Does the D/s fade?

Is it unavoidable for the D/s to fade or become sporadic in a long-term D/s relationship?

I think it is a common misunderstanding that the D/s is fading. But to me once you get to know each other and the honeymoon periods ends --- we are actually in the real state of the relationship. And I think we tend to forget to enjoy that state. We just keep thinking back on the honeymoon period and saying why can't it be like that. When in reality, that wasn't the real state of how things would be long term. So D/s isn't fading. The new relationship energy and honeymoon period is fading and real life is left in its place.

The power dynamic we have was set in place is still there. It is there even more to me now. I see myself as slave more now then I did at that time. Because now I feel I serve him more. Those early days he had to have much more focus on me and attention to train me and also just because I was a needy girl. Now he doesn't.

I think sometimes maybe we are more comfortable with the struggles and excitement that happens in the beginning of the relationship then the just everyday-ness that life has to it. It took a while for me to be grateful for the everyday ordinary quality my life has to it - when I was so used to the chaos of my life before Master. And I have learned to appreciate that I am owned, serve an amazing man and get peace from that.

Submission is not a gift to me.....

Just a reminder this is my journal -- so my opinions. I understand that many feel submission is a gift and have their reasons. But for me....I don't feel submission is a gift. I feel it is another one of those BDSM slogans we have that tries to make what we do seem okay to vanillas or do "newbies." (newbies in quotes as I don't like the term either.) It feels like it is "look see I only give my precious gift of submission to this one person and he will handle that gift with care and cherish it so it is okay - we are okay" It feels very much like a romanticized version of BDSM.

So I don't think submission is a gift because...

* Well looking at the dictionary as it is often the place I start - the word "gift" means: a thing given willingly to someone without payment, something acquired without compensation and a natural ability or talent.

Well reality is that I am in a relationship and try to keep my feet grounded in reality. I don't expect payment but there are things I get in submitting to Master. I mean he isn't just sitting around (gift of submission kind of implies he is to me). As I said it is a relationship and that means not just one person in it - goes back and forth between the people in the relationship. I also get things from serving and submitting to Master. I get pleasure and feelings of accomplishment/pride and many other things. So then by the dictionary definition it is not a gift.

* It is often heard that submission is the best gift you can give your dominant. And I have to say if you think that then I really feel your relationship isn't going to be lasting long. How about devotion? How about obedience? How about loyalty? How about determination? How about the many varied services you can offer through the many skills you have? I have much more then submission to give.

* I think calling it the gift of submission makes it seem more important then what the dominant does in the relationship. To me it sounds like the submissive is doing everything an the dominant is sitting there. And that isn't true. A relationship takes all parties being involved in it.

* If submission is a gift and you have limits and want to negotiate that submission when it is given and how it is given then is it really a gift? It sounds like a gift with strings then. To me a gift is given and then that person owns the gift to do what they like with it. When giving a gift just gave ownership to another person - completely. My Aunt gave me an sweater that doesn't fit and I gave it to goodwill. It was my right as she gave me that gift - I now own it and can do with it what I like. I can appreciate that she gave me a gift and like it without "cherishing it."

I can hear well then I wouldn't deserve the submissive's gift of submission. Well then I say put your feet on the ground because life changes. What I give today might not suit him 10 years from now. Just like I enjoyed cherries 6 years ago but now my stomach just can't handle them now. It doesn't mean I didn't value the wonderful tastes and pleasure the cherries gave me. It just changed. I enjoyed it at one time. I don't now. It is a harsh reality to think we might not be with your dominants 10 years from now but reality is some of the best of couples needs/wants change. It is reality.

* I always try to find the vanilla equivalent as I feel we aren't all that different from the counter part. So is a woman gifting her husband with marriage by being his wife? Being a wife is just part of the relationship when getting married. Submitting is just part of a D/s and M/s relationship.

* A gift is given willingly and freely so when I struggle in my submission then again is that really a gift? If a gift is given willingly then my submission should always be given easily and willingly - without struggles. I am human - I struggle.


