Long week that went fast....

It has been a long week but it feels like it has went by very fast. Monday Master started back to work and I was really impressed how well He did as He worked late on Monday and Tuesday and also went in early on Tuesday. I worried that He was pushing to fast, but He has assured me when it feels to much He will slow down. Then Wednesday we left for Denver for a funeral. :( We spent the night in Denver and then came back home today.

I was reading on Jade's Journal about something President Bush said and I was so shocked. I got the chills....when I read it.

Here is the quote...."The world is more peaceful and more free under my leadership, and America is more secure," - George W. Bush, 2003-10-28

Uggghh I can't think he would think that let alone say it. Peaceful? Where is the world more peaceful because of -him-? More free? America Secure....ugggh!

It upsets and angers me all at once.

On to other things so that I don't get so worked up I can't sleep because of it....

Master and I did brainstorming in the car for our website. We came up with our domain and some elements of the site. So that was good. :)

I am sure I will write more tomorrow....

Resistance does not mean walls and fences, nonresistance does not mean open space. If you can understand in this way, mind and matter are fundamentally the same. -Tsu-hsin

The you that goes in one side of the meditation experience is not the same you that comes out the other side. -Bhante Henepola Gunaratana, "Mindfulness in Plain English"

Nothing is a waste of time if you use the experience wisely. - Auguste Rodin

3 Years of Blogging!

Today is my 3-year anniversary of starting my blog. I can't believe it...at times it seems just like yesterday. And then other times it seems like I have doing this for more then 3 years.

There has been so much that has happened in the 3 years. And I think that is why at times it seems like more then 3 years. There were struggles, searching, failing, growing, learning, moving, standing still, depression, meaningful friendships built, friendships lost, excitement, times of being lost, being happy, being sad and so much more.

At times it surprises me that I stuck to it. At times I am surprised by the things I am writing - will be read by 100's of people a month. I guess I try not to think about it. I have grown to desire to write. When I go a few days without writing, something inside me starts to feel a little off balanced. It helps me stay sane I guess LOL

I have been reading my archives this last month and they scare me at times, they make me laugh, they make me see how far I have come, they have pissed me off, and made me smile with happy memories.

Through the 3 years there was a constant - my search for a relationship of meaning - a relationship to someone I could submit to….serve…and be enslaved by...

It was scary. I searched for the person to let go...and just let it "be" there....it was hard. There were struggles & fears. But being in a Master/slave relationship is what I kept searching for....

Well what happened is I let go and found a wonderful man there to catch me...guide me, lead me, control me, and love me....

Years of searching - falling - getting back up - going forward - learning - growing....

Finally letting go....

To serve, please and surrender to Him.

Quiz
created by Polly Snodgrass.

WATER OF WATER. Pretty lady! Fair and gentle, your empathy attracts others to you. Possibly psychic, you are pure emotion and are more likely to act on feeling rather than practical thought or logic. You think that's just fine because imagination is important. You are the Whore of Babylon with her cup of abominable things, the Medium of Endor and in the mundane world you usually make a good wife and mother. You shine when you are able to give emotional support to others.

Music: Going between Evanescence's Fallen and Coldplay's A Rush of Blood to the Head
Mood: tired - insomnia really kicking my butt right now
Topics: lots of things

Buffy the Vampire Slayer....

You know with fall here and such I guess I am having the itch to watch a new Buffy and of course that is not happening. But FX is started the 7th season on Friday afternoon, which means I will have the PVR catching those on Monday morning. They play 4 episodes a day of Buffy on FX. The 2 in the afternoon they end up playing the next morning. And Master has the PVR set to record them in the morning. :) It will be interesting to see the 7th season again, as it was the last. I only missed one episode that season…I think.

On Halloween they are doing a Buffy Marathon. It looked like they are going to play Hush. I hope they do, as Master has wanted to see that one. There is no talking in that one. It is kind of creepy that one I think is one of those that gave me nightmares after I saw it the first time. Now after seeing it several times I just think it is a f*cking great episode. They just had such a great writing team on Buffy.

++++++++++

I am PMSing. I am going through most of the normal things for me - wanting to eat everything in sight, insomnia, overly emotional, and also my body is also reacting. Right before my period my body gets very turned on and excited. My clit gets really sensitive. My cunt hot. Everything throbs. But yet mentally I am not that turned on right now and I wonder why it works that way...Why does the body act like it is turned on but mentally I am not really there?

