Click for Me Please

Sleepy Time....

Okay so I was mistaken....I am not going to get to post today/tonight on the Ask Me ANYTHING questions -- I really wanted to but of course the day got away from and I am exhausted. Master's parents no doubt will be here early tomorrow and so I will have to entertain them most of the day. And at the moment I am feeling crabby and tired - I know I will put on a happy face but at the moment I am wishing I could just sleep all day tomorrow. Plus on top of it - yet my period is about to hit. But I am sure all will turn out.

I was about to do this whole thing on masturbation but I realized it would require too much of a back story and I just don't have the energy.

So that will have to be for another time....

Good night!

Been Cleaning

written 7/26:
I just realized I haven't done a phone post in a while. I might have to do that soon. But tonight I am actually too tired...to speak. I think I am even too tired to type but I wanted to at least get a quickie in before I head to bed. Was there something wrong with that phrase "get a quickie in BEFORE I head to bed?"

The last 2 days have been really long. Yesterday I was up early and I was going going all day. But I did get a break in the day by having a wonderful conversation with my sweet friend. Then again today I was up early as I needed to go by my doctor's office to fill out some forms. And then to the pharmacy to pick up prescriptions. Master and I climbed into bed at 9:40 last night...I am not kidding you. We did talk until almost 10:30 but then we were both out after that. Master is in bed right now and after this entry I am going to head there too.

Master's parents are going to be here on Friday and after having the house in such unorganized state really since we moved my computer into my studio I just feel out of whack because things really have been unorganized due to just no space. So I have felt the need to white glove clean/spring clean in the middle of the summer and with Master's parents coming that made it even a better excuse as I hate for there to be anything out of place when they are here. I also just realized looking at my desk I am going to need to parent proof my studio as I am sure they will want to come in here since they haven't see it since we moved the computer in here.

Anyway...deep cleaning means that every cupboard, every shelf, every drawer gets emptied and things get wiped down, put back, donated or thrown out. Yes, I am an obsessive cleaning freak. But really until we got things in storage less then 2 weeks ago - I have felt totally out of whack and so this is how I align myself again - by really doing a deep cleaning and having everything neat, clean and organized. Of course it probably should have waited until I had more time but really this I work well under pressure. Odd as that sounds but I am sure Master would agree. He has seen me in action 2 days before a deadline.

So yesterday I started the deep cleaning somewhat - and did lots of laundry. And today I really kicked ass. And then tonight I ironed as I washed Project Runway.

Tomorrow I still have quite a bit to do - I haven't touched my studio yet. And Master's office just needs it's regular cleaning. Studio probably won't get a deep clean as really when we swapped things around I did that but I do have a huge stack of stuff in my studio to either find homes in here or elsewhere. And my desk is in need of serious organization.

Master's party is Saturday night. I think we are both really looking forward to it. Because it has changed places - I get to dress differently. And I get to dress a little more sexy and in a dress that Master picked out for me. I also get to wear my sparkly sandals! I will be all girly girl! Which reminds me I need to make sure to dig out those sandals* and also my black shawl or kind of see through black shrug to wear with the dress. Yay for Colorado passing a no smoking law in restaurants/bars because otherwise I might not have been able to stay at the party very long as I get migraines from smoke plus I have asthma and smoke really bothers that too. Okay so in thinking about what I am going to wear it made me think I should try to fix Master's leather necklace. So putting that on the to-do list so I can fix that before the party.

Okay enough babbling about this kind of stuff. I know boring entry...I hope to be able to get out 1 or 2 more questions from the Ask me ANYTHING post tomorrow/tomorrow night. The next question was asked by someone who wants to see me blush 10 shades of red and I have a feeling I know who that person is even though she filled out anonymously. She is just evil that way!

Well I better to get to bed as I am sure it will be an early morning again for me.

Positive Monday

5 Positive Things in my life...
1. Master and I playing with our new phones that have intercom features on them
2. Not having to run and sometimes trip to the other room to answer the phone...I now have one in the studio now
3. Sweet and Salty Chex Mix when I am pmsing
4. Journaling helps me sort out my thoughts
5. Good friends that always support and accept me

take 2 for....Going 24/7

Early I posted an emotional filled entry about going 24/7 literally. And although I stated some very valid fears in it - I did make them bigger then they needed to be. This morning while cleaning I would burst into tears and so I thought if I just got it out it would stop banging around in my head so loud. (and it did by the way.) And then later I could look at without the tears and after I accomplished some of the things I needed to and examine it more rationally. I just wrote it without thinking logically. I did post in the moment of the feelings the fears so much that they came out much bigger then they are in reality.

Master doesn't expect me to be "super slave" - and he actually tells me I usually do above and beyond what he expects or desires. So obviously I am much harder on myself then he. I got an email from a very dear friend that reminded me Master is not an unreasonable man and I know that but of course all I could see this morning was the fear. I know Master doesn't expect me to be ON all the time. And he is very giving of the time he allows me for down time and just "me stuff" already and I am sure that won't change.

Master and I haven't had time to talk about it yet. But he does know what I posted. So I am sure we will discuss that soon.

Going 24/7...

This entry might be a little raw....I don't have time to reread it and see if it even makes sense.

