YAY YAY YAY!

Master called and is leaving in just a few minutes so that means he will be home around 4:00/4:30 instead of 9:30/10pm

Which means I can plan a few other surprises for him....like a candlelight dinner and dressed differently since he won't be coming home and collapsing into bed right away. Woohoo!

Maybe I should make bread....hmm what else what else....dinner needs to change now too....get the wine chilling.....okay I need to get busy now!

Bondage

These questions were found via Hardcore Romance.

What do you get out of bondage? Feeling the hands & rope sliding over my body arouses me. It makes me feel floaty happy because I can't move, can't do anything which just slows everything down and makes me empty all the things that are racing through my brain and just be.

Do you prefer rope or restraints or cuffs? I prefer ropes - Master prefers cuffs and chains. But he does like rope more then he used to! yay for me!

Do you like being poked or prodded or rubbed or licked or penetrated while bound? just depends on the situation - sometimes the mood has been set just to float in the bounds of the rope and other times it set to be exposed and prodded or maybe exposed for some pain.

How do you feel while bound? Safe, scared, aroused, thrilled, excited, or all of the above. Again it is really what the situation creates...sets the mood....almost always arousal is involved but also other emotions with that. I have felt thrilled and scared before. And I almost always feel safe in rope.

Have you every tied yourself up and masturbated? no

If you don’t like bondage why? I love bondage so not applicable to me!

It's FRIDAY! yay!

Master comes home tonight!

It will be late but I am just happy he will be home! He has to go back just for a few days next week so I will be going with him.

The house is clean. I have to wash the kitchen floor though and I might change the sheets on the bed even though I just changed them Tuesday. Oh and I need new towels out in the bathrooms.

I would really love to know what mop people us in their homes? Do you like your mop?

I HATE the mop. I do better getting on my hands and knees and washing the floor but my knees really do have problems taking that.

I am trying to decide if I should make some brownies or something for Master. Tomorrow he has fantasy football draft so I know he will be sitting at his computer for most of the day. I have stuff for nachos to be made and maybe brownies would be good as they are his favorite. While I was out the other day, I got him a little present too (which was a very odd experience being out and buying something without asking - I knew he would be okay with me buying what I was though since it was just a few little things) I also got a couple more things that I am going to save for stocking stuffers - my first purchases for the holidays. The same day I called him while he was out shopping. I said, "what are you shopping for?" And he said "nothing" which is code for "it is something for you." Later he told me that he was getting something for me.

I am SO excited he will be home! yay! yay! Doing a little dance in my chair right now! Little tingles of happiness!

I started in on a topic that I have been thinking about quite a bit this week....and that is why I have such dark heavy SM thoughts when Master is out of town. But I started rambling and not making much sense so cutting it from the entry but I did save it so I can maybe look at it later this afternoon or this weekend.

Well I am going to go do my daily chores and the few extra I want to do...oh and make brownies. Now wondering if I should go get some ice cream and hot fudge. Brownie sundaes are one of Master's favorite desserts. I will ponder that while doing my chores.

Oh yes...more on titles and honorifcs

Recently there was a discussion on titles and honorific over at kaya's journal...there were several posts...(1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6)

I have an essay on our website about this subject - it was in response to really thinking about why and when I use them. And then I also wrote about it in my blog - but it also goes into how I feel when someone else calls Master by a title and when someone other then Master calls me by a "pet" name.

But here are a few of my comments over on kaya's journal...edited slightly for wordiness and clarification...

My standing order: If I feel compelled to call someone Sir or Ma`am...ask that dominant if it is okay to address them by an honorific. Master doesn't like me to assume to know what a dominant wants or prefers.

Being polite is just good manners...dom, sub, vanilla...to a stranger or to family or friends. But I also don't feel calling someone Sir or Ma`am is more polite or right then calling them by their name. It is how you say it that is polite not the title.

I wasn't raised to say Ma`am or Sir. And so it feels awkward coming out of me so I feel that people would notice that and feel I am being unfriendly or saying it sarcastically because isn't a natural word. But that said I am still be polite without using Sir or Ma`am.

I have been in the public scene quite awhile and I know my view of Sir and Ma`am were colored by those that "insist" on being called Master so and so. And again for me if I feel the title ready to come out naturally I would rather have it come out that way instead of forced because it isn't real to me then. It would feel fake or like a game to me. I also feel calling every dominant for me Sir or Ma`am would make it less special and genuine for those that I really feel it with. It isn't really respect for me either. I can think of a dominant I don't respect. I can't stand what he stands for...but Sir comes out naturally with him. And I asked if I could call him Sir and he was fine with it and so he gets Sir every time I see him even though I don't like him.

