I am 0 I am nothing _

what number are you?

this quiz by orsa

well i maybe fixed that one lol

i want to be nothing sooooooooooooooooo much! i want to be HIS nothing. i know i am....His nothing....*blushing*

Obstacles don’t have to stop you. If you run into a wall, don’t turn around and give up. Figure out how to climb it, go through it, or work around it. - Michael Jordan

I did not sleep well at all....I have been up for several hours because I can't sleep. I woke up so many nightmares. Meditation did not seem to take the edge off my nerves last night. I woke up with a dream at one point....a good dream.....of arriving home.....and getting on my hands and knees....right away....to kiss my Master's feet. I was just so happy to finally be home. He told me at the airport...that this right now is a vacation and that I would come home. The dream was so vivid...the details of His home very clear....I woke up wondering if I was home. And then sad I wasn't.

I am going to Moni's today and for the weekend. I am sure I will post at some point. I know she plans to keep me busy so that my mind does not wander too much. Maybe we can go see the Rodin exhibit. A good friend of Moni's called her to tell me....about it. And I am a big fan of Rodin.

I go into almost a tantric state when I look at art sometimes *blushing* I don't need to touch it and I know tantra is about touching. But this is touching with sight. I feel it....and it consumes me.

I was reading in enslavement a while back....where on this path that basically....how you knew that you were gone. I had a dream of when I was first with Don and that...started happening. It was like the person I had pretended to be for everyone....was gone. That the sheilds and walls of armour I had up....dropped to expose my core essense. And not that was still not a good daughter and good friend. But I was more at peace, I was being who I was.....and.....I guess my focus changed...on the imporant things.

I am not sure I am making any sense this morning.....jumping all over the place....

I am writing more but want to post this for now.

LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): It seems like everything you do now is either too much or not enough. It’s like someone has put a distortion filter on the volume control of your senses. You know what you want, but others may give you the feedback that you need too much. Meanwhile, you don’t think you’re even asking for a lot. All in all, it’s irritating. The good news is that things can begin to settle down later in the day.

Thought i would post that and....

Trying to get through this night....my first day of not talking to Him since I have been back.....and I feel very much like a girl out of her cage.....lost without the captivity.

I am learning how to meditate better and so reading Mindfulness in Plain English. I had it open all day and have been reading it on and off. But I opened this page up an scrolled down while on the phone and stopped....when I just opened it again this paragraph jumped out at me....this is a good lesson for me to learn.....

The meditator’s job is to cancel this unskillful habit by examining it thoroughly, and then replacing it with another. Rather than noticing the differences between self and others, the meditator trains himself to notice similarities. He centers his attention on those factors that are universal to all life, things that will move him closer to others. Thus his comparison, if any, leads to feelings of kinship rather than feelings of estrangement.

Be bold and mighty forces will come to your aid. - Basil King

2 steps forward 1 step back…..1 step forward?

This morning after I wrote my journal entry. I wrote Him…His morning email. In it I talked that I did a journal entry and then I went on to describe a dream I had last night.

The dream involved someone I was shocked was in my dream, but I think it also went with my meditation last night….of not letting people have power. So, I have placed this person in my dream to show myself just the amount of power she has….none. He was in control.

Anyway, the dream turned me on - I know surprise surprise!

So this mornings I described the dream in my email and He wrote me back and told me I may masturbate to orgasm. The thing about the orgasm, there is a price to pay with that orgasm and there was not a choice. It was not like I was told you can orgasm and pay the price or you don’t have to and not pay the price. It was “you will orgasm and you will pay the price.” So how did I react at first….DUH if you know me…you know I got upset and cried. I was upset He was “making” me do this…knowing the price I would pay. It is unfair I said in my mind. And then I shook my head and sat down….

I took a few breathes slowed everything down and….then I turned it around…why am I upset? Because He is in control? I want Him to have control so I don’t need to be upset about that. So why am I crying? Because I want my way? Sure! I don’t want to pay the price I am going too….

But….

It is not my choice. It is not my power. It is not in my control. He wants me to pay the price. He wants me to orgasm. And….I *want* and *need* to please and serve Him.

