Recently a friend joked that her first safeword was "Olly Olly Oxen Free." So every so often when Master says something that I find particularly sadistic, that I don't really want to do or feel - I say "Olly Olly Oxen Free." It isn't a safeword but it is just being playful.Over on Eden Fantasys forums someone started a thread about using safewords. I think if it works for you to use them - use them. We don't use safewords in this relationship. I am not saying others shouldn't, but I thought I would outline why we don't have one though.
Often when people say they don't have a safe word one of the reasons they say it is because they know each other so well they don't need one or have a deeper relationship so don't need one. Well that isn't the case for us. First anyone lifestyle or vanilla can have a deep relationship. Next,we are always changing so our tastes and what we like and don't like can change. Moods effect how I feel and react to things also. Plus we try new things often so how would he know my reactions to that if we have never tried it. Really things can be different even if we have played the same way many times before doesn't mean it will go the same way. Yes he knows me, but he doesn't always gauge my mood without me telling him. Master isn't a mind reader. And even though he has known me 9 years doesn't mean things are always the same. But even with all that we don't use safewords.
We use good old fashion communication. I don't need to say red when I feel like I might faint or going to be sick. I don't need to use yellow when a cuff is too tight. I can say, "Master, I am going to be sick" or "Master, this cuff is cutting off circulation in my wrist."
I like being able to say to him what is going on and what I am feeling. Saying a safeword really allows to just say it and not communicate what is really going on. I could say red when I am having emotional issues instead of talking about - but talking about is better. Telling Master I am having flashbacks is much better then saying red and leaving him wondering what is going on.
Whenever I have mentioned that I don't use safewords in the past, the response I typically got was: "he can hack off your toes." But even if I yelled a safeword of RED (which is generally stop), he could still hack off my toes. That is the difference about knowing the risks and knowing the person you are with enough to trust them not hack off your toes. When you think about it, a safeword isn't going to stop someone from really hurting you if they want. It still comes down to good old fashion communication which for us, works just as well if not better then a safeword. But if you like the thought of using red, yellow, purple alligator, or even olly olly oxen free - go ahead. Do what works for you.
Read and explore to figure out what you works for you. Using a place like Eden Fantasys forums is a great place to start asking questions and read about all sorts of sex positive information even about BDSM. It is positive sex community to learn more.
Disclosure: EdenFantasys provided me with a gift card in exchange for this post. All opinions are my own, and were not influenced in any way.
We use good old fashion communication. I don't need to say red when I feel like I might faint or going to be sick. I don't need to use yellow when a cuff is too tight. I can say, "Master, I am going to be sick" or "Master, this cuff is cutting off circulation in my wrist."
I like being able to say to him what is going on and what I am feeling. Saying a safeword really allows to just say it and not communicate what is really going on. I could say red when I am having emotional issues instead of talking about - but talking about is better. Telling Master I am having flashbacks is much better then saying red and leaving him wondering what is going on.
Whenever I have mentioned that I don't use safewords in the past, the response I typically got was: "he can hack off your toes." But even if I yelled a safeword of RED (which is generally stop), he could still hack off my toes. That is the difference about knowing the risks and knowing the person you are with enough to trust them not hack off your toes. When you think about it, a safeword isn't going to stop someone from really hurting you if they want. It still comes down to good old fashion communication which for us, works just as well if not better then a safeword. But if you like the thought of using red, yellow, purple alligator, or even olly olly oxen free - go ahead. Do what works for you.
Read and explore to figure out what you works for you. Using a place like Eden Fantasys forums is a great place to start asking questions and read about all sorts of sex positive information even about BDSM. It is positive sex community to learn more.
Disclosure: EdenFantasys provided me with a gift card in exchange for this post. All opinions are my own, and were not influenced in any way.
I totally agree with you. I find it more comfortable to tell what's exactly going on instead of yelling 'SHEEP' or 'BANANA'. Now if I was gagged, I'd put something in my hand and drop it (in the case of bound) or wave it (not bound, but gagged.) I find safewords silly in a way, but hey if they work for some, that's great. :)
ReplyDeleteFor people that are new, safewords could be very important. It's just another form of communication. For couples that know each other well, a safeword can be counter productive. The partner may be reluctant or in a state where they can't/won't safe word. The dominant partner should be aware when their partner is in this state. Waiting for a safeword, sometimes, can lead to a disastrous (or just plain very negative) outcome.
ReplyDeleteWhile safewords can be very useful. At times, they can hinder and/or hurt a relationship.
BTW I do use safewords with my partner, or I will safeword if I don't like a reaction to let her know I will be stopping. Additionally, if she uses stop or something is wrong, I will stop as well. Both serve their purpose to indicate something needs to slow down/end.
Great article- these are the same reasons we rarely use any sot of safe word. I think if anything He gives me a signal to make if we are doing something new that is edgy and has the possibility of going wrong very quickly (like me first suspension). Other then that it is best to just be communicating clearly what you are feeling.
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