The things you overhear at a doctor's office....

Okay yesterday I went to the doctors for a follow up visit....

While we were sitting in the adjacent pharmacy waiting for a prescription after the appointment, there was a man waiting for a woman. The woman was talking with someone there. It seemed they were trying to figure out how much her insurance was going to pay. Anyway, when they finally figured out how much she owed she came to the man and told him, he said, "You sure are becoming an expensive slave." I sat there a moment, blinked and thought did I just hear him right. Then moments later he said something else about maybe needing to replace her with another slave. She paid, but they were still waiting for the prescription to be filled, so they waited and talked. During the conversation, she called him Master several times. They talked about going some vanilla place and he stated that he might have her wear a collar. She replied, "it was up to you Master."

So there I am sitting wide eyed in our smallish town -- it wasn't that they were saying those things where I could or anyone could hear that shocked me -- it was just so strange to me that of all the places in our town that at the doctors office we would over hear others in the lifestyle. Our town does not have any bdsm community. And when I have tried to find people online in our area it has fallen through or they were not in our town but other towns around (which is fine), but I really wish we could find someone here.

Okay now color me judgmental....the people that we saw.....I knew were not "friends" they would be acquaintances, but (yes...this is me judging them from the 10 minute conversation I overheard) they could not ever be like my beloved friends in Ohio, or like our good friends over on the other side of the mountains (V & s), or even our friends in Missouri. There would not be commonalities other then the lifestyle with these people we overheard -- and I guess I want more from my friendships so we did not say anything to them.

Master and I discussed on the way home what if we heard things that made us want to get to know them better....what would we do? I mean would it be creepy that someone overhearing your conversation, introduces themselves to you. Because that is kind of how we think we would approach it -- saying, "we could not help overhearing your conversion and think we have some things in common." And have the dialog start from there.

It is one thing I miss having some friends I can be out around. So that I don't have to be careful about saying Master or Sir. That I don't have to ask very subtly and quietly for permission to use the restroom. So I don't have to be careful about all the little things that I do when around those not in the lifestyle. It would be nice to have friends here locally that we could be out too. We both agree we probably won't find anyone as good as our friends over the mountains (who are on vacation this week - V Sir & s, I hope you guys are having a great time). Our friends over there share so many interests...art, DYI, food, spirituality, and just our passion for life is so similar. We all wish we lived closer to each other.

But for now, we just have our occasional get-togethers with V & s and our vanilla friends while we search out local like-minded people here in addition.

Q&A about M/s and BDSM - 1

I joined a group recently that has many who are not familiar with the lifestyle. So me and a couple others who are in the lifestyle have been answering questions...which is something I don't mind at all and actually enjoy.

I asked their permission to post the questions/answers....and I am actually going to add a little more to some of these answers.


What exactly is BDSM?
For me BDSM stands for B = Bondage D = Discipline S = Sadism M = Masochism

Does that part refer to just the sex?
No, I think it can involve sex, but BDSM is just the kinky fun stuff! Being Spanked, flogged, tied up, nipple clamps, gags, blindfolds, and all that kind of kinky stuff.

I have heard about leather parties and kinky sex. so what about them?
Yep there are those. I used live in Ohio where I was very active in the BDSM community. There were quite a few parties -- private, house parties, dungeon type play settings which were mostly sponsored by BDSM meetings.

The ones held in public play spaces did not allow sex as could imply that they were breaking the law by selling sex for money....since usually it costs to get into the parties.

At one point my best friend owned a dungeon so that was nice as we could have private parties for close friends and sex was allowed and involved at times. I have also attended house parties and usually those allow sex with the BDSM.

I do at times miss having a dungeon setting with all the different equipment to play on. Also being an exhibitionist, I miss out on having people watch. That was a turn on for me but also scary.

And than I read of 24-hour slaves, so what about them?
You will often see me use M/s and SM. And the M/s for me is the relationship base – the serving, obeying...the dynamic that is there all the time. SM is the kinky fun stuff. And most of the time sex is involved, but in my past I have had partners were it was just the SM and no sex with it.

D/s, BDSM, SM, M/s, Top/Bottom, Sir, Masters, Mistress, Daddy, girl, boi, boy, leather, and so on...the combinations of how to do this lifestyle are endless.

So I am trying to figure out the balance, the difference, the continuum. Is possible to have a M/s relationship without the BDSM sex parts?
Yes, it is possible and I do know people who do that. I also know people who are in M/s relationships, but do BDSM and sex with different people. Such as Master Jim and slave marsha...he is a gay and she is a lesbian (she just recently wrote an entry on how that happened). So there relationship is M/s based.

I have served in domestic and administrative capacity also – without having sex or BDSM involved.

For the most part Master and I have a more M/s based relationship with the SM being secondary.

Also- is seems that most of the M/s people I've talked to are also in some sort of poly/open situation. Does the D/s scene always involve multiple partners??
No not always, but it does seem to involved open or poly type relationships quite a bit. I am not sure I understand why it happens to be that way but I am sure some would say that is because people involved in the BDSM community are more "open" but I find that a broad sweeping statement. Because I know many people who are not into BDSM but are open and poly also.

