30 Days of Kink - Day 24

Day 24: What qualities do you look for in a partner?

I am sure I am missing some, but I think these are the biggies. 

Compatibility - in BDSM and kinky things as well as vanilla and everyday qualities such as did we enjoy some of the same hobbies, political beliefs, long term goals, views on religion and so on.  

Self-awareness - someone being self-aware is a good quality to me as it just seems to go smoother in a relationship because a person who is self-aware knows what they want and who they are and are steady and not so drama filled or chaotic with feelings/thoughts.

Chemistry- just everyday chemistry as well as sexual too.  Such as being able to laugh at the same thing, get each others jokes. 

 Honesty -  Being in relationships that haven't been honest,  it was one of the things that was really important to me.  

Sense of Humor -  I like a man that can make me laugh. Master has a great sense of humor. We laugh a lot in our relationship so thankful for that.  

Communication - having open communication and just knowing how to communicate is important to me.  I know some people can get very passive/aggressive in their communication styles and that just doesn't really work well for me so I wanted someone that wanted clear open discussion and communication and thankful Master places communication high on his list of qualities he sought too.

 M/s - O/p beliefs - since this is the kind of dynamic I sought out - I wanted to have someone who had similar beliefs as O/p is the foundation for our relationship
 

The previous 30 Days of Kink entries.

Service when Sick

I  would like to say I feel my warranty on my body went out in the last few years so Master has seen a drop in my service significantly. I have chronic migraines and have since I was 12 years old so he has seen those since the day I became his. But a few years ago I started having a lot of pain shooting down my back and leg. I have 2 vertebra pinching a nerve, degenerative disc disorder and have arthritis starting too. I also have chronic depression that ranges from mild to severe.

When I was first with Master, I totally felt guilty and apologized all the time. I pushed myself more than I should have at times too. But I do think it does more harm for my mental and emotional well being to get in the mode of thinking - feeling guilty. It keeps me there longer. It brings me down. Also if I push myself to do more, then physically I can stay in pain longer because I pushed myself.

So now I think I try to focus on what I did do - even if it is one thing. A day that I can do some laundry and dishes when my body is full of pain and/or my head is pounding then I am thankful for those things. Thankful I was able to serve him even in that way. Again even if it was just one thing - maybe making dinner is it and I am thankful for that.

I sometimes see the frustration in him that things aren't how he wants.  But at the same time he wants me to take care of me the best way I can. But it is hard not to feel guilty when I do know he is missing things I do for him.  It makes me feel like I am not good enough so then I feel guilty and apologize.  Though in recent years I do get myself out of that line of thinking faster and give myself a kick in the pants and remember to serve in any way I can in that moment...even if it means resting and healing myself.  He would rather have me take care of me and get better faster than prolong it.

30 Days of Kink - Day 23

Day 23: Since you first developed an interest in kink, have your interests/perspectives changed?  How so?

Yes, of course.  When I was first exploring, I had quite a few things I thought I would never ever do or enjoy - such as golden showers. Never thought I would like them and never thought they would feel as they did - so thankful I took that leap of faith and submitted to doing it.  I never thought I would be into hoods and now I love them! Damn they turn me on. Really slipping a hood on pretty much sends me into a floaty space instantly. Thankful Master introduced me to them and that I enjoy them so much as they are one of his favorite kinks.

I think that early on in the exploring BDSM - I bought into a lot of the bdsm slogans and topics that came up.  Such as I was a firm believer in safe words early on, but now believe often good old fashioned communication is better.   I have been in situations where safewords and safe calls didn't protect me from someone that wanted to cross my boundaries. 

I have actually a couple essays out there that I don't totally agree with such as who is about.  I wrote that once long ago because it annoyed me that a dominant I knew often said it at times that really didn't call for it.  My end all in my relationship  though - it is about Master always. My first and last thoughts are always of Master and what he wants and desires. So that phrase works for this, but as I know I kind of go into in the essay - if it is only about one person always - that relationship won't last. Because if I wasn't happy and/or wasn't getting needs met, I wouldn't be here.  So it does need to be about both people. But I get that phrase different because of Master. 