It is something I struggle with because it seems the older I get the more I need my mind to be there as well as my body for me to get pleasure out of it. I can certainly give pleasure without my mind being there, but when my mind is there then a person can tell because I am more umm enthusiastic lol It is hard for me to "turn it on" these days. It has to be coaxed and worked on. And it does not make me very happy.

Sex has always been important to me. It is one of those things that release endorphins that my body needs to be more well balanced emotionally and even mentally. I am much more relaxed when I am having sex often. Same goes with S&M.

I guess I hate that I think sex or S&M could be a need but I think they are because they do release endorphins that are positive for my well being. I guess I compare it to the way people need sun. Could they survive without sun? Yes they probably could adapt. Just like I could adapt to not having sex or S&M. But if does having the sun affect them in a positive way…yes. And the same goes with sex and S&M for me.

Okay that was a ramble LOL

++++++++++

I am doing an article on Submission not being a gift. I really think it is like SSC. It is a BDSM slogan to make people looking in from the outside feel "better" about "us." And it makes newbie submissives to feel "valuable" and safe. It is a way to romanticize BDSM.

I also have been wondering if the gift of submission is for those that want to be submissive. And that those being a slave don't see it as a gift because slavery really is not a choice? Still kind of throwing that one around in my brain.


I just posted these questions to a few lists…feel free to answer them in the comment section or email me if you have not seen them on a list…I am really interested in hearing what people think.

Do you believe submission is a gift? Do you feel you are a Dominant, Master, Top, submissive, bottom, slave or striving to be one of those choices? Something else? Do you think slavery is a choice?

It is kind of interesting that while researching this topic there were articles that I found to be very logical in their points and ever agreed, but it still did not sit well with me. Definition of a word used in different contexts to me.

Well of course I have more thoughts on this but....I will save it for the article.

++++++++++

Just a little life update…

I have been having many nights of insomnia. It could be the time of the year, PMS, just stresses going on…or a combination of them. I hate it though. I had been doing much better (for me) with my sleeping patterns. But they are kind of out of whack right now.

Master is doing REALLY well. I am really still amazed how much He has been able to do. He is still sore and I know He is frustrated thinking it is taking longer then He wants it too. But really to me He is healing very fast. He goes back to work on Monday. It will be strange not have Him here during the day - when I have had Him here for 2 weeks.

Because of my insomnia and also our normal routine not in place since Master's surgery…the house has gotten away from me. So my big tasks this week will be getting down and dirty with the housecleaning! LOL

I am having some struggles with acceptance and letting go of expectations. That is all I am going to say on it now because I have not even really dealt with it yet. But I have had it coming up in my face in other areas….like a mirror trying to show me what I am doing. I just have been in denial…I do that so well though :)

Okay I better sign off and go check on Master.

My website has been taken down - not by me - but by Tripod. So if you find some links aren't working on my blog - that is probably the reason. I guess I will finally have to go to getting hosting. (www.warped.com).

Master has mentioned us getting a domain a few times, but we just have not decided on a name yet. So I guess that will get us kicked into gear to come up with one. Any suggestions?

You are a geisha

When you were a child you began your training, and
even though you bewitch men, you are very innocent.


Learn more about Geisha by looking at the following links:

Geisha

The art of a geisha


What type of women in history are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Success is going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm. - Winston Churchill

Music: Coldplay ~ A Rush of Blood to the Head (just got today with some birthday money :)
Mood: pretty good
Topic: Movie Review of Killing Me Softly

"We spend our lives searching for our other half, you're it." ~Adam

Last night Master and I watched a movie that....well was not great but really had good potential lol

I would watch it again and actually want to see the unrated version *smiles*

It was Killing Me Softly...

BEWARE SPOILERS AHEAD

It had Heather Graham as Alice and Joseph Fiennes as Adam

It is labeled as an erotic thriller. But to me it is more then that....it is a tale of passionate love. It is tale of an obsessive power exchange. It is a tale of living on the edge and not being afraid of falling off that cliff...falling so much you lose yourself in the desire. It is about allowing yourself to need someone and allowing yourself to trust someone. I will get into those more....a little ways down....

Adam is a "famous" mountain climber. Alice is a girl who has everything a girl should want a good job, friends, a nice apartment living with her nice boyfriend. Adam and Alice meet accidentally at a corner but don't talk she seems him go into a bookstore across from her work and can't stop thinking of him so goes over and he comes out just as she was about to go in. Not speaking yet - they get in a car and he takes her to an apartment and they have sex.

