, years and years after Don, I found that many people in the BDSM community seemed to be poly. Or at least many Dominants seemed to be involved with more then one submissive. And I didn't have problems with that as brought back those childhood stories. Plus I am bisexual so it is nice to be able to have female and male partners. I have never really been a jealous person. Boyfriends would flirt with others and such and most of the time I didn't mind. I actually remember getting turned on by it. It only bothered me when my needs were not getting met and there were problems in our relationship. I would get envious of the attention when I was lacking or craving it. I never really felt threatened by others though - because for me if the people in the relationship are doing the work - doing what they need to keep it going -- then there is no reason in my mind to feel threatened.

I often feel poly is a used though as a way to "fix" relationships. The primary couple might not be playing as much, the new relationship energy has faded and so they think adding outside relationships will spark energy into their own relationship. And that usually fails miserably...in my humble opinion. I think when we get in a relationship we all love that new energy and the attention that we get then but if things aren't working in your current relationship - then it is unfair to engage in another just to experience those good feeling from the new energy. Also if there is problems in the primary relationship usually the secondary relationships will be affected by fall out from the problems in the primary so not fair to the secondary also.

Just as there are many ways to do BDSM - I think there are many ways to do poly. I think poly *for me* is being involved in a long term intimate relationship with more then one person. For me it is *not* just playing or having sex with someone casually. Many people include swinging in poly but that isn't poly to me either.

I have been a part of poly relationships over the years....

My first poly experience was within a big poly family. When I moved in, there was 1 live in slave besides me, 1 live in servant type girl who was not owned by the dominant but served him, 2 submissives that did not live with us and then other casual play partners that didn't live with us. Shortly after moving in a D/s couple moved in with us and the dominant I was involved with became the head of the household basically. It was a complicated set up. But it worked between the 2 dominants. All the girls "could" play with each other without asking - SM or sex. All the girls of the dominant I was involved with could play with the other dominant except me I wasn't allowed to play with him. The other dominant's submissive could play with the dominant I was involved with. Most of the girls within the household - I was not attracted to and more importantly did not have the connection I needed there to be when involved with....except the other dominants submissive. And so she and I were involved. We had a very loving sensual relationship. She was very sweet. And I miss her. Anyway, I will I am sure talk about her again and so using her nickname, Bug.

In the time I was with this dominant he had quite a few come and go. In the end it was just him and I living together but he had long distant relationships going also. We even had kids in the household at one time too -- an 8 year old for a summer and teenager for over a year.

I will be coming back to that relationship again as I ramble.

After my relationship in the poly family. I then had trial run with a very dear couple that I love an adore to this day. They were just starting to explore poly together. And there has been previous issues so we kind of had a bumpy road. After that I was involved in a D/s relationship with one, a Daddy/little girl with someone else and a Top/bottom with another fellow - plus I had 2 girlfriends all at the same time and they all knew of each other.

It really was not until Master that I "stopped" poly relationships as he believes and I also do - when starting an M/s relationship it is very important to build a strong foundation and he felt that would be hard if pursuing others at the same time. He wanted us to just focus on us. I feel, Master and I do have a strong foundation now but I know that neither of us feel it is still a good time to pursue an outside relationship. Master is very busy and doesn't have much time with me right now and so it is highly unlikely that he would be able to give to another also.

Since Big Love started showing, I am not kidding when I say this, I have weekly and almost at times nightly poly dreams. Sometimes it is me just being the fourth wife of Bill (but who doesn't have those dreams right - we all want to sleep with margene). And other times it is Master and I being in a triad.

It is odd because when Master and I talked about poly early on in our relationship. I told him that my wishes (of course his word is law so although I can express my thoughts, desires, ideas, wishes in the end he does what he wants)....so I told him my wishes that if we were to ever do poly that I would like it if the other person didn't live with us. And that comes from my past experiences. If it is not just the right mix, tensions in a household can become very intense. And no one likes walking on egg shells at home. And so the thought of having someone he/we go on dates with, get together and play with and do some family things together but she goes back to her own home sounded so much nicer to me then living with someone.

So Big Love starts and I start having dreams. And I think someone living with us is very nice. It then occurs to me that most of my daydreams about this other person has to do with me. I realized in the day dreams she is -for me-. Because we all know it is about me (insert cough and yeah right). But really in these day dreams she was for me. Because lately I just have been very lonely. And Master has been so busy we just haven't had quality time. So yes I thought about washing dishes with another girl, folding clothes together, having sex (woohoo) and just hanging out together. And that is when I realized "okay duh danae you are having these feelings because you are lonely." I am not sure I really have changed my views on having someone live with us. But maybe because I have played over and over it has softened me more to the idea of it. But again really it has to be the right mix. I can't stress that enough. For the type of poly Master and I might ever be involved with he would want me involved with her too...not just him. And so finding that fit for 2 people is very complex to me.