Collars is another essay I wrote that I don't actually believe in many things in it. Like I don't believe in a collar of protection or a collar of consideration.  I feel sometimes again we complicate things and use those kind of titles or use it to hide behind it.  I think collar of protection often takes personal responsibility away from the submissive and that I don't like or get that.  I think sometimes we need to stand up and be responsible before we can surrender fully.    

In both of those essays, I notice I use the word power exchange in them. I don't even believe in those words anymore as I don't feel with Master I am exchanging power. I am surrendering to this will.  I don't have the power in this relationship, so how can I exchange power.

I know there are probably dozens of topics that my views have changed about over the years.  We are  human - we grow, change and evolve.  I am glad to see some things have changed over the years. It would be a fairly boring life I live if I didn't have things that changed.
 

The previous 30 Days of Kink entries.

Venturing out into the BDSM Community

I miss my Ohio BDSM community. It was made up of several amazing groups with diverse group of people and kinks. It wasn't always a perfect match for me, but really it can't be - it has to be about being around like-minded people and welcoming everyone.  I think the 2 groups I was mainly involved with always did a really good job of being inclusive to everyone.  From those groups, I formed an amazing circle of friends that I miss FIERCELY.  

The Ohio BDSM community recently went through some changes and that always kind of causes issues and growing pains.  Over the years I have seen just about every group/community go through changes and growing pains.  We as people change and evolve so why wouldn't a community grow and evolve too. 

In thinking about the Ohio groups, I had some very fond memories come up. I was talking to Master last night about my very first time I ventured out into the community.  I was a slave in a poly household. But at that moment I was the only one living with my Owner.  It was a very brief time of being alone with him and being alone without lots of people in and out of the house. So frankly - I got lonely and found someone bondage.com - a very nice woman who was submissive. She told me about Ohio SMART and that they had a submissive group that met once a month. So for my first venture into the community I went to a submissive meeting.

It was an interesting experience. I am so glad I did it. But it was a little odd for me at first. I was the only submissive in the group that identified as slave and lived it 24/7.

As a slave, I sometimes have different protocols then other submissives and bottoms around me. Such as that first meeting, they had a dominant coming to give a spanking demo. No where in the description of the evening did it say anything about that, when the leader contacted me when I RSVP'd never mentioned it - the description and her email only talked about about submissive women getting together to discuss BDSM topics.  So, I had no idea a male dominant was going to be there.  When it was announced he would be there soon, I said that I would need to leave and everyone asked why and so I told them. I said that I didn't know a male dominant would be there and didn't inform my Master. Really at first they had a hard time understanding it because they hadn't been around anyone in a Master/slave dynamic.  A girl there offered me her cell phone to call my Master (in the day and age where cell phones were just coming out) and ask  - so I did.  He allowed me to stay just not participate.  

It was interesting that after that meeting, they only had a few more with dominant's come to demo and always told me before hand. They had never given it thought before that it might go against what some relationship protocols and thankfully took that into account after meeting me.

My first time speaking was because of being involved with Ohio SMART. I am a HORRIBLE public speaker. Honestly horrible! But I remember that fondly as one woman came up to me after. She looked straight into my eyes and said, "I get it. I get you."  We were fast friends and I have so many amazing memories that include her. 

It is my hope that one day, because our local community growing, I will have many fond memories with friend made through it.  I know I am already really having some good ones.  Very thankful for the growing community and friends made through it!

Intro

Recently I have had to do introduction several times as Master and I have been venturing out in our local BDSM community as it is growing.

So thought I would share a little longer version of it here too...

I am danae. I am in a Master/slave relationship and have been owned by Master for 10 years. I am wired for service and obedience. I am bisexual, masochistic, sexually submissive and poly. I have been kinky since the first time I became sexually active at 16. The first boy I had sex with we played with spanking and him tying me up and then eventually had sex with while tied up. From there each of my intimate relationships had some kind of D/s dynamic and kink in them, but not the words for what we were doing.

When I was 27 and married, I explored online for some information on anal sex, but happened upon a bulletin board on AOL for submissive women.  I read many threads and felt my head nodding along with many things said.  I then told my husband about it and BDSM. I explained that many things we did in our relationship resembled BDSM in and out of the bedroom.  As soon as I named it though - things went downhill.  He developed guilt for beating me - spanking, slapping, grabbing or anything we did before all of sudden became very sinful and wrong to him.

