2013 is Amazing

* My life is amazing right now. I just feel overwhelmed with joy. It is easy for the pain to flood in and bring me down though. So trying to hang on to all the good things in my life. Remind myself that I have super fantastic support system in my life between friends, Master and professionals in my life such as my doctor and therapist.  Hanging on to the joy and working to get the pain more under control. Plus having an abundance of joy.

* I got new glasses....first time I have worn glasses in at least 15 years.  I joked with the eye doctor that even though Colorado doesn't seem to mind me not having a glasses while driving....I do. :)  I had been driving more and didn't like not being able to read signs ahead.

* I am obsessed with Downton Abbey right now. I have watched season 1 and  2 several times and just hang on every episode - captivated.  I got Master hooked on them too. I mean he isn't obsessed like I am, but really enjoys the series too.

* I took on job via Master's business that he had a conflict with and I didn't want it to go to another company so I offered to do it. So it is my project, but it has been an experience as I am doing things out of my box of comfort.  It has been a good for me though. I had an appointment with the group this week and it went really well.  So made me feel more confident in how I am doing in the project. Still scary, but I know in the long run it is good for me to be doing this.

* 2013 has been artful and creative for me. I am reading a book about poetry (something I have never tried my hand at before) and I am having fun playing with words. Besides the poetry, I have many other fulfilling creative ideas and projects taking up my time. I can't imagine not having them going on now and want to explore them further. I hope to really push my creativity and art in 2013.

* My parents came for a visit at the beginning of January for several days. I have never seen my Dad so relaxed. He is retired now and it is agreeing with him. My Mom retired right before they left on this trip so she is still having some issues on the thought of not working again. My father and I have always had issues relating to each other. I long to be accepted for me by Dad.  That will never happen, but there is that little piece of me that always holds out hope. Anyway it is easy for me to take things very personally with my Dad so this time while he was here, I used Byron Katie's The Work and it helped me not take things personally so that I didn't create negative issues playing on repeat in my head. Which of course created a much more relaxed visit instead of being so stressed with everything.

* Really this is a pretty vanilla life update, but even though all this good vanilla stuff is going on in my life...my foundation with Master is really good too as Owner/property - Master/slave. Next week we will celebrate 10 years together on this journey and I was discussing with my therapist my relationship with Master - which she knows nothing about the M/s but does know about the poly. She was commenting on how solid Master and I are. She also finds it interesting because I am very insecure in myself often and other relationships like with my parents, but with Master,  I am so secure in our relationship. I know that we can get through any challenge that comes our way and I don't feel threatened or insecure about the poly or the time he puts into the business.  She just feels we have have a very strong healthy and secure relationship   I agree even with the parts she is missing...the M/s. I feel extremely blessed to be Master's slave and walk this path with him and have fantastic relationship.

Shades of Kink

The season premiere of Our America airs tonight on OWN.  It is exploring real life 50 Shades of Grey.  I saw a status message from OWN about it.

Lisa Ling says she went in with a judgmental hat on and had it changed. It does seem like she is strictly coming to this from a kinky point of view. The play and not those who live it day to day more like they going into a scene and playing and then stepping back to a vanilla life.  Which is fine if that is someone wants to do it, but it is just one aspect of the BDSM umbrella.

From the status message: "No one judges in the world of BDSM, meaning there is nothing for which you could express desire that would make people balk. There is a kind of openness that I frankly, found very refreshing. Unlike the outside world where most of us have difficulty expressing things that excite us or are curious about, this is a world where one can be honest about just about anything. Openness and trust are key tenets of BDSM; things that one can’t always find in the outside world. "

It is nice that she got that view from the BDSM and for the most part I believe it to be true, but one look on FetLife groups and you can see their are very differing positions on how to live the lifestyle. It sounds like Lisa Ling came away with a positive look at the BDSM community which is nice since most don't seem to come away with such good outlook.

This video is the first 5 minutes of the episode....

