BDSM Play Parties: Part 2 of 3 - Hosting

When a former dominant and I decided to have a party we would send out invites for play parties via email and also attach a list of house rules and what we expected.  Once people rsvp'd we sent them a contact phone number, our address and a map.

Here is an example of our house rules....again every house or dungeon might have different rules this is just an example of ours. 

House Rules
* RSVP - we need a number for drinks and such.  If you are going to arrive late, please let us know. (Reason for them letting us know if they were getting there late is because at the beginning of each party we go over the rules again and some additional things that are too complicated to explain in writing such as cleaning certain furniture if using it to play. We wanted to make sure we had people that could explain those things to them when they arrived in case my dominant and I were playing at the time.)
* Arrive in street clothes - but feel to change when inside or strip down to naked. Just keep it vanilla when you are outside our home
* No touching other people without consent.  No touching others toys without asking.  We will have toys out that are available for use, but please clean and put them back after using.
* Be responsible for your play. We aren't going to police you so if you are playing with someone new, please make sure you negotiate and decide how you are going to stop a scene by either using good old fashioned communication or a safe word.
* Be aware of noise. No need to keep your screams muffled, but also no need to scream your head off and get the cops called on us.
* Be aware of others playing around. Keep conversation and socializing to the designated areas
* If wanting privacy before, during, or after play - close the door to the room.  But please keep in mind people might be waiting for the space so don't be a hog.
* Speaking of pigs, clean up after yourself.  We have anti-bacterial wipes in all the rooms, wipe down toys and equipment.  All other areas will be explained at party on cleaning procedures.
* Sex is allowed, but rules will be explained at party.  We have condoms, lube and some sex toys available for use.  Clean up will be explained at party. 
* We have a house first aid kit and will show you where it is when at the party
* Smoking only allowed on patio.
* No drugs or drinking alcohol allowed
* What happens at the play party stays at the play party. Please no sharing names and details of who and what was going on at the party. 
* Bring a snack to share. Paper plates, napkins, utensils, and drinks provided. (sometimes we would order pizza or cake if there was a birthday around the time of party and we would include that on this that they bring a snack, but pizza or cake would be provided)

So I just typed that up from memory....it has been more than 10 years since I hosted a party, but I think I got the major ones.  We had to put that drugs and alcohol on there as someone showed up drunk wanting to play and was doing inappropriate touching. He was just rude and loud to all our guests as well.  I know it is big in most community settings to not use drugs or drink while playing.  We really didn't have a problem with someone having a beer with dinner and coming to our party and playing. It was when they showed up drunk that it started to change the way we hosted.

What happens at the play party stays at the play party happened after attending our party some people would say something to someone who had not been invited and then that person would be butthurt and write my dominant or me upset.  I have a blog obviously I like to share so when I went to parties or whatnot I would say I went to a party, but not say who or what happened except for me.  I really had no problem someone saying on their blog they went to a party. They just needed to know what they were going to say who hosted the party and be okay with saying I am not allowed to say for privacy.

One that I would now add that there was no need for when I hosted parties is turn cell phones on vibrate/silent, no photos and no video recording.  I know it is in this day and age, we are photographed and video recorded all over the place in the vanilla world, but having our photos taken in the BDSM world still can damage careers and relationships with vanilla family and friends.

The Space....We lived in a large 3 bedroom - 2 bathroom apartment. Our kitchen was set up for drinks, then we had dining room with a table set with snacks.  People could help themselves to snacks throughout the evening.

We had a big square living area that had a dining room in one corner, a home office in another corner and then a living room area and reading area. In our home office area, we did have an area for play, but it was understood that they would be near the designated social area.  People liked that area if they wanted to just have some light play with laughter. The living area was social and the reading area I had a wax station set up.  I had crock pots with wax sitting on low table and then an area with plastic and layers of comforters covered with plastic again and then an old sheet over that.

We had 3 bedroom, usually all 3 were available, but occasionally there was only 2.  One room was our "dungeon" - it had a stool, a chair and a portable/collapsible saw horse in it. It also had a shelving unit that had toys in bins and hanging from it. The other 2 were set as bedrooms. One bedroom was my dominant's and had a king size bed that had all sorts of attachment points around it. At the end of the bed, I had a several layers of flat sheets folded over so that people could pull up and use to lay on and then strip off after they were done.  He also a dresser that had these loop drawer pulls that were good for bondage attachment and we usually put a a little bench I had in there too.  The third bedroom had a full size bed in it and a chair.   That bedroom we had set up for those that wanted to have sex mixed in their play.  I had a basket of condoms, dental dams, gloves (for fisting/fingering) and lube.  I also had sex toys that were toys that could be shared as they could be cleaned with bleach or sterilized. I asked that a condom be put on them though for added protection. I had those toys in a basket too. I had stack of towels and a stack of twin flat sheets. I picked up a bunch of twin flat sheets at Good Will - some even had smurfs and cartoon characters on them.

Someone using that room would take a sheet off the pile, put it down on the bed, add towels if they squirted, and then go about their business.  After they would throw sheets and towels into the laundry basket, throw condoms and wrappers into the waste basket, and if they used toys, I asked they wipe them off with a wipe and put in another basket I had next to the dirty laundry so that I could clean them properly after.  If anyone saw a toy in there they wanted to play with I had been known to clean them right then for them.

