I am 40.....and Self Conscious

If you read Master's blog you will have read that I made a comment about age appropriateness of what someone was wearing the other day.

We were in Office Depot on Sunday and as Master was checking out a lady came in. I was watching her as Master was checking out. She was wearing a dress that was about 1 or 2 inches past her bottom, fishnets and heels (more detailed description later in the post.)

Anyway, I was looking at her and kind of amazed she was wearing what she was...normally in the past I wouldn't have given her a second thought. Or maybe have thought what Master said, "is that her Sunday best?" But the age appropriate comment was way out of left field for me. But I turned 40 this year and with it has come lots of internal dialog. So on the way out Master looked at her too and I said, "that was so not age appropriate." I instantly realized what I said and then I got upset because it brought home why I said it. I am getting older and I have been going through lots of --- I won't be able to do various things because I am too old now and just won't ever have a chance to experience them again. And I am just old and so have to do what others at my age do. It wasn't that I don't think a 40 year old can dress sexy. I know I can even at 40. What made me say it is because my internal dialog has convinced me I am old so I am to be like other women of my age. So that comment wouldn't have happened a couple years ago because it would have never crossed my mind. But because of the internal dialog I have been having since turning 40 - it came up and I was instantly upset that I said it.

Now all that said - I know also even if I didn't say it I would have thought I didn't like what she was wearing. I would have thought it was great that she was trying to show off her slutty side. But because my mind has been trained/conditioned to see what is sexy per Master's desires (not completely mind you as there are something I still have trouble wrapping my mind around but in the list of things that say sexy to Master) she didn't hit the mark. And I actually did make the comment that she would have been more sexy in other things and still looked age appropriate by "normal" standards. Such as if she had been wearing a pencil skirt, a satin blouse maybe with a some cleavage showing, spiked heels - she would have looked damn hot. Instead she I think was trying to look sexy by wearing things that "people" say is sexy - mini skirt/dress, fishnets and heels. But just because it is those things doesn't mean it looks sexy. She was wearing a crushed velvet print mini dress with dark autumn leaves, fishnets and what I call conservative business heel - rounded toe, square heel - not the chunky platforms just a square heel. (Similar to these but her heel was just a little taller.) When I told Master what I thought she should have been wearing to look sexy - he of course agreed as it hit his clothing fetish.

Okay so on to the next part....I made the comment that if she wanted to be wearing that go home and give her guy a lap dance. And again maybe that was coming from inner dialog of I am 40 and old. But I think it has more to do with my views and that I would have been self-conscious in such an outfit in Office Depot. I totally get that everyone is different. I am just saying I wouldn't want to wear what she was wearing to Office Depot. To a bar, to a strip club or lifestyle event/party totally get it as it was trashy and slutty. And I have totally dressed in a similar way and have things in the closet to fit that description. But if I was wanting to be going out shopping and looking sexy - it would be something else because I am just not comfortable with it outside certain circumstances.

I am sad that I have become very self-conscious and even wearing something like it to a bar or strip club now - today - I would be a little panicked. I don't dress like I used to when in Ohio so I think have become more self-conscious because it is not normal for me anymore. And I really struggle over it because even at home with Master alone I still feel self-conscious. When I was in Ohio, I was going to lifestyle meetings, out with friends, play parties and such and dressing up was just normal for me so I was used to it. It was just part of my life. And yes I was self-conscious then too but it isn't nearly the level it is now and I just did it because well I was going out. Now dressing up just isn't something I have opportunity to do in public.

Case in point Master recently bought me a blouse. Now I love the blouse on the hanger but when I put it on I felt very exposed as my cleavage is a focal point of the blouse. I wore it out shopping one day and every place we went into -- each clerk said something about the blouse and I had stares in the store from other shoppers. It made me even more uncomfortable knowing all those eyes were on me. It was a cute fashionable blouse -- nothing inappropriate about it. But I still was very aware of the eyes on me while wearing it. Six years ago I wouldn't have thought twice about wearing it. I would have been excited to wear it. And I really don't think it has anything to do with age. It is just the view of me has changed. I am not used to dressing that way.

So although I wouldn't wear a crushed velvet mini-dress in Office Depot - I still would have problems dressing sexy in public because I have self-image issues. But initially the comment came out of my mouth because of my inner dialog about age -- which I logically can say is silly. I just haven't been able to get my logical to align with the emotions.

Competing/Comparison

From an older Daily OM Horoscope that I saved....