30 Days - Day 15

Day 15: Post a BDSM/kink activity you’re curious about and would like to try.

Well I have had this tried on me, but would like to try again - fisting.  I hasn't been successful by 2 people who have tried it on me.  It is one activity that I am curious about feeling it. I have done it on someone and it was so intense just doing it on someone, but I have never felt it done to me.

Not sure I can think of anything else at the moment that I am curious about. There are many activities that I have done and would like to do again, but really not sure there is anything new at the moment that I am curious about and would like to try. I enjoy the activities we do currently they are some of my favorite things....slapping, breath play, being held down and hurt. All yummy things for me. 


The previous 30 Days of Kink entries.

30 Days - Day 14

Day 14: How would you say real life BDSM/kink varies from fantasy BDSM/kink?  If you haven’t experienced real life BDSM/kink how do you think it might differ?

Well first I want to say IT DOES differ. I know it is nice to think that being online or being long distance is the same as serving face to face. But being owned and serving online or from far away is so different then serving day to day. It is more intense and gratifying as well as more mundane - and all can happen at the same time. 

When I served Master from Ohio, our emotions ran higher because all we had was that to focus on. I think that is often why people say that serving online is more or the same, but really if you are just having a heightened aspect that isn't the same as feeling a range of emotions face to face with all the the other elements factored into it. 

Words is just one thing that is different to me.  When I are standing in front of Master how I say something will be different then when I was states away sitting behind a computer screen or on a phone.  My wording actually became better when I was face to face, because if I didn't state something right while standing facing Master - well a slap across the face wasn't uncommon early in our relationship.  When I was online, well I could say anything really - although I didn't - but he couldn't slap me on the face. Yes, he could say good-bye or walk away, but the looking him in the eye and saying anything is just completely different feeling.  

Just having the intimacy of being near each other is so different.  Intimacy in not just sexual, but those casual looks as we walk through a store or the touch at the back of my neck. It all impacts those emotions and impacts our interaction all day long. 

 The previous 30 Days of Kink entries.

Hiding the Toys

I am cleaning house right now.  I have been reorganizing and purging things as I go...I started in the fall during my regular fall cleaning, but with some other priorities and my pain getting in the way I wasn't able to complete it. So I started it again now. I will go through Christmas things when I take them down to see what things were left in the boxes that I didn't put up, what things we weren't thrilled with that were up (thinking of 2 things in particular), and donate those too. I got rid of some Christmas stuff last year too and that really actually felt good this year when I was putting things out. It was more simple and that was nice.

But the main reason I am into a big cleaning thing right now though is my parents are going to visiting shortly after the new year.  My Mom is the type of Mom that can't sit still so if she sees something that needs to be cleaned she will clean it. She doesn't really white glove things, but I do know it goes through her head that she wonders why something isn't as clean as she would have it - I saw her do this at my sister's home. So I am kind of being obsessed about getting things in order so she won't have anything to do here. My Mom also is the type that she isn't really snoopy, but she likes to look at how people have things decorated and likes to just look around. She won't be opening drawers or anything, but walking into our bedroom just because she wants to see how it looks - since she hasn't been here in a while - isn't beyond her.

before parent proofing

In October, we got a new bed.  I  know she will want to see it.  Because we have described how tall our bed is now so she will be curious which means she will go into the bedroom - so today I am parent proofing the bedroom.

We have a hat rack with floggers, whips, crops and canes hanging off it. Now robes and coats are covering them all. Master has an armoire that has his clothing on one half and the other half is full of baskets and bins of kinky toys. I labeled all the bins and baskets this year so they have tags that say rope, restraints, chain, spanking implements and so on. When the doors are open, you can see all the little tags clearly. It will be closed, but just in case it is open or she does happen to open it, I am feeling the need to have some things moved/covered a little more. I  reorganized within the armoire to have clothing stacked in front of the baskets and bins so you can't see the labels and it is dark enough at the back of the armoire that you can't make out what is in the baskets.  