Yay to Colorado Planned Parenthood!

There was suppose to a law that would have come in affect July 1st allowing hospitals to tell rape victims about emergency contraception but Gov. Owens vetoed it. So, Planned Parenthood in Colorado is giving free emergency contraception on Friday, July 1, 2005.

Link to Rocky Mountains Planned Parenthood...the article and more.


Sidenote: I started to tag this as Political because that is how a lot of people would tag it - but to me it is about sexuality and woman's right to what she does with her body. And I guess I don't really think that should be a political issue.

Life Update

Really life has been kind of just everyday....

Sick/Hurt...Better though

Master has been working hard. I was sick, then I start getting better, and get a sunburn that was pretty bad. Next, I decided to rearrange the Master bedroom closet and hurt myself. I was lifting boxes and suitcase up and down from high shelves...and proceeded to hurt my back. I had several days of not being able to do much of anything. Thank goodness it is feeling so much better.

Do you ever wonder why these things hit all at once? I will go without something for weeks/months....and then all of sudden IT hits. I will have 3 different things going on at once -- it is very frustrating!

ATC's & Art

I entered an artist trading card show...that is actually going to be in Columbus, Ohio. I wish I could see it when they have them all up!

Here are the ones that I entered....
Unexpected Discoveries
Dreamed of the Spectacular
Torn and Blue
Orange Postage
Warmer

I also gifted some atc's today (mailing some out tomorrow) to several people. I have a few bigger pieces started and then some altered CD's that I have been meaning to finish up. I feel like that creative well is spilling up and over in so many areas right now....which of course is not a bad thing. I just don't have enough hours in the day!

Tomorrow I need to clean my work room as it looks like a tornado hit it. When I get in a really creative surge, I just pull things out and use them or try lots of different things and then all of the bits and pieces are left about. Usually after I am done working on something or taking break from it...I am moving to housework, making dinner or something like that so cleaning the work room takes lower priority.

Past/History

I have been thinking about my past a lot lately -- I think that has to do with the fact that like annissa, I am doing a history...ours were probably spawned for the same reason. Anyway, by thinking of it a lot I have closed some doors on some things that have been hanging out there a while. I have also reminisced over some very good memories. I hope to post my history in a few days.

Movies

We are really enjoying netflix.com. I really liked Firefly! I would like to watch it again someday...maybe get it eventually as it was very good. And I can't wait for the movie! We also watched Caligula recently. I have never seen it all the way through. It was well....very interesting. I can't even believe it got made and distributed. Eddie Izzard: Glorious is next! I really really like Eddie Izzard and never seen whole acts/DVD just little pieces here and there...so I can't wait to watch it!

Dinner

Okay so tonight for dinner we had a meal we don't have often as it is not as healthy as we would like it to be....grilled chicken breasts (marinated in balsamic vinegar, olive oil mixture with herbs and such), garlic mashed potatoes (added an egg to them - beat - then piped on to a cookie sheet and baked 15 to get a little toasty on the outside), corn on the cob (been craving it a lot lately). It tasted so good to just have indulgence food! We don't eat potatoes that often or corn...so it was a nice treat! Tomorrow night will have to be something more healthy!

Buffy Moment

I am watching Buffy - The first season.

I love these lines of the dialog...

Giles comes in giving Jenny an earring she lost in the library they have a conversation about books. Giles is talking about how books give knowledge that computers can't and...

Jenny: Well you really are an old-fashioned boy aren't ya?
Giles: Well, I don't dangle a corkscrew from my ear.
Jenny: That's not where I dangle it.

I love those moments! I love the look on Gile's face.

Quiz

You are
Willow Rosenberg


"I don't get wild. Wild on me equals spaz."

What "Buffy" Character Are You?

Daily Zen....

Stripped of reason my mind is blank
Emptied of being my nature is bare
At night my windows often breathe white
The moon and stream come right to the door.

- Shih-wu (1272-1352)

Political

I just read that buried within the No Child Left Behind Act is a provision that requires public high schools to hand over the private contact information of students in public high schools to military recruiters. And that if a school does not comply, it risks losing education funds.

The Student Privacy Protection Act of 2005 amends section 9528 of No Child Left Behind to prohibit military recruiters from contacting students unless these minors and their parents specifically "opt in" and give consent to receive such communications.

Here is a website that will help you opt your child out.

Emotional Sadism

Master has written His thoughts to my post on emotional masochism.

I just thought some of you might be interested in it....Emotional Sadism.

Emotional Masochism

Moving on to Emotional Masochism – as it is kind of a different story….

