Spilling Milk

I am not sure why it is the little things that slip me up so much….things that should not matter that get under my skin…

So I posted a couple weeks ago elsewhere....
When you do something that is a slip up or accident as a submissive and your Dominant says -- "Don't do that" or "Be more careful" -- what goes through your mind? Because - at times – I get upset with it. It feels like when a kid spills their milk and a parent says, "why did you do that?" – making it seem like the kid did it on purpose. And when I slip up or it is just an accident I did not do it on purpose. And logically I know Master is just telling me to be more careful. Because obviously most of the time.... accidents or slips ups can be prevented with more attentativeness.

Then in the replies...
It was brought up that if the dominant said something like that -- it would show she/he was displeased. And that they don’t want to displease their dominant. (which I don’t but that is usually not my first thought – which I kind of got into in a previous post.)

For me when Master says something like that -- the tone in which He says it -- does not really display displeasure with me or what I did. It is more - just kind of matter-of-fact. So if I just spilled milk, I don't feel like I am displeasing him and just think I am human. I find that a little strange I don’t think about Him possibly being displeased?

Mostly it just bothers me that if I have just “spilled milk” (whatever the accident was) to be told, “Don’t do that” or “Be careful” -- because well….it seems like a duh moment to me. I can’t find other words at the moment to convey that in a “better” way. I am an adult. I know He does not want me to “spill milk” – heck I don’t want to spill milk either as most likely I am the one that has to fix it or deal with it – so I know I need to be more careful.

It sort of comes back to – I slip up and right away I am internally beating up on myself for it. So it is hard to hear Master say something about it, as it just confirms all those words going on in my head – confirms that I should be beating up on myself.

I try hard not to beat up on myself so much -- just move on – know what I need to do fix it -- so then when He says that I tend to beat up on myself more. So maybe it is because I have displeased Him? But really it does not feel like that. And again I don’t think about displeasing Him – it is more along the lines of I just can’t do anything right – or I am a failure. Twisted strange thoughts.

But after a discussion with Master about it – I understand where he is coming from better even though it still bothers me a little bit. Because it is almost a rhetorical statement/question…He says it because He knows I will correct it – thus He does not say or do more with it. He knows I don’t spill the milk or whatever it was – on purpose. And basically Him saying “don’t do that” or “be careful,” is a way to acknowledge that he noticed and although it was an accident – he still does not have to like it. I understand that.

What I don’t like with these small things is that it is so me oriented. It is about what I feel and what I think should go on. It is silly that I get so attached to what I want to happen.

Such as….this is what I said in reply to someone….
When the spilled milk thing happens though for me my first thought is I am human and I did not do it on purpose. And actually him knowing me how he does should know...when things like that happen I go through a self-check mode to see if I was not being attentive enough and how to correct it - and usually I do. So being "scolded" for it usually just annoys me…yes me...the slave can get annoyed!

I bolded the should because that is what I noticed first when re-reading that. It gave me one of those “uggghh damn it how long does it take me to get it right moments.” I am not sure why but I don't like it when I am come to self-realizations that are well things that I should have seen or known by now.

So what I don’t like about what I said is…..Master should know. Really logically I know it does not matter if He should know -- as He still has the right to say what He wants to say. And it is not about me – how I wanted Him to handle the situation. It is about what happens and how I deal with it. Externally when it happens, I just deal but it churns inside me. That is why I started to write about it so I could get the feeling out and maybe realize why or what happen.

I don’t know why the small things trip me up. I do know that I need to accept that Master says what He says in those moments because He feels it is appropriate. I need to learn to deal internally as well as externally.

Do I still wish Master would not say those things to me when I “spill milk”? Yes I wish He wouldn’t. But of course my reality is He can damn well say what He wants. And more importantly He feels it is appropriate and so I need to learn to accept that. I need to learn a way to tell myself and HEAR it -- that He has that right to say what He said.

I just wish I would not get so tripped on the small things. Because in the scope of things it is small.