I have books and sex toys all around the room that will have to be put on lower less noticeable shelves or in drawers. For Christmas I got an 9 inch vibro realistic cock from Eden Fantasys and it is sitting on a dresser. Very pretty and very big - so unmissable (can't wait to play with it!).

before parent proofing

All this though is bothering me slightly because....I am an adult.  I have been adult for a long time now - as I am 45.  So my question within is why bother because this is who I am.....but at the same time I don't want to make my parents uncomfortable and if you walk into the bedroom although most of the things are not obvious - if you look long enough you will see it.  Especially all the sex toys. I have the njoy pure plug sitting on its box on a shelf just below eye level. The violet ripple glass butt plug, the Dukes (ben wall balls) and several books such as the Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage and the Beauty series are all out. We have fetish coffee table type picture books on a night stand.  So if you are standing in the room for more then just a moment or two you will start to notice these things. 

So is it a so what if they see or is it cover it up because they are your parents and out of respect for them....keep it hidden?  Do you hide things from family and friends - even if they know or just with those that don't know?  Or just keep it out and let the questions come out - if they dare to ask?  

Right now I am in the stage of cover it up - I don't want to make them uncomfortable. But as I said it is bothering me slightly that I can't just be me.

Bah Humbug

 Well I am feeling a little bah humbug this year. I just haven't gotten into it.  Usually the the house is all decorated by now and I am full on making gifts and baking. But the only things done right now are the tree is up and have almost got all the holiday cards done.

I actually did enjoy doing the letter as it was more info graphic type look to it instead of a straight letter of what we did in 2012. But really that is the only holiday thing I have done so for and usually I am more together and on it.

Last year we were rushed so I didn't get to do the usual Christmas stuff so I really should be enjoying the time I have this year doing it, but I am not.  It might be that I am just kind of tired though too....just feel like all of our autumn since we had a trip in September has made me behind and tired. I keep trying to catch up, but don't feel I ever really get there.

On top of that last week Master had the flu - and it was his birthday. So I just was very busy taking care of him. He really was sick and it worried me a lot, but he is finally starting to feel a little better.  We have to go out of town the end of this week for work so I am hoping he is feeling up to it.

Meeting Family

I got a question from a comment a while back on how we were going to introduce teacup to Master's family when we were going to a family event last month.  

I lived within a poly family in Ohio. Now I lived with a man, a several female. My family never asked me about it, but they knew I was the man. They just never asked about everyone else. They just "assumed" they were roommates.  But I did always think they kind of wondered what was going on as it didn't quite make sense. My family just tends to deal with me as being on the outside and a free-spirit that doesn't do normal things. So they tend to not think about what is really going on. 

When teacup started visiting us, we told family about a friend visiting. They are now getting used to hearing her name every time we visit each other. We aren't really coming out to them, just trying to get them used to knowing she is here and part of our family. We have come out to two family members though about her, one on my side and one on Master's. So Master's sister knew who she was to us and and welcomed her. Master's sister is excited that we have found someone to be a part of our family.

I will say that I do think Master's Dad might ask eventually about her and what is going on. I am not sure that it will happen just a hunch.  We have discussed some options if that happens and one is just saying she is a part of our family. I am not sure how much will be asked, but the truth is she is a part of our family.

For now though Master's parents really like teacup and were happy to meet her.  

Terms of Endearment

I am not a big terms of endearment person. I do use them with Master in vanilla settings as it is easier for me than using his name. His name is Michael which of course starts with the same letter as Master so when I start to say to say Michael in vanilla settings it usually turns to Master before I can think. So saying my beloved or love is easier than his first name often. I really have to concentrate to make sure I use something other than Master. I have only had it slip once before - well almost two times now. 