Emotional Masochism I still crave…though not as much as I used to crave it. The cravings go through phases where they are around a lot or other times hardly around. When I masturbate, if I fantasize, it is always around humiliation, degradations and those kind of emotional masochistic desires. I have a strong attraction to the emotional turmoil those situations put me in…because they wrestle against that angel and the devil in me – where one says you should not get turned on by these things and the other part is saying you deserve this…and brings something out that is deep down in that dark corner that I don’t like to look at and shows me where I want it and think and feel it…and know it. And says see you are this person. That struggle in my mind….is an exquisite pain that leaves me breathless and soaking wet.

So I confess my desire for emotional masochism…not much of confession though as most that know me even a little bit know how much that gets me going.but even though I desire it….I fear it. And that is natural. But I fear it different now with Master. And I think that has to deal with my feelings for Him. I feel different for him then I did with past partners that brought me to that place. Master showing me that dark corner…means it is true. I think always before there were little parts of me that could walk away and say it is not true – sometimes it took more self-talk then others to convince myself but with Master --- I think I would believe it.

There are a couple people in my past that it was harder to recover from it with as I knew when they said and did the things they did to me they meant it and not just for that moment….for always. And after the relationships – it took me a while recover. That is the only word I have right now for it – but that word does not seem like the right word. I don’t think it was wrong what they did – I wanted it – but was hard to…face myself maybe that is…it. It was hard to face putting on the face that everyone sees – normally.

I am babbling and not making sense….

I just know that I do get very scared thinking about Master doing more then He has with it. So although I desire emotional masochism – I now fear it more. I do think it has to do with how I feel about Him. (I need to hash that out more).

My Masochism…yay or nay?

This entry was spawned from my last entry on masochism, Jane’s entry and a phone call with Moni.

Within SM there is a wide range of feelings and states. I remember as I described in a previous post that I used to crave pain. I used to crave to feel it – the pain – rip through my flesh. I did not do self – injury but I got close a couple of times, as the cravings were so strong. But I don’t get those deep intense cravings anymore. And I do think a lot of it has to do with the relationship I am in…is very satisfying…thus filling those needs in a different way. I can see in my past where some of those cravings were unhealthy due to the emptiness I felt because there was so much chaos in my life. (Which I am sure sounds like a contradiction in terms but it makes sense to me.)

But now my enjoyment of pain is different and that is why I wondered if I was still a masochist. I still enjoy pain and actually have the occasional desires for pain. It is very confusing and changes all the time. And so am I a masochist…yay or nay?

I don’t crave pain for pain sake – like I once did, but when I do get pain…there are moments in the SM play where I really enjoy the pain. There are even rare times when it goes even deeper – where I get totally wrapped up in that pain. It wraps around me – a darkness comes with the pain and swallows me up. In those moments, I am a very happy girl.

But for the most part SM is just something we do and I enjoy. I don’t crave it. I actually don’t think of it much. When we are engaging in SM, I am happy that we are playing. And glad that it is something we enjoy together. So does that make me a masochist? Some say yes and others say no. As I said before, I am just glad to be me.

It does bother me at times that I don’t have the “same” masochistic feelings I once did but at the same time I can see where I am perfectly happy without them too. So why worry about it. When it is there – it is there and when it is not – it is not. Period.

test....

Just testing out a blogger feature....this icon was from BrokenIcon on LiveJournal

I thought it was appropriate because I feel like I need a happy pill.

MIT Survey....

Questions...."What if you are sick...?"

Paraphrasing some questions asked by an online friend that is not in the lifestyle but curious -- "I am wondering if you have ever been in a situation where you said 'You know what, that fucking hurts too much. And I don't want to play anymore. So untie me, I'm watching tv and we can talk later.' What happens if you've just had enough? What if you’re in a cage or whatever else, and you have terrible stomach cramps NOW?"

Communication is the key. Tone, attitude and respect have to be displayed even when in my head I might be screaming, "damn that hurt -- I don’t wanna play anymore."

If I suddenly were to have a spike of a migraine shoot up, I need to tell him...calmly respectfully and without any attitude that the migraines might be bringing with it.

The words I use are very important. I could not say - "That fucking hurts too much. And I don't want to play anymore."

If it was hurting too much because I had a migraine spike up, I would need to tell Him...such as "Master, a migraine has spiked up and ..." I would need to insert any other relevant information -- such as if my body was hurting, or I was light sensitive, touch sensitive and so on. If I was locked in a cage, tied up or in another play situation and developed a stomach-ache --- maybe not just a stomachache but I felt like I was going to throw up, I would again have to tell Master. Maybe say something like this, “Master, I stomach-ache and feel like I am going to throw up, may I request permission to get out or have something to throw up in?” If it hurt too much because of PMS, I would have to communicate to Him that I have PMS but if He wants to play is up to Him. PMS is uncomfortable -- but not unbearable. Even if it hurts -- the decision to end it is His.

Now saying all that, Master does not want to mess with the migraines or my health. So, most likely He would stop and get me anything I need to start feeling better. But if I am just having a day where the play does not feel good or I am not into it -- well it is my duty to Him to deal with it. Yes I still need to tell him that – if I am having a bad day or what not, but if he wants to continue (most likely would continue) then I would need to deal with it.