* Flowers are a gift. Chocolates are a gift. There are many wonderful gifts out there. Giving flowers and chocolates means seeing the person smile and feeling good about it. It is a pretty package. Submission isn't always fun or pretty. It isn't always something I enjoy. It is something that is a part of my relationship.


* I have also heard the gift is really trust and love so that you can submit to the "one." As they are all things that go naturally hand and hand. Well first trust and love can be parts of a relationship just like submission. Next I don't need trust and love to submit. I do trust and love Master. We are even hearts and flowery romantics at times. We just are mushy. I can look at our relationship through rosy glasses and do get caught up in it. And I totally get submitting to someone you trust. I do think most of us seek that but trusting the person doesn't automatically make submission a gift. It just means you trust the person and you now can submit - sounds like compatibility. (Also that can go back to the definition again because that it wouldn't be a gift. The gift then wasn't given freely without payment -- a person giving the gift of submission after trust and love are in place got trust and love and now are submitting.)

* In terms of slavery -- gift implies choice to me and I don't have a choice. I submit because I am owned.

Well I feel I am repeating myself now but I think I covered why I don't feel submission is a gift.

Started a Fetlife Group

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Power Exchange?

During March questions someone asked me views that have changed over the years. At the time I think I didn't really come up with a lot even though I know views have changed but today I was reading over some old entries. I saw myself use the words power exchange. And over the years I am not sure I see it as a power exchange. Because the words to me feel like they are a give and take. And I don't think I am giving as much as just being. I believe more in this is who we are together. The dynamic happens because of who we are...He is the Mater and owns me. And I am a slave and owned by him. It is probably a semantics thing. Anyway I have tried hard over the years not to use those words. But I also know that it is a common phrase used in the lifestyle so sometimes I have used it just because it is something that explains our dynamic the closest that people will understand it.

Little Moments Mean So Much

Today I went to take a shower and Master came in to piss on me while in the shower. After we kissed, he took me by the hair and shoved me under the water in a way that I was sputtering and trying to get some air in. He let go of my hair and shoved my body against a wall in the shower and started to punch and slap my tits and then slapped my cunt. He kissed me again and then left me to finish my shower - quite weak kneed.

A topic for a Kink Conference....

If you were asked to do a workshop at a kink conference, what topic would you chose to do? Why?

Well...I have done that - spoke at conference and meetings. And I am horrible at it as I am such a nervous public speaker that the whole front row moves back for fear of me getting sick on them. So not sure I would want to do that again. But I know that if we (Master and I) were asked he would probably say yes so I would have to deal.

My very first time public speaking in the BDSM community was in 1999. It was about being living life as 24/7 slave. I wore a corset type top that laced up the front and my tits were spilling out of it and I told everyone to look at them instead of listening because I was so nervous. And everyone there would agree and several commented on it, but it is also when I got the label insane for being a slave. I had lots of you really do this 24/7 type comments. The very good thing of that night is that I met a very close friend - Moni. She came up to me after the meeting and we look at each other and knew things about each other just in the one look.

The last time I spoke it was with Master and again so damn nervous I felt like I was reading a book report instead of speaking from passion of the topic which is living life within reality.

I usually always speak about M/s relationships so if I had to speak again I am sure it would be about that.

Humiliation

There is a thread on a FetLife group about humiliation. (BTW are you seeing a trend of posting by jumping off on topics there? - thank goodness huh?) Humiliation is one of those things that can make me so wet and leave me with thoughts of it ages and ages afterward.

I decided to look up the definition of humiliation. I use onelook.com because it gathers links to all the dictionaries with a definition for that word in one place. Interestingly enough it also linked to "Humiliation (BDSM)" on Wikipedia.

Definitions of humiliation taken from various dictionaries:

* to reduce to a lower position in one's own eyes or others' eyes : mortify

* to make someone feel ashamed or lose their respect for themselves:

* loss of dignity: the feeling or condition of being lessened in dignity or pride

* lessening of somebody's dignity: the act of damaging somebody's dignity or pride

* The state of being humiliated, humbled or reduced to lowliness or submission.

