Blah....

* So I have been hiding out. I am going through quite a bit of depression. This always happens when I am having lots of health problems. I had that cold for 6 weeks with a still occasional cough. I have had migraines quite a bit and some that are so bad that I can't remember things because all I know is the pain. And nothing seems to help it. I went to my doctor to talk about the migraines and it is the first time I didn't feel like she listened to me at all. I also had a dentist appointment this week that didn't go well. And I am getting down about it. And it is really stupid but I am feel really upset about it even though I know there is no other options.

* Feeling very nostalgic tonight as I went through old posts to tag them.

* Moni called me this evening! It was so GREAT to talk to her and have some girl talk. I miss her so much! It is so odd that I have been thinking about her lots lately and was going to ask Master if I could call her sometime soon.

* I made Pasta e Fagioli and Zebra Brownies on Monday - Master never had either and loved both of them. I do have to say the soup turned out great. The flavor was amazing.

* We leave to go out of town for the weekend on Friday morning....so probably won't be updating again until we get back unless I can finish a couple pieces I have been working on and get one of them posted tomorrow.

Blogsphere....

Once Bitten disappeared...and replaced with spam. :( I will miss them.

Tags

I have been working on my tagging blog entries today. You will see on the side menu - Tags. If you click on one of the tags it will bring you to a website that lists links that match that tag. Now some of the entries will have more then one tag. So if you click on link under the tag cooking for example - the reference to cooking might be in the middle of a post about other things also. Also of course they are not nearly done. It will be 6 years of blogging in October -- so that is quite a few entries to go through and tag. I do hope to eventually have them all added though. I will work on it sporadically.

Linkage

Found via a livejournal friend....

Bi, Bi Baby

Overnight Creme Brulee French Toast

I made this a few weekends ago and oh my it was so yummy!

Ingredients:
* 3 tablespoons low- or no-trans fat margarine or butter
* 5 tablespoons reduced-calorie or no-sugar added pancake syrup
* 1/3 cup packed brown sugar
* 2 tablespoons plus 2 teaspoons Grand Marnier (or other orange liqueur), divided (or any other liquor that you would like the flavor of)
* At least 8 (1 inch thick) slices of French or sourdough bread (you might need more to cover the bottom of the pan depending on the size of your bread)
* 3 large eggs
* 1/2 cup egg substitute
* 1 1/2 cups fat-free half-and-half
* 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
* 1/4 teaspoon salt
* Garnish:
fresh strawberries or other berries and a dollop of light whipped cream or Light Cool Whip or maple syrup.

Preparation:
1. Coat a 9x13-inch baking dish with canola cooking spray. Melt margarine or butter in a small nonstick saucepan over medium heat. Mix in reduced-calorie pancake syrup, brown sugar, and 2 tablespoons Grand Marnier, stirring until sugar is dissolved. Pour the mixture into the prepared baking dish.
2. Remove crusts from bread and arrange slices in the baking dish in a single layer on top of the brown sugar mixture (enough slices to cover the bottom of the pan...I cut the pieces to make it fit all through the pan).
3. In small bowl, whisk together eggs, egg substitute, fat-free half-and-half, vanilla extract, 2 teaspoons Grand Marnier, and salt. Pour mixture evenly over the bread. Cover well and chill at least 8 hours or overnight.
4. Preheat oven to 350°F. Remove the dish from the refrigerator and bring to room temperature.
5. Bake uncovered 35 to 40 minutes until puffed and lightly browned. Serve with fresh fruit and a dollop of light whipped cream if desired.

Please Read this Link

I am sure most of you have heard that South Dakota banned abortion except to save the life of the mother. It banned it even for those who have a pregnancy due to incest or rape.

Here is a way to help and do something about it:
http://kathrynt.livejournal.com/366823.html

Big Love Talk....

This contains spoilers of the first episode so if you haven't seen it and don't want it to be spoiled skip this post

Big Love is a new series on HBO about polygamy.

This is talk about the first episode....more will come on the second episode soon.

