March Q & A: BDSM Community

Have you ever been to a munch, event or BDSM gathering? Pros and cons of attending such gatherings?
I lived in Cleveland before I moved to be with Master here in Colorado. And in Cleveland, I participated in several groups - Ohio SMART and then a group that is no longer around but it was called Carpe Diem that a good friend of mine was one of the organizers. (Also was part of some other groups - but those weren't as long term - one was a submissive group and another was an all women's group.) I helped out at Carpe Diem at times. And then was a regular volunteer with Ohio SMART. I also volunteered for 2 events that were in Ohio - Ohio Leather Fest and SMARTfest.

When I became Master's, we attended Thunder in the Mountains several times as it is in Denver which is 4 hours from us. But we don't have any local BDSM community here. And it is something I MISS SO MUCH! I go through some down times when I read others that have been to a group or play party. I miss having others that I don't have to "hide" part of myself around. I miss just having that interaction.

Pros and Cons....Well pros I guess would be what I was just saying being able to be around similar minded people, just having the interaction with those that are in the lifestyle, making friends of like mind, learning new things, being able to do things we can't in normal everyday settings. Such as at Thunder in the Mountains the whole hotel is taken over by kinky folk so I was able to dress in fetish wear. You can't walk through the lobby naked but I enjoyed just being able to dress as little girl there. It was so nice to be free like that. To be able to have the thick metal collar on while standing in the lobby with a Master hold the leash that is attached to it...is just exciting and fun. So those things are pros. I am sure I am missing some pros too.

Cons....well cons is that even though we might be similar minded we can always find those that don't agree with what it is that we do. Just because someone is into BDSM or D/s doesn't mean they "approve" of M/s. Just because someone is into M/s doesn't mean they don't think those that BDSM are weekend warriors or players. (just to clarify I don't think those things -- it is just assumptions that are made by some people.) So con is there are people who are judgmental of how you do what you do.

A con for me that I didn't get until I was here is that I got so involved in the lifestyle that through the groups and just living the lifestyle being a slave/submissive that I let many things I truly enjoyed slip away such as my art. Because I made the D/s my whole life. I am truly thankful Master encouraged me to do art again.


Have you played in public in those type of settings?
Yes I have played in public. Again something I miss at times but other times I think oh no I wouldn't want to play in public anymore. But I used to play in public quite a bit as a good friend of mine had a semi-public play space. I mean semi-public because it wasn't open to the public but only those that were associated with the local group.

Thunder in the Mountains though was probably the biggest play space I have played in and both times of course was with Master.

If you have played in public do you get self conscious? Have you had any negative experiences when playing in public?
Sometimes I do get self conscious. When I was in the play space that my friend owned, I never really felt self conscious. It was a safe place for me - always surrounded by friends. But I did at Thunder in the Mountains - I felt very exposed and uncomfortable at times. I know my pain thresh old went down because my brain was so conscious of my surroundings that I couldn't get into a place of being wrapped into my masochism. We still had fun. I just couldn't totally let go.

For the most part I haven't had negative experience playing in public. Oh but once with an ex though - we went to an event and we were trying to play and there was a group of people standing maybe 5 feet from us and they were so loud. They weren't playing they were just standing around talking and laughing really loudly. I couldn't get into the play at all. I just kept listening to their conversation instead because I couldn't tune them out. So that is really the only negative experience when playing in a public play space.


What do you wear to such gatherings?
Well that just really depends on what kind of event or group it is and more importantly where it is at. Such as Carpe Diem had a social once a month at a restaurant so of course wearing most fetish wear wouldn't be appropriate for such a setting. So most of the time that was just dressing sexy. And really for the most part that is how I dress at events, meetings and play parties. It just would depend on setting on how revealing. Such as I have a black satin top that laces up the front but only in the breast area so it hangs open showing quite a bit of skin. That I wear to play parties with a short skirt and thigh highs. Other times I might wear a longer black skirt with slit up the side and zebra print see through shirt with a black satin tank under it. I have a few corset type tops, leather and suede skirts too that I wear to events or play parties. I have also done as I stated above little girl and school girl. I did a baby doll with a little cardigan, tights, mary janes - and then a good friend did my hair in braids and I carried a teddy bear and carried my princess purse at one event play party. I have several plaid school girl skirts so have done that route too. But really at these kind of things you see everything from jeans and t-shirts to full out rubber.

I know the person asking was asking because she has never been to anything like this so my advice is just to dress in something comfortable - that you feel good in and go and see what others wear. You will not be out of place because really everyone dresses differently.

Have you ever encountered people in the lifestyle that were against how you do M/s? Told you are you are dangerous? Or not real?
Yes, yes and yes. Okay I know you want a longer answer then that. I have encountered people that didn't agree with M/s. They thought being a slave was insane and unsafe. I have been told I needed my head examined. I have had people tell me I am insane and dangerous many times. I have had people tell me I am in an abusive situation. I have had tell people everything under the sun with what was wrong with M/s.

I have also been told I am not real because well for all sorts of silly reasons. Once upon a time told I wasn't real here - that I was making my blog up. And I am like if you don't think I am real then so be it. I have met lots of people offline. It would be pretty stupid of me to lie here and then turn around and have to face all the people I know offline that read me. I have been told I wasn't real because I don't write about SM enough. I have been told I wasn't real because I struggle. I have been told I am not real because I am not fond of kneeling or being called pet. As I said I lots of silly reasons people give me for not being real.

It was a real sore spot for me in the Cleveland community for a bit as I felt I was really attacked for my beliefs. And that bothered me that I couldn't explain myself in a way that let know I wasn't really insane. I mean to see me now living the life I talked about now I am sure many of them would say well your life is good and normal. You aren't insane...or maybe they would still think I am insane and it is just my hopeful wishing that they would accept me as is. Acceptance is a big issue for me. But that isn't the point of the question....

The point is yes I have been told I am not real, dangerous and that I am not doing "this" right. It is sad we can't agree to disagree but accept people as for what they are. But what is important is for each person to do what works for them.

And I also want to add....I met some amazing people at the groups, meetings, play parties and events I have been too. I made some wonderful friends from Ohio SMART and Carpe Diem. Friends that did accept me even if they didn't always understand my need to be a slave. I also am very honored and happy I was able to volunteer for those groups. It was a lot of fun and a good learning experience.