* state of disgrace or loss of self-respect

* strong feelings of embarrassment

I can say that all of those have happened to me at one time or another in humiliation play. I don't think humiliation has to be a lasting affect. It can happen and just be felt during the play - the moment or for days after or longer. It was suggested on FetLife that most of us just play with a bdsm type of humiliation and not actual humiliation. I do believe there is a BDSM type humiliation. (I haven't had chance to look at the Wikipedia link to see what they say about BDSM humiliation yet.)

I have participated in what I would call BDSM type humiliation play. Someone I was with several years ago used to engage in humiliation play with me. He would call me dirty names, telling me I was worthless and stupid. And it turned me on. It was erotic. And I can even say I enjoyed it. But I can say that it didn't embarrass me or make me feel a loss of dignity, shame or reduced. It just was erotic. Master and I were discussing this the other day and he said it is like someone who bungee jumps. The fear is still there even though they know they are going to be okay. That the cord will pull up before they go splat but the thought is still there and the fear attached to it is too. In the moment I can lose myself and believe I am stupid or worthless but later I know it isn't true.

It turned me on because I desired it to be true so I could lose myself in that moment and feel it was true. During play with that person, I would often ask him if he really believed it. And he would say it with such conviction that in the moment I would often believe him. But deep down somewhere - I wasn't able to believe it was true (I knew I wasn't going to go splat) but I could feel some emotions that made it seem true in the moment. Of course later reality set in and I could say I am not stupid or worthless or whatever it was he told me before. But during the play I am soaking wet, twisting and writhing on the bed and ready to hear more.That to me is BDSM humiliation.

I then can think of another partner who uttered the same words to me, but it had different feelings attached to it. I did feel loss of dignity, reduced, strong embarrassment and worthlessness. I felt it. It was like looking into a mirror and I could see the truth because there was no hiding from it. He just had this way about him that when he called me worthless. I felt and saw it and there was going to be no pretending wit him. I struggled against it - trying to to tell myself it wasn't true. I would tell myself he is an asshole and I did't deserve this. I would turn way and deny it. But he would grab me and make me look again. He would force me to look at these things I have felt about myself even if was just for a moment. All those words whispered in the dark...all those things that are stuffed away in boxes inside - the ugliness inside you --- "this is who you are and you are fooling the rest of the world." But he saw it and didn't let me hide it.

So I struggled, cried, wanted to scream at him, and hit him - tell him he was lying but at the same time all of it was happening hearing his words pound through my head -- I was getting more and more turned on. It was real. 

Can I look back and say he really thought those things. I have no idea. But in the moment I believed it and felt it. And thinking about the many times we played with humiliation -- all of the feelings of being reduced and feeling the lowest of low come flooding back.

Like that man that said those things to me, Master has found that what works good is to use the things that go on inside my head against me. He tells me and shows me that I am the things that I believe deep inside, but try to deny out loud.

Humiliation play though has become trickier with Master.  I believe that is because of how I feel about him. When he does tell me I am dirty or that I am nothing, I believe it totally and completely. So it has created some complications in playing with humiliation because it can have some lasting affects that are negative to the dynamic and just my service in general. Sometimes he is okay with that other times he doesn't like it. 

Though we do still play with it and it still turns me on. Because humiliation play is one of those things that stays with me -- even when though I fight against it. Just to show how it can affect me - how long it can last....there was this time when we were still long distant. At the time I was still in the escorting business. So I was an actual whore. And Master and I were having phone sex. I can hear the whole conversation in my head like it happened 10 minutes ago.

He told me all the things I thought deep inside. I was always amazed I had clients, always amazed that I could turn men on, always amazed that they would pay money for me -- those are all things I thought deep inside, but on the outside could say "well of course they want me." I also had thoughts of I would never find a real relationship because I had been a whore - who would want to own me type thoughts. Because I would be "dirty" and not worth fucking because I was used so much. (side note: although I thought all those things inside I can still say I miss being a whore.)