Master has been counting down the days....he has 6 working days (final day probably will just be packing up his office - so only a partial day). Things have really gotten screwed up with the party. I actually feel like I am more upset about it then Master is so I guess I should just let it go.

And of course in these last 2 final weeks I feel like all the things I have been avoiding thinking about are right upfront. To top it off...I incredibly busy this week so really don't need all these extra thoughts rolling around and then also I am pmsing so I am taking things very personally and overly sensitive about everything.

Everyone always asks us if we are scared....about opening our own business. A month ago even 2 months ago I was excited - 6 months ago I was scared - this week I am scared again. I am excited too.

One of the things that I have been avoiding thinking about it spending 24 hours a day with Master. I love Master dearly. I love being his slave. And I love when we do have all day together. But usually it is only 2 or 3 days at time. That is going to change come August 1 though.

I am a service oriented slave. When Master is home, I am always thinking about what's next - what needs to be done for him, what does he need, and know that if I am in the middle of painting or doing something I enjoy - and he needs me to do something I drop it - and am there. During the work week I am doing my housework, cooking and other things in service to him but I know he is at work and I don't have to be as proactive in worrying about what he needs because he isn't here. And if he needs me to do something for him while he is at work he will call. It is a nice balance going from the weekends of that never ending what's next thoughts to just doing my chores and other things in service to him without having to think so much. It makes it feel like I don't have to ALWAYS be on.

Come August 1 though he will be here 24 hours a day 7 days a week. And so although I have been in service to him before August 1 - the dynamic will change once he is here 24/7. I won't have personal time. I won't have that time where I can just do my chores kind of mindlessly. I won't have that time to turn things off for a bit and relax. And I am worry about that. I am worry if that means I am not a good slave for not being able to be on 24/7. I am worrying that I will fail him more. I am worry that I will fight more now that he is here 24/7. I am worrying about all these little things that I went through when I was first here so I shouldn't be going through them again.

Question 3 - to the ask me ANYTHING post

Here on blogspot - question 2 is skipped because question 2 was more of a livejournal question.

Was your Master the first man you committed to outside of escorting? How did that come about? I mean, you meeting Him and then leaving that business?

Okay I don't think I understand this questions - so to the person who asked it - if I am not going the right direction on this question - please feel free to leave me another screened comment in that Ask me ANYTHING post.

I think that first question you are asking: Was Master the first man I committed to after escorting and that answer is no. I was involved in a Daddy/little girl relationship when I first started escorting and had 2 girlfriends. I then while escorting ended up having a couple play partners, another girlfriend and also was involved in 2 D/s relationships - and all of them knew I was an escort. One of the D/s relationships I was in - the dominant didn't like that I was an escort - and he felt I must have low self esteem and that is why I was an escort. (rolling my eyes as I think that I even was involved with him.) I also owned an escort agency at the same time - not sure I ever have talked about that much - so while I was involved with that dominant I didn't take as many personal clients and just ran the agency.

After I met Master he didn't have a problem with me working while I was in Ohio but he was very explicit that once I was with him here I would not do it. And there are lots of reasons for that - but the main one is his job.

I do miss it at times though. And I have happily masturbated since then to some of the "dates" with my favorite clients.

I am always curious to hear how other people decide what party (if any) they identify themselves with. It seems your Master is also very strong in His political beliefs. Was He an influence on you, in yours? Or have you always identified the way you do?

I know I vote democratic mostly. But how I vote really comes down to really looking at the candidates and seeing if their beliefs align with my own. Such as in the 2004 elections - I researched Bush and Kerry. I mean I can't stand Bush in the first place but I really looked at what he said and how he acted and decided he was the worse of the 2 evils and so I voted for Kerry. (You can go here to see my post right before we voted on why I didn't vote for Bush).

Master has VERY strong in political beliefs. One of his majors in college was political science so I would say politics is a passion for him. He doesn't want to see our freedoms taken away. And so he is very vocal about his political opinions.

He is not really an influence on my beliefs. Before we got together that was one thing I wanted to make sure I was with someone who has similar political beliefs because in the past that has not been that case and it has made for some very uncomfortable and irritating situations! Though I do need to say Master and I don't agree on everything in politics but most things we do. Because Master is so vocal in his beliefs though it does make me more politically aware then I have been in the past.

Gratitude Friday on Saturday Morning - Plus a FYI

1. Grateful for the intelligent well thought out email exchange I had with someone on communication and its okay that we are different. (not sure if she would want to be named so not naming her)
2. Grateful for my girlie, nuala....she let me cry and vent the other day.
3. Grateful for kaylee - she helped me gain perspective and clarity.
4. Grateful for finally getting some good solid coding done this week.
5. Grateful for having such a good Master who took care of me during my migraine from hell.


and 6. I am grateful to everyone who leaves comments and sends emails.

I haven't been able to reply to every comment lately. You all are leaving such wonderful comments and I do want to get to them all but there just never seems to be enough time.

Which leads me to...this week I have received a couple comments/emails saying you didn't answer my email/comment. And it is never my intention to leave anyone hanging! So I just want to ask everyone....if I haven't responded to your email/comment - after a week of it hanging out there - please please please email me or comment again asking me to. I also found out this week hotmail and yahoo don't like each other a lot so - if you email and don't hear back from that might be one reason.

Question 1 - to the ask me ANYTHING post

As a child, what did you imagine your life would be like when you grew up?