Master uses terms of endearment with me also. Some in the privacy of our home and some out and about when people can't hear what he is whispering. 
I know my view of kinky/dirty terms of endearment have changed over the years. When I was married, being called slut would have sent - well did send me into a tailspin. But know when Master calls me a slut, I just become a puddle as it turns me on.  Same with cunt, dirty whore, worthless whore, cow, pig and so on.   

There are some terms of endearment I am not fond and actually kind of annoy the crap out of me when I am called them.  They aren't even bad words - I mean someone being called a cunt can really get them up and arms but being called pet or little one might not. But for me being called pet or little one - annoy me. 

It goes back to really when I first started online and jumping into bdsm communities online as well as offline. I got called those 2 names quite a bit and it always made me feel like they person saying it was thinking this was a game not my way of life. It made me feel like I am going to call you pet and you are going to kneel demurely by my feet during this meeting and then I will go home and spank and fuck you and tomorrow we can go to work and act like nothing happened. 

Instead of living it - on and on - which is what I wanted and craved. But often the men that called me pet or little one weren't wanting it long term so I often just ended up feeling like these few hours of being called pet or little one were just a game.  I know it wasn't a game to them. It is just how they did things and that is perfectly fine. If you are someone that can just do this on weekends, or when the mood strikes - that is good for you. I just need to serve and be owned by Master 24/7.  

Since that time in my life the terms of endearment - pet and little one - make me cringe inside. The thing is Master likes pet as a term of endearment. He likes calling me pet and even almost 10 years in this relationship - I still have problems hearing it. I know logically it is Master who is saying this - the man I have served for almost 10 years - everyday all day long. But I still cringe. I wish I could reprogram myself to not wrinkle my nose at the word pet. It is something I continue to work on, but not sure I will ever get those images of those who have called me it before him.  But I keep trying to just let it go and not wrinkle my nose. 

So silly really - out of all the words that I get upset about it is the word pet. Pet. So silly. 

Holiday Cheer with Eden Fantasys

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No Right Way

“You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.” ~Friedrich Nietzsche

Just a little public service announcement:  

Dear beautiful reader, 

There is no right way to do this....just because you don't serve like me doesn't make you a failure and just because I don't serve like others doesn't make me a failure in doing it "right."  We all have our own way of doing this....make it your own and do what is best for you.  Don't try to emulate someone online. Just make it work for the relationship you are in....what feels good to you, what works best for you and that is your way. 

peace to you,
danae

30 Days - Day 13

Day 13: Explain as best you can what the appeal of kink/BDSM is to you?  Why are you drawn to what you’re drawn to?

The appeal of kink/BDSM is that it is just a part of me. I can look back in all my intimate relationships that I really enjoyed and felt good in - and they all had some kind of power dynamic going on or kinky aspects to them.  I am drawn to a certain kind of man that naturally seems to be draw out my submissive/service side. 

I enjoy service based relationships because I like pleasing - I am not a people pleaser now as much as I was when I was younger.   But I still enjoy pleasing Master and knowing I am enhancing his life by serving him.  He doesn't have to worry about clothes being wash or ironed, he doesn't have to worry about cleaning his toilet, he doesn't have to worry about many daily things so he can focus on other things that matter to him such as his business. 

I am not sure why I am drawn too it - I kind of stopped trying to figure it out a long time ago. I just am and it fulfills me so that is all that matters.  

previous answered questions

Peace

Okay so I have been bad...really bad this fall about posting. I was on such a good streak and now....I have fallen off into the abyss again.

Things have just been busy.....and I have been really tired by the end of the day so.....blog is one of those things I let go of fairly quickly when that happens unfortunately as I do like to write. I do write actually - I just don't always post.  Doesn't feel complete the thought I start when I write so I don't post it and always have good intentions of coming back and finishing them.

So somethings going on in bullet points...
* got a new bed...sleep is so much better!

