Punishment...

Another good post by my friend Jen about Punishment.

We don't have punishment as a part of our dynamic either for very similar reasons. Master believes if something is wrong then we need to look at the structure because something must be seriously wrong if I am disobeying.
It doesn't mean he doesn't change behavior, ways I do things or have active control - he does. He just expects me to obey....that is the deal in this relationship. I am here to serve and obey and so if that is not what I want then...this is not the relationship for me. But I also think I am as someone else said over on Jen's post "wired" for obedience. I don't like to disappoint and will at all costs try not to. Been that way all my life hated my parents being disappointed in me (although they were often as it felt I never could do anything right no matter what I did).

Life Update and Book Suggestions Please

Been quiet because one of course I am in a migraine cycle. And two I have been trying to finish art project that hasn't really gone smoothly especially with a migraine.

I have a few more March questions but I doubt they will be answered before March ends as we leave to go out of town tomorrow and won't be back until Saturday. But still anyone who has a question feel free to ask. It has been nice having topics to write about as after blogging for 7 years - I just feel like at times I repeating everything.

I am almost through my stack of books. I received a gift certificate from Amazon plus Master said I can get a library card...not that our library is very big but going to look into see if they order books. They do have where I can check out books online and they will have them ready for me to pick up so that is cool. So between library and Amazon I was thinking getting another list of books going as I am almost through the stack I had here at home. So I would love suggestions please!

Right now I have on my list:
Eleven Minutes: A Novel - Paulo Coelho
Memoirs of a Geisha: A Novel - Arthur Golden (lent my copy out years ago and never got it back)
The Cloister Walk - Kathleen Norris
Bitten (Women of the Otherworld, Book 1) - Kelley Armstrong
The perfect victim - Linda Castillo.
Outlander - Diana Gabaldon

Master came home with a rose for me today just because. I am a lucky girl! I have it sitting here on my desk. :)

Positive Monday

5 good things....
1. That my migraine is not as a bad as it was yesterday.
2. Clean sheets on the bed and most of the laundry done
3. Lots of inspiration going on around me right now.
4. Got to watch Battle Star Galactica with Master during dinner (even though I wasn't thrilled with how it ended and that we have to wait until 2008 to find out what next).
5. Wheat thin crackers...yum!

we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers

A good list...16 things it takes most of us 50 years to learn

Today was the migraine from hell day of the month. Master took good care of me....getting me ice packs, crackers, dinner and such. It is much better now. But I really needed today...to get some things done and of course that didn't happen so I hope I have time tomorrow and that the migraine is gone!

I hope to get to some book reviews done soon. I probably will not do all of them but will do the Laura Antoniou books for sure....The Academy, The Reunion. Other books read...Suicide Blonde, a book on creativity that I can't remember the title at the moment, Kink (that doesn't have anything to do with kink and new that when I picked it up), Urgent 2nd Class, and Alphabetica.

We are going out of town on Thursday and will be back Friday or Saturday. Master and I are spending one night on the sly without family knowing. We are sneaking into town early....spending a night at the hotel and then going to some fetish stores too.

March Questions: Cooking

What meal is a quick fix meal for you? The menu for a special occasion? What your favorite comfort food to cook? What favorite dessert to make?

Quick fix meal: Grilled chicken that I let sit in some balsamic vinegar for about 10 minutes. Sprinkle with some grillmate before I throw on the grill*. Baked potato (I microwave them for 4 to 6 minutes depending on size of them and sometimes stick in the oven with a little rock salt and olive oil on the skin for about 10 to 15 minutes while finishing up other things), steamed green beans. It is a quick fix because we get those bags of frozen individual skinless chicken breasts so I take 2 of those out thawing in the microwave for a few minutes if I haven't taken them out in the morning. And then I marinate them for 10 minutes before throwing on the grill for 5 to 7 minutes. It makes a meal done in 30 minutes or less! No I am not Rachael Ray.