I don't think I had one idea of it. I know as a small child I used to create these stories of living in big household with more then one wife (not sure where I got that idea at as it was never mentioned in our household). As a child I knew I wanted to do something creative...architecture, interior design, fashion design, dancing, writing, painting....anything in the arts.

As a teenage girl I often day dreamed of being in NYC and being an artist. I never thought of being married and having kids. It was always me alone - which is odd since I went from a child having fantasies of a big household with several wives and kids to being totally alone. I also dreamed of serving as a teenager. It was kind of Story of O type of feeling to it. Where during the week or for a few weeks I would be doing my art - having art showings and such and then weekends or holidays I would be whisked away to be a servant and sex slave. I don't recall reading Story of O though until I was married so not sure where I got that thought from! But it was always nice to masturbate to as a teenager!

What are some of the dreams/goals you hope to accomplish in your life?

I don't create solid goals really. Like I want to save x amount of money before I am 40. Or I want to have such and such accomplished before fall. My goals/dreams are more organic. I know there are things I want to accomplish but I let them kind of find their way on there own. Or some goals are a lot of internal work - that just kind of simmer on the back burner for a while and all of sudden months go past and I realize that I accomplished it even though it wasn't an active thought of I will spend 2 times a week on this goal.

I have always been this way. I often find if I set a goal with an end date I sabotage myself so it is better for me to let it be organic. The only goals that are less like that are the ones that Master wants me to do - those at times have end dates and of course I try hard to always meet that goal and date on time.

Slavery/Service - I always want to keep pushing myself in my slavery and service to Master too. I always think I can be better at it. I realized just recently that last September (after the Servant's Retreat) I made some slavery/service goals that I never verbalized outloud for fear of self-sabotage - anyway when I was thinking about them recently - I realized I accomplished all of them - not always easily but I did accomplish them. And now I am going to start working on phase 2 of them.

Spiritually - This is a goal have on going that I never seem to create enough time. I feel often I am still trying to search on what my beliefs are....because I pull from lots of different places. And so I would like to make those beliefs more solid. I also want to be able to combine this one and the above slavery/service one more often then I do. I combine it a lot as I used meditation as a part of rituals to center myself and focus on getting through hard situations in my slavery. But it still isn't to where I would like it to be.

Art - One goal/dream is to keep pursuing my art. I don't ever want to let it be dropped or pushed to the side again. I want to keep myself on top of it. One active goal is of selling my art.

Family - In the last year I have missed my family more then I ever have. I guess I find myself wanting to create lasting memories and spend more quality time with them. So it is goal that I have on going.

Hobbies - I really want to learn to do several new things - knitting is one of them! And I don't have a goal really in mind but I do dream about it often!

Health - This is another area I always seem to fall short on. I do have long term goals of losing weight - exercising (blahhhh) and being more healthy over all. I love food. I love to cook and bake. And to top that all off...I am an emotional eater. So it is a hard area for me. And so again one goal is to be more healthy.

Migraines is something I am always working on too. And I just recently was chatting to a friend whose mate is a doctor. She feels her partner can help me with some natural remedies for my migraines. So that would be great! Plus she is a gyno so the link between my migraines and menstrual cycle might be something she would have insight on. I am hoping. *crossing fingers*

Ask me ANYTHING

Since blogger doesn't have the ablility to screen comments....I made this post over on Livejournal...

Okay lately through several emails, comments and such I have found out a lot of people want to know more about me.

So, please feel free to ask me ANYTHING. All the comments are set so people can post anonymously and they are screened so no one else will see them. I even turned off ip logging. I will then answer each question in their own new post but not revealing who asked.

You can comment here or there. As I said over on livejournal they are screened so no one will see what you are asking if you don't want to be anonymous and I also turned off ip logging and everything over there so I have no idea who is asking the question if you do ask anonymously.

Comic...

Parents with kids that blog will find this cute...

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/nq/2006/nq060717.gif

My answers to Using Honorifics questions

Also I added a few more questions into my post on livejournal so those answers are here too...

I asked a bunch of questions on using honorifics and so now it is my turn to answer them.

For submissives...
Do you mind when someone other then yourself uses a title such as Sir, Master, Mistress or Ma`am with the one that collared to/owned by/submitted to? Are some of those honorifics okay and others bother? If so which ones and why?

This is a hard question for me because I flip flop on it depending on my mood. Master, likes Sir, as an honorific. He likes Master too and Daddy but at times Sir can mean more to him because he doesn't hear it as often as Master and Daddy (since he hears those everyday with me). So, I get mixed feelings when someone calls him Sir because I know it can mean more to him that Master or Daddy.

But for me....Master and Daddy mean more. I know how hard it was for me to say the word Master again and what that meant. And Daddy wow....even harder to say then Master. So Master and Daddy me mean A LOT more then the title Sir. I think I would have problems if someone used Master or Daddy when they aren't Master's property or Daddy's little girl. Sir has meaning for me too but not the same as Master or Daddy.


Do you mind when a dominant uses a "pet" name with you...such as pet, littleone, girl?