What really has appealed to me is the interactions between the wives and then the wives with the husband. Because those moments remind me of my experiences with poly quite a bit. The religious/mormon things just are drama for me. Such as the young girl wanting to be with the old man creeps me out but it is just part of the drama. Again really it is the interactions between the husband and wives are actually very real to me.

Like where Barb (Jeanne Tripplehorn) notices her husband Bill out by the pool but that night is Margene's (Ginnfer Goodwin) night. So she doesn't go to him because she sees Margene looking. To me what I have seen so far is that Barb is very thoughtful of the unit as a family and the other wives time. I remember doing the same thing when part of the D/s poly family. Such as seeing him by the pool -- it would have been easy for her to go talk to him, discuss his problem, and reassure him. But it was his night with Margene and really from her point of view it could have been a problem between him and Margene and so they should have discussed it because it is Margene's and Bill's relationship. And although poly those things can get very sticky. It used to bother me so much when the dominant I was involved with would talk about his and my problems with another of the girls but not me.

Nicki annoys me with her money spending. And at the same time I don't think she likes doing it. It to me is feeding something that is empty in her. I know that feeling. She do though reminds me of one of my fellow "sister" slave (don't like the word sister but not sure what else to call it at the moment). Nicki taking the night for Wayne's birthday after Barb just said trading nights was confusing was manipulative. One way for her to say hey just because I am second I can still have power and do what I want. And although they are not submissive or slaves -- it is obvious they follow a structure where Barb kind of has some type of authority/power over the others. Although I don't think she exercises it really...and that reminds me of when I was kind of in that position. I tried to make everything smooth...everyone happy....everything run smooth.

The only time Barb didn't think of the others feelings really was when she gets in the car by stepping in front of Nicki when Nicki opens the door. But it still made me feel good and smile because Nicki is so manipulative and bitchy!

I do look forward to seeing the development of the kids...their thoughts on the polygamy. Such as seeing Sarah and the interaction with her co-worker kind of teasing her about her 3 Mommies.

The second episode had more moments that I liked seeing....and related to also. More on that later.

Domestic....Plus a Life Update

Baking makes me happy. Cooking mostly in general makes me happy. There are times cooking doesn't make me happy though. But baking almost always makes me happy. I just got done baking some cookies for some friends. They will be mailed off tomorrow for them.

I was just thinking last night I should bake something for Master and his co-workers...they are really feeling burnt out lately and so I want to do something nice for them. I am going to either make 3 type of muffins (raspberry cream cheese, apple/oatmeal, and blueberry) or cinnamon brownies...whatever Master would prefer of course.

This weekend was pretty laid back for the most part. I did have a little melt down on Saturday as I just haven't been sleeping lately and so Saturday that caught up to me and I just was so tired that nothing made sense. So Master tucked me into bed and I got some much needed sleep. Sunday we were up really early to do grocery shopping - hit the stores before the crowds after church. After we came home, we made breakfast together and had mimosas with it. Yummy! Later in the Master was going to lay down for a nap so I said I would join him and he tried a new hood on he bought for me and unfortunately the cough still lingers and this hood is really tight around the neck so I started coughing.

Last night I woke up feeling like I was having a heart attack (it was a panic attack). It hurt my heart, ribs and everything to just take a breath. I was shaking and mind was racing. I had woke up from a nightmare. It took me so long to calm down though that my body being that tensed up last night....has left it aching today. I have only had it that bad once before.

When we were out shopping this weekend, I picked up some hairdye. It is red which is pretty much one of the standard colors I use. But Master and I have discussing black. I am not sure how I would look with black hair. So he said something about maybe you should do that and he picked up one and I said "that is a permanent dye." We talked about trying a temp one first. And he said, "yeah." I said, "what if it turns my hair weird colors." He just smiled and said, "no problem I have a solution for that too." It took me several moments to get what he meant! He is an evil man!(yeah...i know i like that he is this way.) His solution....shave my head. He knows what just mentioning it does to me...there in the middle of Wal-mart and melting into a puddle of goo. But after discussing it we realized now isn't the time as we are visiting his parents in 2 weeks and me and black hair (or *cough* a shaved head) is probably not something they can handle. When it has been odd colors they always just say "you dyed your hair again." When it is a normal color they say "oh we like you hair." My parents do the same thing.