I stated in this post that, we had toys out that people could use.  We did, it was mostly just homemade things or dollar tree pervertables.  We did allow people to use some of our nicer toys, but we liked if they asked.  We never had this happen, but I know it happened at some other parties - toys being stolen.  So having your toys put away or not loaned out is quite common.

At our play parties, we usually got the ball rolling with some play because it seemed to help get things moving in that direction.

After people play, they would usually EAT! It made us all hungry. So we always had snacks, but sometimes adding in pizza, big sub sliced up, or hot wings. One time, I had nacho bar.  We always had a bowl of some type of chocolate and a variety of drinks. Drinks included water, soda (usually coke, diet coke and sprite), and coffee as often people weren't leaving until the wee hours and some had 45 min to hour drive home.

Hosting a play party can sound like a lot of work, but really having people contribute to it makes it easier on you. Have people bring snacks.  Ask those that have portable equipment to bring some. If you want more equipment, have a building party and get some people together to make some. Make it as easy as you can on yourself.  I really enjoyed hosting as well as attending play parties in Cleveland. Here in our smaller community we haven't had much experience with them and it takes Master and I significant amount of time to feel comfortable around others that we would even play at a party.  Sharing that bond we have with others can be hard at times - it is very intimate and can make you feel exposed.  I doubt Master and I will ever host a party - only because our own home just doesn't have the room.

If you are wanting to be invited to a local private party, then all I can say is be patient and get to know people like you would any other time making friends and sharing experiences. Part 3 - will address questions to ask before attending a play party or things that might happen at a play party to ease your mind before you go to one.

[Part 1 of 3]

BDSM Play Parties Part 1 of 3

I had someone ask me recently what it is like to go to a BDSM play party. When I lived in Cleveland, I went to quite a few play parties as well as hosted many too. So thought I would talk about them a bit. Of course this is just from my own experiences and I know everywhere is different and has different ideas and rules.

So let's start with what a play party actually is...it is a party where kinky people engage in kinky play. It can be a more organized event type party such as when I lived in Cleveland, a local group had their meeting and then a play party after at a local dungeon.  Dungeons often have lots of equipment such as spanking benches, St. Andrew's crosses, cages, tables for bondage and other devious torture.  They sometimes have areas designed for blood sports or water play, but I found that most of the play parties didn't allow those things.  The dungeon rented the space out for private sessions to do those things, but in a big group they didn't want to be liable for fluids spattering on someone.  Also usually no sex at public dungeon spaces even when rented by a private party such as the local BDSM group because that can come across as selling sex when you pay to get into the dungeon.

Some play parties are just local fetish nights at a bar or dance club.  They might have a dresscode and won't usually allow for nudity. They will have a limited area of play and often have performers as entertainment.  They don't often allow for many things that the dungeons don't - such as sex, blood play or water sports.   

Private play parties are held in homes.  I attended many that were held in private homes as well as hosted play parties in my home. My former dominant and I  didn't have equipment, but some private home play parties do have equipment and an actual space laid out as a dungeon. Such as one private home that I went to for a party had their whole basement set up as a dungeon. They had several play areas laid out  with equipment, toys hanging around on the walls, and then they had a bathroom for clean up after play or for water sports.

Many of the private home play parties I went too, maybe had one or two pieces of equipment if that, but had chairs, stools, beds, couches and other such normal everyday furniture available for use in whatever creative way you wished. Our play parties usually just utilized our furniture. We did have a friend that had a portable St. Andrew's cross - so sometimes he would bring that. 

Many of the private home play parties didn't involve sex either. Some did, but the majority of the ones I went to didn't have sex allowed. Mostly I think that was because you are going to be fucking, sucking or whatever on their everyday furniture and they don't want fluids on them.  It wasn't that we are were prudes and didn't enjoy sex with our BDSM - it was that "hey you are on my couch without pants and cum spurting out of your dick."  The play parties I hosted with my former dominant, did allow for sexual activity to happen at times, but usually just one room of our home. (I will describe that set up in part 2)

When we had parties, we only invited close friends and usually kept it to a certain number of people just so everyone could have time to play.  Some people ended up getting their feelings hurt when we didn't invite them. Some people take it very personally and I get how it can be personal.  Why someone and not someone else might be invited, but I will say the people hosting the party need to be the ones comfortable with inviting people into their homes. Being in their personal space with photos of their kids on the wall, neighbors walking their dogs past and so on can be outside of a comfort zone. It is a very personal intimate thing to be invited into a home.

Our parties often ended up being about numbers. We didn't want it too big and it was hard to pick and choose who could come. I had a group of very good friends in Cleveland so they were what I will call my tribe.  But when we invited the tribe to our parties - we right away had 10 people so it didn't leave a lot left on who else could invite even though there were many times I wanted others too.

I will say that there were a few people I didn't invite until after knowing them for several years.  I know it easy to not feel slighted, but just to try to remember it takes time to get to know someone and invite them into your personal space.  Especially when you are opening your home up for such intimate activities.

Part 2 will describe what happened when I hosted parties: house rules, areas of play, clean up, sex areas, and a few other little things.