How appropriate that her name is Alice because it is almost like she is in wonderland....having an adventure.

So that is how it starts.

Then the move establishes that Adam definitely wants control. But part of me feels he wants it to show the other trusts him. Because if his partner trusts him that equals love for him.

I think this movie is about (besides the "whodunit" story line) Alice trying to do more with her life - more then the usual. She is a girl with things that every girl should want and desire - a good job, friends, a nice apartment living with her nice boyfriend. And for Alice is it about doing something more - maybe something that was even buried in her. Maybe she was scared to uncover it. But then Adam comes into her life and uncovers it. But in the end I guess to me she was not ready to accept it and that is how it turns into that erotic thriller.

Alice says in the end that she is just a flatlander and could not reach those heights.

But she is more self-aware and knows what she wants now.

MORE SPOILERS - Spoiler for the ending ahead too.....

So the bad points....

I am not a big fan of Heather Graham and at times felt the movie was just made to see her nude one more time *rolls eyes*
The acting by Heather was a bit shallow. And so was the script.
You knew"whodunit" at the beginning of the movie.
They did not show enough character development and depth.
Not nearly enough rough sex lol :)
Plot was poor...but that is probably due to the script...the book is suppose to be much better.

Good things....
S&M/Rough Sex was considered consenting to by the Police
The people engaging in the S&M/kinky rough sex were not the killers.
Breath Play scene! :)
Some of the scenes of London and English country side were really beautiful.
Drool time over Adam's sister Deborah played by Natascha McElhone (probably best known for The Truman Show)
Just how they grab and touch each other - I liked....it was erotic for me. But it just could be because I am horny LOL

Scenes that are standing out to me right now me I liked...
She leaves her boyfriend and goes to find Adam. She waits in the outside his apartment for him and it starts snowing. The scene is very pretty actually the street with the snow coming down. But the reason I like the scene is she is so....needing him that she waits and will wait for him. I guess I know those feelings and even though they are almost desperate they are exciting and raw.

They get married and then go hiking. He makes her hike telling her he is going to make her stronger. (she does come across weak to me and that bothers me) But what I liked is that he is helping her become stronger. I also liked that she wanted to do it. She wanted to do it to make him proud.

Then of course the breath play scene oh yummy not even going to talk about it just going to sit here for a moment in bask in remembering it. Oh how I love breath play! mmmmmmmmm mmmmmmmmmmm good!

I like that she starts dressing different for him *shakes head* boy do I know that one! LOL

I like the scene with his friends...he kind of leaves her and she goes to the bathroom I think she starts to feel self conscious dressed a little more revealing then anyone else there...bright lipstick and such all for him.

I liked the movie most until it started to get into the trying to put suspicion onto him and then I was like uggh lets just go back to the relationship between them develop that power exchange more please! Because then it ends up being more of a tale obsessive love instead of a "healthy" power exchange.

Anyway that is Killing Me Softly....which of course caught my eye because I love that song. I still remember someone I know singing that in September and Master and I dancing to it. :) Nice memory!

Your Passion is Black!

Passionate? Sure. Twisted? Absolutely.

You're seriously into a rush of emotions...

But often times it's mixed with a rush of pain.

You're all about the dark side of love, life, and lust.



What Color Is Your Passion?

More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva

Music: Frida Soundtrack
Mood: can't sleep - 2:43am
Topic: Frida, insomnia, control

We watched Frida on Sunday evening....

mmmmm what a good movie.

I had seen her art work, but did not know much else about her.

I always felt her art was full of pain. Pain that people go through - but it was almost exaggerated on the canvas but yet real. Not sure that makes sense. It shows real pain that we go through but it shows it in surreal focused images that make sure you don't skip by the pain in them. But they are not surreal...because they are actual moments from her life...just shown in a surreal expressionistic way and I did not really understand fully that they were moments from her life until the movie.

Edward Norton did the rewrite on the screenplay and I would have liked to see what it was like before because how it came out was very good. So many good things...lets see the music is incredible. Master bought the soundtrack months and months ago at a friend's recommendation. The special effects in it are really good - blending the art into the film. The special effects for Diego and Frida's trip to NYC is very interesting. The relationship between Diego and Frida....compelling, passionate, open. The friends - a group coming together with passionate ideas and thoughts. Hearts wanting to have a better place in the world. Trotsky....wow she had an affair with him...interesting. The art of both Diego and Frida..the art and their relationship working side by side was a fascinating...connection.