Again it really isn't up to me. But I know if we ever want to go that direction Master and I will be talking about it a lot as he doesn't want it to go like it has in my past. He wants things spelled out more clearly what we desire, where we want it to go and such. So those are all good things.

And it won't be happening for some time if it ever does as Master just has too much on his plate.

(to be continued)

Dixie Chicks - Taking the Long Way

Okay so here is the deal...I love music. I love almost any kind of music. But country music is just something I have never been able to like. Anyway, I have not listened to much of the Dixie Chicks in the past. Someone I am actually going to mention in my poly post that is going to be posted after this post - used to listen to them quite a bit and I could stand listening to them but still it had at times too much of that country TWANG that gets to me. I downloaded 1 Dixie Chick song several years ago - their remake of Landslide. I love that song and really liked their remake of it. So I have that one. But other then that never been a Dixie Chick fan.

Anyway, Bill Maher has a show on Amazon.com now and he had the Dixie Chicks on the pilot episode and they played 2 songs and wow I loved them both. It didn't sound country to me. And Bill actually said the same thing. So Master asked me the other night if I wanted any music and right away they came to mind. So I played sample of the whole cd first just to make sure...then asked if I could have the whole cd. As it seemed amazing even just listening to little snippets of it. So he bought it for me. Yay!

Many of the songs talk about the ordeal they had after Natalie spoke out against the President Bush in 2003. And it is pretty powerful stuff - to me anyway. So I have been playing it none stop practically. I will play it and sing to it and I might play it several times in a row and then play something else and then immediately I am back to them. And each time I listen I hear another piece of lyric that really just touches me.

Anyway...I am wanting to pimp them...as it is a REALLY good CD!

Poly Links....

Oh these seem to be with a BDSM slant....

http://polyweekly.libsyn.com/ - weekly podcast (side note to Vamp: something you wrote is mentioned on the May 31st podcast)
http://polyweekly.livejournal.com/ - the lj for the weekly podcast

(and I do have a poly post coming - going to work on tonight as Master is out of town)

Making the Relationship Work

I am going through my email box to figure out who I have missed in replying to emails. I know there have been quite a few lately. So in doing so I am cleaning out TONS of emails that I have had for years.

Last year on one of the yahoogroups I am the question was asked to list the top three things that you believe make your relationship work and why....and that without those things would the relationship fail or the M/s still be there?

my answer:
1) Our commitment to the relationship. Something I have found in this relationship and have not had before is faith. We have incredible faith in each other and where we are going. And the ability to slow down and see it during the bumpy times has really helped me and I believe Master would say helped him too.

2) Enjoying our time together.....laughing or in silence...just enjoying our time together. Even the simple things...such as talking and laughing in the car on the way to family, going to the grocery store together, watching a movie and so on.

3) We mesh together....but we aren't complete opposites. But we do balance each other out in the things we are opposites. But we also mesh together well with your many similarities.

I do think without these things the relationship might fail. If they were not there, I think the M/s would still be there. I just am not sure how happy we would be in the relationship...but who knows.

I do know that we both desire the M/s to be there in our relationship. And if that was not there we probably would not be together.

Coulter....over the edge

Okay so Master forwarded me this link where Ann Coulter says, "I have never seen people enjoying their husband's death so much." That is in regards to the wives of 9/11. Yes she really said it in her new book and agreed with it on air with Matt Lauer. I sat there reading that over and over with my mouth hanging open so shocked someone would say something like that...and she really truly believes it. She believes the wives of 9/11 are enjoying their husband's deaths. She also called them broads...that "are millionaires stalked by griefparrazies..." Broads? Millionaries? Griefparrazies? Again just shocked. It hurts just to think someone believes things like that...and I know there are a lot more out there that do....so sad.

(link to the video clip of it at the end of the article)

Positive Monday

5 Positive Things in my life...
1. both the cat and I seem to be doing better on the allergy front! (I haven't had to take an allergy pill in 2 days)
2. I am getting through the laundry - which is a task a I dislike the most
3. It is birthday week for several friends Carolynn, Mandy, and Lisa. I hope they have fantastic birthdays!
4. I have an understanding and supportive Daddy!
5. Chocolate and good old movies!