I also have been told that by dominants before that they would be offended if I insisted or even presumed to call them by a title. I think it was in Laura Antoniou's workshop at Thunder one year she said that she doesn't like it when others call her Ma`am or Sir without her permission. She said it feels like that person's Dominant is trying to enforce their rules on her. And she doesn't like to be topped without consent. (I am paraphrasing of course as that was several years ago when I heard her speak.)

SM during my Period?

This is talking about my period....and erotic and SM thoughts with it too but will contain talk of blood.

I had my period a few weeks ago. One day during it I was standing in the bathroom ready to get in the shower so naked. Master came in to tell me something and we chatted about it for just a few minutes. He then looked me up and down and at the floor...there was a puddle of blood on the floor and blood running down my legs. Master had that look on his face....that look of a sadist thinking wicked thoughts. My mind didn't catch up at that time as I just was fed up with my period so I actually didn't notice/recall his reaction until a few days later. It just is that after a few heavy days of bleeding I am ready for it to be done - especially since mine usually come with migraines and severe cramping so it took a while for my brain to say "hey Master was turned on by that." But to tell the truth playing - SM type of play - with my period didn't sound fun...so even though I could picture that glint in Master's eye did't mean I would be happy if we did play.....that is how it started at least...

Since that moment of realizing it turned him on...as well with all things I of course start thinking about it....and thinking about it...and thinking about it. Just like when my friend mentioned shaving my head. At first I was horrified and then it turned me on and I thought about it all the time.

And the same has come with my period.

I don't mind sex during my period. But at times I have old baggage comes up making me "feel bad." My ex-husband couldn't stand the sight of blood. He barely gave me hugs or kisses during the week of my period. No snuggling usually and probably would have liked to sleep separately during it. He had no problem being in the bathroom with me the other 3 weeks of the month but during my period he stayed away. Yet he would take blow jobs everyday. He would put a porn in the vcr (before dvd players), sit on the couch and call me to him. I would kneel before him giving him a blow job while he watched porn. And I was pushed away after he came. He didn't touch me during the blow job. Oh occasionally he would tit fuck me. But most of the time he had me just give him a blow job fully dressed. So.....after that.....I have had a few hang ups about my period and sex.

Most of the other men I have been involved with have not had a problem having sex during my period. And when it is not in its heavy phase I like it too...during my heavy bleeding it just hurts too much...not a good pain. But during the first few days or last couple days...it feels very good. And usually during my period I am horny so I really wanting to be fucked.

Master knows that I have had past problems with sex during my period because of my ex-husband so at times he sees that look in my face and my body tense when he uses me during that time of the month. It bothers him that my ex made me feel so bad about it and he at times just backs away during that time of the month. And I then of course feel guilty.

But on the occasion that I was standing in the bathroom he didn't hid his desire. Looking at his face was clear he was thinking very sadistic thoughts. I don't know those thoughts for sure because well I didn't catch on until later and by that time...well he has been out of town so just never brought it up. (Probably will be discussing it after he reads this post though huh?) But since catching on...and since he has been gone I have been masturbating quite a bit so one day my thoughts when to...him using and abusing me during my period.

My thoughts range from just being fucked hard and having blood all over him and me after. To more kind of darker object kind of fantasies yet I do wonder how those fantasies would make me feel considering when I was with my ex - it was like I was an object during my period. The thoughts are of heavy sm - bruises from punching & being kicked, constant welts and cuts from being caned so much, hood (and in this form it aligns with Master's view of a hood more then mine*), hobbled or even more so all the chains that connect from wrists to collar to waist to ankles - making it harder to move, naked (and yes I mean naked), stuck in the closet for long periods of time, not allow a shower (normally I shower at times 2 times a day during my period) and eating out of the dog dish and at time only being allowed to eat once day. I think every dark thought I have ever had has popped into my head these last 2 weeks while masturbating but it all centers around use and abuse during my period.

Now again...reality....what would the emotional and physical affects of being used so hard during my period? That of course is the rub for me and that usually stops me from vocalizing many thoughts that go through my head. But the thoughts are there and very strong intense images that hang on all day long....making me wet and that deep craving at the core isn't keeping very quiet now.

(* the hood is normally a very safe place that sends me into a nice just blackness that makes me float....Master likes hoods because he looks and sees and object or his "thing" without identity. I am purely his property in that moment with no name or use outside of what he wants to do to me. Blog entry on hoods includes pictures of me in a few hoods.)