I think it would really depend on the person. But a total stranger....calling me pet, little one, subbie, bitch, slut, slave, girl or any other "pet" name drives me batty. By someone I know...it might not be as bad but it really depends on my relationship with them and the "pet" name they use. Pet and littleone in general bother me even from Master but I do of course accept if he calls me them. And he has and I am sure he will again. I like being called my name actually....after years of being in relationships where I was called pet, little one, slave, toy, whore, slut..whatever "pet" name and *never* my name so when my name - actual given name is used, it gets my attention a lot more then anything else. And I love when Master says my name but girl and slave are my favorite pet names from him.

For dominants....
Do you mind when someone uses a title who is not owned by/submitted to/collared to you? Would you prefer to be asked before having someone using a title with you?

After discussing with Master, he likes Sir. He wouldn't find it appropriate though for someone that he didn't own to call him Master and he wouldn't find it appropriate for someone to call him Daddy that wasn't his little girl. And Michael is always fine with him. He never expects someone to use a title.

Do you mind when another dominant calls your submissive a "pet" name?

For the most part he likes just watching me get all worked up when someone calls me "pet" names. But he also would find it odd someone knowing I am his to call me slave or other pet names without asking him if he minded.

Using Honorifcs....?

This is not the same old questions of if a submissive should or shouldn't use an honorific...

But I do have some questions about them...

For submissives...
(by the way - I know it really doesn't matter to some of you because whatever your Sir/Ma`am wants you to do you will but really I am just asking for your feelings and opinions not necessarily the rule you use)

Do you mind when someone other then yourself uses a title such as Sir, Master, Mistress or Ma`am with the one that collared to/owned by/submitted to? Are some of those honorifics okay and others bother? If so which ones and why?

For dominants....

Do you mind when someone uses a title who is not owned by/submitted to/collared to you? Would you prefer to be asked before having someone using a title with you?

And this one also...I have not really seen it for males being called female specific titles but I have seen it lots for females using/being called by male specific titles...Such as a woman being called Master, Sir, Daddy.

So...wondering for the female dominants do you mind being called male specific titles? I have someone that I always call Ma`am but Sir I think has come out a few times with her and if I haven't actually said it...it felt natural to call her Sir in those instances. And so I wondered if she would mind or if others would mind being called by gender specific title that isn't their biological gender. (By the way it just never dawned me to ask her until I was thinking about these questions today.)

Good Advice

I posted a few days ago about how it is hard for me to accept compliments from Master and a very kind Sir left me a comment that I felt gave me another perspective that I needed so I asked permission to post it in my journal...

Sean-Michael said: "I so understand this, and I see it in my 3. But I will pass on to you what I tell them, even tho I'm sure your Master tells you the same thing. The greatest service to me when I give something is to accept it in the way it was given. If it was given as a sign of love, bask in that love and don't just accept it graceously but lovingly. If it was given as a fun loving silly moment, step beyond graceous acceptance to fun loving sillyness etc."

Positive Monday

5 Positive Things in my life...
1. A fantastic, sexy Master
2. Good Friends and good conversations!
3. Master only has 10 days left of work!
4. Diet Coke...I know silly but I really need my diet coke today!
5. Having the abundance of love in my life

Thank you!

I just want to thank annissa for adoring Master and I! She is going to be doing a weekly review of sites, blogs and such that she likes and keeps going to over and over again.

annissa and I have known each other since the late 90's (can't remember at the moment if it was 98 or 99). She is one of the reason I started a blog. She has remained a constant inspiration and supportive friend over the years. I am truly blessed to have gotten to know her. So thank you dear friend for saying such wonderful things about the website and our blogs. We both appreciate it so much!

And if anyone hasn't read her blog before YOU NEED to check her out! She writes about her life...capturing the essence of her family, being poly, SM, domestic life - just her thoughts and feelings of her beautiful life.

If you are on livejournal...she has one there that mirrors her website.

Fun things on my To Do List!

Just taking a moment to make you all envious....

I am making my to do list for this week and there are some really wonderful tasks. I know you will all be jealous of these two though....I get to clean out the grungy trash bins that go out to the curb and I get to clean the oven! I know I know....you all are so wanting to be me right now.


(and if you didn't get it this was all said with humor and sarcasm)

Master's take on High Maintenance

Okay so I just posted that post...yesterday about accepting compliments....

Right now I am crying Master has paid me a HUGE compliment for me as a his property and slave. I love you Master and thank you so much for your words.

Master's post on High Maintenance.

Hard to Accept....

I get uncomfortable when Master gives me a compliment, does something for me and/or gives me a treat or present. I like all of them...I appreciate them very much. But I still get uncomfortable. And I wish I wouldn't. I wish I would accept all he give me more graciously. I always say thank you and express my appreciation in all he gives me but sometimes I don't feel I handle it in ways that really shows him that I do. Saturday Master did all 3 - he gave me compliments over and over again on how well I got use ready to move things to storage, he did several things around the house that are normally mine to do and then he also gave me a treat for being so good and I don't feel I did a very good job of accepting it all. It just always throws me that he does those things. I know at times I will go through I don't deserve those things but that wasn't it. My thoughts were that I am just doing my job so no need to thank me for doing what I am suppose to. But that shouldn't be my first thoughts. Because if Master wants to thank me, do something for me, treat me....then well DUH...he is in control so he can do what he wants. And my job is to accept it. So I hope that I can start be more accepting and appreciative of all that he gives me as I am truly grateful for everything.