As I said I can still remember the conversation with Master clearly and get turned on thinking of it. He had that sadistic sound in his voice. His voice gets this primal animistic sound to it as he told me all the things I thought privately. I had never uttered those things outloud to anyone and here he said them all to me. He confirmed it ALL. He made me feel worthless, dirty and small. He pointed out all the flaws I believed were reasons clients wouldn't want me or a Master wouldn't want me. He used the words that I had heard whispered deep inside. And I just felt the worthlessness wash over me. I had tears well up in my eyes. He told me I should be paying them to have sex with me. That I would be lucky to lick dog shit from their boots. I felt dirty and like a nothing. I remember having such a strong orgasm as tears streamed down my face because I was so upset.

Thinking about it right now - I feel that trembling inside - that voice inside saying no that isn't true and then that other little piece of me going "yes yes it is true"...and that feeling of smallness, shame and embarrassment washes over me. But I am tingling with sensations at the same time. Just thinking about a conversation that happened over 5 years ago can turn me on and make me feel all the feelings I felt in that moment.

And of course I never posted about it back then because I was humiliated. I am struggling with posting about it now because those feelings of humiliation are there up in my face.

Humiliation for me is what reaches deep inside and brings all of the whispers I say to myself late at night when no one can hear or see the truth. It's powerful, it's dark, it's showing me a mirror of truth in that moment. It's brings to the surface the silent confirmations. It reveals the flaws I see and feel. It isn't fun, but damn does it turn me on!

Wish I didn't.....

There is a FetLife group for lifestyle blog prompts...

The first question is...."something you have done that you wish you didn't."

I think in life in general we all have those things we wish we didn't do. Not really a regret just moments we cringe at the thought of it. I am not happy how I got into or how I handled some relationships. I do go back and forth with a wish that one relationship I was in didn't happen at all. But if that would have been the case then I wouldn't have met some lovely people. And I know I learned a lot in that time and experience many things I wouldn't have if I hadn't been there.

But as far as actual BDSM type things I wish I haven't done....even the things that were the most painful or degrading don't come to mind as something I wish I hadn't done. BDSM doesn't always equal fun to me. Just because something is hard, beyond pain I thought I could handle or mentally/emotionally hard to handle -- doesn't mean it doesn't turn me on. In fact many of those times -- thinking of them even now make me wet.

In service of course, I have screwed up and done things I wish I didn't but a lot of those things I have moved past and don't even remember what it was that I did before. I now do the thing he likes and that is all that I need to keep focus on.

And of course when these type of questions are asked I can never come up with anything. A month from now I will think of something.

Blogroll

Right now my side bar is looking a little odd with my links as I am trying out a new blogger feature of a blogroll that shows the last time a person posted. But I am not sure I like it so I am going to keep it there for a week or so to decide if what I think. If I do like it, those that have rss feeds will be moved to it and those that don't will be under another heading/section of links (because I did find a few of you that don't when I went through some links to add there).

For a Blow Job

I have an icon that I used on a post recently that says "Blow Job only Job I'll ever love." And it would work for today too...but since I just used it I won't use it again so soon.

Earlier Master was getting ready to go out and I was setting out his clothes. He has this pair of khaki shorts that I like and it isn't that he doesn't like them -- he just likes other shorts better. So I went in while he was taking his shower and said, "If I set out the khaki shorts would you wear them?" And he smiled and said "for a blow job"

I of course said yes to that deal! I think I am making out better. I get to see him in his khaki shorts (that I think look damn sexy on him) and I get to give him a blow job.

(Now reality is he could tell me to give him a blow job whenever but it is fun to just play at times.)

Weekend Away

Coming home from being out of town always sucks because I crash and just not feel like talking or having much interaction with anyone but Master.

But that aside we did have a nice weekend. A night or few nights away in a hotel makes things different and new.....it shakes things up a bit and gives our sex life a boost of new energy. So we were both looking forward to getting away this past weekend just for that. Master had me pack a few toys and the hitachi wand too.

So what ends up happening Saturday night...I got sick. Dinner didn't agree with me. Of course that means no fun for us which is just so annoying. I started crying and apologizing and Master of course is telling me that it isn't my fault. Not like I wanted to be sick.

