Why I am I this way?

I might be able to understand why I am being introduced to my own body now, as a woman in my 30s. I might be able to understand why I married the perfect man with the perfect family with the idyllic past, vanilla and safe. I might be able to understand why I am drawn to the same horrible instruments of my past, but managed to sexualize their content and their usage. I might able to understand my own anguish and face the demons I should be facing. ~ by Poiesia

I read this in Poiesia journal. And it struck a cord in myself.

I remember that I was very sexual, but never understanding of my own body until I started exploring BDSM again. I remember being married to Mr. Nice Guy who was had a "Leave it to Beaver" family. He was safe. I came to him after Don. I needed to get way from the horrible feelings I was left with when Don released me - but did not see that then.

I was reading some of my archives yesterday morning. There were entries that talked about my time with Don. "Stories of Old" are what I call them. I still get turned on and disgusted by them at the same time. (stories of old - 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5)

All those things used to bother me - the whys & hows. Why did it take so long to understand my body even though I was so sexual? Why did I marry Mr. Nice Guy? Why did I play it safe with him? Why couldn't I get him to understand me? How can the things Don did to me excite and disgust me at the same time? How can I want to experience them again? How can I get off on things he did to me?

I remember a time where I tried to understand all those things. I remember agonizing over them. I remember being so confused and frustrated because I couldn't explain all of them. Of course some of them were answered over the years. But some are still out there hanging. I searched for answers to the whys and hows, but just could not find answers to some.

And then one day as it often happens with me - all this internalizing - disappeared. It did not really disappear, but I do so much internalizing I somehow work it out without ever even verbalizing it.

And so one day I did not -need- to understand. I just accepted this is who I am and I am happy being this way.

Parts of me wish that I could have skipped over that part of wondering why. But I think we all go through it and all find our own way to see what we need to see weather we find answers or just learn to accept this is "who I am."

Check out Poiesa's whole journal entry from 4 - 27 - 2004 in her archives.