Not much else to report.

Uggghhh!

I said the f-word very loud after I read this over at annissa's journal...

"Barbara Nitke's case is turned down by the Supreme Court"

Read details: http://alanesq.livejournal.com/209560.html

Domestic Frustrations

I hate the egg eggstractor! It never works for me -- unless I practically throw myself on top of it. But then I have a hard boiled egg flying across the kitchen with the bits of shell still left on scattering all over my clean kitchen floor!

Thank you for reading this quality danae broadcasting moment! Now that I vented going back to finish making potato salad.

To Clarify....

Disclaimer: Just to let everyone know I wasn't offended, upset or anything about the comments. I just realized after the comments and emails that I didn't make myself clear enough.

So just going to clarify my post on losing my identity.....

I have been doing wiitwd (what it is that we do) for quite a long time and as I said in the post you would think I would learn some lessons quicker but at times it just doesn't seem to happen that way. I have actually realized that I was becoming more shy, that I didn't want to go anywhere without Master and a few others things about myself that had changed for quite a long while and never worried about it - it just felt like part of the process of our relationship - it wasn't until about a month or so ago I woke up one morning and went "Oh wow...whatif." It hadn't come onto my radar screen to worry about it until a couple things triggered it. But again although those things worried me....I do see it as just changing and evolving in the relationship....the lesson I should have gotten right away before worrying about it. But of course that didn't happen. I fretted and struggled and did all the things that I should have just been able to let go of and say "okay this is me....I get it." Master and I discussed the losing my identity issue quite a bit. And although it unnerved me that I might be -- it doesn't take away the fact that I do like that I am this way too. I wouldn't change it.

Life Update

Still coughing! Being sick gets me really down. And so I have been kind of down lately. Add to it I had my period so that just added more to my mood.

I had a meltdown 2 weekends ago where I thought maybe I wasn't a slave because I don't feel, think, react the way other slaves/submissives seem too. I read other things people go through and feel and think I don't go through that. I thought I was just nothing...and everyone else is in the lifestyle and well I am just here doing "whatever the hell it is that I do." So I had a pity party over the doubts. In the end it was really silly as I don't want to be like anyone but me.

Then this last weekend I had a 2 day migraine from hell again where the pain was so bad that I am kind of fuzzy about details of Saturday. So, I didn't accomplish much this weekend. Master had to run errands without me and take care of things he normally doesn't...so of course I was having guilt over that too.

Sunday evening we enjoyed dinner and then watched Big Love on HBO. I liked it. It was entertaining. Although I have to say I was analyzing it from the wives perspective a lot as some of the reactions and characteristics of the wives reminded me of my poly experiences. I think there is a lot of potential with the character development and I look forward to watching it again.

Here are some links for news articles regarding Big Love....
Village Voice - All in the Family
HBO gives us 'Big Love,' a polygamy drama
'Big Love' New HBO series feature 1 husband 3 wives
Will the polygamy debate ever be the same?
Big Love, from the Set
Utahns react to HBO's 'Big Love'

Losing My Identity....?

So I have been Master's for over 3 years. And I have been doing this....this thing we do for even longer so you would think I would get some things BY NOW! But of course not....

Lately I have been plagued by the thoughts of losing my identity. Now I hate it when people come to me that don't understand the lifestyle and tell me if a person becomes a slave they lose their identity and that it is just about the dominant breaking the submissive down to be a mindless robot. Or those that are wanting to be in the lifestyle and think being a mindless nothing is all hearts and flowers SM. Neither really work for me in reality!

But that does not change the fact that I feel like I am losing parts of myself...

I believe we develop and progress in relationships and that in those changes I am becoming more me - shedding the layers to get - me. I think back on past relationships and this one is much different and that is not a bad thing, instead it is a very good thing. But I do at times wonder although I am gaining much from the relationship I do feel at times I am losing parts of myself.

I am so much more shy then I was before. I don't like going places without Master. I don't seek outside friendships and I used to be a social butterfly with many friends.