Sunday morning I woke up feeling good and Master obviously did too because he started in on punching me and slapping me. We were making up for Saturday night. My favorite part of the morning was Master punching my cunt over and over and over and I was having one orgasm after another. Oh how I enjoyed the feel of his fist pounding against my bits. It hurt that hurt that took my breath away. I was soaking wet after that.

We had a quick break between family functions that day and needed to go back to our hotel to change out of dress clothes into casual but Master had other ideas too. And so Master had me suck his cock then we got cleaned up and left again. It was one of those times that made me feel so used and I loved it. I was fully dressed and he just had me get him off and that was the only thing on his mind. It turned me on.

There wasn't anymore time to play before heading back home but I am glad we at least had a little fun while in the hotel room. I mean we didn't really do anything different then we do at home but it just feels different. It is just a little more exciting.

Quote: Reality

"What one has not experienced, one will never understand in print." -Isadora Duncan

Damn that is true. I mean how many times have I read others blogs and thought wow that would be impossible for me to handle or the opposite that would be fun and then they turned out differently when I experienced. How many times have I or other blog authors gotten comments about how insane or unsafe we are but the person commenting isn't even involved in BDSM or better yet they are and still tell us we are unsafe -- yet they never have experienced what is being described in print but yet of course we are unsafe and insane. We can't understand it until we experience it. And of course even then we aren't all the same so even though I love to be slapped doesn't mean every one does. Just thought the quote was interesting.

1930's Marital Scale + Quick Update

We are out of town right now at a family function. Life has been so crazy lately. I have been working quite a bit (work for Master for his business) so my time has been very limited. I was looking the last couple months my blog entries even over on livejournal has been down. I just am so brain dead by the time I stop for the day that I can't focus on journaling. Anyway, that is what is going on and why I haven't posted much lately. So now on to "fluff" - a quiz.

66 As a 1930s wife, I am Superior Take the test!

Here is the scoring....
0-24 - Very Poor (Failure)
25-41 - Poor
42-58 - Average
59-75 - Superior
76+ - Very Superior

The Poly Train Wreck

I was chatting with a good friend about poly and although I have some very good memories I have some areas that look like a train wreck waiting to happen. And they did happen.

I have mentioned a few times of being part of a poly family when I lived in Ohio. And I really enjoyed that my Owner had others. But I did have problems with how he handled that at times - at times he handled things really really well but then for some reason every once in a while he would slip into a pattern that really made for negative starts into relationships. Such as he would say he wasn't interested in someone when really he was talking via the phone, im's or email and making plans to be with each other and finally it would come out that he was interested and meeting them. He would have sex with someone and say he had safe sex but later it would come out he didn't so he exposed each of us to everyone that person had slept with -- endangering us. He would cover up some of the bad qualities of someone he was interested in knowing they lied, cheated or just lacked general integrity so that we would accept that person. Those are just a few of the things that was done that never made sense to me.

I don't understood why there is a need to cover things up and lie? We are poly. I liked being poly so what was so threatening to telling us the truth? One excuse I have heard in the past was "I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to get upset." Okay how screwed up is that excuse? I mean reality is because he didn't say anything now he made the situation 10 times worse. Honesty is the best policy. In my experience when the person lied and covered it up was because they knew that there was something not on the up and up so they didn't want to handle the backlash to that. So saying that I will be upset is an understatement in that case but again --- telling me later, letting me find out on my own or even worse finding out from someone else will make it worse. So he just added upset on top of upset. If he didn't want to upset me, he shouldn't have lied. And now on top of that because he lied, covered things up and cheated (yes you can cheat in poly relationship) - he now created insecurities and lack of trust that will come up for future situations. So he didn't make the situation better by lying. He have screwed up our fun!

During a road trip Master had me tell him about my experiences with the poly family and he during it was shaking his head. He told me he didn't understand how someone could screw up such a good situation. I mean I am sure it is the dream of many dominants out there - being served by many, having lots of naked bodies around that would do anything you say and having sex many many times a day.