I'm Shy

I am shy.  Not sure all people that read this blog or know me in person - actually have recognized this about me.  I am a very shy person.  I have some social anxiety before going out into a group of a people and needing to be social.

I love being social and need it in my life to feel balanced. When I lived in Cleveland, I had a great group of friends and we did things on our own weekly almost, but we also had BDSM community stuff to do weekly. But even then - with those extremely good friends, I still had anxiety before going out and being social.  It is less than if meeting complete strangers, but still there.

When we are walking into a group of people I don't know, I am also extremely quiet.  I will speak and interact, but I probably won't leave Master's side.  But if you hear me with friends, I am laughing, joking, talking and interacting. But you know what, I probably still won't leave Master's side.  He becomes my anchor when anxieties rear their ugly head. 

I know some people take that shyness to be arrogance or aloofness, but honestly it is just me being nervous about speaking.  I am quite opinionated even though shy. So when I do speak up, it can come across as arrogant because I might not have spoke much before that.  I am so freakin nervous when speaking in a group of people that it probably comes out blunt or harsh because I just want to get the thought out of my head and be quiet again.

Public speaking adds a whole new ball of mess to the mix of emotions.  Anxiety of course is heightened.  The very first time I did public speaking for the BDSM community - I literally got up there wearing a corset type top that my cleavage was spilling out of and said look at my boobs don't listen to me as I am a nervous wreck.

You know there is that saying...."Be kind to everyone because you never know the battle they are fighting."  I so get that one.  I know a lot of people who meet me would never know that I am shy or have social anxieties. They would just brush it off as arrogance or being aloof.  Thankful for those that actually get to know me.

*icon from artist - Riikka Sormunen

Ultimatums

I am doing a repost from an extremely old post.  So some background at the time I had several play partners/fuck buddies, 2 girlfriends and Nick, who was someone I  was involved with online that I hoped would eventually be an offline 24/7 D/s relationship. Obviously it didn't work out (thankfully) - as I am with Master and have been for 10 years. 

From December 7, 2001:

Yesterday I was chatting with a friend on the phone and she told me she talked to someone I was involved with. Anyway, his version of how things broke up was TOTALLY different from mine. And that bothered me a lot.

So I asked him if he would call me. He called. I told him what my friend said and how that was not what happened. I said, "I did not give you a choice. I just did it - broke it off." I told him I was hurt and that I did not want to be hurt further and so I was breaking it off. He told me what he said to her and it even disturbed me further because he said I gave him an ultimatum. And that he was a Dom and you do not give Dom's ultimatums. How can a person give an ultimatum when I didn't give him a choice?  He lied to me and I broke things off period. I didn't say..."you need to do x,y or z to keep me." That to me is an ultimatum.  Instead I said, "I am ending this, because it isn't the right relationship for me."

This week I was talking to Mistress DM and she said the same thing basically on a different matter. When I was telling her that I  really felt I needed things to keep going forward with Nick or I would probably need to move on and find someone more compatible. She said I was giving Nick an ultimatum. I never gave Nick an ultimatum in my opinion. This is what I asked him - "Where do do you see me fitting in your life and where do you think things are moving/going?"  After asking him those questions, he gave me a reply that gave me the security I was looking for so we are moving forward.

What I do not understand is both the man I was involved in and Mistress DM saying the same thing about an ultimatum. I just am very confused on how  those things are ultimatums.  I asked questions. I didn't say you need to do this in order to keep me - that is an ultimatum to me.

This is another view/example: You have a submissive she has emotionally and mentally needs that she is aware of in herself that she needs met in her relationships. She is responsible for herself in any type of relationship so in order to keep herself in a safe place she needs to have those types of conversations when those needs are not being met. I had that type of conversation with the dominant described at the beginning of this post and with Nick right now.

To me saying I need x,y and z isn't an ultimatum.  It is informing the person you are with where things are - feelings, emotions, even physically. Such as I might be sick and Nick is wanting me to doing some self bondage that might make it hard to run to the toilet and throw up.  To me I need to tell him that I am sick and be transparent. So either Nick can chose to make do the task and risk me getting sicker or he can postpone it. I think this goes to emotional needs. Submissives are human and we have emotional needs too. If I am not getting them met, then I might leave.  I am not saying - meet these needs or I am leaving. I am saying, hey I have these needs - now it is in your hands.  The man that I was involved with lost me, because he lied. I didn't give him an ultimate or a choice. I left knowing he wasn't the right person for me. Other Dominants in the past who I realized weren't meeting my needs, meant to me we weren't compatible so I have ended things with them. 

I don't think that meeting your submissive needs makes you less a dominant. I don't think her expressing her needs for those things is giving an ultimatum.  It is a choice for both people in the relationship. It might be something the submissive feels she can't live without and if the dominant isn't fulfilling that then she can leave to find a more compatible partner. If the dominant, doesn't want to fulfill those needs, he can release her or he can give her those things if it doesn't bother him. It is a choice about doing what you want to have a fulfilling relationship. 

Maybe I am just not seeing something to not get those are ultimatums. It is a relationship - D/s or vanilla it still is a relationship and a relationship takes 2 working together.  I am fully capable of submitting and bending to another's will.  But doesn't mean my needs just fade away.  I still have needs. I am human.