I have been doing the whatif...whatif Master releases me...whatif something happens to him and I am now too shy or can't go someplace without him and so on and so forth. I would have to but could I...and that is what has been going through my brain. Could I start over. I remember the days of having to not be shy because of my job but it just all seems so different now...after being his.


And so that has been bouncing around in my brain for weeks...I have been worried that I was losing my identity. But really I am just changing and evolving and identity and labels are not that important. Although that is a hard fact so swallow at times - it is true. Only thing that matters in my world is that I am serving and obeying Master. And I am.

I am not losing my identity. I am changing. And I am sure I will again.

Daily OM Horoscope...

They are much more like....life lessons instead of horoscopes to me....

Reprinting whole thing...

The Love You Deserve
Libra Daily Horoscope

Self-directed criticism may cloud your opinion about your contributions today. You may feel anxious and insecure about your abilities, worth, or performance. Rather than goading yourself into working harder, try to accept that you are doing the best you can. Remind yourself that all you do has merit and is appreciated by others. If you finish a project, make a loved one happy, or learn something new, take pride in your accomplishments. Celebrate your small victories and remember that simply making the effort to achieve your goals, whatever the outcome, is worthy of a pat on the back. If you choose not to downplay your successes and acknowledge that you are a capable individual today, you’ll likely begin to see how much value you add to the world.

Accepting yourself can help you to recognize that doing your best is a reason to feel proud. Assessing your life in terms of your successes, rather than your mistakes, can remind you of how much you have accomplished. Accentuating your positive attributes and loving yourself for the person you are—while simultaneously accepting your imperfections—can open a world of possibilities that were previously closed to you because you now realize that you are worthy of what you want in life. You are no longer spending time berating yourself, so you have more time to pursue your dreams. When you accept yourself and find joy in your achievements today, you’ll regain your sense of self assurance and open yourself up to receive more good things.

Tagged

1. Write down 7 things that piss you off (in no certain order).
2. Now 7 things that make you happy.
3. 7 fun things that you wish you could get paid to do for a living.
4. Tag 7 people.

********

Seven things that piss you off
***
1. President Bush
2. Freedoms we have seem to be shrinking in the US
3. That everyone is not treated equally
4. Lack of health care for those that can't afford it
5. That people I love and care about can't get married if they want
6. When the trash bag rips and the garbage spills all over the floor
7. Migraines

Seven things that make me happy
***
1. Seeing Master realize his dreams
2. Being Master's slave
3. creating art
4. Seeing Master happy
5. Cooking and having people enjoy the food
6. Snuggling into Master's arms
7. Having good friends and wonderful family

Seven fun things I wish I could be paid to do
***
1. Art (consistently paid that is. I have been paid at times in the past.)
2. Being a BDSM friendly, nice Martha Stewart
3. Being a Joss Whedon groupie
4. Godiva Chocolate tester
5. Reading Livejournal and blogs
6. web design (again more consistently)
7. hanging out with girlfriends- chatting and giggling

7 people I'?m tagging
***
not tagging so play along if you wish!

Project Runway....Last post of the season...

Last episode of Project Runway kind of shocked me....

Choloe - I can't believe Chloe won. I liked Chloe's designs during the season but I have to say I was disappointed in her runway show. I am not big on puffy sleeves...she had one outfit that had puffy sleeves that I liked and that was it. Here on this link the very last 3 images on the first page are the 3 designs that I liked of her runway collection the best. I thought Grace's dress was the best. I loved the back and I loved the way it looked on Grace with her red hair and that blue was just beautiful. But over all I didn't like the collections puffy sleeves, I am not a fan of all the gold she used, and although I like pink I disliked her pink pieces the most. I don't think she had a clear vision - she admits that she just does it "organically" - and although she told them last night that she wanted just all evening looks because she doesn't get to do that very often - it still to me didn't pull it together. She would have been better off saying all the puffy sleeves pull it together because that is what I thought made her collection fit together as whole even though I didn't like them. I do think she has a business understanding of the industry and I actually think that is what it came down to when they decided. Because I think it was hard choice for them between Chloe and Daniel but I think they thought she has the know how in the industry and Daniel is too young to understand it all yet.