Special occasion: Well Master's birthday would be Beef Stroganoff, with a steamed veggie, and garlic toast. That is one of his favorites. Usually special occasion food just is whatever sounds really good at the time. Like we have had a herb crusted roast, roasted veggies with balsamic vinegar, salad, homemade rolls for one anniversary. We had ham with a brown sugar orange juice glaze, creamed potatoes, green beans with roasted red peppers and garlic Parmesan homemade rolls for Christmas. So it really just is decided based on what we are craving or what is the traditon for the occasion.

Favorite comfort food: Take out Chinese :) But I guess that is not something I make...well I do make Chinese dishes but usually that is not something I make for comfort food. Comfort food for me....right now has been a casserole I made called Meatball Sandwich Casserole. Nachos are another thing that is comfort food for me. Those are also quick fix meal because just browning ground turkey with taco seasoning and then the fixing is something we always have in fridge and pantry.

Dessert: I love to bake so I am not sure there is a favorite. I really like to make my Mom's homemade chocolate chocolate chip cake. It is very yummy! Some other: sour cream cookies, cinnamon chocolate brownies, chocolate chip cookies, chocolate buttermilk pie, and cream puffs.

Here is a link to some recipes I use. I haven't updated that section in a long time.

*I use an indoor grill - like the George Forman but the one I have is a Hamilton beach with removable grill and also other plates for a griddle that I use to make grilled cheese sandwiches or panini's. It is another kitchen appliance that I really like and use a lot!



**Feel free to ask anything you might want to know and I will answer. I am screening the questions AND allowing anonymous comments.

Service

I meant to post this link last week but of course it slipped my mind. A good friend wrote about service vs the things that need to be done. And I really like how she captured it so perfectly...it aligns with what I have always felt service is too.

March Questions: In the kitchen

What kitchen gadgets and appliances do you like the most? Do you have a wishlist of kitchen things you want add?

Things I have and love:
Kitchen Aid Mixer - Master bought it for me....it was a really good deal on Amazon and I use it all the time. Christmas time especially it gets a work out because I make lots of Christmas goodies as gifts. But it does get used quite a bit throughout the the year.

Bread Machine - I was always scared of making bread. Then I got a bread machine from my Mom for Christmas one year. I just find recipes online and throw them in on the dough cycle mostly, then shape them when they are done mixing/raising, and bake. I use it make dough for just white, whole wheat, rye, light oat bread and then rolls, breadsticks, french bread, sweet breads, pizza/calzone dough and such. It is great too because I can walk away after I get everything in and do lots of other things while it mixes, kneads and goes through first rising. It saves so much time!

Silicon Pastry Brushes - I know this will sound like a strange one but I use them for brushing egg whites on bread to give them that nice shiny/crunchy outside, use them for bbq sauce on chicken, sauce on a meatloaf, frosting cookies or cinnamon rolls. Everything I use with them they just brush on so easily and mess free. The brushes go into the dishwasher. It is not like the straw old brushes that break off if you don't keep them conditioned. Anyway I got the set I have the dollar store once and now look for them every time I am there to give for gifts because they regularly go for 8 to 17 dollars for a 2 pack - in kitchen gadget sections of departments stores and I got a 2 pack from Dollar Tree for well a dollar. :)

Glass Pitcher - Not really a kitchen tool but something I use it all the time and really like a lot. I have it on the table for dinner with water in it. I always have water glasses along with wine glasses we always seem to go through lots of water. And even more so when entertaining. So I don't have to get up and down from the table having that pitcher of water on the table always is a nice thing.

Cloth napkins - Not really a kitchen. I have several sets that go with our dinnerware and they are so great just to throw into the washer and dryer. Nice that saving on paper. They just look nicer too even when setting down to a just some leftovers still feels like a nice meal.

Flexible Cutting Mats - I just get mine at wal-mart but I love those things....they come with usually 3 colors (mine are green, blue, clear) I don't like to cut raw or ready-to-eat foods all on one cutting board even though it is thoroughly washed between. So with these mats I can use the blue strictly for raw foods and the green for ready to eat foods like veggies.

I would like to have:
Pizza stone - just every time I have seen those used on cooking shows I think it makes the crust look so much better.