"Choosing not to compete with the people in your life allows you to live up to your standards without worrying about theirs. When you measure your achievements against other people’s accomplishments, it is easy to become defensive because there will always be someone who has accomplished more. Eschewing competition means you can narrow your focus and concentrate entirely on getting ahead rather than being distracted by the need to outdo someone else. Your aims will reflect your inner values and what you truly want out of life. The challenges you face will be ones you set for yourself, and no one else’s success will cause you to doubt yourself or your capabilities. Choose not to compete today, and you will be able to take greater pride in your accomplishments."

I am not really a competitive person but I fall into comparing myself with others. I get so hung up on what others have accomplished I end up setting myself up to fail or miss all the ways I do serve Master that are wonderful accomplishments.

I heard a little story about a zen master watching an archery competition and one competitor was really concentrating on winning. But he was doing very badly and someone asked the zen master why the person was doing badly and he said "his need to win drains him of power." That focusing on winning is putting energy to the future instead of just putting his energy into the now and just doing the competition.

And it can be similar to that I am so busy looking at others and what they are doing that I fail to live now - my life and/or miss all that great things we are doing in my relationship right now.

reality makes it a bit different

Lolita Wolf posted an answer to How much pain can you take? And she had a quote from Joseph Bean, "Bottoms lie." I was thinking of it in terms of overall relationships -- what we want in a relationship, what we desire in the moment or long term. And it isn't just bottoms, it is submissives, it is slaves, it is dominants, tops and Masters too...heck it is everyone - lifestyle or not. We go into the relationship thinking it will be one way - believing we can do all the things we desire and how we picture the relationship in our head, but it just doesn't happen that way. Reality of doing and even just being always changes. Being a slave is nice in theory. Even just negotiating a scene with a play partner is nice in theory. Every relationship is nice in theory. But reality can change it all. Often what we think and desire is too much for reality. It just can't fit. Or as Lolita said, "their fantasies are bigger than their realities."

All that said makes it kind of sound depressing....but actually I enjoy my reality. It makes me feel so at peace to accept reality. Because things don't always fit in reality doesn't make our life less exciting. It is an amazing journey even keeping it real

Isolation because Alone

A couple weeks ago when Master was out of town (he is out of town again this week which made me think of this) a good friend gave me a call to chat. And she recalled I don't have a car (gave it away to a neighbor in need). Master has a car that he takes when he goes out of town. So when he leaves there is no car here. He is gone often a week at time so I am completely alone for a week. She asked if I leave the house while he is out of town and frankly it is a rarity. I get the mail and take out the garbage.

Closet isolation is completely different headspace and at the same time similar. I sit here knowing I haven't talked to anyone but Master, I have went outside 2 times to get mail and once to bring out the garbage. And here alone. It does bring the reality that I am owned home (pun intended).

Yes in reality I could walk out this door and keep walking but on the other hand I can't. I think there is a difference -- fine line difference at times --- between being "able" to leave and "believing" you are able to leave. I also think there is a fine line between can do and will do.

Several years ago babalon gave an example that stuck in my head and summed it up for me.....
"A. Can I throw a puppy into speeding traffic? no.
B. Can I leave my owner [without his permission]? no."

It is the same for me. Is there some extreme circumstance where I could be able to do A or B? Yes...I am sure there is something out there that might make me believe I can do so. I am sure I have the ability but I don't think until I believe leaving is the last option in an extreme situation that I would actually be able to leave.

For me Him owning me equals I can't leave. I don't believe I can, I don't think I can, plus I don't want to leave. And just as I can't throw a puppy into traffic - I can't leave my owner. It goes against what I am emotionally/mentally conditioned to do - so I don't ponder or worry about leaving and I am glad it is that way.

And so this week at home alone without Master -- isolated without being locked up. A subtle reminder that I am owned. And of course in that odd way that it happens makes me feel good and loved.

Bishop

I posted a Bishop picture over on my tumblr.

Yes or No Meme

I have had a bad migraine cycle so not posted the answers to the last 2 questions.

So posting a meme....
Only two rules: You must answer yes or no. You may not explain unless someone asks.

