A Down Day

I have been trying to bring together some thoughts on dependency. And losing myself. I don’t feel that I am either of those things but it was brought up not to long ago and I want to address it. So I am going to mull it over a little more.

I have been really down today. And I did not like feeling that way. Master has tried to help me out of it. He even brought me 2 dozen roses home. It was a very nice surprise! He also got a bottle of our favorite wine. It was very thoughtful of Him.

He and I discussed why I am feeling down today. It is because of a conversation with Him last night. Master told me He had been masturbating. Now He can do whatever He wants. But it hurt my feelings that He did not use me. And some feelings I had been feeling – like He was not sexually attracted had been bouncing quietly in the back of my mind – so when I heard that He had been masturbating – of course I immediately “validated” those thoughts hanging around back there. Which of course was not it at all true. Master told me why He has not used me. And I understand His reasons and accept them. He had not used me in the morning when He masturbates because I have been not sleeping well at all and He wants me to be able to sleep in since early morning is when I am just starting my restful sleep. I appreciate His thoughtfulness and hear the words He is telling me, but of course in the back of my mind – I just could not let it go today and so was down – feeling unattractive.

And I know I should not feel this way. I know that Master is attracted to me. I just am not feeling it. And I am trying to tell myself – I don’t need to – because Master said it. And that is the bottom line. He said it – so He means it and that is all I should need to hear to get over this. But somehow my brain and feelings are not meshing nicely.

I know I need to get over it and I will.