Daniel - Again I was surprised with Tim not saying much about his collection. And still thought maybe they are doing that because he would be the winner. I am surprised he didn't win but I have to say I was not thrilled about his collection either. The outfits looked old. The 13th piece they were all raving about and I thought looked like she was wearing a potato sack. Yes the detail at the neck is good but he had it on how many other pieces. There was not other design detail so it made it look like he put a nice collar on a potato sack. I liked the dress on Rebecca but I was with Kors and Heidi I didn't like the dang-ly patch thing on the front. I loved the color, the fabric, the shape, the cutouts...all were great but that patch thing was irritating. I got the Japanese and military influences in them. They were subtle touches that made them that way and obviously the judges felt that should be stronger to be the influence. I liked that it was subtle though. I didn't like that Rebecca tripped in the dress on the runway.....I thought for sure Kors would say something about that because last season he made a big deal on one of the challenges when someone had that happen. Kors offering him a job at the end I thought fit because I felt Daniel's style and Kors are similar. I also thought it was kind of funny that the winner Chloe gets a mentorship with Banana Republic but Kors - higher on the fashion food chain offers Daniel the second place person a job.

Santino - I didn't like Santino during the show. I hated his mouth. He acted like it was the Santino Show instead of Project Runway. He was way to cocky for what he was designing...because he added so much crap to his designs you never knew what they were really suppose to be a piece of art or a dress (sometimes a bad piece of art on top of that). And although I can understand that as a person who loves fashion and an artist - but if he wants to design clothes I feel he should be more female body conscious.

So after seeing him on the 2nd to last episode and him telling his "story" -- he did win me over some. Then after viewing his line online I thought okay they are going to make him the winner because he grew the most on the show. He finally listened to them. So, I was totally shocked when they said he was playing it safe! Oh my! I thought his collection was stunning. The way that last dress - the one for his PR model - moved was incredible. All of the collection to me was like that...they flowed with the body so well. I agree with them that many of dresses didn't fit well in the chest area but what did they really expect when they gave them the 13th item to make, finish up touch ups, and fit to the models that didn't seem like they were showing up very timely. To get it to fit perfect he would have needed a lot more time. So...I was stunned when they thought Santino was playing it safe. I thought his collection was stunning and I also thought he learned something finally - I thought he should have won. I know I can't believe I am saying it but that is what I thought after seeing the collections.


2 Video Clips First video Tim Gunn on the Oscar fashions and then keep watching because the second video they do an interview with Chloe from this morning.

Tim Gunn on Andrae and Kara
Blogging Project Runway
Daniel Vosovic

Final Collection Pictures:
Chloe
Santino
Daniel
And Kara's because to throw journalists off with who the final 3 are...they always ask the final 4 to Fashion week. I actually wished Kara would have shown these things while on the show and then she probably would have been in the final 3. Her collection was great!

Daily OM

I am posting the whole Daily OM as it seemed to come at a good time for me since this past weekend I seemed to get annoyed very easily.

The Upside Of Irritation
Things That Annoy Us

There are many stories of spiritual masters embracing the presence of an annoying student in their community. There is even one story that documents a teacher paying an irritating person to live among his students. From an everyday perspective, this is difficult to comprehend. We generally work hard to avoid people and things that we find annoying so they don't bother us.

From a deeper spiritual perspective, however, irritation can be an important teacher and indicator that we are making progress on our path. Being able to remain centered and awake even when we feel uncomfortable is much more impressive than doing so in an environment where everything is to our liking. No matter how good we are at controlling our circumstances, there will always be factors and people that we cannot control. How we respond to these experiences to a great degree determines the quality of our lives. The goal of spiritual development is not to learn to control our environment-which is more of an ego-driven desire. And while having some measure of control over our external reality is important, it is when we are confronted with a person or situation that irritates us and we can choose not to react that we know have made progress spiritually. It is when we have mastered our internal reality that we will have become the masters of our lives.

The more we try to eliminate annoyances, instead of learning to handle them gracefully, the further we get from developing the qualities that come with spiritual growth, such as patience, tolerance, and acceptance. It is often in the presence of people and experiences we find annoying that we have an opportunity to develop these qualities. Fortunately for most of us, our lives offer an abundance of opportunities to practice and cultivate these traits.

