Within SM there is a wide range of feelings and states. I remember as I described in a previous post that I used to crave pain. I used to crave to feel it – the pain – rip through my flesh. I did not do self – injury but I got close a couple of times, as the cravings were so strong. But I don’t get those deep intense cravings anymore. And I do think a lot of it has to do with the relationship I am in…is very satisfying…thus filling those needs in a different way. I can see in my past where some of those cravings were unhealthy due to the emptiness I felt because there was so much chaos in my life. (Which I am sure sounds like a contradiction in terms but it makes sense to me.)
But now my enjoyment of pain is different and that is why I wondered if I was still a masochist. I still enjoy pain and actually have the occasional desires for pain. It is very confusing and changes all the time. And so am I a masochist…yay or nay?
I don’t crave pain for pain sake – like I once did, but when I do get pain…there are moments in the SM play where I really enjoy the pain. There are even rare times when it goes even deeper – where I get totally wrapped up in that pain. It wraps around me – a darkness comes with the pain and swallows me up. In those moments, I am a very happy girl. But for the most part SM is just something we do and I enjoy. I don’t crave it. I actually don’t think of it much. When we are engaging in SM, I am happy that we are playing. And glad that it is something we enjoy together. So does that make me a masochist? Some say yes and others say no. As I said before, I am just glad to be me.
It does bother me at times that I don’t have the “same” masochistic feelings I once did but at the same time I can see where I am perfectly happy without them too. So why worry about it. When it is there – it is there and when it is not – it is not. Period.
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