Explaining a statement: Good Submissive, Pleasing and such

I made this statement on Monday elsewhere: "I think I am becoming aware that I am not a good submissive. I am a good slave but not very good submissive. At least that is how I am feeling lately."

Okay my statement Monday was kind off the cuff as I was beating up on myself. It all started when I was reading a yahoo group where all the slaves were talking about submitting as though they have constant complete joy in their hearts and being. They talked about being so focused on pleasing their Owner and the complete “divine” – joy they got from it.

Well, as I read of their “divine” submission – I was feeling worse and worse because I don’t feel that. I talked with Master about on Tuesday quite a bit. I submit because I am owned. I submit because that is who I am. And when I read through the posts on the yahoo group -- they all seemed to submit because of the pleasure they got from pleasing their Owner.

And it is different for me. Logically I understand it is perfectly fine that some feel joy in submission and I feel something different. Logically I understand we are all different. But of course sometimes logic does not out-weigh feelings….so I get to feeling that I am a bad submissive because I don’t have that “divine” submission that others do.

It seemed like when I read about this joyous submission – their first and foremost thought is pleasing their Master. And although I want to please Master – that usually is not my first thought.

At times when I submit, I internally struggle even though externally I obey. I obey because I am owned and serve Master. And those are my first thoughts….to obey, to serve because I am owned. And Master is pleased that I obey and serve Him – so yes I am pleasing but it is not my focus.

I think I am being clear as mud.

In the past, those joyous submission type of posts bothered me because a lot of the time they are so hearts and flowers – like living in that land of joyous submission means you live on Cloud 9 all the time. And well, I believe that would be difficult to do when living within reality (which Master and I try very hard to stay grounded in reality).

While Master and I talked I said why would someone want to fall that hard – as being so high on Cloud 9 makes the highs very high but it also makes the lows very low. So the fall from that high would be hard. And He asked me to explain that more.

Basically I said to that to put pleasing their Owner that high up that it makes the fall very hard when their expectations are not met.

So there was the aha-moment for me.

I don’t put pleasing first because I am scared of the expectations I create by putting so much focus on pleasing. I trip myself up when using pleasing as a main focus because my expectations on myself as a slave become obsessive. And the expectations are driven by the obsession. So, it becomes a vicious cycle.

Background – Don – my first M/s relationship even though those words were never used. He enslaved me in a way that did not give time to think about pleasing. He taught me to please him by obeying and serving. He did not drive me into obsessing about what, how and why to please. He trained me to serve and obey – enslaving me to him through training (for a lack of a better word).

So the next formal D/s relationship I was in came after the age of the internet where all the submissives online talked about pleasing and the beautiful gift of submission.

Enter my first 24/7 D/s. I was there to please my Dominant. And I knocked myself out doing it…literally. I worked hard to please him 24/7. Because I was knocking myself out trying to please him (without really being told how to please him) – I became obsessed. Everything I did – I did over the top because what if he did not want iced tea after work – maybe he wanted orange pop – no maybe root beer. What if he wanted something different for dinner? What if …what if. I had to have every possible thing that could please him – in my mind – ready. So, I obsessed and in the end questioned if I was submissive because it was such hard work to please someone 24/7. I thought others did it….and got joy from it. But it just felt so tiring to me. It felt like I was not me. I ended up falling hard – becoming so tired and burnt out with submission as I literally would lay awake at night thinking of what was next in what I thought pleasing him should be. I thought pleasing meant I couldn’t express opinions because it was not the same as his and in my mind that meant obviously it would not please him that I had different thoughts. I did not express feelings, thoughts or ideas as anything that might be negative - and negative equaled not pleasing in my mind.

I finally broke down. I see it now – I had a nervous breakdown. At the time we did not say that out loud. But that is what happened because I became so obsessed and tired.

Okay so we never recovered really from that….we tried. (This was not the only problem in the relationship but it was one and in all of the relationship – the tone had been set to have very high - highs and very low – lows.
Those were so a part of us – that we did not know how to act with each other in any other manner. And all my relationships after this had variations of the obsessing. Even when I met Master – we had them to a some extent – but I can see where with Master – there was a recognition – a knowledge that this time it was different and so I think I was able to relax and let go - start growing beyond the obsession.

Master helped me slow down – relax and let go – so that I just serve without focusing on pleasing. Because the serving although I had to learn a lot of it…there was an instinct/awareness of what to look for and how to serve. It was not something I had to think about – or obsess about. So, with Master I was able to let go of that pleasing as a focus and just serve. And in a way they are the same thing. But for me one can cause negative reactions and the other brings out calmness in me.

So back to the joyous submission….I don’t feel joyous submission in focusing on pleasing because I am not really being me. I am being a false me. The one that I thought a dominant wanted. So while I envy that feeling that a person gets from pleasing – I would not want to focus on pleasing as it not being me.

Obeying and serving are my focus.

Will I still envy that divine submission? Yes, but at the same time I don’t want it. I want something and I think I associate that divine submission with that. But I am not there yet.

What I can embrace and be happy about is serving is being me. It is there without even trying, worrying, obsessing or even at times thinking. It feels good and natural.

And Master is happy with my service.