Fetish Definition List

I discovered there was a label that worked for what I was feeling and who I was when I stumbled upon a bulletin board for submissives in 1995. I found myself nodding along to many things that I read.  After that I chatted with people, continued to read the bulletin boards as well as websites and  I also ordered books. One of the first books I ordered was Different Loving by by Gloria Brahme, William Brahme and Jon Jacobs.  Basically the book took fetishes and gave definitions for them as well as had interviews with people who did those fetishes. One thing they listed as a fetish was living the life 24/7.

I remember reading the interviews in the 24/7 section and knowing that is what I desired and wanted. My life until that point had a lot of D/s elements in it.  I served my husband in many way, all decisions I consulted with him before hand and he had the final say in it, we had kinky sex in the bedroom and outside the bedroom he often could compel me to do what he wished by just telling me what he desired. We didn't do punishment. We didn't have heavy SM. We had just some light bondage, breath play, pulling hair, use of household items used as spanking implements and then rough grabbing.  In the 24/7, the slaves were more controlled than I was with my husband. So the world of the 24/7 interviewees - intrigued me.  That definition and thoughts on it really helped me form my early beliefs, desires and what I wanted to explore.

Reading, talking and sharing ideas and thoughts with people helped me formulate and expand on the basis of my desires. At that time having Different Loving give explanations for fetishes that I had no idea existed let alone had a name - was really helpful. Now days there are quite a few websites out there that give definitions for all the different fetishes. There are also lots of places to discuss and share your thoughts and help you hash out what you want and desire. Instead of using household implements (which can be fun though too) as I did when first learning, you can  explore with fun fetish toys. Eden Fantasys has a community of people that share through reviews, articles and forums and can help someone new figure out what you want and desire.

There is a 3 part series on fetish definitions titled the Wild Kinky Alphabet that I think would be particularly helpful to those new to the BDSM world and exploring fetishes. These articles go through a very wide range of  fetishes and I am sure will be helpful in explaining all the different kind of play and will maybe spark some area of interest that you might be discussing with your partner soon.

Finding a Master

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Personal Responsibility

My good friend Jouet posted these links on FetLife and I think they are so important that I am passing them on. These aren't just for men or dominant men - this is for all adults. Personal responsibility and accountability is something we should all know and do, but sometimes it seems we can be denial and forget.

Personal Responsibility 101: Why Is It So Hard to Own Up to Our Mistakes?
Personal Responsibility 102: The Importance of Owning Up to Your Mistakes and How to Do It

30 Days - Day 16

Day 16: What are the most difficult aspects of having a sexuality that involves kink or BDSM for you personally?

I am not sure I am getting the meaning of this question...maybe I am taking it mean something more then it does.  Because I really don't find anything difficult about being kinky or into BDSM.  

From M/s point of view, I guess the difficulties lie in the judgement against those who choose to do O/p or M/s.  Or the times when my brain goes into a flip-flop and I get panicked and don't think I can do this....I hate when I have those moments of - "wow I just wish I could just not do a,b, and c today because I don't want too."  I have been his 10 years and still I go through those moments.   It is just like some days you don't want to go to work, or go to see family on holidays.....you might enjoy your job and be passionate about it, but still doesn't mean you don't have off days.  You love your family, but still doesn't mean sometimes you just want to stay at home.  Slavery is sometimes like that for me - I am passionate about serving and being Owned by Master, but some mornings I wake up and go you know what I would love to not have to do a, b and c today. 

The previous 30 Days of Kink entries.

Be Yourself

"If I have to do something out of the ordinary for me, than we are not a match. I am going to be myself for the foreseeable future, so if that does not inspire submission now, it never will." ~ Flagg

Oh Flagg always had such wise words. I was going through quotes I have saved over the years and I came across so many good ones...such as this one from Flagg.

Downton Abbey

I have been drinking more tea this winter. Last winter, I might have had a cup or two a week. Now I have one almost everyday.  Even having a second cup sometimes. 

Either it is just because it has been so cold this winter or maybe watching so much of Downton Abbey is inspiring me to drink more tea.

It took about 3 episodes of the first season before getting Master hooked on Downton Abbey. We watched season 1 on Netflix and season 2 on Hulu.  Right now 3 is being shown on PBS.org until March 3rd. But luckily for me, Master bought me Downton Abbey UK edition Season 3 on DVD so we had a season 3 marathon recently. I was thrilled to see moments I had been waiting for since season 1. But I was also shocked by some things and think Mr. Julian Fellowes writer/creator of Downton Abbey has a little Joss Whedon in him. Joss fans might understand when they watch all of season 3. 

Now I am waiting for season 4! And rewatching all seasons OVER and OVER. 
I love the opening credits where they measure the place settings. I remember seeing the first episode - and even now when I watch it I get this feeling of flutter in my stomach from the service. I love the attention to details and dynamics between the servants and their Master/employer. 

