Mood: tired - insomnia really kicking my butt right now
Topics: lots of things
Buffy the Vampire Slayer....
You know with fall here and such I guess I am having the itch to watch a new Buffy and of course that is not happening. But FX is started the 7th season on Friday afternoon, which means I will have the PVR catching those on Monday morning. They play 4 episodes a day of Buffy on FX. The 2 in the afternoon they end up playing the next morning. And Master has the PVR set to record them in the morning. :) It will be interesting to see the 7th season again, as it was the last. I only missed one episode that season…I think.
On Halloween they are doing a Buffy Marathon. It looked like they are going to play Hush. I hope they do, as Master has wanted to see that one. There is no talking in that one. It is kind of creepy that one I think is one of those that gave me nightmares after I saw it the first time. Now after seeing it several times I just think it is a f*cking great episode. They just had such a great writing team on Buffy.
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I am PMSing. I am going through most of the normal things for me - wanting to eat everything in sight, insomnia, overly emotional, and also my body is also reacting. Right before my period my body gets very turned on and excited. My clit gets really sensitive. My cunt hot. Everything throbs. But yet mentally I am not that turned on right now and I wonder why it works that way...Why does the body act like it is turned on but mentally I am not really there?
It is something I struggle with because it seems the older I get the more I need my mind to be there as well as my body for me to get pleasure out of it. I can certainly give pleasure without my mind being there, but when my mind is there then a person can tell because I am more umm enthusiastic lol It is hard for me to "turn it on" these days. It has to be coaxed and worked on. And it does not make me very happy.
Sex has always been important to me. It is one of those things that release endorphins that my body needs to be more well balanced emotionally and even mentally. I am much more relaxed when I am having sex often. Same goes with S&M.
I guess I hate that I think sex or S&M could be a need but I think they are because they do release endorphins that are positive for my well being. I guess I compare it to the way people need sun. Could they survive without sun? Yes they probably could adapt. Just like I could adapt to not having sex or S&M. But if does having the sun affect them in a positive way…yes. And the same goes with sex and S&M for me.
Okay that was a ramble LOL
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I am doing an article on Submission not being a gift. I really think it is like SSC. It is a BDSM slogan to make people looking in from the outside feel "better" about "us." And it makes newbie submissives to feel "valuable" and safe. It is a way to romanticize BDSM.
I also have been wondering if the gift of submission is for those that want to be submissive. And that those being a slave don't see it as a gift because slavery really is not a choice? Still kind of throwing that one around in my brain.
I just posted these questions to a few lists…feel free to answer them in the comment section or email me if you have not seen them on a list…I am really interested in hearing what people think.
Do you believe submission is a gift? Do you feel you are a Dominant, Master, Top, submissive, bottom, slave or striving to be one of those choices? Something else? Do you think slavery is a choice?
It is kind of interesting that while researching this topic there were articles that I found to be very logical in their points and ever agreed, but it still did not sit well with me. Definition of a word used in different contexts to me.
Well of course I have more thoughts on this but....I will save it for the article.
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Just a little life update…
I have been having many nights of insomnia. It could be the time of the year, PMS, just stresses going on…or a combination of them. I hate it though. I had been doing much better (for me) with my sleeping patterns. But they are kind of out of whack right now.
Master is doing REALLY well. I am really still amazed how much He has been able to do. He is still sore and I know He is frustrated thinking it is taking longer then He wants it too. But really to me He is healing very fast. He goes back to work on Monday. It will be strange not have Him here during the day - when I have had Him here for 2 weeks.
Because of my insomnia and also our normal routine not in place since Master's surgery…the house has gotten away from me. So my big tasks this week will be getting down and dirty with the housecleaning! LOL
I am having some struggles with acceptance and letting go of expectations. That is all I am going to say on it now because I have not even really dealt with it yet. But I have had it coming up in my face in other areas….like a mirror trying to show me what I am doing. I just have been in denial…I do that so well though :)
Okay I better sign off and go check on Master.
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