Mini Life Update and Project Runway

This morning was busy. The last few days have been busy.

I went through all our closets and pulled out bins and boxes of stuff that could go to the storage unit. We have been running out of space ever since I moved in but especially after moving my computer into my art studio. It took a lot of rearranging. So this morning we got up fairly early - picked up a truck to load everything and then unloaded it all at the storage unit. Picking up, loading, unloading and dropping the truck back off took us 3 hours. Daddy said I rocked on having everything so organized and ready. But if you would take a look at our house right now...I think it would be hard to tell I was organized. I pulled everything out of all the closets in the house. And because there is a lot more room now I am reorganizing them so I left things out - so it pretty much looks like a tornado set down in our living room.

On our way home Daddy suggested a treat for working so hard to get things ready. Yay! It was so good!

So the rest of the afternoon has been spent relaxing. I will need to do some work in a bit here so that we have places to sit in the living room this evening. But next week I will kick ass and get it all organized. I am thrilled to have more room so that I can truly put things away without opening up a closet or cupboard and having things spill out.

On to Project Runway - if you haven't watched it yet and don't want to be spoiled then don't read any more of this post!

Project Runway

Angela - well she is from Ohio and since I moved to Colorado from there so I like her. I also like the portfolio work they showed of hers on Road to Runway. Her outfit for the first challenge I liked but I would never wear.

Allison - I really like her. She is cute and seems nice. I liked her portfolio. But I didn't like her first challenge dress. I like her voice....her accent. She has that pinup girl quality.

Bonnie - I will be interested in seeing her designs as she designed for athletes and athletic clothing. So I am wondering how elegant dress will be from her....I did like her first challenge dress although it didn't fit the model in the bust.

Bradley - hmmm not sure I guess I feel he is going to do things that are little obscure. His first challenge dress I wouldn't ever wear but I do see it as creative.

Jeffry - Don't like his tattoo at all! His clothes seem a little over done like Santino last season and I read somewhere he is friend's with Santino so go figure on the over done. He is like Santino where he is cocky also...where he is the best and I am thinking yes for a rock star maybe. But can you have a full range in fashion.

Katherine - I think she is a cutie. She reminds me of someone I was involved with. She is the young - right out of school so she probably will have some learning to do. I did like the sleeveless coat she made for the first challenge - again I wouldn't wear it but I can see it being worn. But the dress was iffy. It kind of reminded me of Nora's dress in the first season when they were to get all their supplies from a grocery store and Nora made a dress out of a lawn chair.

Kayne - Wow on him being a Dolly Parton fan! His pageant dresses were really glittery but of course I guess that is what is needed for pageants. I bet he will have great sewing skills. His challenge dress was okay. Nothing fantastic but nothing horrible. I am wondering if he is going to be funny and cute like Andrea.

Keith - Well I will be interested in seeing how Keith keeps doing. He is arrogant. I think that he will become a problem. His dress wasn't all that to me. The red buttons cute but the dress...and it was a simple clean design but nothing to go wow over. I am glad he took all the junk off it though after Tim had gone around consulting everyone. I do find it odd that he said in the Road to Runway that he has done woman's wear. And then when in the work room for the first challenge says he has never done woman's wear. So that is odd to me. I think he maybe did a little fib to get on to project runway.

Laura - She looks GREAT for having 5 kids and making her own clothes! WOW! Amazing woman. I liked the coat she made but I don't like how it looked on her model. It was made to look good on Laura herself. She designs for herself. So that big fur collar would look great on her but her model with her little head just seemed to be swallowed up in it.

Malan - Creepy! His accent, laugh, mannerisms....ewww! He was rude rude rude to the panel on his last season audition though. But I actually liked his first challenge outfit.

Michael - What I saw of his designs in the Road to the Runway - I liked. I thought it was interesting he took season 2's challenges but when I was surfing this past week for Project Runway sites I found one that people actually do take the challenges. I thought his first challenge dress was creative. And pretty actually. If I hadn't known it was coffee filters I would probably be saying it was a favorite of mine. So I just try to picture it in fabric so that I can like it!

Robert - I like him a lot! I mean he design for Barbie...and I am such a girly girl that loved my Barbie dolls growing up that I have to like him for that fact alone. Plus his audition video was so cute with the Barbies. I really really liked his first challenge dress. I really wish he had won the challenge. (He is the reason for the icon - vintage Barbie)

Stacy - Well I didn't like her first challenge dress. The adding the panty..."Grandma's panties" just almost made it worse for me. I think it was the right call for her being out.

Uli - I really liked her clothes and portfolio in the Road to the Runway. I liked her first challenge dress too but it looked like all her other dresses in the portfolio.

Vincent - Wow on cashing in his 401k...that is scary! Especially after seeing him get so excited about the basket hat! But his dress wasn't too bad. Again I wouldn't wear it but I knew the judges would like it...they seem to like little shift type dresses.

I know it is all in the editing but I always find it kind of humorous each designer thinks their design is GREAT! They each get so jazzed about seeing the model walking down the runway in their design. They go on and on how they think it will be a winner or that they are happy with it and then the judges just tell them how bad it is. Such as Jeffery...right away in the work room says he isn't worried because no one else has his talent. And of course he was down to the last moments of possibly being booted....so I wonder if he will learn or will he be like Santino every episode saying he is the best. It felt like they weren't showing everyone in the work room as much as they have in the past seasons. I mean did it show each person being talked to by Tim? I don't think the show did...did it? I like when they show the interactions in the work room and Tim's comments to each of them. But we will get more of that as they do eliminations.