My husband and I had problems before I named this dynamic that we developed in our years of being married. Eventually those problems, some issues I had, and the problems of him feeling like I was a freak for being submissive became too big to ignore, so I left.

I moved to Ohio from Kansas in with a poly household and became a slave to the Master of the household. My time in the household was hard, but a learning experience. I was active in the Ohio BDSM community and out to almost everyone there. It was very hard moving here - to a smaller town without much of a community, but it was so worth it to serve Master. 

Master and I met through a mutual friend. She gave him my name as she thought we might be well matched. He contacted me and pretty much from that first email - I was falling.  So thankful to our friend for realizing we would be a good match.  It has been an amazing journey, I have taken with him.

I am a long time blogger - blogging about my life and thoughts/beliefs of the lifestyle. I also have a group on FetLife devoted to Domestic Servitude and a blog that goes with it.

A Day in the Life of a Slave

I wrote a piece like this years ago, but I really think it needs to be updated and addressed again.

One day recently....
* made breakfast
* got our meds/vitamins and such
* refilled our daily medicine container
* Master took a shower so I laid out clothes for him
* got things out for dinner and prepped them
* threw a load of clothes in the washer
* worked on a project for Master's business
* took a shower
* made lunch
* switched out laundry
* wiped down the bathroom sink, counter and toilet
* unloaded and loaded the dishwasher
* put the last load of wash in the dryer or hung to dry
* created a to-do list for errands we were running - made sure I had everything on my grocery lists and did a final check of pantry and fridge to make sure anything else I needed to add
* gathered up our packages, grocery sacks and other items needed to run errands
* ran a couple errands with Master - including going to bank, post office and 2 different grocery stores
* put groceries away
* made dinner
* cleaned up dinner dishes, loaded dishwasher and ran it, swept kitchen, wiped counters and stove top down
* finished up a project for Master 
* had some me time - did some art journaling for a couple hours
* unloaded the dishwasher before bed at 1am

I know I am forgetting things - like him asking me to get him a water or snack, picking up clothes on the floor, looking for a bill we needed to do while we were out doing errands.  Just lots of things go on in the day. All these things are normal every day things people do throughout the day.  

A friend asked recently "What makes your life different than your neighbor?" I believe mostly it is his expectations of me and my intention behind everything. When I first became his, he made sure that he told me how he wanted things. I worked to bend to those desires. So now my thoughts are of him all day - what I need to do for Master and how can I enhance his life.

I mean really if it was just me in this house and doing these things - some of them would have been put off until the next day.  But I unloaded the dishwasher at 1AM as I know Master likes a clean sink and there were a few dirty bowls in the sinks so unloaded it and loaded it before bed. I also knew there would be a busy morning the next day so I didn't want those to sit there until the next afternoon as that was the soonest I would have been able to get to them when doing other higher priority things.  Sometimes - it does sit there as I just can't get to everything at times.  

As you will see in this account of a day - there was no BDSM and no sex.  We don't have sex everyday. We don't have kinky play everyday. You don't really even see the control in that account of a day - although there is control there. It is established control where I know what is expected of me and I do it. Meaning you don't see on that schedule every time I  go the bathroom throughout the day  - I have to ask permission. Or that I wait at mealtime until he gives me the go-ahead to eat. Or that I set his clothes out in a certain way because that is what he expects.  Or that I rinse the dishes off almost as though they were washed - before putting in the dishwasher as he prefers that. 

Our lives look very vanilla from the outside, but with the expectations he has, the control he has and my intention behind everything I do - my day is filled with M/s as the foundation. It is there while I unload the dishwasher at 1am.  It is there while I am having me-time - doing art because I know he is allowing it and he can stop it at any moment for me. I know it is there when I do all the household chores throughout the day.  It is just so a part of our lives that it very subtle to the outside viewer.

30 Days of Kink - Day 22

Day 22: What do you think is important in keeping a BDSM relationship healthy?  How does it differ from a vanilla relationship?