Here is a website that I checked out tongiht....FridaKahlo.com
And one on Diego Rivera.

Oh interesting...thing also Edward Norton does not get acknowledgement in the credits for writing the screenplay. I am not quite sure why yet. But I have been looking into it while up at this hour.

I can't sleep tonight not anything new....for me not being able to sleep...

It gets very frustrating. It is almost 3am and tomorrow I will be a zombie most likely because I just am having one of those moments where it has been going on for so long that it is going to catch up to me.

I was thinking today about something I have written about...about coming full circle. I am doing much of what I did when I was married. I cook, clean, made sure my husband was happy BUT the difference now....is....control. Master is in control. Jim was in control also but it was not a conscious act - just like me giving Jim control was not a conscious act. With Master it is who He is and how He wants to live His life. He has chosen to seek out someone to control - and that lucky girl is me :) And I have happily given up control to Him.

mine for today...LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): Friends can come to your rescue now, whether it’s just a social escape or a more meaningful chance to share what’s on your mind. If you’ve nothing on your social calendar, it could be time for you to get on the phone and make something happen. This could be a big day for you, but you’ll need to be willing to co-create it.

I found it amusing as I tried to call Honey a little while ago and then wrote j to see when is a good time to call her. Both those done before I read the horoscope.

Stopped writing because Honey called me back. We both were blah and so felt it was not an exciting phone call but it was good to talk to her.

I really need to read Mindfulness in Plain English because many of the Buddhist Wisdoms I get in my email that really strike a cord with me come from it.

Don't cling to anything and don't reject anything. Let come what comes, and accomodate yourself to that, whatever it is. If good mental images arise, that is fine. If bad mental images arise, that is fine, too. Look on all of it as equal, and make yourself comfortable with whatever happens. Don't fight with what you experience, just observe it all mindfully. -Bhante Henepola Gunaratana, "Mindfulness in Plain English"

Happy Birthday j!

I love you very much and hope that your day is fantastic!

We are doing pretty good. I am starting to get depressed about my birthday tomorrow.

Master talked in His journal about how we were reminiscing. I do that every year this time....around my birthday. So I have recounted the last year...it was a year full of ups and downs. A year full of uncertainty. But it is also near the time Master contacted me...and I am very thankful for that.

I also have been recounting time with Master....we have been busy, but I love Master very much. I am very happy to be His slave and able to serve and please Him.

When I was first here there was more of the erotic/S&M slave elements involved in my daily life.....

I remember the days of getting wet cleaning the toilet and making His bed. I remember the days where service seemed easy and I felt like a slave. But then the daily grind sets in and this is my life. I am Master's slave but most of the time there is nothing erotic about it. There is nothing that makes me all gooey inside with erotic slave feelings....there is just serving. Day in and day out I serve Master. I make the bed, clean the toilet and do all the other things that Master wants and it service. This is my life as His slave.

There are journals out there that claim exciting S&M every moment.....first thing I usually think when I read those is that they are doing BDSM online and not real life....

Because yesterday my life consisted of helping Master get around after His surgery, cooking Master what He craved for dinner, cleaning Master's bathroom and doing other odd-n-ends housework.....

There was no erotic S&M elements in my day.....and the majority of my days are spent like this....

But it is okay....because I am serving Master to the best of my abilities. And that is what He wants. When I get the erotic/S&M elements...I am happy, but right now my life is just not about that....at all.

I do get sad about not having the erotic/S&M elements in my life, but I also know when Master feels it is time again for those things then we will have them.

Next subject...

I read a journal where the girl is having some problems with a poly situation and her post was full of anger and was written directed at the other girls (who read the journal). And while I read this I kept thinking why is she angry...I am not saying she does not have the right to her feelings, but I guess I feel she is misdirecting it. Something was not done right - and my thought was okay her Dominant is the one in control - she is not - so well it is not her problem it is his problem. So if she could see it is not her problem - maybe she could let go of the anger.

She can see it is not done right and redo it. Serving silently. She can know she did it right...without advertising it...knowing she served him in a way that is pleasing to him. Or another option is that she could go to the other girls and say, "Master really likes it when it is done this way." And showing the others how to do it. But blowing up in anger seems to be wasted to me. Either help the situation with just redoing it or helping the other person, but letting that anger well up, being hurtful and yelling does not seem a productive use of a slaves time.