Taken a picture naked? Yes
Made money illegally? Yes
Had a one night stand? Yes
Been in a fist fight? Yes
Slept with your best friend? No
Had sex in a public place? Yes
Ditched work to have sex? Yes
Slept with a member of the same sex? Yes
Seen someone die? No
Ran from the police? No
Woke up somewhere and not remember how you got there? No
Worn your partners unmentionables? No
Fallen asleep at work? Yes
Used toys in the bedroom? Yes
Ran a red light? Yes
Been fired? No
Been in a car accident? Yes
Pole danced or done a striptease? Yes
Loved someone you shouldn't? Yes
Sang karaoke? No
Done something you told yourself you wouldn't? Yes
Laughed so hard you peed your pants? No
Caught someone having sex? Yes
Kissed a perfect stranger? Yes
Shaved your partner? Yes
Given your private parts a nickname? No
Ever gone in public without underwear? Yes
Had sex on a roof top? No
Played chicken? No
Mooned/flashed someone? No
Do you sleep naked? Yes
Blacked out from drinking? No
Felt like killing someone? No
Had sex more than 5 times in one day? Yes
Been with someone because they were in a band? No
Taken 10 shots of liquor in a day? No
Shot a gun? No
Gone outside naked? Yes

News Media

Okay so I clicked on this headline on yahoo.com - "Rape survivor hopes controversial T-shirt will help others" At the beginning of the piece they say that the person didn't want her image shown - but had her on phone interview. They showed her name and then an image of her website while she talked. Then they talked to another person/expert and then....they showed a picture of Heather in the t-shirt. She said she didn't want her picture shown and they did it anyway. How so very nice of them. (that is said with sarcasm just in case it isn't coming across in words on a screen.)

Heather was one of the reasons I started blogging. I have read her blog since 1999.

Kumimonster

I did want to pass this on...if you have a Livejournal account please check this out...
http://community.livejournal.com/kumicorps/994.html

Kumimonster the beautiful fetish bondage model had her LJ account deleted. It sounds like (please know this is all second hand/third/forth hand as I hadn't read her journal in a while) she posted a snippet of something that was copyrighted (which under copyright laws you can quote a limited amount without permission) and someone turned her in for abuse because they didn't like what she was saying in regards to it. And LJ gave her 2 options deletion of her LJ account or she just delete the entry. Well...the entry wasn't doing anything that violated LJ terms of abuse or copyright laws and she explained this to them and they still deleted her account.

So there is a petition to get her journal back. As always LJ seems to screw things up. I mean if they can't read the laws correctly anyone at LJ could be deleted that easily.


ps: Because I don't want to make an entry for this but....wanted to do an FYI....I have 2 more questions to answer that I hope to get to those in the next few days as Master leaves to go out of town tomorrow. And although I have a lot of work to do while he is gone I know I will have more time on hands then usual.

March Q&A: sex, sm and toys

Do you like anal sex? Oh yes!


Name something sexually you would like to do that you haven't. Name some SM play you would like to do that you haven't. Name something you have done in a while that you would like to again SM play and sexually.

sexually - vaginally fisted...I am not sure if there is anything else. It reminded me of a list I did in 2002 and I saw a few things actually I could mark done now.

SM - There are quite a few things that I am not sure are things I really want done or just fantasy. Such as...having cigarettes put out on my breasts...I don't like smoke...allergic to it. But it is something I have thought about before. Otherwise I am not sure I can think of anything - realistic. Maybe suspension.

Not done in a long time - wax play. Wax play just has no appeal to Master. Also...head to toe rope bondage.


Do you have a toy in your "wish list" right now?

a toy...just one? :) Okay how about a few?

* Hemp Rope from Twisted Monk - We have a bit but I would like more.
* clover clamps
* total covered hood - like this one on the right side - the Total Control Hood or this one but it scares me a little bit too.
* BIG silicone dildo

The March Q&A

I think I have about 5 more questions to answer of course it doesn't look like I will be getting to any more before the end of March. So they will continue into April and feel free to ask a question still.

Also thank you to everyone that has asked a question....it has been fun answering them!

March Q & A: BDSM Community

Have you ever been to a munch, event or BDSM gathering? Pros and cons of attending such gatherings?
I lived in Cleveland before I moved to be with Master here in Colorado. And in Cleveland, I participated in several groups - Ohio SMART and then a group that is no longer around but it was called Carpe Diem that a good friend of mine was one of the organizers. (Also was part of some other groups - but those weren't as long term - one was a submissive group and another was an all women's group.) I helped out at Carpe Diem at times. And then was a regular volunteer with Ohio SMART. I also volunteered for 2 events that were in Ohio - Ohio Leather Fest and SMARTfest.