********
August 4, 2013:  I really don't see those things as ultimatums even today.  I just don't get how me deciding that my needs aren't getting met and either ending the relationship or informing my d-type that is giving ultimatums.  Most of my D/s - M/s relationships have required transparency. Example - saying to Master I am feeling overwhelmed is helping him in having control over me.

I think sometimes people see submissives expressing their views, feelings as being forceful and that comes across as ultimatum. But not in my opinion and I know that in my relationship with Master if I didn't keep him informed of what was going on with me - he would feel I was lying too him and not giving him all he needed to have authority over me and control me.

This repost me think of a thread that was posted on FetLife recently on Owners compromising with their slaves. I know for our relationship Master would say he has compromised on some things because of my health - emotional as well as physical.  He has had to give up things he desired because I can't go to certain places without doing damaging to myself - emotionally or physically. 

The example I gave in the thread was about being chained to the bed.  When I was first here with Master, he chained me to the bed every night.  Eventually I started waking up in pain.  It got worse and worse overtime so where my back was out of whack and making it almost impossible for me to serve him.  I told him about being in pain.  I was giving him the information he needed to control me as he does on a daily basis.  In our relationship - hiding that would have been lying to him and that would break down trust.  So Master had a choice - he could either find another solution to work instead of the chain that met his desired needs or stop chaining me to the bed. He made the choice to stop chaining me as the other solutions didn't really fulfill his needs.  He compromised what he desired to make sure I was healthy. 

Again I don't see as I gave Master and ultimatum, but from the repost of the 2001 post, I would say that some might say that I did.  I gave him all the information he needed to control me. 

Fading D/s?

So I have been blogging for almost 13 years. I was doing a back up the other day and realized I have a few posts here. Yes that is said with tongue in cheek - maybe just more than a few as I can be a little verbose at times.  I mean look at year 2002 on the side bar has 420 posts. Anyway, I decided I would go through the archives and find some posts to repost with some added commentary to it at the end a couple times a month.  So here it here is the first one...

From June 29, 2008
Is it unavoidable for the D/s to fade or become sporadic in a long-term D/s relationship?

I think it is a common misunderstanding that the D/s is fading. But to me once you get to know each other and the honeymoon periods ends --- we are actually in the real state of the relationship. And I think we tend to forget to enjoy that state. We just keep thinking back on the honeymoon period and saying why can't it be like that. When in reality, that wasn't the real state of how things would be long term. So D/s isn't fading. The new relationship energy and honeymoon period is fading and real life is left in its place.

The power dynamic we have was set in place is still there. It is there even more to me now. I see myself as slave more now then I did at that time. Because now I feel I serve him more. Those early days he had to have much more focus on me and attention to train me and also just because I was a needy girl. Now he doesn't.

I think sometimes maybe we are more comfortable with the struggles and excitement that happens in the beginning of the relationship then the just everyday-ness that life has to it. It took a while for me to be grateful for the everyday ordinary quality my life has to it - when I was so used to the chaos of my life before Master. And I have learned to appreciate that I am owned, serve an amazing man and get peace from that.


*******
July 31, 2013:  Master and I have been together for 10 years and in that 10 years the base of our relationship - Owner/property dynamic hasn't faded. It has changed of course, but not faded.

Recently someone asked me if we play as much as we did when we were first together.  Truthfully no.  Not sure I think it is because anything faded more so, as I said above, we just have everyday-ness going on.  We tend to go in spurts around how busy Master's business. Such as if we are really busy - we really have hardly anytime to even breath.  But when we have a little down time we play.   I will say sex always includes some play, but when people ask me about play - I guess I think more in terms of scening.

I know our play has grown into a much better place than it was at the beginning -  as our connection just gets better each year we are together.  We played recently and it was beautiful and intense.  It included everything we love from slapping, breath play, spanking, the braided flogger, hoods, punching and several other favorites. We both loved it and it left us energized even now 4 days later.  Also left little moments of lingering SM too.  A look and we both know what each other is thinking about.  Him grabbing my wrist in public and bringing me close - how his fingers feel digging in and again a knowing.  Grabbing my hair when we are laying in bed.  Again those moments to me are amazing.

I guess what I would want someone to know is does it really matter?  If it does - if play is one of your top qualities, you will want  to be in a relationship that it is important.  So be clear about that when looking for a partner. Find someone who wants the same. But I will say - people change.  Master and I thought about play being a big part our relationship in the beginning, but we have changed and I would gladly pass up playing everyday for the connection we have now when we do play it means so much more to me now. 

Titles

I don't call most Dominants Sir or any other title.  Master is the only one that gets the Master title as he owns me...he is my Master. I do have a few close friends that I may call Sir or Ma'am because I feel that with them. It flows out naturally with them, but here is the catch: I have asked everyone of them before calling them a title.

My reasons for not calling D-types by a title...

First by calling someone a title you are having them engage in your kink or fetish without their consent. So if at a party you are calling all dominants Sir and Ma'am without asking you might have violated boundaries and you were acting without their consent. When we are a community that touts consent all the time, seems very odd to me that we would use titles without consent.

