kaya was talking about the girl in the box....here is the story online (the book A Perfect Victim goes into a lot more detail.) Master gave me this link shortly after I moved in.I get conflicted when I read stories like that because on one hand it turns me on the non-consensual acts - the assault, rape, kidnapping - they are all things I fantasizes about when I masturbate. I have had many fantasies about such things. And I even lived through situations personally that skirt that edge where my mind can't tell the difference between consensual and non-consensual. I think of things from my past such as when I was with Don. I was held down by 4 men....I said no and struggled as they forced open every hole to pleasure them. I go between the memories of fear and dislike of it although I was wet and had orgasms during it. And now I think of the evening now and turns me on that they didn't stop. So as I think about it or other situations in my life...or read stories as the one in the link above....my breath quickens, my skin start to become sensitive and tingle and I feel the wetness build between my legs...and I have to keep reading...I have to keep thinking of those things. Because it turns me on. I like the thought of struggling and saying no and being forced and beaten into submission.
But then at times...guilt kicks in and I see a story of a person who was assaulted, raped, kidnapped and put through things that "shouldn't" turn me on. I think of my past and think those things should make me wet and desire them again. I don't want people to suffer or go through that kind of abuse and trauma. So I struggle with the fact something that is "wrong" is turning me on.
For the most part I just try to let it go and know it is what I desire. I know I didn't want the person in the story to experience it...I didn't want her hurt. And so I balance my morality with the intoxicating desires I experienced and read about.
This was a really good post as I struggle with this also. I read a lot of true crime and would fantasize about some of it (like Perfect victim) and then feel guilty like I wasn't supposed to think like that.
ReplyDeleteEspecially since my Dad was in corrections and I had so many cops around my house growing up...I felt like it was wrong to even think like I was about the true crime books.
I admit since my rape several years ago I don't read as many of the true crime and turned to reading more erotic stories like submission or the Beauty series and that.
I'm glad you wrote this post..I'm glad to know I am not alone in my feelings...
BIG HUGS
padme amidala