I guess it comes down to the thought.....what would the Dominant want? I mean we all get frustrated. I get frustrated with the way Master does things at times, but that does make it okay for me to yell. We all need to vent at times, but there are still ways to vent that are a better reflection of the Dominant. And that are still being productive in getting feelings and issues out. I guess...what I am saying think before acting - think of what the Dominant would want and know that you are not in control and let it go.

Made me think of this Hindu Wisdom I got the other day.....Live in the world like a waterfowl. The water clings to the bird, but the bird shakes it off. Live in the world like a mudfish. The fish lives in the mud, but its skin is always bright and shiny. -Ramakrishna

It is hard to get to that point....to shake things off. I know I still struggle with it but it gets easier each time I do.

Here are a few links I wanted to share...

First I made some herb rolls that were really good not too long ago and here is the recipe. They are really yummy...I am going to make them a little bit bigger next time so we can make sandwiches with them. :)

And then this fantasy art site....has some really gorgeous pictures.

Music: Evanescence ~ Fallen (Master bought me an early Birthday present *smiles*)
Mood: Tired but okay
Topics: Master's surgery

Well it was a day....

Master and I headed to the clinic at 6:30am and by 11am we were walking into the pharmacy to get His pain medication. He did really well. He is doing really well. He is in pain, but He is able to move around much more then I thought He would be able too.

I am really glad we are home and I am able to take care of Him. I have been fussing over Him because I don't want Him to strain too much otherwise He will be in more pain tomorrow. I think that more pain will come later tonight or tomorrow after His body kind of winds down from the stress of being operated on and then all the muscles and such will really start to ache.

Paused for a moment because things got quiet in the living room and made me worry so I went to check on Master. His pain medication is kicking in and He was playing trivia on the satellite, but had fallen asleep during it. He woke when I came in though and we got Him situated on the couch instead of His chair so that He could sleep if He wanted too. I hope He gets some more sleep.

I had been holding in lots of stress and anxiety due to the surgery and so today we got home and of course my body had to react to that...and I got a headache. Just a tension one which I will take any day over a migraine.

So after I made Master some lunch and we watched a little TV - we both went to lay down and that helped my headache a lot.

Let's see I thought there was something else I wanted to write about, but of course it is not coming to me at this moment. So I guess I will end this for now.

For tomorrow:

His....SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22–Dec 21): Interactions with others can put you into a difficult situation, but it’s nothing that won’t be able to be overcome—as long as you are willing to communicate. Unfortunately, communication may still be a bit strained, but this isn’t reason enough to put off what needs to be said today.

mine...LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): You might be unable to fully relax today as your nervous system is a bit jumpier than usual. You are stretched tightly in your mind and it may be difficult to unwind. But this is not as bad as it sounds, for you can find the harmony within the movement of the day.

Just going to get to it....

Tomorrow Master goes in for surgery tomorrow morning...early. I am nervous about it, but know I probably should not be....as it is an easy surgery that last about 45 minutes. We should be home by noon....so that is good.

I will then be playing nurse...too bad I don't have a cute nurses outfit for Master...but I am sure I can come up with something to make His rest nice. :)

We have had a busy weekend getting things done that He will not be able to help me with after the surgery.

I just was reading an entry in Edgeliving again....and marsha talks about not feeling like a slave. I guess I don't always feel like a slave, but I know that I am Master's slave. I don't feel much like a slave right now either. I get thoughts I don't like. I have to sometimes work to do the things that please Master...such as dressing up. There are some days it is the last thing I want to do, but even on those days I dress up. I just don't feel like a slave....

But I am slave and each day I get up knowing I am....and I don't let those feelings blind me from what I seek overall...and that is to be Master's slave....everyday.

We also often add to our pain and suffering by being overly sensitive, over-reacting to minor things, and sometimes taking things too personally. -His Holiness the Dalai Lama

Meditation is like a single log of wood. Insight and investigation are one end of the log; calm and concentration are the other end. If you lift up the whole log, both sides come up at once. Which is concentration and which is insight? Just this mind. -Ajahn Chah, "Still Forest Pool"

Master's...SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22–Dec 21): You are still in the mode of taking care of business, doing your chores and checking the accomplished tasks off your list. But nothing is as simple as it should be. You may feel a bit annoyed at someone, even if there is nothing specifically you can do the change the situation.

mine...LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): The creative juice is still flowing, but it may be difficult to tap. It’s not that you don’t have good ideas. It’s more that you feel content and are not motivated now to bring your ideas to fruition. Additionally, there can be some confusion as to the best way for you to manifest your creativity.