I am full into my addiction for all things Project Runway!

Crashing....

We had an amazing trip. We just got back yesterday and are so exhausted. I might write about how great the trip was later but for now I wanted to write about the day after...

Does anyone else do this....?

When we go out of town or have people visiting where I need to be "on watch" of what I say - not necessarily of what I do because our M/s is pretty subtle but what I say often is really hard on me. Also I am very isolated normally and even though I love being social just seems takes a lot out of me to go from being very isolated to being around a bunch of people and then back to isolated.

And so we come home or our guests leave and then I....crash. I feel sad and just so exhausted mentally and physically.

So today I am crashing.

If anyone else goes through this -- do you have any solutions to maybe help in not crashing so much?

Here is where I am....

...randomness...

domestic - Master bought me a new ironing board pad so today I spent 2 hours ironing it is amazing what the new pad did to the shirts.....they were so much crisper then they usually were the thin little pad that was there. Yes it is the simple domestic pleasures I enjoy! I also folded some clothes (more to go) and sewed up some holes in my favorite dress that I wanted to pack with us.

clothes - speaking of my favorite dress...do you have that piece of clothing that you get lots of compliments in and is one of the most comfortable pieces you have....this is my favorite dresses. Everyone always tells me I look so pretty in it but that dress 1) cost me next to nothing and 2) is so damn comfortable. And that because it is so comfortable it is my favorite summertime dress. It is one of those dresses that has the rayon string strap sundress and then it has a gauzy type second dress over it. So that dress had to come with me. I knew I would have to dress up a little more for this event....so I drug out some clothes that I don't get a chance to wear very often. But I didn't like how one outfit looked so I took a scarf and then tied that around my waist. And while I don't think it looked too bad - I still was just so very self conscious as I just don't wear things around my waist/stomach very often. I am the type of girl who hates to tuck things in too...always have been that way even when I was a size 8. As a What not to Wear viewer I know that at times doing the scarf around the waist....actually takes away from the stomach because it was creating a different line then it was before. Now it shows curves instead of as before I felt like a column with a bubble in the middle of it. So anyway, I tried it on it wasn't horrible but it is not something I am used to either so I asked Master what he thought and he really liked it. I told him I might try it on for our friend that is going with us to see what she thinks...so I get the female perspective. Master did fake crying because I couldn't just take his opinion since you know he is such a fashionista. (grins)

mail love - I got a card with a pink high heel on it that was just so cute and then my friend said the most wonderful things in it that made me cry....good tears. Thank you kaylee!

Daddy - I have the bestest Daddy. I got hooked on paid livejournal and so he bought me some more time....so I have the BESTEST Daddy! I love you! Thank you for the wonderful treat! So now I can keep doing polls and phone posts over there.

high maintenance - because of comments that I have received from the post on it - it has made me really think about it even more. Anyway, when I lived in Ohio and Master was in Colorado it was ROUGH! I am sure all my friend's in Ohio would agree as I am sure they were probably pretty fed up with me. Anyway, I felt insecure and all sorts of issues were coming up so I probably was high maintenance then. But....when it comes down to it. It had nothing to do with me really wanting attention or being needy -- it was totally my issues. My issues from past baggage. My fears of what if this relationship doesn't turn out. What if is just like the rest. What if I fail him. My fears of what if he doesn't want to keep me. What if....what if...what if. So to me if Master were just giving me attention or instruction - the issues would never be resolved as we would have been covering up the problem with a bandaid but never cleaning it out and really looking at it so could be healed. So I do wonder if that is actually what goes on with others...they feel cared for and quells those fears and what ifs in that moment when they get the attention and instruction but it is like a quick fix...never really solving the problem and what really causes it in the first place.

out of town - We leave to go out of town tomorrow and won't be back until Tuesday late so there won't be any update until either late Tuesday if I am awake but most likely it won't be until Wednesday.

Gratitude Friday and Life Update

I am grateful...
1. That I have learned a lot.
2. That life is moving fast right now but with it brings so many wonderful gifts and I am so thankful for all the people that helped get to this point.
3 That I can do it.
4. That things will be okay (I sometimes get nervous on this journey of the business).
5. That I am on a truly amazing journey.

We have just been so busy with work that we haven't had time to do much else. We both have multiple projects for Master's business. We leave to go out of town on Sunday and will be back on Tuesday LATE. We did get a storage unit today! So I will be able to free up some space in the house by moving some things to storage. That means after we get back from our trip - Wednesday, Thursday and Friday will be devoted to cleaning closets and getting things ready for us to move everything all at once to storage. Saturday (7/15) we will move things to storage. Oh and Wednesday Master has a photography shoot to do that I will probably have to help out on. July 17th through the 22nd will be devoted to work and then the week after that I am sure I will go into obsessive cleaning mode as July 28th Master's parents arrive. And after cleaning things out for storage I am sure I will need be needing to do a deep good clean of everything. Master's parents are spending a long weekend with us as Master's going away party from his current job (one he has been at for over 10 years) is on Saturday the 29th. And then August 1 will mark Master's first full-time day of owning his business.