Master and I are pretty high protocol in our daily life. But when we are out in the BDSM community, we don't often use it overtly because that would be pushing it on them without their consent.  We don't require that anyone to write Master first before friending me on FetLife, we don't require anyone asking before they give me a hug, and so on - of course it is nice when people do, but we don't require that because that is making someone engage in our kink and we didn't ask for their consent.

Next some people really hate the words Sir and Ma'am. I have a friend that grew up in a military family and she now hates using the words Sir and Ma'am as she was taught to as a kid.  She is dominant and would prefer other titles instead of Sir or Ma'am be used with her, but you would never know that until you ask.

Finally, for me, it feels like you are giving that Dominant the right to control or have authority over you when using a title.  You are submitting to them by calling them by a title. Because it is saying we have a dynamic that shows a D/s relationship by using that title.

I get that some people were raised saying Sir or Ma'am, but to me that is different. It is very rare when I separate BDSM and vanilla lifestyles. In this case, they are different.  A person raised saying Sir and Ma'am - sounds different from using a title in a BDSM setting.

I will say sometimes I get that kink or fetish used in a wider range of people is fun. We can be ourselves within the kinky community, but asking first is polite. Example:  In a past relationship, my Owner wanted to be in a higher form of protocol and to create a mindset of being an object  with me for a play party we were hosting. Part of his wishes he wanted me to Sir and Ma'am all dominants, so he emailed everyone attending and asked if this was okay with them and explained what he wanted to within the evening.  He didn't want others to have to engage in our kink if they weren't comfortable with it.  I had a lot of other protocols for the evening so he explained what he was going to do and how I was going to behave and made sure everyone was okay with it before the party.  It ended up being an extremely interesting evening and I am thankful for those that participated in it with us.  But again we asked first.

BDSM is about consent so please don't think just because you are okay with a kink that someone next to you will be.

I wrote about title and honorifics for a newsletter and our website in 2005. You can read it here: Titles and Honorifics

30 Days of Kink - Day 24

Day 24: What qualities do you look for in a partner?

I am sure I am missing some, but I think these are the biggies. 

Compatibility - in BDSM and kinky things as well as vanilla and everyday qualities such as did we enjoy some of the same hobbies, political beliefs, long term goals, views on religion and so on.  

Self-awareness - someone being self-aware is a good quality to me as it just seems to go smoother in a relationship because a person who is self-aware knows what they want and who they are and are steady and not so drama filled or chaotic with feelings/thoughts.

Chemistry- just everyday chemistry as well as sexual too.  Such as being able to laugh at the same thing, get each others jokes. 

 Honesty -  Being in relationships that haven't been honest,  it was one of the things that was really important to me.  

Sense of Humor -  I like a man that can make me laugh. Master has a great sense of humor. We laugh a lot in our relationship so thankful for that.  

Communication - having open communication and just knowing how to communicate is important to me.  I know some people can get very passive/aggressive in their communication styles and that just doesn't really work well for me so I wanted someone that wanted clear open discussion and communication and thankful Master places communication high on his list of qualities he sought too.

 M/s - O/p beliefs - since this is the kind of dynamic I sought out - I wanted to have someone who had similar beliefs as O/p is the foundation for our relationship
 

The previous 30 Days of Kink entries.

Service when Sick

I  would like to say I feel my warranty on my body went out in the last few years so Master has seen a drop in my service significantly. I have chronic migraines and have since I was 12 years old so he has seen those since the day I became his. But a few years ago I started having a lot of pain shooting down my back and leg. I have 2 vertebra pinching a nerve, degenerative disc disorder and have arthritis starting too. I also have chronic depression that ranges from mild to severe.

When I was first with Master, I totally felt guilty and apologized all the time. I pushed myself more than I should have at times too. But I do think it does more harm for my mental and emotional well being to get in the mode of thinking - feeling guilty. It keeps me there longer. It brings me down. Also if I push myself to do more, then physically I can stay in pain longer because I pushed myself.

So now I think I try to focus on what I did do - even if it is one thing. A day that I can do some laundry and dishes when my body is full of pain and/or my head is pounding then I am thankful for those things. Thankful I was able to serve him even in that way. Again even if it was just one thing - maybe making dinner is it and I am thankful for that.

I sometimes see the frustration in him that things aren't how he wants.  But at the same time he wants me to take care of me the best way I can. But it is hard not to feel guilty when I do know he is missing things I do for him.  It makes me feel like I am not good enough so then I feel guilty and apologize.  Though in recent years I do get myself out of that line of thinking faster and give myself a kick in the pants and remember to serve in any way I can in that moment...even if it means resting and healing myself.  He would rather have me take care of me and get better faster than prolong it.

30 Days of Kink - Day 23

Day 23: Since you first developed an interest in kink, have your interests/perspectives changed?  How so?

Yes, of course.  When I was first exploring, I had quite a few things I thought I would never ever do or enjoy - such as golden showers. Never thought I would like them and never thought they would feel as they did - so thankful I took that leap of faith and submitted to doing it.  I never thought I would be into hoods and now I love them! Damn they turn me on. Really slipping a hood on pretty much sends me into a floaty space instantly. Thankful Master introduced me to them and that I enjoy them so much as they are one of his favorite kinks.