So, I won’t fail Him.

Usually my mindset would panic….would freeze and not be able to orgasm and try to keep it in my control because I don’t want the consequences of the price I will be paying. But…I GET IT…I will pay it when He wants me to, how He wants me to, whenever He wants me to, where He wants me to….

I AM NOT IN CONTROL! (caps for emphasis not yelling)

Do you think I am going to get that in my head?

I want to….and I will.

Music: it is CD with Celtic music on it...not anyone in particular a variety
Mood: a little scared, but hopeful and lighter
Topics: Meditation and fighthing meditation

As I said last night either I will be writing up a storm or not much….

Well last night started with meditating and writing 6 pages in my handwritten journal before I went to bed…

But I am getting ahead of myself….

Last night I knew I would not be able to get to sleep easily. And of course I had not asked Him if I could masturbate. And so I went to something He has been encouraging me to do for months. And I have done on and off, but when I would desperately need too.

I sat down and meditated on the Osho Zen cards I pulled.

The Burden - The Creator - The Fool

In my mind’s eye though I also had the images Primal Scream painted in her journal when she was dealing with rage with her Owner.

I went to this place of where I saw her and her Owner and then it over time changed….and then it was Him and I….

And our conversation we had last night on the phone.

I heard it in His voice. He was not mad like He was a few weeks ago on the phone. He was very matter of fact like. It is not mine…nothing is mine anymore.

And so why do I hang on to them?

The Burden card flashed to my mind….

The card is a man trying to go up a mountain with a man in kind of royal dress and then a rooster on top of that man....the man is carrying these charaters on his back...he looked tired like his energy is drained.

“It feels like a struggle from the cradle to the grave...it is time to drop the characters from your back. You have your own mountains to conquer, your own dreams to fulfill, but you need all your energy and you can only get that from dropping them...releasing yourself from all expectations you've gathered from others but now think on your own. Chances are those characters only exist in your mind. It is time to lighten up and send them on their way.”

I give power to those burdens. I give power to people who don’t deserve my power. I give people power when the only person that I want to give up control and power to is Him.

I hate wasting energy...I have told Him that many times and someone that I don't want to waste energy on I have wasted a lot of energy and given that person a lot of power too. And as I write that I am thinking really loudly THAT SUCKS! Shame on me!

So in my mind’s eye I took off some of those burdens…expectations of others…that are not the goal I have in my life. My mountain to conquer is surrender. I will surrender and accept. I give my power over to Him. I give Him control. Not to the expectations of others. What they think does not matter....only thing that matters is I know me. I know what I want. I know I WILL have it. And I know that He sees it too.

Those are things I thought of during meditating and after meditating, I felt so much better. Lighter…free from a lot of expectations. I don’t expect it to be easy…that now they are just poof gone. I know it will be work…but I last night when writing I gave thought to how to keep myself focused.

And I kept coming back to my spiritual beliefs that I have been learning, but not putting a lot of time into. And that is Buddhism. Buddhism encourages meditation also.

I wrote last night in my journal…wondering why did I fight Him so when He would encourage me meditate. It is something good obviously after just last night’s session; it did me a world of good. I feel the calmness inside. I don’t feel all the insecurities, struggles as much today.

So why did I fight Him when He was encouraging me to do something good for myself and obviously it would help my service to Him?

Those internal programmings…

Self messages....

Thoughts I came up with….

Years of not being able to rely on what others tell me is good for me. Not having faith in that they have my best interest at heart. Years of people not really knowing what is good for me, because they really don‘t know me. Because how would someone that has just known me this short of time know what is good for me? Years of doing things on my own and I can fix this and I don’t need help from anyone not you, not her, not my spiritual beliefs and not meditation. I can do it all! *rolls eyes*

I am sure there countless other messages I give myself why to fight this....

So turn those around....

I can count on Him. I do have faith in Him to be there and know what is best for me.

He does know what is good for me. Let him do his job. Have faith in Him.

He does know me more then I like to admit....but why fight that? I want that...I have wanted that all my life. So let go and let him know me...let go and allow Him to help me.

