danae

I am at Katrina’s…Moni and Katrina are busy, so I decided it was time to write. I have needed to very much today.

I did not sleep well on Friday night. I was in some pain from playing. I was in such pain that even masturbating hurt *blushing* Saturday evening I spent with Moni, Michael and Katrina. We went to see Ghostship. It was okay. I don’t like scary movies. It was not that scary…just some gross parts lol

Then today…today…I went to see M. We hung out and talked. He took me to this little town…I had never been there…it was very cute. We walked around and talked. We talked about many things – the main one being…where we are going. I asked him where he thought our relationship might end up. He told me he was good with how things are right now. 

The other thing we talked about was fear. I like feeling the fear, but it also creates panic which I don't like. I really now think it is just lack of control. I don’t know how far M will go. I mean I know he will not harm – damage – or permanently injure me, but I don’t know where he will bring me…as I know he can/will go further then I ever imagined. And that is scary but very exciting at the same time. I don’t have control with M. I feel totally out of control with him and I panic. I never have been totally out of control.

I have always had some control. Something that was mine…to control…some way to hang on that no one knew about. But with him he does not let me do that. He takes one thing away and then the next. And it feels like they are being ripped away from me.

But it is what I have always wanted…so why do I hang on so?

We talked about the other day…when we played. It showed me how out of control I am with him. It is very scary but also feels so good at the same time.

I just stopped to talk to Moni and Katrina about this next concept. Moni understood it…I had not been explaining it right but when she used an example…it is what I had meant.

There are men that compel me or inspire me to submit to them. But I get something from them to make me feel submissive. It is give and take kind of thing. There are men who I submit to where is a conscious choice of me serving or submitting. But with M…it is something totally different that I have not experienced before. I just do it. I don’t think about it. I don’t “feel” submissive and thus serve. I just do it. I just serve him because he is who he is…he does not need to do anything. He does not have to work to compel me. He does not have to grab my hair or order for me or beat me (even though I love it when he does those things). We can be walking and talking in a little town and I just serve him…just want to serve him.

I just submit…as if my muscles don’t know anything else…don’t have a choice. It is not even a choice it just is…it is just life. It is just being me and him being him.

I hope that is making sense.

I am having an issue with M…something else he and I talked about extensively today. And I hope that my time in Detroit helps me think about it and get some perspective…on what I need to do about it.

Oh btw I am for sure leaving this week for Detroit. :)

Right now I am not stressing about Detroit but I am sure I will get to a point of being nervous. I am going to help a friend but I am serving a D/s household. It is a household 24/7 – 365 days. My friend’s Master intimidates me also. I know why…I put her up on a pedestal as I have submitted to her. And then she is his slave so…you know he is up above her. I don’t think I could do what she does always. But I will get a little taste of her life. And I am sure it will be quite the learning experience for me.

M…again today we were just hanging out and he was dominant always. It is definitely not a role for him. He and I talked about my role…something I talk about some in my journal…is being nothing.

I want to be nothing so much. I want to be brought down…so that I am nothing. I want to feel…that when M calls me worthless…it is true. I want to know it and not fight it. Every time he calls me worthless my cunt just twitches with excitement and it bothers me that I get so turned on with the names he calls me.

He does not want it to be role I put on…I understand that…because I have wanted that for a very long time.

So how can one believe they are worthless and valuable at the same time? Hmmm good question…but I think it is possible.

I know M looks at me as nothing. But he also values and respects me. He views me as an intelligent woman. It just is how it is…and he does make me feel all those things…valued and like nothing also.

I don’t think my words are coming out very well.

I walk away from him…knowing I am nothing, but feeling on top of the world. I appreciate the time he gives me…maybe even more since LDR stuff never seems to work these days. And so that time is precious.

I want to be nothing. I want to have all the layers shed off so I am nothing. Not that I am not valued. M finds value in me. And even respects me (another talk we had today). But so all the things I am for everyone else…are gone…and the only thing left is me…that needs to be nothing.

I really need to find better words to describe this state of being I feel I need to get to – to be myself.

Moni today cautioned me. And I heard what she had to say and am keeping it on the surface to examine.

Todd has popped up in dreams lately and also conversations. And there is a reason for that. I just hope it is not the reason that would make Moni’s cautions correct.

I have thought of Nick lots today also. I wanted to call him several times but held myself back. Why? Because…I can’t do that right now.

I need to get to bed. I have lots to do before I go to Detroit.