And again I had some really good times being part of a poly family. And I do hope that one day possibly Master and I can enjoy having someone else with us.

The Feeling of Golden Showers

I was reading the watersports group on FetLife and it made me think about my very first golden shower.

It was amazing. It was before Master and with previous owner. We really didn't play with limits in place but when I filled out the bdsm checklist I put watersports as something I wasn't really interested in but would do it. And drinking urine I really didn't want to do at all but would because I am a slave. The thought of it though grossed me out and at that time I felt if I never experienced it I wouldn't be missing out on anything (boy was I wrong on that.) But my previous owner liked Golden Showers so I knew eventually it would be an area I experience.

I remember that day so clearly even now. He told me to kneel in the bathtub. I remember being so nervous my legs felt like they were going to give out on me as I climbed into the tub and knelt. My hands were shaking and my teeth were chattering even though I wasn't cold. I was just nervous and scared. I did not know what to expect but I thought it would be gross and degrading. His stream started and I felt the warmth of the urine hit me. I felt these feelings come up. It was like a gush of emotion coming to the surface. And then surprising myself and him - I just instinctively opened my mouth. I felt submissive - deeply submissive in the moment. I was flying. I felt the warmth hit my body....my breasts and stomach and cunt and legs and I wanted to have his taste in my mouth. So I opened my mouth. He looked at me like are you sure you are ready for this and I nodded. And he did give me a taste. And I swallowed. It sent me spinning and flying further. I knelt there shaking now for totally different reasons after it was done. I looked down at my body seeing the urine still dripping down my body. Felt my long hair sticking to my head and body. I couldn't stand. I couldn't move. I just sat there. He started the shower for me and it took me a while before I could stand up and wash.

Since that first golden shower - I have had varying feelings but mostly a calm comes over me as soon as the urine hits my body. But I really believe it is the context of the golden shower that the feelings follow. Another play partner I was involved with right before I meeting Master, made me feel degraded and dirty when he gave me golden showers. To that point in my experiences with golden showers though they never felt that way. He just did it in ways that made me feel like a dirty whore. And that degradation turned me on just as much as that first one turned me on.

The golden showers I have had from Master have been all over - from humiliating to bring me to the calm - and even humorous where we both are laughing and playing. We have pictures of one golden shower he was giving me and it is very obvious I am laughing in them.

Before my first golden shower though I thought watersports would make me feel dirty and degraded but that first one and many since haven't felt that way at all. I felt submission, love, pride. I always feel nervous before they start but most of the time a calm washes over me. I still have problems not having noodle legs after a golden shower - no matter the context of it. They make me weak in the knees and almost always a little spacey.


(previous entry on golden showers -- from Master's view as well as mine. And had some links on the bottom of the entry about golden showers)

May I go to the bathroom Master?

Last week while I was on the phone with my favorite girlie, I needed to go to the bathroom as we had been talking almost 2 hours. So I went to Master's office and mouthed "may I go to the bathroom?" And he got this evil look in his eye and big smile on his face and said "oh no." Girlie is in the lifestyle and knows of the dynamic I have with Master.
He explained to me I needed to ask -- out loud. I was squirming needing to go to the bathroom but also because I would have to ask and girlie would hear me asking to go to the bathroom. I knew he wouldn't say yes until I asked out loud. I stood there a moment stuttering and blushing. Standing in the doorway to his office I was wiggling and crossing my legs like a 6 year old needing to "go potty." And I squeaked out, "May I go to the bathroom Master?" He said yes.

Having just that little bit of interaction with someone outside our dynamic -- turned me on. It was a nice little spark of something different and it was fun.

Today a good friend of mine posted about a play party she attended and was used like a slut. It reminded me of play parties I attended when I lived in Ohio. It turned me on and made me miss having that interaction with others. But....I know that because of the isolation I have had that it would be hard for me to be as I once was in public settings. I know I would be terribly shy. I mean I was shy before but it is a different kind of shy now.

Love/hate relationships -- I want to interact with others in the lifestyle publicly but I am not sure I could relax like I did when I lived in Ohio.