There have been a few times where I was into the play and all of sudden I felt sick to my stomach but I could not communicate very clearly. All I muttered out was throw up. And Master understood, got me up and to the bathroom. I have also had times where it just felt off to me but hard to communicate for me – and usually Master sees it in my body language and will stop to ask questions. Sometimes he does not care – not that is unfeeling – it is just that He might see it is uncomfortable for me but He is in a sadistic streak and wants me to suffer and take it for Him. So even when it is hard to communicate - we are to the point with each other – where He can even with a word or body language understand me. So just learning each other has been good for our relationship. At times, just in everyday life, He has seen migraines coming before I even realized they were on their way.

The key is communication and learning to say it in a way that is not with attitude or tone but is clear, concise and respectful.

Sex Blunders....

Elsewhere it was asked, "what's your biggest and/or best sexual blunder? farting during oral sex? falling off the bed? getting caught?"

Well my list is so long that I thought I would do it as a whole post...

I have not anally farted but I have vaginally farted during oral sex - because of how they were fingering me was pressing lots of air into me. Or when having umm big toys used on me fast and hard..and lots of wetness well that thing happens...and yes I do get all red...even though I know it is something that just happens.

Yes in past relationships…

fallen off the bed during sex....

the bed broke during sex...

A futon broke during sex...

A table I was bent over broke...

A chair we were having sex in broke....

My ex-husband and I were having sex while married. We lived in a big apartment complex...the window was open. I forgot and after I ended my long screaming orgasm....we heard clapping. He peeked out the window the building was an L shape and several neighbors on their balconies were clapping and cheering me. I went out and took a bow (with a robe on). He was totally embarrassed but I was like so what...we know they all have sex and so do we….it is normal…so it was not a big deal to me but was to him.

In another relationship we were poly - our household had 2 males and 4 females at one point. Anyway, one male and I were doing SM play and having sex...it was a long session that ended with sex. Anyway, during it our air conditioner went out. One of the females called maintenance - and did not tell us. They came in and took a look but said they would come back later. She told us later that he for sure heard me moaning because she could. So he comes back later when we were up - and out - the maintenance guys said "nice to SEE you." -- And had this silly grin on his face...like he was saying nice to SEE you instead of just HEAR you! I wanted to die and hide but I just kind of nodded and walked away.

In the same relationship, we had a big plastic tub in the Master bedroom...it had all our SM toys...rope, floggers, sex toys (vibes, butt plugs), nipple clamps, clothes pins, gags, collars, leashes, chain and... tons of other toys. We had someone over and played the night before. I had not gotten a chance to get in there and clean up yet. So there was chains and cuffs attached to the bed, a butt plug and vibrator (that had been cleaned sitting on the night stand), rope in a pile next to the bed, a gag and blindfold hanging off the headboard, locks and more chain lying in a pile next to the bed, floggers and clamps hanging out of the plastic tub.

The man I was involved with - was hooked up to a breathing machine at night for sleep apnea (sp?) - but they needed to test blood oxygen levels to see if they had it set up right so needed to bring in another machine. Well he forgot to tell me they were coming by that morning. And so when the guy knocked at the door I was a little surprised. He said he needed to go into the bedroom to hook it up. I said, “umm well I need to go clean up” and told him I would be right back. He said, “oh no don't bother I have seen I am sure much worse”...and followed me into the bedroom. I saw him look around and then he cleared his throat and said – “so isn't all this rain terrible?” and proceeded to carry on a "normal" conversation. We talked about restaurants and food.

After he got it hooked up -- I had to fill out some forms -- so we did that in the living room. He said to me “you seem really cool.” I was still I think in a constant state of red from blushing from him being around all our toys. I said, “thanks.” He said, “you are very open minded.” I nodded and said, “umm yes.” And that is all the further he took it but I could see he wanted to ask more. I just was not sure how to open it up for him to talk. And so just left it alone.

Another time, same relationship, I was having a migraine and so laying under a bunch of blankets on the bed with head covered. I did not hear anyone knocking at the door. Well maintenance would knock, but if there was no answer they just let themselves in. Well they did -- they did not "notice" someone on the bed. Oh by the way I was naked - so I just lay there really still when I realized they had come in. They were changing out filters in the furnace (which was in the room where I was lying down) and changing out fire alarm batteries. So, I lay there just so still. On my computer that was in the same room - I had a screen saver with all sorts of bondage and SM porn -It was one of those slideshow type deals going through all the porn. So the guy gets done changing filter, turns around and sees it. He said, “wow.” Then he called to the other guy who was changing out batteries into the room. They stood their watching it and commenting on all the women and what was being done. Then they noticed the nipple clamps on the desk, the butt plug, vibe, and rope in a basket on shelving unit next to the desk....and commented on that. They were talking about how the people living here must really be kinky. Then they started asking each other about doing any of that kind of stuff they were seeing in the pictures. Then all of sudden -- I heard a whisper. See I think one of them realized I was in the bed…so they left quickly.

