Freedom in Fear

Not a blogger entry but a journal entry from July 6th, 2002....

My skin is prickly right now. I like this feeling but hate it if it goes on too long. I feel the need for a release. A release that masturbating isn't really giving me. I have masturbated 3 times in the last 12 hours.

The thoughts that go through my head at times I want to shake away and pretend they aren't there. They are not mine. I don't get turned on by them but as I write this right now I feel the wetness between my thighs. I am turned on...but do I really want them if they tear through my brain? And the common feeling...theme with them...is fear. It all comes down to fear. So maybe it is not the things I want to do but the fear....it is the fear I crave. They are the dark secrets that keep playing over and over. I feel that need come to the surface flesh and I fight it...and feel the fight against it and the craving of it all so an energy prickles across my skin. I feel I am drowning in it...or I want to drown in the fear.

I have experienced most of the fear that plays through my mind but it always get turned up. More, deeper, further...into the fear. I wonder if I keep experiencing these things...that I won't fear them. That they will become muted and not turn me on?

When I lay here and think of the fear....it gives me freedom. It is a release from pretending....I don't need to pretend anymore. I can just go into it and scream, fight, let my mind just drown in it. It is a freedom for me. And it is freedom I wish I could experience to the depths that I desire.