I think that early on in the exploring BDSM - I bought into a lot of the bdsm slogans and topics that came up.  Such as I was a firm believer in safe words early on, but now believe often good old fashioned communication is better.   I have been in situations where safewords and safe calls didn't protect me from someone that wanted to cross my boundaries. 

I have actually a couple essays out there that I don't totally agree with such as who is about.  I wrote that once long ago because it annoyed me that a dominant I knew often said it at times that really didn't call for it.  My end all in my relationship  though - it is about Master always. My first and last thoughts are always of Master and what he wants and desires. So that phrase works for this, but as I know I kind of go into in the essay - if it is only about one person always - that relationship won't last. Because if I wasn't happy and/or wasn't getting needs met, I wouldn't be here.  So it does need to be about both people. But I get that phrase different because of Master. 

Collars is another essay I wrote that I don't actually believe in many things in it. Like I don't believe in a collar of protection or a collar of consideration.  I feel sometimes again we complicate things and use those kind of titles or use it to hide behind it.  I think collar of protection often takes personal responsibility away from the submissive and that I don't like or get that.  I think sometimes we need to stand up and be responsible before we can surrender fully.    

In both of those essays, I notice I use the word power exchange in them. I don't even believe in those words anymore as I don't feel with Master I am exchanging power. I am surrendering to this will.  I don't have the power in this relationship, so how can I exchange power.

I know there are probably dozens of topics that my views have changed about over the years.  We are  human - we grow, change and evolve.  I am glad to see some things have changed over the years. It would be a fairly boring life I live if I didn't have things that changed.
 

The previous 30 Days of Kink entries.

Venturing out into the BDSM Community

I miss my Ohio BDSM community. It was made up of several amazing groups with diverse group of people and kinks. It wasn't always a perfect match for me, but really it can't be - it has to be about being around like-minded people and welcoming everyone.  I think the 2 groups I was mainly involved with always did a really good job of being inclusive to everyone.  From those groups, I formed an amazing circle of friends that I miss FIERCELY.  

The Ohio BDSM community recently went through some changes and that always kind of causes issues and growing pains.  Over the years I have seen just about every group/community go through changes and growing pains.  We as people change and evolve so why wouldn't a community grow and evolve too. 

In thinking about the Ohio groups, I had some very fond memories come up. I was talking to Master last night about my very first time I ventured out into the community.  I was a slave in a poly household. But at that moment I was the only one living with my Owner.  It was a very brief time of being alone with him and being alone without lots of people in and out of the house. So frankly - I got lonely and found someone bondage.com - a very nice woman who was submissive. She told me about Ohio SMART and that they had a submissive group that met once a month. So for my first venture into the community I went to a submissive meeting.

It was an interesting experience. I am so glad I did it. But it was a little odd for me at first. I was the only submissive in the group that identified as slave and lived it 24/7.

As a slave, I sometimes have different protocols then other submissives and bottoms around me. Such as that first meeting, they had a dominant coming to give a spanking demo. No where in the description of the evening did it say anything about that, when the leader contacted me when I RSVP'd never mentioned it - the description and her email only talked about about submissive women getting together to discuss BDSM topics.  So, I had no idea a male dominant was going to be there.  When it was announced he would be there soon, I said that I would need to leave and everyone asked why and so I told them. I said that I didn't know a male dominant would be there and didn't inform my Master. Really at first they had a hard time understanding it because they hadn't been around anyone in a Master/slave dynamic.  A girl there offered me her cell phone to call my Master (in the day and age where cell phones were just coming out) and ask  - so I did.  He allowed me to stay just not participate.  

It was interesting that after that meeting, they only had a few more with dominant's come to demo and always told me before hand. They had never given it thought before that it might go against what some relationship protocols and thankfully took that into account after meeting me.

My first time speaking was because of being involved with Ohio SMART. I am a HORRIBLE public speaker. Honestly horrible! But I remember that fondly as one woman came up to me after. She looked straight into my eyes and said, "I get it. I get you."  We were fast friends and I have so many amazing memories that include her. 

It is my hope that one day, because our local community growing, I will have many fond memories with friend made through it.  I know I am already really having some good ones.  Very thankful for the growing community and friends made through it!

Intro

Recently I have had to do introduction several times as Master and I have been venturing out in our local BDSM community as it is growing.

So thought I would share a little longer version of it here too...

I am danae. I am in a Master/slave relationship and have been owned by Master for 10 years. I am wired for service and obedience. I am bisexual, masochistic, sexually submissive and poly. I have been kinky since the first time I became sexually active at 16. The first boy I had sex with we played with spanking and him tying me up and then eventually had sex with while tied up. From there each of my intimate relationships had some kind of D/s dynamic and kink in them, but not the words for what we were doing.

When I was 27 and married, I explored online for some information on anal sex, but happened upon a bulletin board on AOL for submissive women.  I read many threads and felt my head nodding along with many things said.  I then told my husband about it and BDSM. I explained that many things we did in our relationship resembled BDSM in and out of the bedroom.  As soon as I named it though - things went downhill.  He developed guilt for beating me - spanking, slapping, grabbing or anything we did before all of sudden became very sinful and wrong to him.

My husband and I had problems before I named this dynamic that we developed in our years of being married. Eventually those problems, some issues I had, and the problems of him feeling like I was a freak for being submissive became too big to ignore, so I left.