Knives - I want a good set of knives. Right now there is just such of odd knives in the drawer. But never seem to have the one for the job I am doing at the moment.

Kitchen aid mixer attachments - the pasta attachment I think would be great. Because we like pasta and just heard lots of good things about it.

Glass storage containers - we do leftovers. Master likes them and I have plastic sets and they get so icky, so have to throw them out and thinking of all that plastic in the landfill doesn't make me feel good. So I would really like to switch to a glass set with lids.


**Feel free to ask anything you might want to know and I will answer. I am screening the questions AND allowing anonymous comments.

Passing this on....

A Fat Girl Rant....

March Questions: 3 sets of quesitons

I felt all these questions kind of went together so putting them all in one post.

Do you find it hard to offer your view with your Master? Especially if it is something that you know you are right about?

I think some things are harder to talk about then others in general. Master does want me to open and transparent so sharing is not an option but basically an order. But just because it is an order doesn't mean it makes it easy. I do get distant. I do get very internal where I ponder things and work it inside instead of sharing. I wish it was just easy to open up but I am not good with words and speaking. At time I might be able to get them out through typing but Master would prefer me to verbally communicate with him.

Once I do open up it does become easier. I am very passionate about some things and although I am not a person to yell or carry on...my voice does carry that passion. I try to be respectful but I know because the passion for some subjects the tone changes and comes through in a way that is not pleasing to Master. Although that is not my intention it is something I work on because it doesn't matter my intention it is what he wants...how he wants me to be behave.

If I need to discuss with him a subject that I feel I am right and he is wrong well that depends on the situation if it will be hard or easy to bring up. But again Master wants me to be open and honest with him so above all else that is what I need to keep in mind. But over all Master wants to hear my views and why I think another choice/answer/idea might be better. He sometimes agrees with me and other times he doesn't. Either way I did what I was suppose to - told him - and then he made the final decision.

Do you fight with your Master?

Yes we do fight. We are human and well it happens. I do sometimes get snippy with him but usually I recognize that pretty quickly and apologize. We both at times snip at each other because well again it does happen. We try hard not to do that to each other though. We try to let the other know what is going on. Like if it has been a bad day - one thing after another and so we feel grouchy and tired we communicate to each other about it because that usually helps us not feel so grouchy and stop the snipping before it happen.


Are you never tempted to resist your Master's decisions? Do you sometimes doubt him? If so how do you cope?

I haven't really ever been tempted to resist Master's order. I have a rule where I can't have a diet coke unless I get permission. And there are some days I would love to go get that diet coke and not ask. But I haven't gotten near the point of pulling the diet coke out of the fridge. There was one day I knew I couldn't reach him and I just got a glass of water and waited.

I haven't ever doubted Master. I have always agreed with him. I haven't always liked things he wanted me to do. I haven't always understood them but he is really good about talking about things with me...if I don't understand. It is a very rare occasion when I get the - "because I said so" answer. And usually I just deal with that by either kind of a meditation practice of reminding me who I am with - why I am here. And letting go. I am a huge Joss Whedon fan and on the show Firefly there is this one line where a girl is giving birth and in pain...and Inara says to her, "This is just a moment in time step aside and let it happen." And when something is hard I try to do remember that -- know I am doing what he wants so just take a breath and know it is just a moment in time. And let go.

Also if there have been doubts they usually have nothing to do with Master even if they come across that way at first. Usually with further examination it is my own fears or insecurities putting up the doubt.


**Feel free to ask anything you might want to know and I will answer. I am screening the questions AND allowing anonymous comments.

Resistance

"Resistance does not mean walls and fences, nonresistance does not mean open space. If you can understand in this way, mind and matter are fundamentally the same." -Tsu-hsin

Sunday Morning Discussions

Master and I have started what is I guess is called Sunday morning discussions. We haven't, since coming off our hard year, gotten into the full swing of getting our M/s as overt or intense as it was before. And so we just want to start putting the topic out there more and have things come from it that maybe help bring us back to the level we had before.