There are quite a few stories like these…that happened in that relationship. We heard that they called him “the guru” because he had all these women and did all these kinky things. They thought he must of been a guru of sex or something to keep all us women.

Thank you!

I just wanted to thank everyone that commented, emailed, phoned me about the entry from 6/15 about being a good submissive. I truly appreciate all the feedback, thoughts, and feelings on the subject.

Spilling Milk

I am not sure why it is the little things that slip me up so much….things that should not matter that get under my skin…

So I posted a couple weeks ago elsewhere....
When you do something that is a slip up or accident as a submissive and your Dominant says -- "Don't do that" or "Be more careful" -- what goes through your mind? Because - at times – I get upset with it. It feels like when a kid spills their milk and a parent says, "why did you do that?" – making it seem like the kid did it on purpose. And when I slip up or it is just an accident I did not do it on purpose. And logically I know Master is just telling me to be more careful. Because obviously most of the time.... accidents or slips ups can be prevented with more attentativeness.

Then in the replies...
It was brought up that if the dominant said something like that -- it would show she/he was displeased. And that they don’t want to displease their dominant. (which I don’t but that is usually not my first thought – which I kind of got into in a previous post.)

For me when Master says something like that -- the tone in which He says it -- does not really display displeasure with me or what I did. It is more - just kind of matter-of-fact. So if I just spilled milk, I don't feel like I am displeasing him and just think I am human. I find that a little strange I don’t think about Him possibly being displeased?

Mostly it just bothers me that if I have just “spilled milk” (whatever the accident was) to be told, “Don’t do that” or “Be careful” -- because well….it seems like a duh moment to me. I can’t find other words at the moment to convey that in a “better” way. I am an adult. I know He does not want me to “spill milk” – heck I don’t want to spill milk either as most likely I am the one that has to fix it or deal with it – so I know I need to be more careful.

It sort of comes back to – I slip up and right away I am internally beating up on myself for it. So it is hard to hear Master say something about it, as it just confirms all those words going on in my head – confirms that I should be beating up on myself.

I try hard not to beat up on myself so much -- just move on – know what I need to do fix it -- so then when He says that I tend to beat up on myself more. So maybe it is because I have displeased Him? But really it does not feel like that. And again I don’t think about displeasing Him – it is more along the lines of I just can’t do anything right – or I am a failure. Twisted strange thoughts.

But after a discussion with Master about it – I understand where he is coming from better even though it still bothers me a little bit. Because it is almost a rhetorical statement/question…He says it because He knows I will correct it – thus He does not say or do more with it. He knows I don’t spill the milk or whatever it was – on purpose. And basically Him saying “don’t do that” or “be careful,” is a way to acknowledge that he noticed and although it was an accident – he still does not have to like it. I understand that.

What I don’t like with these small things is that it is so me oriented. It is about what I feel and what I think should go on. It is silly that I get so attached to what I want to happen.

Such as….this is what I said in reply to someone….
When the spilled milk thing happens though for me my first thought is I am human and I did not do it on purpose. And actually him knowing me how he does should know...when things like that happen I go through a self-check mode to see if I was not being attentive enough and how to correct it - and usually I do. So being "scolded" for it usually just annoys me…yes me...the slave can get annoyed!

I bolded the should because that is what I noticed first when re-reading that. It gave me one of those “uggghh damn it how long does it take me to get it right moments.” I am not sure why but I don't like it when I am come to self-realizations that are well things that I should have seen or known by now.

So what I don’t like about what I said is…..Master should know. Really logically I know it does not matter if He should know -- as He still has the right to say what He wants to say. And it is not about me – how I wanted Him to handle the situation. It is about what happens and how I deal with it. Externally when it happens, I just deal but it churns inside me. That is why I started to write about it so I could get the feeling out and maybe realize why or what happen.

I don’t know why the small things trip me up. I do know that I need to accept that Master says what He says in those moments because He feels it is appropriate. I need to learn to deal internally as well as externally.

Do I still wish Master would not say those things to me when I “spill milk”? Yes I wish He wouldn’t. But of course my reality is He can damn well say what He wants. And more importantly He feels it is appropriate and so I need to learn to accept that. I need to learn a way to tell myself and HEAR it -- that He has that right to say what He said.

I just wish I would not get so tripped on the small things. Because in the scope of things it is small.

Quiz: Who's Your Daddy?

Your Daddy Is Ozzy Osbourne

What You Call Him: Pops Why You Love Him: He gives good spankings

Who's Your Daddy?

What Naughty My Little Pony Are You?

For the little girl in me....I had to take...but really does not sound like me....but she is so cute!

You Are Subversion!
You are systematic and secretive. Sometimes even very calculating. Most everyone trusts you but they have no idea what really goes on in your head. You are capable of being nice or mean, whatever a situation calls for. You look out for #1.

What Naughty My Little Pony Are You?