Yay for not trying to do 2 jobs anymore. It is a scary but exciting time. Things right now with the business look like we are going to do great. If anyone needs video production services let us know...we are willing to travel. It's my journal I can plug us right? :)

It is truly amazing to look back at the last several months and see the turn of events. Master developed his passion really just a few months after I moved in to his house. And from there he has been researching, practicing, developing what he hoped would some day become a business. He got to the point he was seeing it come true and he was planning on giving notice this summer - in which I felt he would give his notice and maybe be out of the system in the early fall. And then the death of our friend....in an odd way....propelled him into setting things in motion a lot quicker. I don't like that she died...I sit here crying as I think of it now. But I do know...that she would be thrilled that Master started his business.

Okay so all these good things in my life...and to add to the top of it....I am owned by an amazing man who I love and respect. We have a great M/s relationship. We fit together nicely. So it is amazing journey I am on!

Not High Maintenance

Disclaimer: I am not saying that that one way or the other way is bad or wrong. Or that there is only one true way. I am just talking about why it doesn't apply to me and why I don't like it for me. And my observations and thoughts.

This was posted elsewhere: High Maintenance

That said, I don't relate to anything in his blog entry. And that is fine. I don't need too. In the past, if I were reading something like this it would have made me feel like there is something wrong with me for not being as other submissives. But as with most things in life, the longer I’ve stayed on my path the more of I have understood myself and what I seek out of life. My thoughts, feelings and even definitions have changed over time. In the BDSM community a lot of people have different definitions as to what a submissive means to them. The vastness of blog entries, elists, forums and other sources - there are so many differing views on what a submissive is and is not, so it can get really confusing.

In the blog entry I linked, it’s mentioned that all submissives are high-maintenance. When I read the entry it seemed to come across as though the submissive is so greedy for attention that the dynamic is based on what she wants and desires. And not really about submitting to the will of the dominant. The dictionary definition fits me better then what seems to be the accepted or premise of the definition of submsisvie in the link.

Submissive:
adjective: willing to submit without resistance to authority; deferent
adjective: inclined or willing to submit to orders
or wishes of others or showing such inclination
adjective: abjectly submissive; characteristic of a
slave or servant

In addition to the high-maintenance claim submissives are also greedy for attention, don’t want to be ignored and are needy. I know several who identify as being submissive would prefer that their service be totally invisible and not acknowledged that they are even there - and that is their life - ignored. Personally, I don't like being ignored - well scratch that sometimes it does make me hot - but really in the end for me if it is Master desire to ignore me well then I am here to do what he wants....bend to his will. And there have been times I wanted more attention and every time I just remind myself of my position in his household. Pouting, sulking, demanding attention won't get me anywhere and will probably get me ignored for a very long time. It’s a disservice to Master for behaving in such a way and contradicts what being a submissive means to me.

Years and years ago I got caught up in the "group think" of what I should do or want as a submissive. (“Group think” is like a group mindset that basically dictates you’re supposed to feel this way or that way in order to be a submissive.) I got so wrapped up in “group think” that I felt like I had to be in that mindset all the time or I wasn’t submissive. I even had a whole laundry list of things I wanted so that I would have active dominance and "feel" submissive.

“Feeling submissive?” A friend and I once discussed about what it was like to "feel" submissive. My friend didn't understand it. She was a slave and she asked me what that meant to feel submissive or get a submissive feeling by doing something. To me feeling submissive is feeling the desire to submit…feeling demure, gooey happy type feelings that usually come after receiving active domination. I described “feeling submissive” to my friend and she said she didn't feel that way. At the time I felt kind of sorry for her, but now in retrospect, I realize that I’m feeling the same way. Master's active dominance over me doesn't make me feel submissive. It just...is. And I am here to obey, submit, and bend to whatever he wishes. That’s my life. It is about serving and obeying. Now I need to add that I’m not unhappy about that at all, in fact I’m very happy my life has gotten to this point.

Sometime ago at a meeting for submissives everyone had to go around and give examples that made them feel submissive. I really couldn't think of anything, so I said, “I don’t feel submissive by doing things.” I am thankful the leader of the group got it, but the rest of the group just looked at me in disbelief. I heard what others were saying, but I simply don't feel submissive serving Master a cup of coffee or kneeling at his feet. My station in his life isn't about feeling the desire to submit from kneeling at his feet, it is about serving his desires...and if kneeling at his feet is what he desires then it is my duty to kneel at his feet. Period.

Some submissives turn to the active domination as a source of their submission. An example used in the blog entry mentioned how the dominant told the submissive to paint their toenails red. In the blog entry that active order makes the submissive feel good, because they were getting active attention. I don’t fault the mindset and if it works for them, then fine. But for me though if Master tells me to paint my toenails red - I will go do it because I have to. I am his slave. If he has to "order" me to do stuff just to make me "feel" submissive or to give me attention I know I would pack in a whole bunch of guilt because I wouldn’t be enhancing his life as it would feel like I was creating a burden onto him. And for me - he would be serving me instead of me serving him.

The blog entry might work for some people – and I respect that. I just can’t find much common ground that I can relate to as my life is today. As mentioned in the disclaimer, we’re all unique in our paths and directions. There’s no right way or wrong way, there’s just each of our own separate ways.