So this morning we started our first discussion. Master told me to pick....so I just pulled an essay off the web from Internal Enslavement. And we each read it and then laid in bed and discussed it - what we agreed with, what we could relate too, what we disagreed with. And from there it of course that spawned more discussion. It was really fabulous! It was hard in some spots because we looked at areas that are unhappy with and we looked at areas that we still don't know how to really repair fully but it isn't being ignored. We did find some solutions to some things though too. We talked about good things. We talked about things we never knew about each other. It just all in all was really good for us.

We discuss things a lot but I think at times we don't know how to get a conversation started about some subjects...so the essay really helped jump start us into putting it out there more. And I look forward to learning more...growing...moving forward.

March Questions: Sex

Where the most unusual place you have ever had sex?

a church, school pit orchestra (after hours of school), bent over a car several times and places, against a window in the stair well in college....hmmm not sure if there is anywhere else...they don't all seem that unusual I guess except maybe church.


**Feel free to ask anything you might want to know and I will answer. I am screening the questions AND allowing anonymous comments.

Spring is in the Air....

• The weather has been amazing. Almost too amazing. I am scared we are going to get blasted with one last cold blast. But today we went to run errands and I wore sandals.
• I am really struggling with daylight savings this time around. I am not getting to sleep until after 3am or 4am. I then don't sleep well often until after 6am. So I am sleeping IN! I mean really in anywhere from 9am to 11am. Master has been letting me sleep in because he doesn't like that I am not getting any sleep.
• Started a new book but not sure I will finish it at least now. It has beautiful words and the first sentence makes me drool but then it is like that each sentence is trying to compete with each other and see it can be even better.
• My monitor is acting wonky so tomorrow I plan on trying to rearrange to see if something it is sitting next to is causing the vibrating lines through the screen.
• I have about 2 or 3 more questions for March question month to finish up but if anyone has one still please feel free to ask. (they can be done anonymously.)
• I also have several other posts started. I just haven't had time to finish them. One is living with pain. I have had several people ask me about living with my migraines.
• Carolynn, a friend of mine, is a fantastic woman. She is what people in the lifestyle would call vanilla. I met her through livejournal community. I can't being to tell you how much I adore her. She is witty, smart, kind, talented, pretty and so much more. She is a wonderful mother and wife. I am grateful that she sees me as I am and accepts me. I can't begin to explain how much that means to me. Anyway, I just wanted to do a public thank you to my friend Carolynn. You are amazing and I am blessed to call you my friend.

The Girl in the Box

warning: the link the words I put in this post might be a trigger for those with abuse in their past.

kaya was talking about the girl in the box....here is the story online (the book A Perfect Victim goes into a lot more detail.) Master gave me this link shortly after I moved in.

I get conflicted when I read stories like that because on one hand it turns me on the non-consensual acts - the assault, rape, kidnapping - they are all things I fantasizes about when I masturbate. I have had many fantasies about such things. And I even lived through situations personally that skirt that edge where my mind can't tell the difference between consensual and non-consensual. I think of things from my past such as when I was with Don. I was held down by 4 men....I said no and struggled as they forced open every hole to pleasure them. I go between the memories of fear and dislike of it although I was wet and had orgasms during it. And now I think of the evening now and turns me on that they didn't stop. So as I think about it or other situations in my life...or read stories as the one in the link above....my breath quickens, my skin start to become sensitive and tingle and I feel the wetness build between my legs...and I have to keep reading...I have to keep thinking of those things. Because it turns me on. I like the thought of struggling and saying no and being forced and beaten into submission.

But then at times...guilt kicks in and I see a story of a person who was assaulted, raped, kidnapped and put through things that "shouldn't" turn me on. I think of my past and think those things should make me wet and desire them again. I don't want people to suffer or go through that kind of abuse and trauma. So I struggle with the fact something that is "wrong" is turning me on.

For the most part I just try to let it go and know it is what I desire. I know I didn't want the person in the story to experience it...I didn't want her hurt. And so I balance my morality with the intoxicating desires I experienced and read about.