Consent Counts

Consent Counts is a group trying to form discussion to find real language and experiences to help decriminalize consent. If you run a munch or BDSM/leather group you might want to check out their discussion materials/resources.

TMI Tuesday....

1. Have you ever called in sick to have sex? yes when I was in high school and when I was with my ex-husband.
2. Do you feel "entitled" to sex when you are in a relationship? unfortunately yes at times I do.
3. Have you ever dated/married purely for money? no
4. Have you ever, of your own free will, had sex with someone you didn't really want to? Why? well as an escort that happened a few times. For the most part I liked most of the guys though. But outside of that yes I have had sex with men I didn't want to a few times. Why? A couple times because of the relationships I have been in....I was ordered too. A few other times because at that time in my life....I just felt "obligated." I don't like that I did that but that was the truth of that time for me.
5. Name three words that make you squirm: "mine" of course said by Master, shorn, golden shower

Bonus (as in optional): Have you ever had sex with a relative (cousin, inlaw...)? no but my ex-brother-in-laws - both of them flirted with me often.

Home Corners

I think it was my last birthday when I got this box from my Mom...it had all sorts of things in it but my favorite was the items in the photos. They are my Great Grandmothers...she made them. My Dad's Grandmother split up all of the items and gave each of us girls (she has 8 grand children that are girls).

I don't use the items although I would like to. I don't use them because I don't want to ruin them.

Common Life

I have been surprised that to be so alone in my thoughts I haven't really spiraled into tangents or bad places. Okay well I have had some introspective ponderings but nothing that just makes me spin. Maybe having a week long migraine helped me not go out of control. For the most part I have just kind of been going through motions of daily life - doing daily chores, preparing some food for freezer meals, making icons, doing emails, playing with the cats, reading but my brain is really turned off this time.

So my ponderings....I feel very different about my service to Master then I did a year ago. I think it has become a part of my life and it isn't very mindful. It is just so common to me that my muscles and brain know what and where to go. And on some things I don't think that is a bad thing but for more things I would like it to be a little more feeling attached to the action.

I am missing Master like crazy. And can't wait until he gets home so I can have some hugs and kisses!

As I have said in another post I have a thing for Dress shirts and ties...so everyday I ask Master what he is wearing! I feel like a horny net geek! Because I really do think about him in dressed in the shirt and tie he tells me he is wearing while I masturbate. Yes I am a silly girl!

hmmm what else...

I watched The Passion of Ayn Rand last night. I have read Ayn Rand's books and some essays on her philosophies but never about her life. This movie is based on a book by someone who was very close to her for a long while. And I am surprised a little bit by it all. But intrigued too. I ended up looking up all the main characters name and they have websites and read more about what happened. It was all very interesting. I would like to read the book the movie was based on as well as another book that was written about the same time period.

Quote from the movie and it is a partial real quote from what Ayn really said...

"

To be happy is the moral purpose of your life...the man must have the woman who reflects his deepest vision of himself and in her surrender is his happiness...and the woman must worship the hero.

"

The sex between her and Nathan seems a little umm rough. And there is a point at the beginning of the movie where she says to her husband "must you always be gentle and ask my permission" and he rips her dress from her.

I never read

The Fountainhead

but really liked Atlas Shrugged. So adding

The Fountainhead

to my reading list. One of my best therapists was named after a character in Atlas Shrugged. She actually didn't like that she was though. She didn't like the character. I was one of the few people that asked her if she was named after the character - it surprised her when I asked.

I am reading a book that is actually kind of scaring me. I love vampire books but this one hasn't even really shown me a vampire but the talk of Dracula - the fear that the author is portraying I can really feel. And after I read a few chapters I end up having to read my art magazines for a little bit to shake the feelings. I can't stop reading it but probably not the book to be reading while Master is out of town and I am alone in the house with creaks. The book is

The Historian

by Elizabeth Kostova.

I am going to go change out laundry and vacuum. I have 2 posts started one my period, sex and sm. And then the other about being lower in the household then the kitty cats - that is because of a question kaya asked me over on her journal.

Positive Monday

5 Good Things in my Life...
1. Mail Love...I got a puffy envelope full of all different kinds of tea and a beautiful handmade card from my wonderful friend C. Thank you so much! That was so sweet of you!
2. A perfect day for tea as it is rainy and cloudy...so about to go brew some.
3. Being able to help Master from afar even with things I have never done before.
4. A clean worktable....and the desire and time to create...and for encouragement from Master to go for it.
5. Opportunities that have been created in something I did last week...so many wonderful things are coming from it.