When I became Master's, we attended Thunder in the Mountains several times as it is in Denver which is 4 hours from us. But we don't have any local BDSM community here. And it is something I MISS SO MUCH! I go through some down times when I read others that have been to a group or play party. I miss having others that I don't have to "hide" part of myself around. I miss just having that interaction.

Pros and Cons....Well pros I guess would be what I was just saying being able to be around similar minded people, just having the interaction with those that are in the lifestyle, making friends of like mind, learning new things, being able to do things we can't in normal everyday settings. Such as at Thunder in the Mountains the whole hotel is taken over by kinky folk so I was able to dress in fetish wear. You can't walk through the lobby naked but I enjoyed just being able to dress as little girl there. It was so nice to be free like that. To be able to have the thick metal collar on while standing in the lobby with a Master hold the leash that is attached to it...is just exciting and fun. So those things are pros. I am sure I am missing some pros too.

Cons....well cons is that even though we might be similar minded we can always find those that don't agree with what it is that we do. Just because someone is into BDSM or D/s doesn't mean they "approve" of M/s. Just because someone is into M/s doesn't mean they don't think those that BDSM are weekend warriors or players. (just to clarify I don't think those things -- it is just assumptions that are made by some people.) So con is there are people who are judgmental of how you do what you do.

A con for me that I didn't get until I was here is that I got so involved in the lifestyle that through the groups and just living the lifestyle being a slave/submissive that I let many things I truly enjoyed slip away such as my art. Because I made the D/s my whole life. I am truly thankful Master encouraged me to do art again.


Have you played in public in those type of settings?
Yes I have played in public. Again something I miss at times but other times I think oh no I wouldn't want to play in public anymore. But I used to play in public quite a bit as a good friend of mine had a semi-public play space. I mean semi-public because it wasn't open to the public but only those that were associated with the local group.

Thunder in the Mountains though was probably the biggest play space I have played in and both times of course was with Master.

If you have played in public do you get self conscious? Have you had any negative experiences when playing in public?
Sometimes I do get self conscious. When I was in the play space that my friend owned, I never really felt self conscious. It was a safe place for me - always surrounded by friends. But I did at Thunder in the Mountains - I felt very exposed and uncomfortable at times. I know my pain thresh old went down because my brain was so conscious of my surroundings that I couldn't get into a place of being wrapped into my masochism. We still had fun. I just couldn't totally let go.

For the most part I haven't had negative experience playing in public. Oh but once with an ex though - we went to an event and we were trying to play and there was a group of people standing maybe 5 feet from us and they were so loud. They weren't playing they were just standing around talking and laughing really loudly. I couldn't get into the play at all. I just kept listening to their conversation instead because I couldn't tune them out. So that is really the only negative experience when playing in a public play space.


What do you wear to such gatherings?
Well that just really depends on what kind of event or group it is and more importantly where it is at. Such as Carpe Diem had a social once a month at a restaurant so of course wearing most fetish wear wouldn't be appropriate for such a setting. So most of the time that was just dressing sexy. And really for the most part that is how I dress at events, meetings and play parties. It just would depend on setting on how revealing. Such as I have a black satin top that laces up the front but only in the breast area so it hangs open showing quite a bit of skin. That I wear to play parties with a short skirt and thigh highs. Other times I might wear a longer black skirt with slit up the side and zebra print see through shirt with a black satin tank under it. I have a few corset type tops, leather and suede skirts too that I wear to events or play parties. I have also done as I stated above little girl and school girl. I did a baby doll with a little cardigan, tights, mary janes - and then a good friend did my hair in braids and I carried a teddy bear and carried my princess purse at one event play party. I have several plaid school girl skirts so have done that route too. But really at these kind of things you see everything from jeans and t-shirts to full out rubber.

I know the person asking was asking because she has never been to anything like this so my advice is just to dress in something comfortable - that you feel good in and go and see what others wear. You will not be out of place because really everyone dresses differently.

Have you ever encountered people in the lifestyle that were against how you do M/s? Told you are you are dangerous? Or not real?
Yes, yes and yes. Okay I know you want a longer answer then that. I have encountered people that didn't agree with M/s. They thought being a slave was insane and unsafe. I have been told I needed my head examined. I have had people tell me I am insane and dangerous many times. I have had people tell me I am in an abusive situation. I have had tell people everything under the sun with what was wrong with M/s.