Really I don't think there is much difference between BDSM relationships and vanilla in keeping a healthy relationship. Each takes compatibility, communication and just working to keep it going. All those things apply to BDSM as well as vanilla. Master and I have compatibility in our O/p and M/s beliefs and have that as our foundation. As well as being compatible in countless other areas - non-bdsm things as well as bdsm. Vanilla relationship would have different things they are compatible, but as humans we are all different so we each have different areas that we are compatible.  

I do think often we put too much emphasis on how we are different from vanilla relationships when I think basics in relationships are just a part of all relationships.

The previous 30 Days of Kink entries.

Submission is a Gift?

This is one of those debates that has happened from I am sure the dawn of the BDSM community.  So I am not sure many will be surprised as I have written about it before, but Submission is NOT a gift to me. 

I often feel we wrap things in neat little slogans and one liners to help people deal with us. Such as if we say to a vanilla person - "we only submit to those worthy of my gift" - that maybe it will make them not look at us like we aren't freaks. Or maybe we do it to not scare the new people entering the community....like "okay you need to understand your submission is a gift and you give it to only those d-type worthy."  I really don't think saying it is helping anyone. 

"Submission is a gift"  also seems that it is a very romanticized version of D/s. Just like with the new person...saying that "my d-type is worthy of my gift and he cherishes me and I kneel at his feet with adoration" is very nice idea for some. But you know what I get from bdsm isn't coming from kneeling or Master treating me like a precious gift.  I would prefer he knock me down and wipe his feet on me thank you very much - that is my idea of romance.  So submission as a gift doesn't really work for me.

Some reasons why I don't believe submission is a gift:

* As with most things - I start with a dictionary. I enjoy what actual definitions of words can do to perspective. So the word "gift" means: a thing given willingly to someone without payment, something acquired without compensation and a natural ability or talent. I don't expect payment or compensation from Master when I submit, but reality is I get things from submitting to Master. I feel more centered - more myself and more aligned with who I am when I submit so I am getting a compensation of submission.  So by that definition submission isn't a gift as I get something in return. Also I often think why I read that definition it means Master gets this gift and he does nothing, but receive it. As a gift means you aren't getting compensation so with nothing to do in return so he can just sit there and receive the gift, right? But again reality is that he isn't just sitting there receiving. He is controlling. He is my ultimate authority and obviously he does things that compel me to submit. He has done things to enslave me also. So again submission isn't a gift. 


* I have heard that submission is the best gift you can give a dominant.  But again my reality dictates that isn't the best gift. I don't think submitting is a gift - it is a quality you have and out of all the qualities that go into my M/s relationship - I am still not sure submitting is the top of the list. Surrender might be up there.  Obedience. Dedication. Determination and enthusiasm. How about the many varied skills I can offer in service to help enhance Master's life. Trust, honesty, openness and loyalty are pretty good qualities to have also.  I have much more than submission to offer to a relationship. 


* In terms of slavery -- gift implies choice to me and I don't have a choice. I submit because I am owned. 


* I think calling it the gift of submission makes it seem more important than what the dominant does in the relationship. And of course that isn't true. A relationship takes all parties being involved in it to make it work. 


* Flowers are a gift. Chocolates are a gift. There are many wonderful gifts out there. Giving flowers and chocolates means seeing the person smile and feeling good about it. It is a pretty package. Submission isn't always fun or pretty. It isn't always something I enjoy. It is something that is a part of my relationship and overall fulfills me, but sometimes it isn't fun or pretty. 


* Again a gift to me implies giving something that is in a pretty package and I struggle. I don't always do it willingly or freely - I do it because it is my duty as his slave. I am human and I struggle with submission at times so not much of a gift when giving it with that associated with it.  

* If submission is a gift and you have limits and want to negotiate than is that a gift with strings?  So really doesn't fit the definition of gift.  Also when a gift is given, the receiver of said gift owns the gift then and can do what they want with it.  Because giving a gift means giving ownership of that to another person completely. My Aunt gave me an sweater that doesn't fit and I gave it to goodwill. It was my right as she gave me that gift - I now own it and can do with it what I like. I can appreciate that she gave me a gift and like it that she was kind and thoughtful without "cherishing the sweater."  So to me giving a gift of submission can imply that the person you are giving it to now owns it and really not everyone wants to be in an O/p type relationship.


