4 Years!

Today is the 4-year anniversary of my blogger. It seems so strange at times that it has been 4 years. It feels like it has been much longer as it seems just so much a part of my world now. I know that when I don’t have time to write, I don’t feel as centered or focused. It is a place that allows me to express myself and gain self-awareness. It helps me be true to myself.

The other night Master was looking at His imood history, so I went to look at mine too. It tells you each mood you have chosen how many times you have chosen it and then the dates you selected each mood. So I would look up a “mood” and then go look back in my blogger to see what I wrote about to correspond with that mood. Sometimes it was very obvious and other times I could not figure out why I chose that mood, as it did not always seem to match my entry. I went through mood several moods – amazed, excited, ducky, angry, betrayed, cherished and so on. There were some emotions that I knew what I had written about before I looked them up….such as betrayed. I had it listed two times and knew exactly why I had that listed for those dates. Happy and empowered were a few more that I knew without looking up. It was almost like reliving some of the emotions all over again….good and bad. But with my 4-year anniversary of blogging here, I guess it was an appropriate time to going back and reading through my archives.

So while reading my archives, I would cringe, laugh, smile, well up with tears, and get annoyed or happy. Some entries I wish I would have never posted, some I wished that I had never gone through to cause the entry. Some I wanted to delete right that very moment, because it embarrassed me that I said the things I did or put myself in the situations I did. But I won’t delete them because it is not being true. It would be denying that part of my life.

And one of the reasons I started this blogger was to be true to myself. Knowing that everyone out on the world wide web could read it…knowing those I know personally would be reading it….knowing close friends would read it…helped me be true and real.

So, there it all is…4 years of blogging…the good, the bad and the ugly. 4 years of sharing and learning. 4 years of learning who I am and being real….with it…

From The Velveteen Rabbit:
"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you..."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful.

"When you are Real, you don't mind being hurt...It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."