Gratitude Tuesday

~ M ~

Master - There will never be enough words or even the right words to express my gratitude for Master. I am grateful to you for allowing me to serve you. I am grateful to you for all you give me daily. I am grateful for the journey we share together. Thank you! I love you Master!
Moni - I am grateful to my good friend Moni. I miss her so much. She always gave me support during hard time and to the ear to just hash things out. You are a good friend and I love you!
M/s - I am grateful for the relationship I am in....it allows me to be who I am.
mail love - I am always grateful for mail love! I have wonderful friends and family that send me little pieces of mail love that brighten my day! Thank you!
mary janes - I love mary janes! Not only are they comfy but they allow that little girl inside of me to be out even at 39 years old.
meditation - I am grateful for the time and practice of medication - it makes me feel better - more centered.
Michael Parkes - I really enjoy his art and grateful that he shares his talent through his beautiful, mysterious work.
mixed media art - I grateful for all the mix media works that inspire me to push myself as an artist.
music - It really is like the next word...music is a memory. I am grateful for the words, the sound that make memories or create an emotion in the moment that will be thought of and felt forever.
memories - I am grateful to all the wonderful memories I have...from those that are still here and for those that aren't...I do cherish them.
movies - grateful to the hours and hours of entertainment movies provide. And tomorrow night I will be watching Casino Royale and drooling!
mulled cider - I love mulled cider. It is not the season for it but in the fall it is a wonderful taste and aroma.
Mom - I am grateful to my Mom. She is a great Mom....gave me wonderful special times and supported me through all my trials and tribulations.

Positive Monday

It has not been a great day but I feel I should do this so I can focus on some positives.

5 Good Things...
1. Spending dinner and watching BSG with Master
2. The Reunion...it was a very good book
3. My headache lessening
4. The weather being so nice that we have our windows open
5. Aveeno lotion - as my skin feels so dry right now and the lotion makes me feel not so itchy.
And
6. The new James Bond movie comes out tomorrow and Master said he thinks we should probably get it! yay!

life update...

This week went past fast for me actually yesterday morning when I got up to make Master's breakfast I thought it was Thursday and then I was looking at the calendar on the wall and realized it was Friday.

Master ordered me some items online recently and when they came they were too big. So I called to exchange them. The person on the phone was just very matter fact about - not rude but not overly pleasant either. I hang up and realize I forgot to ask them something about returning the items so I call them back. The person I talk to answers my question, but also confirmed the exchange order I had just placed. I said yes and hung up the phone. I thought the price seemed really high but my mind hadn't caught up enough to ask her about that before I hung up the phone. So I grabbed the package invoice and sure enough it was almost a $20 difference. I was making an EVEN exchange just one size down on the items. I called again and the person I spoke to the third time....was a charm! She went out of her way to help me and thought it was kind of odd that it wasn't done the first time I called. She even ended up throwing in free express shipping for having to call back so many times. That is good customer service! I ended up emailing them to tell them her name and how helpful she had been for me.

Worked some this week. I hope to clean my studio this afternoon and then work on art tonight or tomorrow. I haven't had a chance to any in a a few weeks. And I have as always several projects to do.

I am making pure junk food goodness tonight for dinner. Meatball "Sandwich" Casserole...layer of bread, a cheese layer (cream cheese and cheese), meatballs, sauce and then more cheese. I am making the meatballs out of ground turkey and veggies so at least it will counter some of that fat in the cheese! I really would like to make some cookies or cupcakes too. But not sure I have the energy.

Not much else going on.

Quiz: Bishop

I am a Bishop fan so I couldn't past this quiz up...

Your Bishop Bondage Position First your poor crotch was sore. I was nice and gave you these fine ropes. But do you appreciate it? Nooooo, all you can do is complain. I gave you the gag, but still naughty whimpering. Now you'll get something that really does hurt! And again and again for each little whimper and wiggle. How would you be tied up? Take the Bishop Bondage Test (only 4 questions)

March Questions: Pervertables

You did a series called "Adventures of the Toy Slut" that made me wonder what are your *favorite* diy BDSM toys or pervertables?

I really haven't made any toys in a long time. But my favorite diy toy was taking some rubber molding about an inch (maybe a little more) wide that you can buy at Home Deport or Lowes. Then just folding it over so it makes a loop and wrap the ends with electric tap. It is basically the rubber version of a strap.