* I have also heard the gift is really trust and love so that you can submit to the "one."  Many many years ago I had a friend that was owned and lived several hours away from me. I didn't really know her Owner well, but just the bits and pieces I had heard about him through her and various other people in their local community. And although she was always talking very respectfully of him - I wasn't impressed with what I heard of him. In order to visit her though, he asked me to be in service to his house while staying with him. He wanted me to submit to him while staying in house and visiting her. Well I didn't know him that well - so trust had not been built. I didn't love him. In fact I was feeling a little annoyed towards him, but I wanted to see my friend so I told him I would submit. And I did.  So my point is you don't always need trust and love to submit. I did find that time of submitting to him very fulfilling for me, but I didn't need trust or love or tell him my submission was a gift.  I felt compelled to submit and did. 

* I enjoy submitting and why can't we just admit that and use common sense in who we submit too. I guess I just feel sometimes that phrase submission is a gift allows the person using as a way to get out of personal responsibility  So they can blame the dominant for things not going right....."well he didn't cherish my gift" or "he didn't deserve my gift." Instead of saying "hey I fucked up and didn't really think about if I was compatible with this person."  It just seems like a way to get out of taking responsibility for our own lives. We are submissive doesn't mean we can't make rational decisions and be clear on what we want and need in a relationship.  

I don't need submission to be a gift. I need to be clear in who I am and find the person that matches those qualities.  And I am lucky to say I did in Master. 

Different not Deeper

 The lifestyle isn't a continuum with bottom being a starting point and  slave being the end point. We are each different and we all have labels that we use to describe who we are and what type of relationship we are in -  top, bottom, dominant, submissive, daddy, little girl, Sir, pet, kinky, Master, slave and so on and so forth.  An endless supply of labels to apply to ourselves -  each different.

Often in the lifestyle I hear that BDSM relationships are deeper than vanilla relationships. But really I don't believe they are....I don't believe my relationship is deeper than a D/s relationship just because I am M/s. I don't believe we kinky folk are deeper than those in vanilla relationships. What we are - is different.  M/s is different from D/s.  BDSM is different from vanilla. Master and I might do things different than a couple who is D/s because we are M/s, but doesn't mean we are deeper.

Our relationships are deep because of what we put into them.  A relationship can grow into a deep and meaningful one by being compatibility, creating connection, communicating, and knowing oneself -  and none those things have nothing to do with D/s or M/s.

19 Years

Today we met some like-minded people for coffee and we were asked how long we have been in the lifestyle. When the words of how long I have been in the lifestyle came out, honestly I felt old. I have been in the lifestyle a long time now. I  remember when it was 7 years coming out of my mouth in Ohio and it sounded so long. But now....wow I have been enjoying kink since I was 16. I have had elements of kink and D/s in all my intimate relationships since then, but didn't really have a name for it until 1994. In 1994, I found words for what it was and became more active in BDSM. Now it is 2013 so that means I have been doing this for 19 years.  I said 20 today because I was thinking I was 25 or 26 years old, but  I came home and started looking through old journals to figure it out and I was actually 27 years old. 

So in this time, I have spoken at a variety of meetings, groups and events about being a slave.  I have been published by Power Exchange Books.  I have been expressing my thoughts on this blog since 2000. I lived in a large poly household as a slave for several years.  And last, but not least I have been owned by Master for 10 years. Looking at all that....I am not sure how it makes me feel, but I do know I  feel I am always growing and learning even though I have been doing this a long time.  

Many things have changed over the years. But life is about learning and growing to me so I am thankful that I am still here and still thinking, writing, and discussing. Setting goals and moving towards them. Exploring and discovering new ways and new perspectives. I think is it amazing to have had the opportunity to do so much, see so much, experience so much and still keep seeing and learning. I hope that part of me never dies. 

Slave Inferior?

I am Master's slave and property. This means we don't have an equal relationship. It means we aren't peers. We are Master and slave - Owner and property.  It does mean I am subordinate to him - in a lower rank in our hierarchical relationship.  

Does that mean I am inferior?  I can answer this logically and say no but sometimes emotionally things get skewed for me where I am not sure I could answer that no. I believe Master is smarter and stronger than I.  It doesn't mean I can't be strong. It doesn't mean I don't have knowledge that he has found useful because I am a capable adult woman with a variety of skills that he loves to utilize.  

