Kaya made a post about a thread on FetLife and being devastated when you disappoint your Master. I get that moment of feeling upset that I disappointed him. But I am not devastated. Mostly I am really pissed and disappointed in myself. I beat up on myself for not keeping on top of things. And then I try to move on and just try to do better next time.
When he tells me he is upset with me on something I don't understand at all...then I get frustrated or annoyed. In the end it doesn't matter what I feel though - just as long as I obey. (Not that it doesn't matter what I feel but obeying is always first.)
Not to long ago he got mad at me for not just going and getting him what he asked for right away. I had stopped to ask for clarification as there are 2 of the thing he asked for so I was asking which one he wanted. And he got mad. But internally I was saying it is a reasonable question...but externally I just nodded and said, "yes Master" and went and fetched him what he asked for. I was thankful I was able to keep my mouth shut as it was one of those moments I know if I would have said anything more he would have been more pissed.
So in those type of situations when he says he is disappointed, I mostly say "I am sorry Master" and move on but internally I don't "get it" and it is harder to accept - I just think okay this is what he wants so I will do it. Usually later I will bring it up to him when he isn't pissed. And often he hasn't changed his mind. He still wishes I would have just went and grabbed one - he didn't care which one. And as he says that internally of course I am going would it have been so hard to say "either one." And I would have been quickly on my way to get it. But in the end it doesn't matter - he did what he wanted and expressed what he wanted - and my job is to obey. I disappointed him and like kaya mentioned in her post, can't go back in time to fix it, but next time I know I will just go get whatever it is he wanted. And that one time I bring him the item and he says he wanted the other. I will just go and get the other. Because it is his rules and he can change them as he goes. And he often does. It is my job to obey him.
PS: We are going out town and I have had several people email me the last week - and so just letting you know I won't be getting back to you until next week.
This was an awesome post. I must admit that I have stalked your blog for years, and have found many posts that have spoke to me. For whatever reason, I have not commented until now. Of late, I have had quite the difficulty with this very situation. I stop to ask for clarification, and He gets irritated. I have discovered the exact same thing that you have shared here. Do what you are told and make a mental note as to what He desires for a future similar situation. If He changes the rules, simply go and do it. Simple, but not always easy. Thank you for your writing. It often moves me.
ReplyDeleteAs I just mentioned above - on that comment for some reason I am not getting my comments by email anymore. It is rare I visit my own blog. :)
ReplyDeleteThank you for your kind words. I am happy to meet a stalker :) And I am glad you came out of lurking mode.
Simple is not easy at all. I just keep saying to myself as I go and get what he wanted - "his rules"
I am here to bend to him and his rules even if they change moment by moment (and even as frustrating as that can be).
I've been lurking on your blog as well as kaya's lately. ive clung to them because im so new to al of this yet so not. anyway, i sometimes do get devastated when i dissapoint my mister. i guess its because of the type of D/s relationship we have. i hope you dont mind that i follow you on blogger.
ReplyDeleteVixen, we are all different. When I was first with Master, if I disappointed him I would get pretty upset that I disappointed him. But now this long into our relationship - I know what he wants so if I disappoint him I beat up on myself because I know better.
ReplyDeleteBut as I said we are all different and if you are devastated then you are....and if that is okay with your Mister then it is okay.