I love pervertables!

Some favorites:
* A leather collar - just plain brown leather. It was folded over in the dollar store and I think it was shortly after I read started reading the Marketplace series...so I saw a strap when I glanced at it.
* A pet store pervertable - it is a tennis ball with a strap so that basically a person could play tug with a dog. It give a nice impactful wallop.
* Something I posted a few months ago is the baton.
* And with that Master's drum sticks and mallets.
* Spatula - it is not an ordinary spatula and I really wish I would have picked up like 10 of them when I saw because I have never seen them since. They were not long and thin like a normal rubber spatula/bowl scrapper but more short and wide like those wide paint scrappers. But again the end it rubber like a spatula. And it just has an interesting feel to it.
* I really enjoy wax play and always had fun playing with it. My favorite wax though is the Gigi Paraffin Wax for paraffin wax spas. It comes in several scents - peach, vanilla, lavender and a few more. It just felt so good on the skin. It has that prickly hot pain like other wax does but it also has this oil in it (safe oil for wax) and makes the skin feel so good after it is peeled off. Just even the consistency when applying it is feels different candle wax or just regular paraffin.

I am sure there are some more...as about half of the toys in the house are pervertables. But of course at the moment I am not thinking of others.

PS: I was curious what Master's favorite pervertable toy was...so asked and he said, "you."



**Feel free to ask anything you might want to know and I will answer. I am screening the questions AND allowing anonymous comments.

Quote...

"With S/M and spirituality, what's important is that you have examined your own conscience and your soul and decided: This is my path. That doesn't mean you can't have some help or some company along the way, but the ultimate responsibility rests with you, along with the task of creating your own glory and meaning and power. Nobody's selling tickets to Leather Nirvana." - Pat Califia, from the essay, "Shiny Sharp Things" in Speaking Sex to Power: The Politics of Queer Sex

March Questions: Left it all Behind....

Have you left it all behind the lifestyle...bdsm, being a slave? why? how long? what brought you back? did it seem different coming back after stepping away?

Okay well a little history...I was with Don at 18. I didn't know there was a name for what we were doing. It ended with him and shortly after I started dating my ex-husband. I wasn't in a "formalized" D/s dynamic but my submissive personality and my desire to serve are evident throughout our marriage. We also had some pretty yummy kinky sex. It was during my marriage I found out there was a world of BDSM out there.

I became actively involved in the BDSM lifestyle after my marriage. So when I left my first significant M/s relationship after my marriage (clear as mud?), I don't think I consciously left BDSM...the lifestyle but I do feel I put myself at arms length from at times. I threw myself into my work and business. I was burnt out, worn out...just tired not sure what I wanted and who I was...I thought maybe I wasn't the person I thought I was...I didn't want to say the word slave.

When I got involved in D/s actively again, it really was too soon. I should have stayed away of course easy to say that looking back now. And I did the arms length thing again...I knew my desires but didn't act on them outwardly. I read back in my blogger of that time in my life and I was in a really horrible place. And it was a good friend that got me through it. She basically constantly kept me in check.

After I closed my business I think did come back in a more positive way. Because my masochistic desires really were what wanted me to come back sooner. I wanted pain. I wanted to feel pain not only because I craved it but I am sure that it was to release some of the ugliness going on inside of me. And really that did happen in scenes with friends...tears, release...allowing me to figure some things out. Helped me see where I had been and what I wanted to focus on in the future...what I wanted in a relationship.

And luckily I found that with Master.


**Feel free to ask anything you might want to know and I will answer. I am screening the questions AND allowing anonymous comments.

The Reunion

I am really glad I hadn't read

The Reunion

until now. I know that reading it before this last year I would have read it with a much different perspective. And I am relating to it in a way that I appreciate - at this point in my life.

And basically that is a reminder to hopefully come back and write about the why.

a cup of tea

just a conversation....

me: damn i made my tea hot!
Master: just like My girl.... dammmmmm hot.....

then I blushed.
And He enjoyed that!