Right now I am having a little down time online....surfing, catching up on some journals I read and just relaxing a little bit. Master is watching football of course because it is Sunday and the Bronco's are playing. :)

Today I has been pretty productive for me....Master and I started our day with taking me out driving. I have not really drove since being here. The only time I leave is with Master and He likes to be in control ya know lol so I don't drive. But with His surgery coming up I am going to need to get His prescriptions drive Him home from the clinic and then know how to get out and about to fetch anything He might need while He is recovering from His surgery. So I drove to a few places and then we came home where I made a big breakfast for Master. After that I cleaned up, did a few housecleaning things and then went out to sand bookshelves. I have a big shelving unit that we need to get set up but it needs to be repainted desperately so - I sanded 6 out of 9 shelves today, But then my asthma started acting up from the dust. I had one of those little masks on but it was still hard for me to breath in that....so I of course took it off and continued as long as I could.

So tomorrow, I will finish the last 3 and then paint them...so that Master and I can put them up as it is a 2 person job. I need to find the hardware for them before Tuesday lol I know where it is....it is a rainbow tin. Just not sure where that rainbow tin is at exactly....have a good idea but not exact. lol

Not sure what else to write about right now...I am feeling a little down and sad. And not really sure why. I guess I should start dinner soon....so I will post and go get to it.

Master and I have been having some serious talks about all sorts of things in our life. We have had some miscommunications and been working on getting those straightened out.

I have moments where I just feel I can't do anything right lately.

We keep talking though and that is good....to keep communicating. It is hard for me at times to talk because I have problems getting the thoughts out. I guess you would think it would be easy...I am thinking a thought so why can't I just say it but it never quite that easy...it is not in my brain always in forms of sentences and "diplomatic" thoughts. So I can't get it out. Or even more so it is feelings that I can't form into sentences. Anyway...I have problems communicating verbally.

Next subject...Daddy/little girl

Shortly before we left for Ohio, I started having some Daddy/little girl issues coming up, but I did not have time to deal with them. And now that we are back home they have been coming up more and more. Plus now...a couple weeks ago I had someone contact me - who I had a Daddy/little girl relationship with - so now those issues are even closer to the surface.

When I came to visit Master back in Feb., before moving here, Master came home with a coloring book and crayons. I was touched, but I also felt this place in side ache with pain. Because I was hurt before - so I have closed that part of myself off even though I want to be little girl. I want to let that part of me out and play...but I am so scared of getting hurt. I do let her out in just little brief moments...where Master says something and it just happens....she comes out. Master said He saw a wall back in Feb and knew it was something that would take a long time. He said He saw the wall. :(

Lately I have been wanting to let that part out more....especially the princess part....

The princess I think comes out more around my birthday. I believe that is because as a child we (my sisters and I) were made to feel totally special on our birthday. I was the princess on my birthday...and so I think because it was such a big deal in my family I feel comfortable being princess around my birthday.

I attended a chat online one night about Daddy/little girl relationships. I kept getting booted out so I did not get to participate but the things I did see I thought were interesting. The man leading the discussion was asked why he thought people pick the ages they do....and he felt it was when they lost their innocence...that is the age they go back to when they were innocent. It made sense for myself....as the age I am the most often is 4. And then also I am a teenage and those would be both times I lost innocence.

I am not sure how to go about healing the little girl in me, so that I can let that part out more with Master. He takes good care of me and I know He would be a good Daddy. So it has nothing to really do with "distrust" in Him. It is more of my feelings of being scared. Scared of lots of different things...probably Daddy leaving though is the biggest fear.

Anyway...I want to try to heal just not sure how to go about it.

My Mom & Birthdays....

Tonight I was thinking of childhood birthdays and made me think that I think this year for my birthday I am going to write a thank you to my Mom because it is her that made birthdays such a big deal in our house. She always made them very special and I appreciate that more as I get older.

Magic Circle...

Today I was reading an entry from Edgeliving....slave marsha talks about the magic circle and I could relate to it. She talks about that she wants to be in the magic circle. The magic circle is what I consider S&M, Sex and Service S&M. My definition of S&M Service is serving in ways that touch those masochist buttons such as being an object for your Dominants enjoyment - such as being a footstool, doing things such as pissing on oneself and being humiliated for your Dominants enjoyment. But what seems to happen is that we don't get to do those magic circle things very often.