Luna

If anyone knows who did the art work in the header....please let me know? I have tried to find it on ArtMagick (where the creator of the layout found it), but I can't seem to locate it on there. I have searched through artists I thought it might be done by but coming up with nothing.

I love the painting and it speaks to me on a lot of different levels.

Being Taken Care Of....

Tuesday - Master took the day off to take me to the doctors. We were there half the day and for right now I am just a little better.

Wednesday - Migraine Rah Rah! After having Master here on Tuesday I really missed Him all day long...just wanted to snuggle into His arms...to get hugs and kisses.

Thursday - Migraine worse....no sleep on Wednesday just made it worse. Master picked up Chinese food to make everything all better!

Everyday I am just amazed how wonderful Master is to me. He takes such good care of me always. On Saturday night, I was feeling so horrible that I ended up in tears. So it was 1 am and Master decides to make a run to Wal-Mart to get me something that would possibly help me. Then on Monday He insisted I call the doctors office to make an appointment. Tuesday He was there with me. I have a real fear of doctors and this is a new one so that is always makes it even harder so just having Him there made me feel much better. And He just always seems to know what to do to make me feel better. He has been incredible this week and again I am truly amazed how lucky I am to have such a great Master.

Thank you Master....I love you very much!

Explaining a statement: Good Submissive, Pleasing and such

I made this statement on Monday elsewhere: "I think I am becoming aware that I am not a good submissive. I am a good slave but not very good submissive. At least that is how I am feeling lately."

Okay my statement Monday was kind off the cuff as I was beating up on myself. It all started when I was reading a yahoo group where all the slaves were talking about submitting as though they have constant complete joy in their hearts and being. They talked about being so focused on pleasing their Owner and the complete “divine” – joy they got from it.

Well, as I read of their “divine” submission – I was feeling worse and worse because I don’t feel that. I talked with Master about on Tuesday quite a bit. I submit because I am owned. I submit because that is who I am. And when I read through the posts on the yahoo group -- they all seemed to submit because of the pleasure they got from pleasing their Owner.

And it is different for me. Logically I understand it is perfectly fine that some feel joy in submission and I feel something different. Logically I understand we are all different. But of course sometimes logic does not out-weigh feelings….so I get to feeling that I am a bad submissive because I don’t have that “divine” submission that others do.

It seemed like when I read about this joyous submission – their first and foremost thought is pleasing their Master. And although I want to please Master – that usually is not my first thought.

At times when I submit, I internally struggle even though externally I obey. I obey because I am owned and serve Master. And those are my first thoughts….to obey, to serve because I am owned. And Master is pleased that I obey and serve Him – so yes I am pleasing but it is not my focus.

I think I am being clear as mud.

In the past, those joyous submission type of posts bothered me because a lot of the time they are so hearts and flowers – like living in that land of joyous submission means you live on Cloud 9 all the time. And well, I believe that would be difficult to do when living within reality (which Master and I try very hard to stay grounded in reality).

While Master and I talked I said why would someone want to fall that hard – as being so high on Cloud 9 makes the highs very high but it also makes the lows very low. So the fall from that high would be hard. And He asked me to explain that more.

Basically I said to that to put pleasing their Owner that high up that it makes the fall very hard when their expectations are not met.

So there was the aha-moment for me.

I don’t put pleasing first because I am scared of the expectations I create by putting so much focus on pleasing. I trip myself up when using pleasing as a main focus because my expectations on myself as a slave become obsessive. And the expectations are driven by the obsession. So, it becomes a vicious cycle.

Background – Don – my first M/s relationship even though those words were never used. He enslaved me in a way that did not give time to think about pleasing. He taught me to please him by obeying and serving. He did not drive me into obsessing about what, how and why to please. He trained me to serve and obey – enslaving me to him through training (for a lack of a better word).

So the next formal D/s relationship I was in came after the age of the internet where all the submissives online talked about pleasing and the beautiful gift of submission.

Enter my first 24/7 D/s. I was there to please my Dominant. And I knocked myself out doing it…literally. I worked hard to please him 24/7. Because I was knocking myself out trying to please him (without really being told how to please him) – I became obsessed. Everything I did – I did over the top because what if he did not want iced tea after work – maybe he wanted orange pop – no maybe root beer. What if he wanted something different for dinner? What if …what if. I had to have every possible thing that could please him – in my mind – ready. So, I obsessed and in the end questioned if I was submissive because it was such hard work to please someone 24/7. I thought others did it….and got joy from it. But it just felt so tiring to me. It felt like I was not me. I ended up falling hard – becoming so tired and burnt out with submission as I literally would lay awake at night thinking of what was next in what I thought pleasing him should be. I thought pleasing meant I couldn’t express opinions because it was not the same as his and in my mind that meant obviously it would not please him that I had different thoughts. I did not express feelings, thoughts or ideas as anything that might be negative - and negative equaled not pleasing in my mind.

I finally broke down. I see it now – I had a nervous breakdown. At the time we did not say that out loud. But that is what happened because I became so obsessed and tired.