I have also been told I am not real because well for all sorts of silly reasons. Once upon a time told I wasn't real here - that I was making my blog up. And I am like if you don't think I am real then so be it. I have met lots of people offline. It would be pretty stupid of me to lie here and then turn around and have to face all the people I know offline that read me. I have been told I wasn't real because I don't write about SM enough. I have been told I wasn't real because I struggle. I have been told I am not real because I am not fond of kneeling or being called pet. As I said I lots of silly reasons people give me for not being real.

It was a real sore spot for me in the Cleveland community for a bit as I felt I was really attacked for my beliefs. And that bothered me that I couldn't explain myself in a way that let know I wasn't really insane. I mean to see me now living the life I talked about now I am sure many of them would say well your life is good and normal. You aren't insane...or maybe they would still think I am insane and it is just my hopeful wishing that they would accept me as is. Acceptance is a big issue for me. But that isn't the point of the question....

The point is yes I have been told I am not real, dangerous and that I am not doing "this" right. It is sad we can't agree to disagree but accept people as for what they are. But what is important is for each person to do what works for them.

And I also want to add....I met some amazing people at the groups, meetings, play parties and events I have been too. I made some wonderful friends from Ohio SMART and Carpe Diem. Friends that did accept me even if they didn't always understand my need to be a slave. I also am very honored and happy I was able to volunteer for those groups. It was a lot of fun and a good learning experience.

March Q & A: Bruises

Have you ever had to explain a bruise to someone outside the lifestyle such as a doctor, family or clerk in store?

Yes once to a doctor I had a bruise in a place that well was hard not to notice for what he was doing. I was going to have a pap. I of course had canceled the appointment a few times so I really needed to keep it this time. Well several weeks before I had been staying with someone very special to me. And she used a strap on that the dildo was held in place by a thick metal ring. When she fucking me very hard the ring would hit my pelvic bone so it created a very deep nasty looking bruise so by the time I had the appointment it was faded slightly but still visible. I am up in the stirrup and my doctor asked me if I knew I had a bruise. I said yes. He then asked if he wanted to know how I got it. I said no. I was out to him about being in bdsm. I was happy he didn't want to know how I got it.

I should say it is really hard to bruise me. Master has whipped me, caned me, paddled me - hard - and often there isn't any visible marks. I might be tender but no bruises. If I get marks it is little slash marks from the baton or evil stick. And they will just last a day or 2. And that is usually on my breasts not my bottom. My bottom just doesn't mark/bruise.

But there has been a few close calls with the general public, friends and family. I really like to be punched. I remember the first time I saw a demo on punching it just melted me into a big puddle. I even enjoy being punch in the face. So I have had two facial bruises from punching. Once with a previous partner that was fairly obvious. I was living with friends at the time with that had kids and we were worried the kids might say something but they didn't. And then once with Master where I got a little bit of a fat lip. We were going to a wedding in a few days so was worried it would be visible but it calmed down before the wedding so it was okay.

And then the only other time I was really worried about bruises was a time that I was really stupid. I went to visit my parents and also visited a dominant that was local to them. Of course we had negotiated that there wouldn't be any play. And I got there and he insisted and of course I gave in. He caned me from top to bottom basically. There were bruises on my thighs and calves that lasted I think it was 8 weeks. It was spring time so I was starting to wear shorter skirts but in staying with my parents that wouldn't be possible as they would have noticed the bruises since they were obvious lines. I had to resort to wearing longer skirts the whole time I was there.

I should have just left when he kept insisting. But of course I just was so wanting to find an escape from my situation that I would give anyone a chance. After when I explained to him after why I didn't want to be with him (because of course then my brain came back) of course he told me I wasn't submissive. (insert rolling of eyes) Oh well that is in the past and live and learn.

Please remember you can still ask questions here! Or over on my LJ.

March Q & A: Toys!

What toys/implements are in your "toy closet"? Which is your favorite, least favorite, and why?

I thought I had talked about this once in my 7 years of blogging - you would have think it was a topic I would have hit. I talk about toys in general and favorite play quite a bit but not favorite toy/least favorite. I think also because Master uses his hands so much I don't talk about toys much. We do slapping, punching, spanking and he just grabs and twists lots too.

I am not sure I could name them all but I will give it a whirl....okay so you had me curious and so I went and opened up the places where we keep toys. We have some that are really easily available and others that aren't. I know I missed some as I didn't open every container and pouch so not all of them are still here but majority I think I got down....

