Emotional Masochism

Moving on to Emotional Masochism – as it is kind of a different story….

Emotional Masochism I still crave…though not as much as I used to crave it. The cravings go through phases where they are around a lot or other times hardly around. When I masturbate, if I fantasize, it is always around humiliation, degradations and those kind of emotional masochistic desires. I have a strong attraction to the emotional turmoil those situations put me in…because they wrestle against that angel and the devil in me – where one says you should not get turned on by these things and the other part is saying you deserve this…and brings something out that is deep down in that dark corner that I don’t like to look at and shows me where I want it and think and feel it…and know it. And says see you are this person. That struggle in my mind….is an exquisite pain that leaves me breathless and soaking wet.

So I confess my desire for emotional masochism…not much of confession though as most that know me even a little bit know how much that gets me going.but even though I desire it….I fear it. And that is natural. But I fear it different now with Master. And I think that has to deal with my feelings for Him. I feel different for him then I did with past partners that brought me to that place. Master showing me that dark corner…means it is true. I think always before there were little parts of me that could walk away and say it is not true – sometimes it took more self-talk then others to convince myself but with Master --- I think I would believe it.

There are a couple people in my past that it was harder to recover from it with as I knew when they said and did the things they did to me they meant it and not just for that moment….for always. And after the relationships – it took me a while recover. That is the only word I have right now for it – but that word does not seem like the right word. I don’t think it was wrong what they did – I wanted it – but was hard to…face myself maybe that is…it. It was hard to face putting on the face that everyone sees – normally.

I am babbling and not making sense….

I just know that I do get very scared thinking about Master doing more then He has with it. So although I desire emotional masochism – I now fear it more. I do think it has to do with how I feel about Him. (I need to hash that out more).