Uggggh!!!

I can't believe I am even seeing this...a Democratic candidate who thinks homosexuality should be punished by death.....why would some one think that....it is beyond my comprehension.

UGGGHHH!

http://www.wtol.com/Global/story.asp?S=4590031

Talkin' TV

Project Runway was kind of frustrating last week. It was the 2nd to last episode and it just seemed to really switch some gears on things. I also want to write about something that might replace my Project Runway obsession since it starts the same week as Project Runway ends...and that is Big Love on HBO.

Project Runway will show the last episode of the season this week. So thoughts on the 2nd to last episode....

A friend said she felt it is gearing up to Santino to win...and I feel yes and no on that. I think Santion's collection is great - yes I went and looked at the pictures they have on the web of the collection. (posting links at the end of the entry for them if anyone wants to see the spoilers.) But damn he never listened to them all the way through so why should get get to win...now just because he gave us his story of hardship (which yes did really tug at my heart strings and make me like him a little) he should win? Now that he finally does the good pieces after fighting with Heidi, Michael, Nina and Tim all season he should win? I am not sure they would do that...will they? I guess I will find out.

It seems really odd to me that Tim seemed to like Daniel's collection when he went to his apartment but now that it is there in the final week he doesn't seem to like it. I thought -- well maybe the editors of it are making it seem that way because it does seem like the majority of the people out there want Daniel to win so they are "creating drama" by making it seem like the golden boy who won the most challenges might not win. But then with Daniel's video clips of being really offended and unnerved by Tim not responding well -- that kind threw that theory off.

I have to say out of all we saw of the collections on this 2nd to last episode -- I didn't like Chloe's. I loved the dress she put Grace in with the cut out back. But that pink thing with the puffy sleeves...yucky!

Okay on to the most horrible part of the episode....I can't BELIEVE they did that to them....throwing that final challenge at them....like getting ready for Fashion week isn't enough! OMG! I felt so sorry for them all...especially Chloe who was so visibly upset. And I kind of agreed with Santino - "Even if you stick pasties and a maxi pad on the 13th model, it's like, who gives a shit at this point?" That is how they have to feel. I mean why make them design something of lessor quality because they are so busy and wiped out from making the collection. It seems really unfair and stupid.

Here are some links
Final Collection Pictures:
Chloe
Santino
Daniel
And Kara's because to throw journalists off with who the final 3 are...they always ask the final 4 to Fashion week.

You can see some more pictures of their collection here although you need to do a search for each person.

Tim Gunn's interview with OUT magazine

Andy's Blog - he is a producer of Project Runway
10 Questions for Heidi
Tim Gunn in the House
Santino faces his Critics
Calm Chloe
Questions for Andrae
10 Questions for Jay

Blog Link about Andrae and then another on Tim

Okay on to Big Love

If you have not heard about it...it is going to be on HBO about a polygamist's marriage 1 man, 3 wives and 7 children. First of all I really like the actress that will be on this show...Jeanne Tripplehorn, Chloe Sevigny and Ginnifer Goodwin. I have been reading quite a few articles online about it....and most people are just talking about the controversy of polygamy and how Mormons are portrayed and that they are not liking that. But reading their character profiles and watching the "Making of Big Love" -- I really can't wait to watch it. Some things reminded me of a few moments from when I was part of a (D/s) poly family.

Links:
HBO Big Love
The Spouse's of Big Love
The Village Voice on Big Love

Quiz

The Five Love Languages

My primary love language is probably
Words of Affirmation
with a secondary love language being
Physical Touch.

Complete set of results

Words of Affirmation:		10
Physical Touch:		9
Quality Time:		7
Acts of Service:		3
Receiving Gifts:		1

Information

Unhappiness in relationships, according to Dr. Gary Chapman, is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. Sometimes we don't understand our partner's requirements, or even our own. We all have a "love tank" that needs to be filled in order for us to express love to others, but there are different means by which our tank can be filled, and there are different ways that we can express love to others.

Take the quiz