We serve in more mundane ways. And that is why I feel my life as come full circle. I mentioned a while back that it almost seems like I have come full circle. I left my ex-husband over 5 years ago. I was a housewife but I was very submissive in our relationship. Today I make Master's life easier by being His domestic slave, I make phones calls for repair people, I make lists and work on them to help make His life easier. Those are all things I did basically as a housewife....but mindset is different. I know if I don't do my duties there are ramifications. I know I am property that Master can do what He wishes with...with my ex-husband of course at anytime I could have said NO...not that I did but I could have lol

What I wondered after reading her entry is do we do the mundane in hopes to be in the magic circle? I know I hope and dream of it and some days I wish I had more of the magic circle but could not be who I am without the mundane. I am not sure that makes sense. I guess what I am saying is I want the mundane too. I want to make Master's life easier - I want to cook His meals, make His bed, clean His toilet, and do all the other odd-n-ends I do for Him. But I also want the magic circle and as slave marsha I believe in magic :)

Horoscopes...

Today's....

Master's.... SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22–Dec 21): Your fiery intentions are magnified by this Aries Full Moon. You feel feisty, alive and in the moment. You might be feeling more emotional than usual and could want to address these feelings with romantic engagements. Charm is on your side. Use it wisely.

mine...LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): It may feel as if you’ve been too nice and now it’s time to let your partner know what you really have been feeling. No need to go overboard on this one, but don’t be afraid of expressing your needs. If you don’t let others know what you want, they’ll never know what to give you.

Tomorrow's....

Master's....(wow this sounds accurate for our plans tomorrow)...SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22–Dec 21): You’ve got your work hat on this weekend as you attend to the details of your life. You are ready to tackle a serious project now or can be willing to help someone else on theirs. Either way, don’t bite off more than you can chew.

mine...LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): You might be drawn now toward creative projects, but they’ll need to be more useful than what you sometimes create. You know what you’d like to be making, but instead you channel your creative energy into something that has real value. Keep it real.

Home again...

We were gone this weekend - visiting Master's family. It was His father's birthday.

I met all of Master's family...they are very nice. They are a very close family. I had a nice time. It was nice to be with Master celebrating with His family.

This week will probably be very busy for us. We have lots to get done before Master heads into surgery. Of course I am worrying about that lots but will do everything I need to help Master heal.

Something kind of odd to me that is happening - that seems to be happening really fast is Master and I thinking the same things. It has happened a lot recently and this weekend it seemed to happen even more. I like it but it is kind of scary too.

We were on the road yesterday morning....music playing just taking in the scenery and I start to think of giving Master a blow job. I am thinking of it in glorious detail and how it would feel and so on and Master say to me I wish you were giving me a blow job right now. I turned to Him blushing and looking at Him trying to figure out how He had been reading my mind LOL We did that several times this weekend thinking about this and that at the same time. It is like one is thinking about it and it bleeds to the other and so they start thinking about it also. I really do think that is how it happens with us.

It also is kind of scary that Master's family who has known Him all His life can't read Him like I can...we are in these family functions and I look I can see what He is thinking and no one around knows that but me. I really like that I know Him so well to know what He is thinking...see things no one else sees.

My horoscope for today...LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): You’ve may be in a difficult situation, but this isn’t just about today. This has been unfolding now for a while. Now, however, things can come to head as you realize there isn’t an easy way out. But the solution isn’t about finding a way out. It’s about moving in, toward your own vulnerability. You’ll come out the other side feeling stronger for what you’ve experienced and what you’ve learned.

I have been dealing with some issues that I did not feel comfortable writing about yet. But I have felt that I am getting closer to writing about them and letting them out. I know there is no solution but there is ways to heal and protect myself from the issues that are coming to a head.

Going to end this so Master and I can get to bed after being on the road again.....so glad to be home with Master.

Surrender

I was reading a message board and there was a post where someone said that surrender is submission perfect and so that surrender can never be achieved because no one can be perfect.

I disagree...

Here is something I had written for another list when we were discussing submission and surrender....

I find that submission and surrender are very closely related in definition in vanilla terms -- refer to dictionary.com for the full-blown similarities. In the lifestyle, I have found that we tend to separate out the differences: surrender implies something deeper than submission. I believe there is the general perception that surrender suggests a total - complete giving up of control.

I believe that again everyone has different definitions of submissive and slave. I think I was a slave before I started surrendering. But I should ask Master His view on that. As with everything in this lifestyle - to define the words of lifestyle seem to come down to a personalized view of thoughts and feeling put to words.