March Questions: Blogging II

Sometimes when i have so much going on and need to talk i find it hard to write in my Lj. I find myself editing because i know people will read it. Do you do that too? Do you sometimes write privately about your more intimate feelings?

Yes, I do edit myself..unfortunately. I do that more now that I am Master's. Often that is because sometimes I know I am being irrational or too emotional and when I calm down I will think/feel more calmly and clearly. And I feel venting or just expressing emotions in the moment could be taken wrong....as I have had that happen and lost friends because of it. Master does want me to be as open as I can but understands the public nature of blogs that I do struggle. If I really need to get something out that I have problems doing publicly then I write offline either a word doc or paper journal.

I do have to say livejournal has allowed me to be a little more free with my words...having filters and the ability to lock posts. But I don't filter all that often.

I do have to say overall though when I have shared on a locked post and/or filtered something very hard to share I have had nothing but good/positive feedback so I guess I should see that and take a step to be more free with what I am saying when I need too.


**Feel free to ask anything you might want to know and I will answer. I am screening the questions AND allowing anonymous comments.

March Questions: Sexual Use

Do you believe as a slave that it okay that your Owner give you out for sexual use? Have you ever been given out for sexual use? Ever been involved in a gang bang situation? How did you handle being given out for sexual use? Was there anything that came up because of it after? Why did your Owner lend you out sexually?

My belief is when in an Master/slave or Owner/property type dynamic the right of Master/Owner is well...absolute. So if Master wanted to have me service someone else sexually or non sexually then that is His right. I do have to say with Master I believe this is really unlikely that He would give me out for sexual use but you know things can change.

In my past I was given out for sexual use and again I felt it was the right of who I was with because they owned me. Yes that line is a little more blurry with Don because there wasn't clear consent but there was implied consent. He arranged a gang bang more then once. As well as just lending me out to individuals. Another dominant I was with have loaned me out for sexual use as well as non sexual use.

Don had me in those kind of sexual situations for his amusement - he liked seeing me like that. He liked when it turned me on - when I let that slut part come out and just enjoy the moment. And he liked when I fought it. It turned him on either way. The other dominant well I guess one was kind of training. Although I don't like that word. But I was burnt out and he wanted me to go back to basics with someone else. So that is what I did and it was with someone I cared about a lot so I enjoyed it that. Another time was just because he thought it would be fun to lend his property out.

When I was with Don, most of the times the situations took me by surprise. And so it rattled me. It rattled me in some ways that made me fight against it and other times I just let go and accepted it and even enjoyed it at times. I didn't really understand what Don and I were doing - I look back and see the dynamic now but at the time I didn't understand it. I just knew it touched something in me that made me feel - at home for a lack of better words. So I do wonder if I knew and understood - if I would have handled it differently...if I could have handled it better - later too.

But overall I do think back on my times and get turned on but during them was kind of a whirlwind of emotions and was not able to process it well at the time.



**Feel free to ask anything you might want to know and I will answer. I am screening the questions AND allowing anonymous comments.

Gratitude Tuesday - L

~ L ~

love - grateful for loving..giving and receiving in many ways
life - grateful for the life I have and lead
laughter - grateful for the sound of friends and family laughing as well as the ability to laugh
Laurell k. Hamilton - grateful to her early books as they were entertaining plus they had special memories attached to them
leather - grateful for leather in its many forms and meanings - from single tail whip to leather as a lifestyle
lounging - grateful for the time to lounge and relax
lemons - grateful for the fresh smell, the flavor and the many things you can do with them
life journey - grateful to my life journey...grateful for being able to take the path I am on
loyalty - grateful for loyalty that that is given to me and that I give. I am very loyal but not to the expense of myself (long story if you have read me for a while you will know I was loyal to almost a harmful point)
light - grateful for light...allowing me to see things....and even in ways I might not have seen without light shining just a certain way
lists - grateful for lists to give me gentle reminders and keep me up to speed
lip gloss and lipstick - grateful for lip gloss and lipstick that allow me to be girly girl
lust - grateful for the lustful feelings that spark inside me, grateful to act on that lust also
lips - grateful for lips the softness of them when you kiss..the way they move when speaking....I have a thing for lips and Master has such sexy lips
language - grateful for language to communicate and expressive thoughts and feelings.