Okay so we never recovered really from that….we tried. (This was not the only problem in the relationship but it was one and in all of the relationship – the tone had been set to have very high - highs and very low – lows.
Those were so a part of us – that we did not know how to act with each other in any other manner. And all my relationships after this had variations of the obsessing. Even when I met Master – we had them to a some extent – but I can see where with Master – there was a recognition – a knowledge that this time it was different and so I think I was able to relax and let go - start growing beyond the obsession.

Master helped me slow down – relax and let go – so that I just serve without focusing on pleasing. Because the serving although I had to learn a lot of it…there was an instinct/awareness of what to look for and how to serve. It was not something I had to think about – or obsess about. So, with Master I was able to let go of that pleasing as a focus and just serve. And in a way they are the same thing. But for me one can cause negative reactions and the other brings out calmness in me.

So back to the joyous submission….I don’t feel joyous submission in focusing on pleasing because I am not really being me. I am being a false me. The one that I thought a dominant wanted. So while I envy that feeling that a person gets from pleasing – I would not want to focus on pleasing as it not being me.

Obeying and serving are my focus.

Will I still envy that divine submission? Yes, but at the same time I don’t want it. I want something and I think I associate that divine submission with that. But I am not there yet.

What I can embrace and be happy about is serving is being me. It is there without even trying, worrying, obsessing or even at times thinking. It feels good and natural.

And Master is happy with my service.

Recipes!

Added bunches of recipes to our website...

A while back my Mom mailed me a box I had there -- and my recipe box was in there from when I was married and entertained quite a bit. Anyway I have been making some of these recipes for Master now and then wanted to share them too.

Appetizers: Brushetta - Taco Dip - Pot Stickers - Asiago & Chicken Spindini - Bacon Water Chestnuts - Hot Crab Dip - Black Bean Dip - Asiago Cheese Dip

Entrees: Chicken Capri - Un-Fried Chicken - Chicken Pomodoro - Smoky Mountain Chicken - Chicken Lasagna - Roasted Rosemary Chicken & Vegetables - Pan Roasted Chicken/Sweet Tart Red Wine Sauce - Sicilian Chicken - Chicken Francese - Honey Mustard Bacon Chicken - Crab & Salmon Cakes with Roasted Red Pepper Sauce - Mexican Meatballs - Salisbury Steak - Beef Parmesan - Crispy Beef - Rosemary Wine Pork Chops - Pork Chops with Mustard Sauce

Sides: Basil Beans & Tomatoes - Onion Potatoes - Garlic-Lemon Green Beans with Bread Crumbs - Fried Red Tomatoes - Baked Beans - Homestyle Green Been Casserole- White Beans with Pancetta & Sage - Corn & Wild Rice Pudding - Potluck Potatoes - Corn Casserole

Answering a Question.....

Jane had a question about 29 and 30 and it actually is probably one of the top 5 questions I get about my 100+ things about me...

She wondered what I meant by these 2 lines....

29. I used to be a masochist
30. I don't know if I am....anymore.

I don't feel I am a masochist anymore.

I used to be a huge masochist. I used to crave to feel the pain...I wanted to feel the feelings associated with the pain. I wanted to feel it rip through my flesh and open me up (sometimes literally and other times just metaphorically).

And well now I don't get those types of cravings. I like pain. I like to do SM play with Master. I enjoy the pain Master gives me, but I just don't crave it. I don't need to feel it rip though my flesh. I like taking the pain for Him. So again I used to crave pain for pains sake, but now it is just not the same. I don't have those deep cravings like I did...I do enjoy taking the pain Master gives me. So not exactly sure what the makes me...I guess it just makes me -- ME!

Does that make sense?

A Few More Random Notes....

A few more random notes...

While we were at Master's parents I called Master -- well Master in front of His parents. I had always told myself if I did that just to keep on going with the conversation. And I did but then called him by his given name following it and went on to the next thing. I think they maybe paused to reflect what they had really heard but then they were caught up in what else I was saying that they moved on. As soon as Master and I got to the room...I was....freaked out!

a link to a newsletter....Simply Service...

I have really been enjoying the (canceled) series Firefly. We have been getting it off netflix. I thought I might have problems because so many of the cast were on Buffy or Angel but right away I fell into the characters on Firefly like I do with all of Joss' projects. We saw a trailer for the movie -- and it looked GREAT! I can't wait to see it.

I have a post about golden showers started and need to ask Master if I can post a picture of me while He is giving me a golden shower...it is and old old picture but thought it would go nicely with the post -- this is basically a reminder to myself

Kraft Doing Good!

Passing this on...
I got it from Malixe on Live Journal....

I suggest sending an email to Kraft encouraging them to keep up the good work.