* got a few other new pieces of furniture and so the house felt like we had just moved in there for a bit

* my pain - the sciatica well it is worse at the moment which is typical I guess for how we are treating it. See I have one leg longer then the other - by 1/2 inch so....throwing everything off. I have a temporary lift in my shoe that is small then a half inch because starting slowly. Well pushing things back is making me in more pain.  Such pain that my therapist was concerned too and my medical and mental health are all linked in through the same place so....she was wanting me to make another appointment. I have a follow up for the end of the month.

* therapy is going really well right now.  I really appreciate all the help my therapist has given me. I know I mentioned back at the beginning of the year - I changed therapist's and my new therapist I love! She is so great about everything. Even the poly.

* teacup is going to be arriving on Saturday. She will be meeting all of Master's family as we will be there for a family event through the weekend.

* We will head home to have Thanksgiving here.

* Going to see some friends after Thanksgiving - can't wait to see them as we haven't been able to get together with them since the beginning of summer.

*The other day when I was sitting waiting to go into my therapy appointment something happened with another patient and it bothered me a lot.  I barely made it back into my therapists office without starting to cry.  It just bothered me and hurt so....I told her about it and felt better as she understood what happened and I knew then she would handle it after there making sure the person was okay.  But it just really made me feel for the other person.  One of my favorite sayings is - "Be kind for everyone is fighting a battle."  I think it is so true. We never know people's stories or the battle they are fighting so it really bothers me when people are unkind and lack compassion towards others.

Two friends right now are in an argument that escalated so much that they ended the friendship. I can get we all have different views. I can get we all have a core belief that sometimes we can't see beyond and see it how others see it.  My parents go to a church that is doesn't believe in Gays/Lesbians. Their church believes marriage is between a woman and man and any other type of relationship is a sin.  They also voted for Romney and who is against Gays/Lesbians having equal rights.  My sister is a lesbian. I am bisexual, but not out to them. But my sister is out to them. And they are against her loving in my eyes. Now they would explain they are for her loving and getting married, they just don't "support" the church's view or Romney's but they support the church through donating money to it weekly. The supported Romney through voting for him. And that for me says - they don't want their daughter to fall in love and get married. It bothers me and it is hard for me to see beyond that. But...even though I don't understand it.....I don't stop loving my parent's.  I don't agree with them, but I don't disown them. What I can do is look at them and know we are all different. It is their choice - even if I don't get it  I  don't continue to harp on them, I don't  continue to argue - but look towards them with compassion and hope and pray they will see how supporting those against equality for everyone hurts so many amazing people in the world including my sister.

Words and actions can sometimes hurt people so deeply - we can't understand or see how it affects them.  Someone called me a murderer because I had an abortion - someone who is a friend. It was really hard for me to let the disagreement about it go and just continue the friendship, but I finally let it go and hope one day the compassion that this person shows towards so many others will shown towards me and know what that word does to me.

There are so many words and actions that to me speak so clearly for us and sometimes we don't realize at all what it means to others.  I am trying really hard to think before I speak and act - are my words kind? true and necessary? do my actions hurt people I care about? will this be kind towards them? help them?  So many things to consider, but helps me in the long run too feel better.

We all say and do things that can cut to the core of us, but hopefully we can see a broader picture of compassion and love.  Yeah I am a tree-hugging bleeding heart liberal if can't tell by these last paragraphs. Peace to everyone!

30 Days of Kink - Day 12

Day 12: Tell us about a humorous BDSM/kink experience you’ve had.  If you haven’t had one, talk about aspects of kink/BDSM you find funny.

I am not sure I really had humorous BDSM/kink experiences, but I have humorous sex experiences....

* In my sexual history I have....

fallen off the bed during sex....

broke the bed during sex...

broke the futon during sex...

broke a table I was bent over...

broke a chair we were having sex in....


* My ex-husband and I were having sex before we married. We lived in a big apartment complex...the window was open. I forgot and after I ended my long screaming orgasm....we heard clapping. He peeked out the window the building was an L shape and several neighbors on their balconies were clapping and cheering. I went out and took a bow (with a robe on). He was totally embarrassed, but I was like so what...we know they all have sex and so do we….it is normal…so it was not a big deal to me but was a big deal to him.