Surrender to me means: It is a level of acceptance and letting go of power and control. It is becoming empty to have more to give my Master. By emptying out the clutter filled in the top of my head, I am letting go. The awareness that the need for surrender is more deeply rooted in my core than the concept of individuality and identity. But surrender is not losing anything - with surrender I am gaining. I feel how much more happy and at peace. I used to think it was accepting - that when a person came to acceptance that then they surrendered. But it is really not about acceptance of what is happening. It is more a mental state of letting go of all the clutter and being aware of self - so that I can give freely without constraints. There is an awareness that comes in the calm - which basically says this is your home - this is your natural self. And a knowing everything is right now. I just give without even thinking. The muscles almost react before any negative thoughts could come in. Each day I feel my surrender to my Master grow. He probably could have "taken" many things from the start, but He preferred I give Him that control first. He wants me to be very mindful of what I am doing.

The transition is something that I believe "just happens." For some, the transition is very difficult and for others, the transition is seamless and pretty easy. For me it has happened easier then I thought it would happen. I am sure that the transition is different from one person to the next - just as we have so many levels and definitions which define who we are, I am sure where we reside in the broad spectrum of the lifestyle also is very different for each person.

Therefore "knowing" when the transition has happened I think is going to be really difficult to describe and develop a consensus or acceptable poll result.

I know that one of the key elements involved in my growth towards surrender was trust. I first trusted my instincts and next I had to trust Him. I had to also trust He would not do the same as the people in my past. That meant trusting He knew what He was doing and would not hurt me.

Another element is being open. Communicate - past, insecurities, strengths, thoughts and feelings. To me surrender is not possible unless everything is out on the table. To trust us in the now and what would come in the future.

The bottom line is that each person's journey has to be their own and if they are destined to surrender, then they will. I don't think it can be done without guidance, a building of a foundation of trust, honesty and mutual respect. Then something will happen, someday that brings them to that point - if at all. This is all based on the assumption that every submissive has the desire to surrender someday. One shouldn't surrender if they are kicking and screaming. Nor should one surrender if they really don't want to.

As Master says it is a Journey…we all get there differently.

Our horoscopes...

His...SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22–Dec 21): It’s time to take your ideas, pull back on the reins of expansion and use your energy to make something real happen. This isn’t about planning for the future; it’s about plowing the field that you are walking upon now. It’s about taking care of business that is on your desk—not the business plans you have for next year’s growth. This is about being present in your current situation, whether it’s about home and family issues or your business.

mine...LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): You want to be nice to those you care about, but sometimes tough love is the best thing you can offer. If there’s something you’ve been waiting to say to someone close to you, this would be a good time to tackle the difficult subject. Just remember that you can be kind and loving while you are being stern. Don’t second guess your inner voice. Act out of love.

Yesterday I was in black satin panties and nothing else all day and today I am bundled up in lounge pants that Master bought me and a t-shirt and cardigan and sweater socks. Yesterday I was hot and today I am cold.

I have a few things I want to write about but not totally formulated on the topics yet.

Tonight Master showed me something from the work He does. The things He can find out about people...the information about them is AMAZING. I was truly surprised and shocked about at the info - not only on their present but their past. It is kind of scary but also interesting.

I have my period so I am feeling kind of blah. But this months PMS was great as it was almost nonexistent. Not sure what is up with that...but even Master's made the comment that He did not think I had PMS this month. So that is good. I did not even get a chocolate craving or anything.

Last night Master and I had a nice dinner - He loved everything especially the rolls. I am going to post the recipe but not tonight. I got a dozen roses and a really nice card. :) The roses are a really beautiful coral color. We watched Chicago. Master had never seen it. We both enjoyed it. The icky thing of the night was that I had a migraine.

I have had a few things going on that I am not ready to talk about and just not sleeping well because of them so I think the migraine was just because things were catching up to me.

Tomorrow I will be busy getting us ready to go to His parents for the weekend. I am still nervous about it all.

I need to Thank Moni for calling me this week...I really needed some that chat! Thank you!

I am getting ready to change my who's who page. I have written a few people because I want to change things about their descriptions and wanted their permission - but I have only heard back from one. So guess I need to send out another note to the other few that I want to change.

Tonight Master and I watched About Last Night. Master had never seen it. I am not sure why I like that movie so much but I do. It was so odd to be watching it and seeing that "look" of the 80's. There is even a few outfits in the movie that I actually owned also! Master and I got a chuckle out of the moving in scenes as we could relate. Him making room for my things and me moving Master's things around (with His permission of course). Anyway it was interesting watching it again. :)