Humiliation - Part 1 of 3

I have started and deleted probably about 20 posts on humiliation. I have owed a post to a group of people on LJ for months and months (since June just went and looked). It is the number one question I get asked to blog about also.

I really get turned on by humiliation. I like to feel that hitting my core and hurting me. It turns me on. Why...? I am not sure exactly. And I am not sure I want to know why always either. But it is the question I get the most often - why do I like humiliation?

It is a complex contradiction for me. Using this example....I was an escort who men paid money to be with - it was a big boost to self-image. They would pay money just to be with me. I felt sexy and very desired doing that. I know how Master feels about me and when others express their attraction, I believe it. It embarrasses me. But my point is I believe it...I know some find me desirable. I confident I know how to turn someone on. Again I did get paid to do that. :)

So I can say all that and mean it and believe it...

BUT...

On the other hand I know I am fat. I see the stretch marks and hear the things in my head that say... "you are not desirable. You are fat. You are not sexy - You are fat." I can even twist the escorting things around saying they wanted to see what it was like to be with a big girl...(although I know that isn't true for many of my repeat customers but I can still twist it.) And I can go on and on with the the negatives. And I believe those too.

I believe the good but at the core there are those other things whispered sometimes loudly. And so it is a complex contradiction that makes up me.

So why do I like to have those negatives used against me....

For one I think it is like the person who is saying them can honestly see me and still is here with me. He can admit those dark things said inside me and use it against me - but he isn't walking away because I am fat. It is like that person is seeing the core. We have the good the bad and the ugly and he see the ugly. The parts I don't show to anyone.

Next I am an emotional masochist. I like to suffer and although I like the physical sensation of suffering - I like it often combined with the emotional pain too. I like to be brought to tears and hear and believe the things being said. It is like it is being torn from inside me and pushed in my face to see. It allows me to take those things I think and feel on the inside and see them almost differently or not really differently but out in the light instead of the dark. It lets me at times let go of the things being said. Makes them not so big or bad. Other times it doesn't though - they stay right where they are at - the same feelings and thoughts I have had for a long time and will keep on feeling and thinking them. And all the while I am crying and my feelings are hurt and the ugliness of the words are in my face....I am turned on. I so want to be pushed on my knees and suck his cock or pushed on to my knees and feel my body slamming into that mattress as I am fucked.

I am this way...I don't know if it has to do with my trauma's from my childhood or with Don (a relationship I was in when I was 18 that was heavy SM). I just know it turns me on. And there is a fine line but I am willing to walk it.

Splitting this into 3 posts - next post answering some questions and third post going into walking of fine line of humiliation.