He wants to help me...He is willing. Let Him. I am not allowing Him to have the power to do His job if I don’t let Him help me. I have searched for someone strong enough...to see through the walls and mask and know....the core in me. And He is trying to do that...trying to help me....so let go and let him help.

Lesson learned....Only expectations that matters are His. Mediation is a good way to figure all that I am fighting, a good way to help me focus, a good way to find peace, a good way to put what I need to in the center of my world. Lessons learned….not everything needs to be a battle….that I need help to conquer fears, insecurities, struggles…self messages that are not good or healthy. Lesson Learned…I am not in control. He is….and I sit here and smile as I write that….because I feel it more today then I have….really ever.

This fit with the last entry and so I decided to post it here....thank you girlie for being a great friend....knowing what slavery is to me and knowing what it is like.....for me....right now....

girlie: I know it's hard to let go, you've been hurt so much, and you've been in charge of yourself for so long now, and wanting someone else to be doing it and not being able to find anyone that was up to it, and now here he is, but it's hard for you because you've had to be the one to step up to the plate for so long now, and you just are having a bit of a hard time because you just don't know how to let go.
girlie: does that sum it up?
Danae: yes he told me i have 17 years of programing and conditioning to get through

Music: none....silence
Mood: clear but drained
Topic: whatever comes out

I am not sure how much I will post in the next few days...either I will be writing up a storm or I will be mostly silent. My focus is Home. Going Home and the steps that I need to get there. That is learning to see what I am fighting and struggling with....17 years of sh*t. So how do I deal with all those years of conditioning and programming? (sidenote: 17 years - from the time I surrendered to Don until now.) But it is time to let them go....

And go home....finally. My lesson to be learned.....to find the inner battles - identify them, see why I have them and then find ways to deal with them. Easy task huh? LOL

I know I need help identifying them and know He will help me.....guide me on this journey.

I love You Master....I have faith in You...in Us.

Music: Mix - The Cranberries, Kylie Minogue, Coldplay, U2, Van Morrison, Duran Duran, Pink....but yes it is a good mix
Mood: busy
Topic: Innocence

I forgot to write about the Osho Zen Innocence card...

"The old Man in this card radiates a childlike delight in the world. There is a sense of grace surrounding him as if he at home with himself and with what life has brought. He seems to be having a playful communication with the praying mantis on his finger, as if the two of them are the greatest of friends. The pink flowers cascading around him represent a time of letting go, relaxation and sweetness. They are in a response to his presence, a reflection of his own qualities. The innocence that comes from a deep experience of life is childlike, but not childish. The innocence of children is beautiful, but not ignorant. It will be replaced by mistrust and doubt as the child grows and learns that the world can be a dangerous and threatening place. But the innocence of a life lived fully has a quality of wisdom and acceptance of the ever-changing wonder of life."

I have pulled that card a lot in the last month...maybe I just understood it now though.

Zen says that if you drop knowledge...your name, your identity, everything because it has been given to you...it will be like you are reborn...you will be innocent. I then will be in a state of letting go and acceptance too.

The things I feel about slavery....there is a purity and innocence to it. I wrote about it a few weeks ago and could not find the words. But purity and innocence is a good way to look at it for me.

Because I shed so much...

But what I am shedding is not by being broke down (even though I like that thought at times too *smiles*), but being stripped to the core....taking all the walls down.... so that I am naked and exposed....to who I REALLY am...who I really need to be always.

There is an innocence and purity in that.

"There are no mistakes. The events we bring upon ourselves, no matter how unpleasant, are necessary in order to learn what we need to learn; whatever steps we take, they're necessary to reach the places we've chosen to go." - Richard Bach

I found this quote on someone's journal today....and it is by Richard Bach and although I tend to like what I read of his works....I always think of 2 people when I see a quote by him. But even though that was the case.....it still is a good quote.

Music: a mix of Lords of Acid, NIN, Linkin Park, Godsmack, Puddle of Mudd, Marilyn Manson, and a few songs from Queen of the Damned Soundtrack
Mood: depressed....fighting to stay above water
Topic: Struggle, Natural or Unnatural....basically I guess

What I want is to be a slave….His slave more importantly.