Today's "Love letter" from the American Family Association:

Please forward this e-mail message to your family and friends!
Kraft Says It Proudly Supports The Gay Games

Dear -----,

Kraft Inc. is sponsoring the upcoming Gay Games in Chicago. I want to show you what Kraft proudly supports. But before I do that, you need to read what Marc Firestone, Executive Vice President, General Counsel and Corporate Secretary of Kraft Foods Inc., said in refusing to cancel their sponsorship.

"Diversity is more than a word many people like to say. At Kraft we truly respect all kinds of differences. And diversity is not a selective concept. By definition, it's nothing if not inclusive. We respect diversity of ethnicity, gender, experience, background, personal style and yes, sexual orientation and gender identity. Recognizing, respecting and valuing these differences helps us be a more successful business and a workplace where all employees can realize their full potential."

The Gay Games can't get a much stronger commitment than that given by Kraft.

Kraft also owns Maxwell House, Post, Oscar Mayer and Nabisco brands, which account for almost 75% of the company's revenues.

The attached photos were taken at the last Gay Games. This is the type activity Mr. Firestone says Kraft recognizes, respects and values. (Warning: These photos are very offensive.) Click here to see the Gay Games photos.

Click here to send your letter to Kraft

Thanks for caring enough to get involved.

Sincerely,

Don

Donald E. Wildmon, Founder and Chairman
American Family Association

P.S. Please forward this e-mail message to your family and friends.
-------------------------------------

[EDIT:] Ya know, it occurs to me that maybe I could make it as simple to participate as the AFA does. So I'll give it a shot-- please feel free to cut and paste and/or improve upon my efforts in your own forums.

Here's my revised version of the AFA's boilerplate text-- (SNIP!)

E-Mail: Roger Deromedi, CEO, Kraft Foods

I am pleased to learn of Kraft's sponsorship of the Gay Games, and that Kraft values diversity and integrity in the face of attempted intimidation by the "American Family Association". I encourage Kraft not to withdraw its sponsorship or encourage the AFA in any way.

If Kraft does not withdraw its sponsorship of the Gay Games, and if American Family Association calls for a boycott of Kraft, I will make every effort to buy more Kraft products and encourage my friends to do so as well. Keep up the good work!

signed--

Quick Life Update

Just a quickie to say we are home...but Master is leaving again. So, I hope to have some time to do a longer blog tomorrow night. But I do have lots on my list to do while He is out of town.

Here are just a few random notes....

Our weekend kind of got messed up because of the rain but it still was a good weekend with some positives.

Master bought the new Coldplay CD....I really like it already...and not even all the way through it the first time yet

Master took me to the Dollar Tree while we were out of town. Master bought me quite a few fun art things! Thank you Master!

Needing some girl time....talked to nuala today on the phone, hopefully going to chat with another friend tomorrow and also going to call Moni this week too! Plus I have done some emails to several friends too.

I can't stand drama but found out some drama tonight. I can't understand why people are so screwed up that they hang on to hatred...and that is the only word for it...hatred. Don't they understand what that does to them....their bodies, mental health, emotional health. Maybe they like the drama...I think sometimes we get so used to it we don't know any other way...I used to be like that. But I just feel sorry for those that don't wake up

I am going to do some art this week...so doing a happy dance!

I have been getting lots of wonderful, beautiful, artful maillove!

I am drinking diet coke out of my princess cup - it has Belle, Cinderella, and Aurora on it

I am going to miss Master while He is out of town

We both took lots of pictures this weekend. Master has me using His old camera so maybe now I am catching the camera bug as I had a lot of fun taking pictures with Him this weekend

Very thankful I live in Colorado! It is so beautiful

I am reminded many times over....each day that I am very lucky to have such a wonderful Master....Thank you for claiming me Master...I love you

Daddy/Little Girl Ezine

New Issue to Under My Skirt Ezine is out. It is an ezine dedicated to Daddy/little girl relationships...so if that is your thing or you want to learn more about it - check it out.

Life Update: Art and Going out of town

Not sure how long of update this will be....

We heading out of town tomorrow and won't be back until Sunday. So no updates until then.

I actually am feeling a little stressed about this trip as we are going to be doing different things and for some reason at the moment it is making me feel a little anxious and overwhelmed. But I am sure it will go just fine.

I also feel like I have so much creative juice pulsing right now -- that needs an outlet -- but that can't happen while we are away. So I am sure that is adding to my uneasy feelings. My creative endeavors have been focused in a different area (web design) for the last few weeks and so I have not touched any of my art supplies in almost that whole time - so feeling a little off balance as I was really aching to my hands dirty.

I have gotten a chance to make some new atc's the last few days and it has been a lot of fun. But again I want to just being doing MORE!

Not much else is going on -- just doing the usual things -- keeping house, cooking and such. Hopefully when I get back I will have a longer more substantial journal entry.

If you want to see my new ATC's take a look at my gallery....new ones are Torn Soul, Torn and Blue, Unearth, Stone Age Fish, Nine Four India, Key to Happiness, and 275. I have 3 more drying that aren't up but hopefully will tomorrow.

Oh one more thing...I owe several people emails...I will get to those when we get back too!