I moved to Ohio from Kansas in with a poly household and became a slave to the Master of the household. My time in the household was hard, but a learning experience. I was active in the Ohio BDSM community and out to almost everyone there. It was very hard moving here - to a smaller town without much of a community, but it was so worth it to serve Master. 

Master and I met through a mutual friend. She gave him my name as she thought we might be well matched. He contacted me and pretty much from that first email - I was falling.  So thankful to our friend for realizing we would be a good match.  It has been an amazing journey, I have taken with him.

I am a long time blogger - blogging about my life and thoughts/beliefs of the lifestyle. I also have a group on FetLife devoted to Domestic Servitude and a blog that goes with it.

A Day in the Life of a Slave

I wrote a piece like this years ago, but I really think it needs to be updated and addressed again.

One day recently....
* made breakfast
* got our meds/vitamins and such
* refilled our daily medicine container
* Master took a shower so I laid out clothes for him
* got things out for dinner and prepped them
* threw a load of clothes in the washer
* worked on a project for Master's business
* took a shower
* made lunch
* switched out laundry
* wiped down the bathroom sink, counter and toilet
* unloaded and loaded the dishwasher
* put the last load of wash in the dryer or hung to dry
* created a to-do list for errands we were running - made sure I had everything on my grocery lists and did a final check of pantry and fridge to make sure anything else I needed to add
* gathered up our packages, grocery sacks and other items needed to run errands
* ran a couple errands with Master - including going to bank, post office and 2 different grocery stores
* put groceries away
* made dinner
* cleaned up dinner dishes, loaded dishwasher and ran it, swept kitchen, wiped counters and stove top down
* finished up a project for Master 
* had some me time - did some art journaling for a couple hours
* unloaded the dishwasher before bed at 1am

I know I am forgetting things - like him asking me to get him a water or snack, picking up clothes on the floor, looking for a bill we needed to do while we were out doing errands.  Just lots of things go on in the day. All these things are normal every day things people do throughout the day.  

A friend asked recently "What makes your life different than your neighbor?" I believe mostly it is his expectations of me and my intention behind everything. When I first became his, he made sure that he told me how he wanted things. I worked to bend to those desires. So now my thoughts are of him all day - what I need to do for Master and how can I enhance his life.

I mean really if it was just me in this house and doing these things - some of them would have been put off until the next day.  But I unloaded the dishwasher at 1AM as I know Master likes a clean sink and there were a few dirty bowls in the sinks so unloaded it and loaded it before bed. I also knew there would be a busy morning the next day so I didn't want those to sit there until the next afternoon as that was the soonest I would have been able to get to them when doing other higher priority things.  Sometimes - it does sit there as I just can't get to everything at times.  

As you will see in this account of a day - there was no BDSM and no sex.  We don't have sex everyday. We don't have kinky play everyday. You don't really even see the control in that account of a day - although there is control there. It is established control where I know what is expected of me and I do it. Meaning you don't see on that schedule every time I  go the bathroom throughout the day  - I have to ask permission. Or that I wait at mealtime until he gives me the go-ahead to eat. Or that I set his clothes out in a certain way because that is what he expects.  Or that I rinse the dishes off almost as though they were washed - before putting in the dishwasher as he prefers that. 

Our lives look very vanilla from the outside, but with the expectations he has, the control he has and my intention behind everything I do - my day is filled with M/s as the foundation. It is there while I unload the dishwasher at 1am.  It is there while I am having me-time - doing art because I know he is allowing it and he can stop it at any moment for me. I know it is there when I do all the household chores throughout the day.  It is just so a part of our lives that it very subtle to the outside viewer.

30 Days of Kink - Day 22

Day 22: What do you think is important in keeping a BDSM relationship healthy?  How does it differ from a vanilla relationship?

Really I don't think there is much difference between BDSM relationships and vanilla in keeping a healthy relationship. Each takes compatibility, communication and just working to keep it going. All those things apply to BDSM as well as vanilla. Master and I have compatibility in our O/p and M/s beliefs and have that as our foundation. As well as being compatible in countless other areas - non-bdsm things as well as bdsm. Vanilla relationship would have different things they are compatible, but as humans we are all different so we each have different areas that we are compatible.  

I do think often we put too much emphasis on how we are different from vanilla relationships when I think basics in relationships are just a part of all relationships.

The previous 30 Days of Kink entries.

Submission is a Gift?

This is one of those debates that has happened from I am sure the dawn of the BDSM community.  So I am not sure many will be surprised as I have written about it before, but Submission is NOT a gift to me. 

I often feel we wrap things in neat little slogans and one liners to help people deal with us. Such as if we say to a vanilla person - "we only submit to those worthy of my gift" - that maybe it will make them not look at us like we aren't freaks. Or maybe we do it to not scare the new people entering the community....like "okay you need to understand your submission is a gift and you give it to only those d-type worthy."  I really don't think saying it is helping anyone. 

"Submission is a gift"  also seems that it is a very romanticized version of D/s. Just like with the new person...saying that "my d-type is worthy of my gift and he cherishes me and I kneel at his feet with adoration" is very nice idea for some. But you know what I get from bdsm isn't coming from kneeling or Master treating me like a precious gift.  I would prefer he knock me down and wipe his feet on me thank you very much - that is my idea of romance.  So submission as a gift doesn't really work for me.