There is this little piece when Matthew in season 1 expresses to Robert that he doesn't need a valet. It is just a little moment where he goes on about how unfair that would be to Mosely, but then ends it with - "We all have parts to play Matthew and we must all be allowed to play them." I like that line.  We do all have parts to play in life. Finding that path to do what you desire can sometimes be hard. But the outcome is worth and luckily I have found my part to play it fits nicely with what Master desires. 

Just for fun.... Sesame Street does Downton Abbey

Captain Jack Slips on a Condom

Condoms in adult sex movies is something that is always being considered as a law. Honestly I am not sure how I feel about it. I thought it was a law before this to tell you the truth.  I guess I should have known that it wasn't a law from the porn I watch.  I remember when I was escort - in the sex industry I remember this being talked about a lot.  It is something I think that is always kind of split in the porn industry - some don't want condoms and some do.  It was the same as an escort - some clients hated using condoms and some were fine using them. 

I like the idea of safe sex. But I also think the people having sex really should be the ones deciding on a personal level so does that move to the adult film industry too? Again...honestly not sure.  I think I lean more heavily towards safe sex.  I guess I kind of wonder if they worry about getting and STD.  I know I did as an escort and I played safe. But I still was nervous about it.

Anyway the reason I am writing about this is....I read a comment that made me laugh.... 

"Let's assume that we're filming an adult movie and it was taking place in the swashbuckler times. All of a sudden, Captain Jack slips on a condom. Obviously, that would basically destroy the movie, because it would be fake. Obviously, people would know that couldn't have happened then," Cambria said.

REALLY?  I mean REALLY?  Do we watch porn for reality? No, we watch because it is a fantasy and to feeds our fantasies. Is a pirate Captain Jack in porn trying to be like reality...really?  Sometimes I am amazed by the things people say. I totally get he is the attorney for the adult films so needing to come up with something to say in defense of not wearing them.  But not sure this comment helps his case. 

 The Colbert Report did a bit on it too.  It was funny. 

The Colbert Report
Get More: Colbert Report Full Episodes,Political Humor & Satire Blog,Video Archive

The statement that I have quoted above happens about the 3:30 mark, but the whole porn name thing is funny too. 

10 years

7 days after he collared me

We are celebrating 10 years together today. 10 years ago Master picked me up at the airport where we were hugging and kissing like high school kids. I flew into Denver so before we headed to his small town, we  stopped at a fetish store in the big city. When we got out of the car, he had me stand at  right there on the curb.  He reached in his pocket and took out a heavy hardware type chain and lock.  His fingers slipped it around my neck and locked it in place. No words were exchanged.  He lifted my chin to meet his eyes and the unspoken words claimed me as His property. There was no words asking me if I would be his slave. No words of asking for consent.  It was just a knowing of yes this is right for us and claiming me right there. 

I remember I did not touch at first because I knew if I did I would start crying and we were about to be going into a store. So of course I did not want tears in there. Later in the car Master told me to touch it and the tears started flowing in the realization of it - the meaning of it and that I was really owned by Him.  I had felt enslaved to him before that moment, but that moment made it real for me. No denying it.  

I am so thankful for 10 years of serving him and walking this path together. I adore serving him still 10 years later. It has been AMAZING! 

2013 is Amazing

* My life is amazing right now. I just feel overwhelmed with joy. It is easy for the pain to flood in and bring me down though. So trying to hang on to all the good things in my life. Remind myself that I have super fantastic support system in my life between friends, Master and professionals in my life such as my doctor and therapist.  Hanging on to the joy and working to get the pain more under control. Plus having an abundance of joy.

* I got new glasses....first time I have worn glasses in at least 15 years.  I joked with the eye doctor that even though Colorado doesn't seem to mind me not having a glasses while driving....I do. :)  I had been driving more and didn't like not being able to read signs ahead.

* I am obsessed with Downton Abbey right now. I have watched season 1 and  2 several times and just hang on every episode - captivated.  I got Master hooked on them too. I mean he isn't obsessed like I am, but really enjoys the series too.

* I took on job via Master's business that he had a conflict with and I didn't want it to go to another company so I offered to do it. So it is my project, but it has been an experience as I am doing things out of my box of comfort.  It has been a good for me though. I had an appointment with the group this week and it went really well.  So made me feel more confident in how I am doing in the project. Still scary, but I know in the long run it is good for me to be doing this.

* 2013 has been artful and creative for me. I am reading a book about poetry (something I have never tried my hand at before) and I am having fun playing with words. Besides the poetry, I have many other fulfilling creative ideas and projects taking up my time. I can't imagine not having them going on now and want to explore them further. I hope to really push my creativity and art in 2013.