Straps - long purple one from Fetish Temple that was a gift, short leather homemade one, one that is like a dog toy with a leather strap and a tennis ball on the end of it. The long one and the one with the ball can cause quite a bit of pain. Especially the ball

Paddles - 4 wooden, 1 leather, 1 padded ping pong

Canes - a couple bamboo, 1 delrin (ouch)

Crop, Single Tail, Dressage Whip, Evil Stick, Baton (conductor baton), Drum sticks, Drum mallets

Floggers - 3 rubber (2 of them I made), 5 leather/suede, 2 rabbit fur, 1 kite string (I made - good to get wet or put in the freezer), 1 braided leather tails and then the viper (3 braided leather tails with v-pieces of leather on the end to make them even more stingy)

Restraint/Bondage type stuff - Spreader bar, all sorts of different colored duct tape, foam wrap for under tape, bondage tape, saran, rope, chain, arm restraints, cuffs (4 sets) and bondage mittens

3 blindfolds, ball gag, o-ring gag, head harness gag, gas mask, collars (9), hoods (7)

Clips - lots of different kinds - some actually BDSM play stuff but the majority is diy kind (clothes pins, vice grips, metal chip clips and so on) - only clips I don't think we have are clover - we have one the other broke so we don't have a pair. And they are actually my favorite clip because they actually stay on my nipples. Most clips don't stay on them. We have forceps though and those stay on too.

Lots of DIY stuff - wax, wooden spoons, spatulas, chopsticks/skewers & little rubber bands to make clips, abrasion stuff (different brushes), age play stuff (diapers, bottles, coloring books, pacifer), dog dish (these were the containers I didn't open up lots because I knew they had lots of little things in them).


Okay so least favorites: Paddles - I can't stand paddles. I have a love/hate with the cane. I crave it but I can't stand it when it is used. I don't like the long leather strap. The ball strap too is a love/hate relationship as I crave it but it hurts.

Favorites: Stingy...I like stingy toys - the viper, the braided flogger, the single tail, the dressage whip. The evil stick and baton - are love/hate too. They are toys Master uses more then others too. I think I like them because I like the marks and eventually the pain I can fall into also. Hoods, gas mask, rope - are favorites too.

Of course there are times I don't like any toys that they all hurt in a way that I can't process very well. But when my masochism has come out - then stingy is what just wraps me up completely so I can fall into the darkness.

Please remember you can still ask questions here! Or over on my LJ.

March Q & A: when does it hit

Every once in awhile, something just really hits hard about belonging to someone else. Often it is the craziest things that have nothing to do with submitting. What are some of those moments that have just gotten to you and make you realize just who you are?

I think the most of the time moments that remind me who I am....in unpleasant ways is when I have my period. I get irritated quicker about having to ask to use the bathroom. I get irritated faster when he is caught in what he is doing so he doesn't give me permission to eat. But when I don't have my period most of the time it is just so much a part of who I am that it goes past without notice. It is just during my period I lose my patience and inner zen/calm. Everything seems bigger. And of course he isn't doing anything different then he does the rest of the month -- it just me getting all out of whack with my hormones that is processing and seeing things different then they actually are in reality.

During everyday normal daily existence I get smacked with who I am by just little things every once in a while. Such as Master dropped me off at strip mall while he went to a meeting on Saturday. I hadn't asked him before hand if I could buy anything as I really didn't think I would be wanting anything. I was just killing time while he was in his meeting. But of course I found some notecards I knew he would like and then a pack for a friend. So I struggled with if he would be okay with me buying them. (BTW I don't have a cell as most of the time I am with Master when we go out so I don't need one.) I figured since the total purchase would be under $10 he wouldn't mind and bought it. But in the store I really struggled back and forth with it because I am owned and everything I do I ask permission so it just was throwing my brain into a tizzy. It probably took 10 to 15 minutes of me talking to myself if it would be okay and that just really brought home who I am.

Other times it comes usually is when buying things too. Like a few weeks ago I was just craving jelly beans and unowned of course I would have just went out and bought them. But I can't do that. I have to ask permission, he will say yes or no and then if he says yes he will bring me to go get them. So there are moments similar that happens where I am very aware I am owned.


Please remember you can still ask questions here! Or over on my LJ.

Happy Easter!

It is that time of year to pimp a our BDSM Egg-stravaganza. A few years ago Master and I spent an evening making Easter eggs but with a BDSM theme.