I am very thankful for all those things....and more. I have a friend that ends her gratitude posts with "and recognize that I am grateful for so much more." And I truly feel that way too.

Dream of a House

When I was just married or just before, I started having a dream of a house. My house was a safe place....it always felt warm, happy and safe. The house is a normal house really. It had a kitchen and family room that were all one big room and then a living room and dining room in the front of part of the house, upstairs were bedrooms and then a basement with a rec room (and at times a playroom). The house had various people in it with me over the years. It kind of changes to who I am with. It was just whoever was stuck in my head at the time that appeared in the dream. I can see clear moments of the dream. Jim and I in the bathroom off the master bedroom talking before going to dinner with friends. Brian one of my first loves sitting at drafting table drawing. Remember Danny and I in bed with neckties still tied to the headboard (Danny was a man I was involved with right after Jim). When I was in Germany, I had dreams where Honey's son was a teenager. He came in and I was in the kitchen cutting up some fruit. He was talking about school and then asked me to sign a permission slip for him to play football.

In the dream of the house there is also a renovated barn on the property. It contains my art studio and always has even when I wasn't doing art. It actually contained a lot more of the reality of me - books that are on my bookshelves were in the art studio, my little things I have sitting around. There is 2 levels and the top level is my art studio. The bottom had been kind of a storage area until involved with another artist Lauren. I had a dream where I created the bottom level of the barn into her studio. I let some people into my studio but not her. She did not come upstairs but she was in the barn and maybe that is not significant but it felt like it was.

When I started dating Todd, my house felt cold and empty. And he would show up in my dreams of the house but didn't make it past the porch. We would sit on the porch and talk but he not ever in the house. When I found out he left Cleveland, I had a dream of him that night...Todd was sitting on the porch and I was in the house standing in the kitchen. I had a pain shoot through me and I knew it was him. I was trying to get the front door to catch him but it hurt too much. When I got the porch he was already way out in the field next to a tree in the distance. He turned around and looked at me. And turned and kept walking. I stood on the porch a while. I sat in the chair on the porch just rocking. Just staring. I then got up and put my hand on the door to walk in and that is when I woke up.

For a long time after I didn't dream of the house. And when I finally did I was alone in the house....walking around it felt very empty...just me. I did not feel sad in the dream. I did not feel alone really either it was just weird...it was empty, like I was looking at the house with different eyes maybe. I would pick up things and just run my fingers over them and they felt different....they looked different... not like they were new though but they changed…were different. A friend and I talked about that was because I was still grieving/healing from my relationship with Todd.

After him I never dreamed of the house like I did before. It just felt very distant. And I also now don't remember them clearly....I mean I wake up knowing I dreamed of it but I can't really remember it as I once did.

I like girls

When I was little, I did not get that it wasn't accepted to be with or attracted to the opposite sex . I just thought it was not talked about like sex wasn't talked about. But I remember clearly being attracted to both men and women at a very young age. I just never said it out loud. As I got older approaching my teens, I still don't think I knew it was not accepted, but I tended to have crushes on males. When I entered high school, I then had crushes on girls and boys but never really named what I was feeling for girls as a crush. The first time I acted on feelings with a girl was at a slumber party. And it was because of truth or dare - she sensed I had a crush on her and dared me to go into the next bedroom with her and do what she told me. (We just kissed nothing more.) I had not told anyone about my desires for women up to that point because by high school I realized it was not accepted to be attracted to both males and females.

My attraction to men has always been one of a power dynamic mixed with SM. I just did not know there was a name for what I was seeking with a man way back then. I would always want to be with men that took charge....didn't always find them but I can look back and see that is what I was seeking. But with women most of the time it has been a vanilla type of attraction but of course on the rare occasion I have been topped or dominated by a female. Okay yes sue me - I can read about my first experience with a girl - doing what she told me to do. Maybe I have a thing for power dynamics with men and women. It just seems that there are less women that I feel that with then men. Or that I am not really into vanilla men but I am into vanilla and lifestyle women. (something I would like to come back to and write about - is the place where women can fall in an in between place for me - they aren't girlfriends but they are a friend but more. Not talking a fuck buddy either - it has nothing to do with sex. It is just a closeness. My girlie will get it as it is the relationship I have with her - anyway - something I do want to come back to so that is why I am noting it here.).