* In another relationship we were poly - our household had 2 males and 4 females at one point. Anyway, one male and I were doing SM play and having sex...it was a long session that ended with sex. Anyway, during it our air conditioner went out. One of the females called maintenance - and did not tell us. They came in and took a look, but said they would come back later. She told us later that he for sure heard me moaning because she could. So he comes back later when we were up - and out - the maintenance guys said "nice to SEE you." -- And had this silly grin on his face...like he was saying nice to SEE you instead of just HEAR you! I wanted to die and hide, but I just kind of nodded and walked away.


* In the same relationship, we had a big plastic tub in the Master bedroom...it had all our SM toys...rope, floggers, sex toys (vibes, butt plugs), nipple clamps, clothes pins, gags, collars, leashes, chain and... tons of other toys. We had someone over and played the night before. I had not gotten a chance to get in there and clean up yet. So there was chains and cuffs attached to the bed, a butt plug and vibrator (that had been cleaned sitting on the night stand), rope in a pile next to the bed, a gag and blindfold hanging off the headboard, locks and more chain lying in a pile next to the bed, floggers and clamps hanging out of the plastic tub. 

The man I was involved with - was hooked up to a breathing machine at night for sleep apnea - but they needed to test blood oxygen levels to see if they had it set up right so needed to bring in another machine. Well he forgot to tell me they were coming by that morning. So when the guy knocked at the door I was a little surprised. He said he needed to go into the bedroom to hook it up. I said, “umm well I need to go clean up” and told him I would be right back. He said, “oh no don't bother I have seen I am sure much worse”...and followed me into the bedroom. I saw him look around and then he cleared his throat and said – “so isn't all this rain terrible?” and proceeded to carry on a "normal" conversation. We talked about restaurants and food. 

After he got it hooked up -- I had to fill out some forms -- so we did that in the living room. He said to me “you seem really cool.” I was still I think in a constant state of red from blushing from him being around all our toys. I said, “thanks.” He said, “you are very open minded.” I nodded and said, “umm yes.” And that is all the further he took it, but I could see he wanted to ask more. He just didn't know how to open it up to talk more.  And I just left it alone.


* Another time, same relationship, I was having a migraine and so laying under a bunch of blankets on the bed with head covered. I did not hear anyone knocking at the door. Well maintenance would knock, but if there was no answer they just let themselves in. Well they did -- they did not "notice" someone on the bed. Oh by the way I was naked - so I just lay there really still when I realized they had come in. They were changing out filters in the furnace (which was in the room where I was lying down) and changing out fire alarm batteries. So, I lay there just so still. On my computer that was in the same room - I had a screen saver with all sorts of bondage and SM porn -It was one of those slideshow type deals going through all the porn. So the guy gets done changing filter, turns around and sees it. He said, “wow.” Then he called to the other guy who was changing out batteries in the fire alarms down the hall into the room with him to see the screen saver. They stood their watching it and commenting on all the women and what was being done. Then they noticed the nipple clamps on the desk, the butt plug, vibe, and rope in a basket on shelving unit next to the desk....and commented on that. They were talking about how the people living here must really be kinky. Then they wondered if any of the photos were of the people living in this apartment. Commenting on how the carpet kind of looked like carpet in the apartment. Then all of sudden -- I heard a whisper. See I think one of them realized I was in the bed…so they left quickly.

So those are some my humorous sex moments besides just the laughing Master and I sometimes get because we are so damn happy during or after sex/bdsm play. 

previous answered questions

Tools to help Depression

There is a poll on EdenFantasys.com Forums about Antidepressants and Libido. I have suffered from depression and anxiety all my life. Right now I am suffering with depression because of my chronic pain.