I will say Master does utilize humiliation and degradation as a way to make me feel inferior.  Not as way to show me my place. But more as it just rocks our socks off.  It is a fetish and it turns us on so we stomp around in those areas.  I love what it does to my head and body.  I am not really enjoying it while it is going on - mentally and emotionally - I fight against it. But physically while it goes on - I am SOAKING wet. I am so turned on - my skin is one big raw nerve.  After it is done and we are basking in the glow of having an amazing fuck fest then that glow spreads to mentally and emotionally. I love that I walk over those coals with him and just end up accepting it.  Often for days to weeks after, I will replay it over and over and over just to get off again. 

Really many things that happen in our relationship, I believe many would think Master treats me as inferior. Maybe he does, but it is my normal view of our relationship so maybe I am just skewed in what is inferior. I like our relationship and how it works and flows that really is all that matters. 

Sick and Horny

You know what sucks is being totally sick with a cold and being incredibly horny and knowing I wouldn't last if I even tried.  Add in that I don't want to get Master sick, but damn I have been having wicked thoughts and my cunt has been dripping.

Sex Dreams of True Life

The other night on the phone with teacup, Master mentioned something about his ass...honestly I am not sure what the conversation was, but probably something very benign like his ass was dragging because he was tired.  We had this conversation right before bed....so I had a dream about something that happened one of the times teacup visited.

We put in bad porn. I mean it - it was bad - we didn't know it was going to be bad, as we hadn't ever watched it. So put in the porn and then Master was lying over the liberator. Teacup and I were touching and kissing him all over. Our attention was focused solely on him.  One thing I did was lick his ass. I had done it before, but it had been a long time since the last time.  It was a lot of fun and he enjoyed it.  So I dreamed about licking his ass and sucking his cock. Always the makings for good dreams!

Mentor or Not

I feel I am always growing, learning and changing even though I have been involved with BDSM since I was 16 and I am now 45. I would rather just be there for people seeking mentors to answer questions, discuss topics and build friendships than be a mentor. But I am always open to answering questions, being there for anyone that needs some guidance and friendship.

I don't always feel mentorships fulfill the purpose of the what being a mentor actually means (look at dictionary definition of being a mentor). Most of the time I see mentorships as being a d-type taking on an s-type and then it ending up about sex and play which is not what being a mentor actually means. To me there is a difference between trying to guide and teach someone verses someone exploring their desires. 

When I wanted to feel the spider whip (a single tail with lots of tails instead of one). I went to the person who was known to be good at it and asked if he would use it on me. If I had a question about what it means to be a submissive - I went to submissive groups, I read, I asked like-minded people and friends and then decided on my own what it means for ME.

Really I am not sure I believe in mentorships, but instead just growing and learning from friends, talking with like minded people, participating in online forums, reading websites and books about the lifestyle. Gain lots of different perspectives and then find your own beliefs and things you are curious to explore. And then go out and explore that with common sense and two feet on the ground.

30 Days of Kink - Day 21

Day 21: Favorite BDSM related book (fiction or non-fiction)

Marketplace series by Laura Antoniou - this is hands down my favorite BDSM fiction.  My favorite in the series is The Reunion.  

This is a quote from it - it is in regards to Robin discussing her life in service to Chris Parker on the plane to Ireland....

"It was everything you said, everything you wrote, about the balance between owner and owned, the sense of knowing your place in the world and the strength that comes from that. Oh, I guess there were some days when I hated the workload, or I was just exhausted - but I never hated my life."

I looked at my books tag on my blog because I know I have talked about books enough here that I would have some info about BDSM fiction and non-fiction I have read. 

Here is a BDSM Book Meme that has books I read in bold, books I loved underlined.

I contributed an essay to a Power Exchange book.

Book reviews of The Academy and The Reunion by Laura Antoniou. 

Quotes from The Academy.

My Laura Antoniou fan-girl story.

Some small book reviews on some BDSM books.

Just to add some of my favorite (non-bdsm) books have helped me in service too...such as Home Comforts by Cheryl Mendelson or Memoirs of a Geisha by Arthur Golden. 

The previous 30 Days of Kink entries.