I feel at times I am like a guy about sex - with men. But I am a woman when having sex with women. For me with men - sex can just be sex. It is fun and exciting but it can just be sex. I don't need to get to know them. I don't need to see them again but still have had a great time. But with women...it is so different for me. I need to get to know them before I would ever have sex with a woman or even take it to holding hands or kissing. I also usually tread carefully with women in bed....and usually feel unsure of myself for quite some time. I feel there is a difference for me because of intimacy. I feel a level of intimacy with women that I don't with men (usually). I still have problems with intimacy with women but I feel I can be vulnerable with women and they aren't going to walk away or be scared off. Most men I have been with can't handle the whole truth....just been my experience and I am not saying all men are like that. I am just saying this is how it has been for me.

So moving on....

Many of the women I have been had a big impact on my life....taught me about love in many different forms, beauty in myself, differences but same, intimacy and many other lessons.

One of them being...

Bug

- She had never been with a girl...really never had the thoughts of being with another woman but she found me attractive and desired me. She was a girl that served in the poly household with me and really the only one I desired out of all the girls he had. She was tall but so tiny that size 0 usually hung on her. She wore hardly any make up...just had this simple natural look. But she was just as comfortable in a pair of jeans as she was in high heels and mini skirt. And she looked good in everything she wore. Through her eyes I saw beauty in myself that I hadn't seen in a very long time. Through her I found I could have intimacy.

She and I took trips back to Kansas a few times together to get some of my things when Jim and I were starting to finalize the divorce. I really loved those times with Bug. We had so many romantic and fun times. My ex was going out of town and so we babysat Cali (the dog my husband and I had) while going through boxes and deciding what would go back to Ohio with me. We would turn the music up, drink some wine and dance wildly. You know that hair flying around kind of dancing. Her and Morgan were the only people I could do that with...just let go and not care if I looked like a dork or not. We would light candles in the bedroom at night and make the most sweet, tender and steamy love...touching and kissing all through the night.

We were really just so comfortable with each other. We were happy sitting watching a movie holding hands, cooking together, getting in deep discussions of life and death or lying in bed in flannel nightgowns, reading and knowing we were there together. I really do have a picture of her that is so clear it is like it was just yesterday - she is lying in bed in her flannel night gown, her glasses on and reading a book. I would stare at her and she would look over and give me this wonderful smile and tug on me to give her a kiss. And then back to reading....well most of the time back to reading.

I really miss her and think about her often. I lost touch with her because after she left the household I was forbidden to talk with her.

I have not been in a relationship with a woman for a very long time...several years....almost 5 I believe. And I do miss that closeness that I got in my relationships with women.

Ownership/Mastery

Sharing this quote from swan talking about her definitions of Owner and Master. Pease check out the whole post...

"He "owns" me in the sense that He has the right of possession over me, and He is my Master because He has the skills and knowledge that is required to manage the complex and challenging process of shaping, managing, and maintaining me (optimally) in His service."

Was it Good?

This was a question over on my livejournal in response to the bonus question for TMI Tuesday so thought I would share it and the answer here...

Was it GOOD sex? Was it as good as with someone who has had sex with you often enough that they know what moves ya? Was it good because their technique was good or was it good because of the whole "doin' ya within an hour of knowin' ya"?

One of the guys I was with - within an hour of meeting - was good! Was more then good! He was good because it was exciting just being that attracted to each other that we couldn't wait, it was good because he knew what I liked without me saying a word...and it was good because we just had so much fun with each other in and out of bed. We ended up being "fuck buddies" and friends for a while too but never boyfriend/girlfriend.

There were 2 other times I can think of that this happened and one was bad. The flirting and attraction was there but when we got to sex - he just wasn't that good. And at that point in my life I just wasn't vocal enough to tell him what would work good.

And the other he was good - we had fun - but what made it really exciting was that we had just met and felt it so went with it. It was the first time I had done that so I think it made it more exciting.

I do think most of the thrill comes from that I didn't know them that it was just attraction driving it.

Tony Ryan

I was over at Atlanta Bondage last night...I always enjoy the images he posts. He had one from Tony Ryan...and it brought me back years and years ago...1998 maybe 1999. I used to chat with Mr. Ryan - it is so funny because Master and I were just talking about him a few weeks ago when Master got a new palm....and yes Palm and Tony Ryan do connect for me but in a way that would take too long to explain - lol. Anyway, Tony Ryan and I were both on a B&W Erotic photo group. He enjoyed the images I shared and so we started emailing and then chatting via im. He used to have a website - Beauty-Reality but it has not been online for quite sometime. I wonder what happened to him. I see his photos from that time period on the web but nothing really past 2001.

(image by Tony Ryan - Nellie & Hannah - 1995)