I am not currently on any antidepressants, but in the past I have been.  Prozac and Wellbutrin XL.  Prozac made me feel just numb - all my emotions felt numb and empty. As a result of not feeling...I really didn't care about sex either.  Wellbutrin did really well for me at first. The longer I was on it though the more I felt it numbed my feelings or didn't help me even my feelings out as fast as it did in the beginning.  But the one thing it didn't do it is effect my libido. I still was interested in sex and wanted sex the same.

I told my doctors right away when I was seeking pharma type help that I wanted a drug that wouldn't numb my feelings or decrease my libido. It is important to talk to your doctor, if these things happen and not to stop taking the drug even if you don't feel it is working because they do need special instruction usually and can cause horrible side effects if you just stop cold turkey taking them.  So please talk to your doctor if you want to stop taking them or feel you need to change meds. 

Even though I am in a depression cycle, I still want sex and enjoy sex.  It helps bring my mood up. But I know unfortunately that isn't the case for everyone.  I know that not everyone feels better having sex and I know not everyone feels sexual during depression.  So know yourself and find a set of tools to help you cope and get your sexual self back on track as well as your emotional/mental. 

Depression can make it so hard to do anything. Action is the key to getting past depression.  But just getting out of bed can be a challenge so sometimes I have to just make a pact with myself to do one thing. Starting small and focusing on one goal at a time.  Sharing a list of things that help me cope and move past my depression.  

Here are a few tips to help cope during depression:

1. Support - FIRST and foremost ...get help....reach out to friends, family and even get professional help especially if it has been going on long term.  Not only ask them for support but reach out to them to let them know you are thinking of them - caring about others helps not focus on the negative swirling around in my head.  Don't isolate yourself  - so make and create friendships even through online forums as well as in person. Being social and caring about others helps lift the mood so reach out to friends and family through email or phone, write a letter or card, make a gift, meet up for lunch. Having sex with your partner, maybe trying out a new sex toy - I remember I got my Hitachi MagicWand during a depression cycle and it was so much fun exploring/playing with it with Master. Touching can create a form of intimacy that helps feel connected to someone. Connection and intimacy help cope with depression.  Engage in SM - being spanked or flogged always releases endorphin that help my pain and my mood, but again know yourself - because I know it can at times do the opposite too for some. 

2. Nurture - Nurture and pamper yourself.  Enjoy a cup of tea, read a good book, take a long hot bath or shower, sit in the sun,  watch clouds go by, meditate, buy yourself some flowers, daydream, get a massage using an aromatherapy massage oil  because smell can uplift mood just as much as touch, masturbate, or give yourself a facial or pedicure

3. Play - Have some fun and play with abandon.  Color in a coloring book, play with playdough, sing/listen to music,  go swing on a swingset, play in a sandbox, play with a pet, blow bubbles, or read a childeren's book

4. Create & Engage the Brain - Expressing yourself through creativity and engaging your brain helps in recovering from depression. So draw, paint, do a craft, create a new recipe, visit a museum, go to a play or musical, doodle, do a crossword puzzle, learn a new skill or interest, journal, knit/crochet, sew, garden, organize something - a filing cabinet, a drawer, a closet, plan something - a party, your garden, a cleaning list, a menu,

5. Move - Moving helps elevate mood, but don't get overwhelmed by scheduling or doing too much. Just even take one thing and do it to help move forward.  Take a walk, mow the lawn, do a household chore, workout with an exercise video or at the gym, do yoga,  have sex - try a new position or play with some sex toys to not only get moving but engage your brain by exploring new areas, rearrange a room, cook a new dish or bake something for someone, take a bike ride, take a drive, go explore a new area, swim or take part in a sport, walk the mall, or weed the garden

Find what works for you - and make a list of tools to help cope with your depression. 

Moments of Beautiful Fall Colors

The lack of posts in September were because we were gone out of town a little over 2 weeks.  Plus a week of getting ready and then we came home it was straight into work.

