Master and I have been having some serious talks about all sorts of things in our life. We have had some miscommunications and been working on getting those straightened out.
I have moments where I just feel I can't do anything right lately.
We keep talking though and that is good....to keep communicating. It is hard for me at times to talk because I have problems getting the thoughts out. I guess you would think it would be easy...I am thinking a thought so why can't I just say it but it never quite that easy...it is not in my brain always in forms of sentences and "diplomatic" thoughts. So I can't get it out. Or even more so it is feelings that I can't form into sentences. Anyway...I have problems communicating verbally.
Next subject...Daddy/little girl
Shortly before we left for Ohio, I started having some Daddy/little girl issues coming up, but I did not have time to deal with them. And now that we are back home they have been coming up more and more. Plus now...a couple weeks ago I had someone contact me - who I had a Daddy/little girl relationship with - so now those issues are even closer to the surface.
When I came to visit Master back in Feb., before moving here, Master came home with a coloring book and crayons. I was touched, but I also felt this place in side ache with pain. Because I was hurt before - so I have closed that part of myself off even though I want to be little girl. I want to let that part of me out and play...but I am so scared of getting hurt. I do let her out in just little brief moments...where Master says something and it just happens....she comes out. Master said He saw a wall back in Feb and knew it was something that would take a long time. He said He saw the wall. :(
Lately I have been wanting to let that part out more....especially the princess part....
The princess I think comes out more around my birthday. I believe that is because as a child we (my sisters and I) were made to feel totally special on our birthday. I was the princess on my birthday...and so I think because it was such a big deal in my family I feel comfortable being princess around my birthday.
I attended a chat online one night about Daddy/little girl relationships. I kept getting booted out so I did not get to participate but the things I did see I thought were interesting. The man leading the discussion was asked why he thought people pick the ages they do....and he felt it was when they lost their innocence...that is the age they go back to when they were innocent. It made sense for myself....as the age I am the most often is 4. And then also I am a teenage and those would be both times I lost innocence.
I am not sure how to go about healing the little girl in me, so that I can let that part out more with Master. He takes good care of me and I know He would be a good Daddy. So it has nothing to really do with "distrust" in Him. It is more of my feelings of being scared. Scared of lots of different things...probably Daddy leaving though is the biggest fear.
Anyway...I want to try to heal just not sure how to go about it.
My Mom & Birthdays....
Tonight I was thinking of childhood birthdays and made me think that I think this year for my birthday I am going to write a thank you to my Mom because it is her that made birthdays such a big deal in our house. She always made them very special and I appreciate that more as I get older.
Today I was reading an entry from Edgeliving....slave marsha talks about the magic circle and I could relate to it. She talks about that she wants to be in the magic circle. The magic circle is what I consider S&M, Sex and Service S&M. My definition of S&M Service is serving in ways that touch those masochist buttons such as being an object for your Dominants enjoyment - such as being a footstool, doing things such as pissing on oneself and being humiliated for your Dominants enjoyment. But what seems to happen is that we don't get to do those magic circle things very often.
We serve in more mundane ways. And that is why I feel my life as come full circle. I mentioned a while back that it almost seems like I have come full circle. I left my ex-husband over 5 years ago. I was a housewife but I was very submissive in our relationship. Today I make Master's life easier by being His domestic slave, I make phones calls for repair people, I make lists and work on them to help make His life easier. Those are all things I did basically as a housewife....but mindset is different. I know if I don't do my duties there are ramifications. I know I am property that Master can do what He wishes with...with my ex-husband of course at anytime I could have said NO...not that I did but I could have lol
What I wondered after reading her entry is do we do the mundane in hopes to be in the magic circle? I know I hope and dream of it and some days I wish I had more of the magic circle but could not be who I am without the mundane. I am not sure that makes sense. I guess what I am saying is I want the mundane too. I want to make Master's life easier - I want to cook His meals, make His bed, clean His toilet, and do all the other odd-n-ends I do for Him. But I also want the magic circle and as slave marsha I believe in magic :)
Master's.... SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22–Dec 21): Your fiery intentions are magnified by this Aries Full Moon. You feel feisty, alive and in the moment. You might be feeling more emotional than usual and could want to address these feelings with romantic engagements. Charm is on your side. Use it wisely.
mine...LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): It may feel as if you’ve been too nice and now it’s time to let your partner know what you really have been feeling. No need to go overboard on this one, but don’t be afraid of expressing your needs. If you don’t let others know what you want, they’ll never know what to give you.
Master's....(wow this sounds accurate for our plans tomorrow)...SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22–Dec 21): You’ve got your work hat on this weekend as you attend to the details of your life. You are ready to tackle a serious project now or can be willing to help someone else on theirs. Either way, don’t bite off more than you can chew.
mine...LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): You might be drawn now toward creative projects, but they’ll need to be more useful than what you sometimes create. You know what you’d like to be making, but instead you channel your creative energy into something that has real value. Keep it real.