* My parents came for a visit at the beginning of January for several days. I have never seen my Dad so relaxed. He is retired now and it is agreeing with him. My Mom retired right before they left on this trip so she is still having some issues on the thought of not working again. My father and I have always had issues relating to each other. I long to be accepted for me by Dad.  That will never happen, but there is that little piece of me that always holds out hope. Anyway it is easy for me to take things very personally with my Dad so this time while he was here, I used Byron Katie's The Work and it helped me not take things personally so that I didn't create negative issues playing on repeat in my head. Which of course created a much more relaxed visit instead of being so stressed with everything.

* Really this is a pretty vanilla life update, but even though all this good vanilla stuff is going on in my life...my foundation with Master is really good too as Owner/property - Master/slave. Next week we will celebrate 10 years together on this journey and I was discussing with my therapist my relationship with Master - which she knows nothing about the M/s but does know about the poly. She was commenting on how solid Master and I are. She also finds it interesting because I am very insecure in myself often and other relationships like with my parents, but with Master,  I am so secure in our relationship. I know that we can get through any challenge that comes our way and I don't feel threatened or insecure about the poly or the time he puts into the business.  She just feels we have have a very strong healthy and secure relationship   I agree even with the parts she is missing...the M/s. I feel extremely blessed to be Master's slave and walk this path with him and have fantastic relationship.

Shades of Kink

The season premiere of Our America airs tonight on OWN.  It is exploring real life 50 Shades of Grey.  I saw a status message from OWN about it.

Lisa Ling says she went in with a judgmental hat on and had it changed. It does seem like she is strictly coming to this from a kinky point of view. The play and not those who live it day to day more like they going into a scene and playing and then stepping back to a vanilla life.  Which is fine if that is someone wants to do it, but it is just one aspect of the BDSM umbrella.

From the status message: "No one judges in the world of BDSM, meaning there is nothing for which you could express desire that would make people balk. There is a kind of openness that I frankly, found very refreshing. Unlike the outside world where most of us have difficulty expressing things that excite us or are curious about, this is a world where one can be honest about just about anything. Openness and trust are key tenets of BDSM; things that one can’t always find in the outside world. "

It is nice that she got that view from the BDSM and for the most part I believe it to be true, but one look on FetLife groups and you can see their are very differing positions on how to live the lifestyle. It sounds like Lisa Ling came away with a positive look at the BDSM community which is nice since most don't seem to come away with such good outlook.

This video is the first 5 minutes of the episode....

30 Days - Day 15

Day 15: Post a BDSM/kink activity you’re curious about and would like to try.

Well I have had this tried on me, but would like to try again - fisting.  I hasn't been successful by 2 people who have tried it on me.  It is one activity that I am curious about feeling it. I have done it on someone and it was so intense just doing it on someone, but I have never felt it done to me.

Not sure I can think of anything else at the moment that I am curious about. There are many activities that I have done and would like to do again, but really not sure there is anything new at the moment that I am curious about and would like to try. I enjoy the activities we do currently they are some of my favorite things....slapping, breath play, being held down and hurt. All yummy things for me. 


The previous 30 Days of Kink entries.

30 Days - Day 14

Day 14: How would you say real life BDSM/kink varies from fantasy BDSM/kink?  If you haven’t experienced real life BDSM/kink how do you think it might differ?

Well first I want to say IT DOES differ. I know it is nice to think that being online or being long distance is the same as serving face to face. But being owned and serving online or from far away is so different then serving day to day. It is more intense and gratifying as well as more mundane - and all can happen at the same time. 

When I served Master from Ohio, our emotions ran higher because all we had was that to focus on. I think that is often why people say that serving online is more or the same, but really if you are just having a heightened aspect that isn't the same as feeling a range of emotions face to face with all the the other elements factored into it. 

Words is just one thing that is different to me.  When I are standing in front of Master how I say something will be different then when I was states away sitting behind a computer screen or on a phone.  My wording actually became better when I was face to face, because if I didn't state something right while standing facing Master - well a slap across the face wasn't uncommon early in our relationship.  When I was online, well I could say anything really - although I didn't - but he couldn't slap me on the face. Yes, he could say good-bye or walk away, but the looking him in the eye and saying anything is just completely different feeling.  

Just having the intimacy of being near each other is so different.  Intimacy in not just sexual, but those casual looks as we walk through a store or the touch at the back of my neck. It all impacts those emotions and impacts our interaction all day long. 

 The previous 30 Days of Kink entries.

Hiding the Toys

I am cleaning house right now.  I have been reorganizing and purging things as I go...I started in the fall during my regular fall cleaning, but with some other priorities and my pain getting in the way I wasn't able to complete it. So I started it again now. I will go through Christmas things when I take them down to see what things were left in the boxes that I didn't put up, what things we weren't thrilled with that were up (thinking of 2 things in particular), and donate those too. I got rid of some Christmas stuff last year too and that really actually felt good this year when I was putting things out. It was more simple and that was nice.