5 Positive Things in my life...

1. Time. It is going so quickly and tonight I take a deep breath and am thankful for time. And being more aware of it.
2. Memories. Thinking of some good memories tonight. It is nice to have them.
3. Love. I have a lot of love in my life and I am very grateful for it.
4. Understanding. I have lots of people in my life who understand me...get me.
5. Hearing....Sound. I am listening to lovely music and hearing all the quietness of the house.

Watching TV....

Okay so I did a poll over on Livejournal about TV. Before I became Master's literally the only TV I watched was Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Then I moved in with Master and for the longest time I couldn't figure out how to turn on his tv. So, I only watched TV when he came home. I then figured it out and I would pretty much leave it on all day just to have noise....with an occasional stop to see what was going on. HGTV was my favorite when I first moved here. Anything decorating was it. I used to love Trading Spaces and even got Master hooked on it there for a while. But then I moved to the Food Network. And now when the TV is on during the day it just sits on the food network all day.

After reading the poll, there was one show I was totally amazed that no one watched except Master and I.

Long Way Round

It is an adventure documentary with Ewan McGregor and his best friend that was aired on Bravo. They motorcycled around the world. It is him, his friend and a camera guy on motorcycles in areas of the world that are truly amazing to see. They have team they meet up with on borders to swap out tapes, help get through all the border mess but for the mainstay of the trip it is just these 3 guys. Wow the adventure, the scenery, what they are going through having to endure places that don't have roads and they have to get through on their motorcycles. The people....though are my favorite part. The people they met and stayed with along the way...beautiful. Just so great. So everyone please netflix it! It is really worth it! (By the way it doesn't have close captioning - which really annoys me.)

La Femme Nikita - I know this was the old one of the bunch but it is still a favorite of mine. 1. Peta Wilson is hot. I admit it...big crush on her. Add Nikta with Michael and well isn't that a nice hot 3-some fantasy! I loved all the different looks she had. I loved the action of it. I would love to own it on DVD but it is one of those sets that is really more expensive. So, for now I will be netflixing it. Actually season 1's first disc is next on my list.

Alias - I am going to Alias next because I realized the other day when doing the poll and thinking about La Femme Nikita that I am sure it is one reason I like Alias. She is a spy with lots of different looks. And not that I think Jennifer Garner is hot like Peta Wilson - she is cute. And some of the looks she does are HOT. I really didn't intend to like Alias. It started showing on TNT a while back during their old Angel spot and why TNT did this I don't know but they started in the middle of season 4. So I would watch here and there and not like it all that much. But then season 1 came on and I started watching and soon it was on our DVR daily. Then TNT cancelled it from that time slot. That annoyed me. Got me all hooked - all the way to season 3 and then drop it. So, I netflixed Alias and enjoyed them all! I would like that set on DVD at some point too.

The West Wing - well I love it! I am sad to see it go. Their writing was so good. Just each episode there is something that left me going wow or crying or just feeling anger or pride...just these intense feelings. Master and I just started watching them on DVD and really are enjoying them.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel, and Firefly - Well it is created by Joss Whedon who I had never heard of until Buffy. I saw the movie and couldn't stand it so when I heard there was a series coming out I really was like no way am I watching that. So the first season I didn't watch. And then the 2nd season came about and I caught a few episodes and well...wow! The writing is amazing. The lines that come out and how they come out just are amazing. So I became a die hard Buffy fan. Angel then split off and I watched the first season and loved Doyle. I mean who didn't. And was pissed Joss killed him off. Joss is a sadist! And about that time life got very busy where I couldn't even keep up with Buffy as much as I wanted too so I stopped watching Angel. I though have watched all of the Angel's via TNT. There were lots of things with Angel that didn't to me fit Joss's style as much as Buffy and Firefly. But I still enjoyed it even if it is not a favorite. Firefly aired during Buffy's last season and Buffy's at that time was the only tv I watched. So, I didn't catch Firefly when it was on TV. I had read some things about it and thought okay this doesn't exactly sound like Joss. And wasn't sure I would like it. But truth be told - whispering this very low - Firefly is probably my favorite out of the 3. The writing with Joss just seems to get better. The plots, characters just seemed to pull me even more then Buffy did. Master and I netflixed it right away after we signed up for Netflixs. And we both were sucked in right away. And couldn't understand how it wasn't picked up for another season. So obviously I am a Joss whore because out of everything on the listed in the tv poll Buffy, Firefly and Angel are my favorites.

Trading Spaces - I used to be a very regular viewer really from the start of Trading Spaces before anyone even knew what they were about. Master was even hooked. But when they fired Paige I stopped watching. They fired her because she flashed her thong bottom at a party. During their first 2 seasons Vern was my favorite designer. I always liked his rooms. I love Frank's personality but a lot of the time his rooms are not my style. Genevieve and Laurie - I usually liked their rooms too.

Project Runway - is my very guilty pleasure that starts again very soon! July 12! As I have said before the first season aired and I would roll my eyes thinking who watches such a thing and then they had a marathon of them after the season ended. And well....yeah I got sucked in. And I ended up DVR-ing the marathon and watching them ALL. And so when they announced they got picked up for season 2 I was totally thrilled and have hooked many others onto project runway! yay for enabling! So season 3 starts July 12!