How do I get there though? Is it easy? Is it natural?

When I was 18, I was involved with a man named Don. If I look at our relationship to a certain point (before he got into some gambling problems), I feel the warmth in it. The warmth that completed me and told me this was who I am…a slave. There was such…freedom in his control over me. It felt so natural. So right. He had absolute control over me. And it felt natural. I did not struggle. I did not hesitate or think…why? Did he do it in a way that made it seem natural? Or was it just there and in my innocence I let it out?

The Osho Zen card….innocence just popped into my head. I will come back to that at the end.

Okay so did he enslave me in a way that seemed natural? Or was it just the innocence of my age that allowed me to let it out freely?

I can’t figure it out. The rest of my relationships were…not as a slave. Dale…I was submissive to him. It was when I was first coming back to this lifestyle and I was scared. So I put up really big thick walls - okay so they were already there - I just added lots of heavy locks. When we were together I served and pleased him, but it was play…I did not let it come from the natural part slave part just the slut in me. I put it on and new I only had to put it on and keep it up for 3 to 5 days and so I could talk myself past the fear for 3 to 5 days. Then came Kam…I gave up a lot to Kam. I had a sense of duty in my submission to him. But there was parts of me…that he did not even know were there. I was slave in action to Kam, but not in heart. Next Todd….I was not a slave, but I would have been if he had let me. But it scared him. I surrendered lots to Todd, but in the time we were together of course he did not see all of me. But not because I did not want him to, but because he did not want to see it.

So now we come to Him….

He….I am giving him more then I even gave Don….and obviously more then I gave anyone in between….

But it is a struggle…

After Don, I know I talked myself into….that what he and I did was “wrong” and “bad.” That I should not want what he did to me.

I have lived lots of years telling myself that all that was inside of me…all those feelings I have to serve and please someone completely, freely, bending to his will, and giving up my power was unnatural. That I needed to be more like __________ (fill in the blank of any career focus, aggressive woman). (Disclaimer: I think you can be that and give up your power, but years of conditioning told me that have to be one or the other and that giving up power was “wrong“) That I should not want someone else to have control over me. That I should not want to submit to someone else’s will….

Conditioning years of conditioning…I am fighting through.

But that natural part of me…my will is that I want to bend to His will….I am a slave….His slave.

I think the path…and know that I will get to the place in the journey where I feel free in being a slave will come…again. I look forward to that day….

But right now it is a struggle. A struggle against conditioning….a struggle against all those inner voices we have that say negative messages. A struggle against what others think is “the right way.”

My lesson is to learn the only way is His way. And it is a lesson that I know will become natural to me. That I will wrapped in the warmth of bending to His will, wrapped in the warmth of being with someone who allows me to be me, wrapped in the warmth of being His slave.

I am struggling with....surrender and venting. How does a slave get all the icky feelings out and still surrender? How do I express my thoughts, opinions and feelings without it interfering with His agenda? There are times, I can do exactly that. But when it is a subject we disagree on....I don't know HOW to turn those feelings....into submission really. I know right now I am doing as well as I can with it, but how do I take it further. How do I just let them go? I feel me bending...bending where He goes....what He wants and I need to do that to serve and please Him. And when I don't bend how He wants...I try to learn how.....I just don't know how to let them go and just process them into something that helps me serve Him even better.

It is acceptance, but reality of acceptance is so different then just saying, "oh you need to accept." He and I had a conversation where I understood what He was saying, but many things I disagreed with, but I internally went through that process of it is His will, He is my Master. I have faith He will protect me. I trust Him more then I have trusted anyone.

I will give Him it all...I will surrender just as He wants and seeks. It is what I have been searching for all my life.

I just is much harder then it looks like in black and white words on a screen....from a website or a book.

This is not fun...but I need this....I need to serve Him.

"Such is the paradox of slave regeneration: strength arising out of complete defeat and weakness, the loss of one's old life as a condition for finding a new one. But we of slave ilk do not have to understand that paradox; we have only to be grateful for it." -slave Bob C.