But the main reason I am into a big cleaning thing right now though is my parents are going to visiting shortly after the new year.  My Mom is the type of Mom that can't sit still so if she sees something that needs to be cleaned she will clean it. She doesn't really white glove things, but I do know it goes through her head that she wonders why something isn't as clean as she would have it - I saw her do this at my sister's home. So I am kind of being obsessed about getting things in order so she won't have anything to do here. My Mom also is the type that she isn't really snoopy, but she likes to look at how people have things decorated and likes to just look around. She won't be opening drawers or anything, but walking into our bedroom just because she wants to see how it looks - since she hasn't been here in a while - isn't beyond her.

before parent proofing

In October, we got a new bed.  I  know she will want to see it.  Because we have described how tall our bed is now so she will be curious which means she will go into the bedroom - so today I am parent proofing the bedroom.

We have a hat rack with floggers, whips, crops and canes hanging off it. Now robes and coats are covering them all. Master has an armoire that has his clothing on one half and the other half is full of baskets and bins of kinky toys. I labeled all the bins and baskets this year so they have tags that say rope, restraints, chain, spanking implements and so on. When the doors are open, you can see all the little tags clearly. It will be closed, but just in case it is open or she does happen to open it, I am feeling the need to have some things moved/covered a little more. I  reorganized within the armoire to have clothing stacked in front of the baskets and bins so you can't see the labels and it is dark enough at the back of the armoire that you can't make out what is in the baskets.  

I have books and sex toys all around the room that will have to be put on lower less noticeable shelves or in drawers. For Christmas I got an 9 inch vibro realistic cock from Eden Fantasys and it is sitting on a dresser. Very pretty and very big - so unmissable (can't wait to play with it!).

before parent proofing

All this though is bothering me slightly because....I am an adult.  I have been adult for a long time now - as I am 45.  So my question within is why bother because this is who I am.....but at the same time I don't want to make my parents uncomfortable and if you walk into the bedroom although most of the things are not obvious - if you look long enough you will see it.  Especially all the sex toys. I have the njoy pure plug sitting on its box on a shelf just below eye level. The violet ripple glass butt plug, the Dukes (ben wall balls) and several books such as the Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage and the Beauty series are all out. We have fetish coffee table type picture books on a night stand.  So if you are standing in the room for more then just a moment or two you will start to notice these things. 

So is it a so what if they see or is it cover it up because they are your parents and out of respect for them....keep it hidden?  Do you hide things from family and friends - even if they know or just with those that don't know?  Or just keep it out and let the questions come out - if they dare to ask?  

Right now I am in the stage of cover it up - I don't want to make them uncomfortable. But as I said it is bothering me slightly that I can't just be me.

Bah Humbug

 Well I am feeling a little bah humbug this year. I just haven't gotten into it.  Usually the the house is all decorated by now and I am full on making gifts and baking. But the only things done right now are the tree is up and have almost got all the holiday cards done.

I actually did enjoy doing the letter as it was more info graphic type look to it instead of a straight letter of what we did in 2012. But really that is the only holiday thing I have done so for and usually I am more together and on it.

Last year we were rushed so I didn't get to do the usual Christmas stuff so I really should be enjoying the time I have this year doing it, but I am not.  It might be that I am just kind of tired though too....just feel like all of our autumn since we had a trip in September has made me behind and tired. I keep trying to catch up, but don't feel I ever really get there.

On top of that last week Master had the flu - and it was his birthday. So I just was very busy taking care of him. He really was sick and it worried me a lot, but he is finally starting to feel a little better.  We have to go out of town the end of this week for work so I am hoping he is feeling up to it.

Meeting Family

I got a question from a comment a while back on how we were going to introduce teacup to Master's family when we were going to a family event last month.  

I lived within a poly family in Ohio. Now I lived with a man, a several female. My family never asked me about it, but they knew I was the man. They just never asked about everyone else. They just "assumed" they were roommates.  But I did always think they kind of wondered what was going on as it didn't quite make sense. My family just tends to deal with me as being on the outside and a free-spirit that doesn't do normal things. So they tend to not think about what is really going on. 

When teacup started visiting us, we told family about a friend visiting. They are now getting used to hearing her name every time we visit each other. We aren't really coming out to them, just trying to get them used to knowing she is here and part of our family. We have come out to two family members though about her, one on my side and one on Master's. So Master's sister knew who she was to us and and welcomed her. Master's sister is excited that we have found someone to be a part of our family.

I will say that I do think Master's Dad might ask eventually about her and what is going on. I am not sure that it will happen just a hunch.  We have discussed some options if that happens and one is just saying she is a part of our family. I am not sure how much will be asked, but the truth is she is a part of our family.

For now though Master's parents really like teacup and were happy to meet her.