Tuesday, May 04, 2004

Did erotica help or deter me from my end goal?

When I started with Don, of course I did not know there was a name for what we were doing and that others were doing what we did. When Don released me, I came to be with my now ex-husband. He is not dominant really, but at times he was controlling of me. I was submissive to him during much of our marriage. But to me it was just how I was and what I was…I again did not know people "wanted" to be submissive. Or sought it out as a "lifestyle."

One night online I was searching for information on anal sex actually. I was trying to convince my husband to try it on me and he was nervous about how it could hurt me. So I decided to research it so I could show him others positive experiences. I thought it would put his mind at ease so he would try it on me. Okay back on track - during that search I stumbled on to an AOL bulletin board about D/s. And I was reading where submissives were explaining how it felt to be submissive and please and serve their Dominant. I could not stop reading. I thought many things that were said sounded like me in all the relationships I had ever had. I wanted to learn more about D/s. So I started reading all sorts of stories and websites. I found a list of books and ordered one at Barnes and Noble since they did not carry it. It was Different Loving (where Lisa and Frank, Bambi and one other that I am forgetting the name of at the moment really made a strong impression on me.)

Side Note: I talked openly about these desires and the research I was doing with my husband. And eventually we tried it - but he felt guilty for hurting me. He felt guilty for controlling me and having "final" say. He felt marriage and relationships should be equal. I tried to point out in our marriage that we had never been equal and that he always had final say…we were just formalizing it more. He did not get that.

I also read fiction. I found lots of BDSM oriented erotica. I read the Anne Rice Beauty Trilogy and had many fantasies related to the book. I masturbated to them. I remember begging my husband for sex after reading those books and other BDSM erotica that I found. To me it was much the same with when I was high school and even up to my marriage I would read those bodice ripping romance novels. The ones where the leading lady was kidnapped and treated roughly by the leading man. Sometimes a handsome prince saved her, but sometimes the leading lady fell in love with her captor. I would masturbate to those thoughts.

I read these fiction and non-fictional books and websites on BDSM. I had fantasies that came out of both fiction and non-fiction. I learned some things that have stayed with me since that beginning journey, but A LOT of what I read went by the way side. Some was just fantasy. But even in the fantasies things can be taken and used in real life.

During that time of exploring I had written many of my fantasies out. As time went on and I was more and more involved in living my lifestyle in real life I stopped. I did not want fantasies - I wanted life. I wanted to live life. I wanted to be a slave and serve someone day in and day out. (Even though it was hard for me to admit at times.)

I think some of the things online did deter me from really seeking out what I wanted. They confused me. I was told that certain things I wanted were wrong. I was told real M/s relationships were not possible. That slaves are illegal so I could never be a slave. I was told I was too opinionated to be a slave. I was told that slaves don't think. I was told that I would not be able to voice my thoughts. I was told that I was worthless and deserved to be treated like that. I was told my submission was a gift and I needed to find a Dominant to treasure the gift. I was told that only BDSM existed in the bedroom.

I wonder if I had not read everything on the websites, chatted with others, read fiction and non-fiction if I would have ever been brave enough to go after my dream even if everyone was telling me things that made it seem like I would never be a slave. Would I have found a M/s relationship another way? How? I wonder. I guess part of me feels that at that time in my life - that was the only way to find my way to where I am now. I had to listen to things that were not true for me, I had to read things I really thought I might like and ended not liking, I really needed to masturbate to the erotica to build those desires in me to go after what I needed - to be a slave - to serve and please a Master….My Master.

So all those erotic stories and fantasies I wrote out some came true but other may never come true. But they were entertaining. They did get me thinking. They did get me searching and exploring. They did get me to think beyond the box. They did get me to think beyond the things I was told and read. And now I am living my life with Master within reality and doing things I read about in stories. My life is not an Anne Rice novel, but it is my version of a fairy tale because I am happy. So now when I read fiction or erotica it is for entertainment and gets this girl's cunt all wet for her real life Master.

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