I really like road trips with Master. Although we didn't get a lot of alone time outside of the car - we at least had that time.  When we get in a car, we talk and talk. At home sometimes Master is too busy to have some deep, intense conversations, but in the car on a long road trip allows for him to just get away from business and let his mind go free....so we have these amazing conversations. We also took lots of back roads and saw so many beautiful places with amazing fall colors even that early. It was really nice.

We had a really good trip though because we were able to see family and friends. After business and such we traveled on to see my sister and her family....seeing especially my niece. She is going to be 2 soon and is acting like she is 2. She threw temper tantrums as well as being sweet and adorable.  My parents came down from their home to see us too. That was nice, but also kind of tense as my Dad's politics is getting on my nerves.  He posts political stuff on FB that make my blood boil and I usually try to counter what my Dad posts. As I don't usually say anything to him directly about politics as he is my Dad, but I also don't want the stuff he posts to be hanging out there so I post usually the counter of it.  So anyway....with my parents coming down to see us...I had to remind Master and myself that we couldn't talk politics. It was a little tense with my Dad, but we still had a nice time with everyone. And I got a lot of quality time with my niece.

I outed myself on the poly and teacup to my sister. I knew I had told her about having multiple partners when I was with Kam, but with Master she I know assumed we were monogamous  She asked some good questions - she first asked if were like Sister Wives.  I laughed and said no, but I am sure now people think of poly as that.  But really it went well.  She was fine with it and as always I think she will just chalk it up to - "it is my sister and expected that she lives an unconventional life." Because my family kind of views me as a free spirit.

After seeing my family, we had more work stuff to do.  It was really nice though to see the people we were working with as we hadn't seen them in quite a long time. I also got a different view of one of them that I didn't really understand until staying with there. We had a great hostess and I also saw the pain she does through still because of the event we all went through.  I really gained some respect and caring for her on a different level. I was thankful to have been able to help them.

From there we met up with teacup and it was great to be able to see her.  She gave me a coloring book and crayons! I always love to color! It was such a sweet gift - that I am so thankful to have someone in my life who remembers those kind of things about me.  Thank you teacup for the Princess coloring book and crayons!

So by the time we got to see teacup on our trip - we had almost been gone 2 weeks so I was pretty exhausted from having to be on around my family and friends. Plus I got my period (the 2nd that month) that was hitting me really hard.  So I wasn't in a great mood even though I was thrilled to see teacup. I had been wishing I could give her and Master more quality alone time as we all shared a hotel room so not like I had a place really to go when I was feeling so miserable because of my period.  But we made do and I got to see her and Master play and that is always fun to see! Yay me for getting to be a voyouer!

It is always hard to leave each other, but we look forward to November when she will be here for Thanksgiving! I can't wait to have her here for such a special holiday.

On our way home from our trip Master and I stayed at an amazing hotel in smaller town in Nebraska. Out of all the places we stayed it was the most beautiful and roomy...just packed with lush amenities.  We were both wishing we weren't so tired and staying one more night so we could have really enjoyed it.  It was really gorgeous room with a really good price too for such a plushy room.

What else is going on....

I have lost 20 pounds. Unfortunately my reasons for losing that weight is mostly due to pain making me not very hungry.  I am still struggling with my sciatica, but I have an appointment at the end of the month that I really am crossing my fingers will show us the reason I have been having problems....which is one leg is longer then the other.  But if that is the reason then there are solutions I think that we can work with to help get me back on track and feeling better.

Another good thing....I have been having nightmares 4 to 6  nights a week and my therapist found a drug to help block them. I have taken it only 2 nights, but I haven't had any so far and look forward to see it continue to work as sleep has been amazing for my mood/depression.

We have been really busy...it feels like we are really running around quite a lot and we are...as things are busy. Busy is good. But we are very tired and so that means I have been going to bed much much earlier then I ever have and trying to get more sleep. The last 2 nights, I have for sure and very thankful.

Overall I hope to be able to get back into the blogging swing of things.....just trying to catch up and breath a little first.