Some reasons why I don't believe submission is a gift:

* As with most things - I start with a dictionary. I enjoy what actual definitions of words can do to perspective. So the word "gift" means: a thing given willingly to someone without payment, something acquired without compensation and a natural ability or talent. I don't expect payment or compensation from Master when I submit, but reality is I get things from submitting to Master. I feel more centered - more myself and more aligned with who I am when I submit so I am getting a compensation of submission.  So by that definition submission isn't a gift as I get something in return. Also I often think why I read that definition it means Master gets this gift and he does nothing, but receive it. As a gift means you aren't getting compensation so with nothing to do in return so he can just sit there and receive the gift, right? But again reality is that he isn't just sitting there receiving. He is controlling. He is my ultimate authority and obviously he does things that compel me to submit. He has done things to enslave me also. So again submission isn't a gift. 


* I have heard that submission is the best gift you can give a dominant.  But again my reality dictates that isn't the best gift. I don't think submitting is a gift - it is a quality you have and out of all the qualities that go into my M/s relationship - I am still not sure submitting is the top of the list. Surrender might be up there.  Obedience. Dedication. Determination and enthusiasm. How about the many varied skills I can offer in service to help enhance Master's life. Trust, honesty, openness and loyalty are pretty good qualities to have also.  I have much more than submission to offer to a relationship. 


* In terms of slavery -- gift implies choice to me and I don't have a choice. I submit because I am owned. 


* I think calling it the gift of submission makes it seem more important than what the dominant does in the relationship. And of course that isn't true. A relationship takes all parties being involved in it to make it work. 


* Flowers are a gift. Chocolates are a gift. There are many wonderful gifts out there. Giving flowers and chocolates means seeing the person smile and feeling good about it. It is a pretty package. Submission isn't always fun or pretty. It isn't always something I enjoy. It is something that is a part of my relationship and overall fulfills me, but sometimes it isn't fun or pretty. 


* Again a gift to me implies giving something that is in a pretty package and I struggle. I don't always do it willingly or freely - I do it because it is my duty as his slave. I am human and I struggle with submission at times so not much of a gift when giving it with that associated with it.  

* If submission is a gift and you have limits and want to negotiate than is that a gift with strings?  So really doesn't fit the definition of gift.  Also when a gift is given, the receiver of said gift owns the gift then and can do what they want with it.  Because giving a gift means giving ownership of that to another person completely. My Aunt gave me an sweater that doesn't fit and I gave it to goodwill. It was my right as she gave me that gift - I now own it and can do with it what I like. I can appreciate that she gave me a gift and like it that she was kind and thoughtful without "cherishing the sweater."  So to me giving a gift of submission can imply that the person you are giving it to now owns it and really not everyone wants to be in an O/p type relationship.


* I have also heard the gift is really trust and love so that you can submit to the "one."  Many many years ago I had a friend that was owned and lived several hours away from me. I didn't really know her Owner well, but just the bits and pieces I had heard about him through her and various other people in their local community. And although she was always talking very respectfully of him - I wasn't impressed with what I heard of him. In order to visit her though, he asked me to be in service to his house while staying with him. He wanted me to submit to him while staying in house and visiting her. Well I didn't know him that well - so trust had not been built. I didn't love him. In fact I was feeling a little annoyed towards him, but I wanted to see my friend so I told him I would submit. And I did.  So my point is you don't always need trust and love to submit. I did find that time of submitting to him very fulfilling for me, but I didn't need trust or love or tell him my submission was a gift.  I felt compelled to submit and did. 

* I enjoy submitting and why can't we just admit that and use common sense in who we submit too. I guess I just feel sometimes that phrase submission is a gift allows the person using as a way to get out of personal responsibility  So they can blame the dominant for things not going right....."well he didn't cherish my gift" or "he didn't deserve my gift." Instead of saying "hey I fucked up and didn't really think about if I was compatible with this person."  It just seems like a way to get out of taking responsibility for our own lives. We are submissive doesn't mean we can't make rational decisions and be clear on what we want and need in a relationship.  

I don't need submission to be a gift. I need to be clear in who I am and find the person that matches those qualities.  And I am lucky to say I did in Master. 

Different not Deeper

 The lifestyle isn't a continuum with bottom being a starting point and  slave being the end point. We are each different and we all have labels that we use to describe who we are and what type of relationship we are in -  top, bottom, dominant, submissive, daddy, little girl, Sir, pet, kinky, Master, slave and so on and so forth.  An endless supply of labels to apply to ourselves -  each different.

Often in the lifestyle I hear that BDSM relationships are deeper than vanilla relationships. But really I don't believe they are....I don't believe my relationship is deeper than a D/s relationship just because I am M/s. I don't believe we kinky folk are deeper than those in vanilla relationships. What we are - is different.  M/s is different from D/s.  BDSM is different from vanilla. Master and I might do things different than a couple who is D/s because we are M/s, but doesn't mean we are deeper.

Our relationships are deep because of what we put into them.  A relationship can grow into a deep and meaningful one by being compatibility, creating connection, communicating, and knowing oneself -  and none those things have nothing to do with D/s or M/s.