Of two minds...

There are some things that I feel like I'm sometimes contradicting myself, but in my mind it is lined up normally and make sense. But I often think/feel two opposite different things on an issue/subject.

Such as....

I posted this quote several weeks ago: "A dominant basically has one single responsibility toward his slave: to provide her with the wherewithal to serve and obey to the best of her ability. Any other responsibilities that exist within such a relationship are invariably hers." - J. Mikael Togneri

I pretty much agree with it, but I also think that the responsibility is shared for those people that are involved together. It is not more on one person then it is on the other. And I do feel that is what that quote says/implies.

Another example...

The emotional masochist side of me can get off on being called a whore and slut but I can get off on even more offensive degrading comments and names. I have had orgasms while being kicked and called a cow. I have been set up to fail and been told I am worthless. And it was hard to go through at times during it but after all is said and done I get wet thinking about it. Now...I can say that I would like to go through that again but I can also say I can't handle going through that again (at least now). Both are true. (sidenote: those things were not done by Master - he and I haven't engaged in that level of degradation although the thought is something that turns us both on.) Some will say those type of degrading remarks are harmful and "shouldn't" ever be done. And I can see that point and I can even see someone writing those things out and possibly thinking "wow that just crosses a line" if I were to read someone else going through that. But doesn't change the fact that it turns me on and I think in some instances that is okay - for me.

And again...another example...
The other night I posted this quote from The Academy:
"Slaves need to be beaten regularly. Not as punishment -- it's better if there's no particular reason, except to remind that slave of who and what he is. It's hard to stay focused on the idea that you're property, and a good beating brings that home to a slave's mind in a very direct and unmistakable way. Most slaves come to enjoy their beatings and to miss them if the routine is interrupted. In fact, it's a form of abuse to deny them that discipline, because nothing else seems to reinforce the special bond between Master and a slave, or slave and trainer, as well as a regular, expected beating. While you are being beaten, you have the full attention of the one beating you, and He has yours."

On one hand I don't feel - for me - as a slave that I should need reminders of who I am...I am who I am - period. But on the other hand....I do like to be beaten and I do know that after I have been beaten there is a lightness in my serving. There is more intense heightened feelings towards the service. It is just not me serving - and doing it without thinking because it is so ingrained. It is me doing it because I feel intense desire. Not that I don't feel that other times without beatings....I do. But it is not an everyday feeling of service - for me. So I am of two minds.

For me...I got use to the two mind thing. It isn't confusing to me. Somewhere inside it lines up and I am like okay. It also helps me keep an open mind that things can change...my mind can change on subjects. And that is okay.