March Questions: Blogging

When you started blogging all those years ago *grin* did you think you'd still be doing so? Is blogging a requirement of your owner? What is your favorite thing to blog about?

I did think I would be blogging all these years later. And I hope to be blogging for quite a long time!

Blogging isn't a requirement from Master. Once in a while Master will say you should blog about that. But it isn't an order just a suggestion. He hopes the blog to be a place for me to write without pressure. I had the blog before I met him. He actually read it for almost a year before contacting me. And he started his own blog because of reading mine...all before we met. So blogging has become a part of us and I am thankful he allows me to blog.

I am not sure I have a favorite thing to blog about...I just like blogging and like what it has given me and helped me with over the years.


**Feel free to ask anything you might want to know and I will answer. I am screening the questions AND allowing anonymous comments.

Q&A

These weren't asked as a part of the March Questions...but hadn't got around to answering them and mainly because of 2 questions that are not being posted. So for now at least these are answered.

What kind of art are you interested in but have not yet tried your hand at? Encaustic (hot wax painting)

Describe a day in the life of danae- in the year 2012.
Let's see....
maybe like this. but I guess a little different now that Master works from home. But probably still similar. I also want art to be a big part of that day too.

Is there an object that you threw away or lost and really really wish you could have back?
When I was moving once I had a box that was suppose to be going with me and got put in the give away pile and so was donated to Good Will be accident. And I didn't find out until over a year later when those boxes got unpacked. It was a box of old china set (set of 8 dinner, salad, bowl, coffee cup, and saucer) plus a set of Fostoria dessert plates and coffee cups.

And then a wine set that my parents got for wedding present. I gave them to a friend but I am not sure she kept them. I keep meaning to ask her if she still as them.

March is question month!

Feel free to ask anything you might want to know and I will answer in an independent post.

I am screening the questions AND allowing anonymous comments over on livejournal so please feel free to ask over there if you prefer not to have others see what you are asking or don't even want me to know who you are.

Positive Monday

5 good things in my life...

1. Getting several things accomplished today despite really not being able to shake the nightmares I had last night.
2. Being able to design some things for Master and him really liking them.
3. Stromboli that I made for dinner.
4. Master getting me diet coke! Thank you Master!
5. Getting mail love!

Book Review: The Crimson Petal and The White

5 / 50 (10.0%)

Title: The Crimson Petal and the White
Author: Michel Faber

Rating: 4 stars out of 5

Summary: Basically it is the story of Sugar. Sugar is a 19-year old prostitute that is well read and intelligent. She is waiting for the opportunity to pull herself out of the misery of poverty when William Rackman comes into her life. William Rackman is the heir to a perfumery business who found Sugar when looking for a specific erotic skill. William's enchantment with Sugar leads him to purchase her making her his exclusively. He tries to give her every comfort he can think of and in exchange she's open to his every whim, available any time. This story is mostly about Sugar's life when she becomes William's mistress.

Review: I really enjoyed the story of Sugar. Seeing how her mind would go through things. Seeing how she spent her days from prostitute to where she ends up towards the end of the book. I enjoyed Agnes and Sophie too. But the people they encountered at parties and William's brother and his love interest....and the other prostitutes....I could have been fine without reading about. I felt the story went on a little too long to get to where it got in the end. I also didn't really enjoy the writing style it confused me at times. The author would be talking Sugar and something she is doing and the sentence would end and then the next paragraph would be about William's brother thinking about the woman he loves. And then whatever Sugar was doing that last paragraph often wouldn't be brought up again. And well that is a very unique writing style but I still got frustrated wanting to know what happened next. Sometimes it would be revealed through other parts of the story but at times it wouldn't.

I know lots of people loved this book and although I liked it - it is not a book I would reread. Especially from how this book ended. It did leave me wanting more of Sugar but disappointed me because I wasn't going to get that chance.

Lately....

* I know I haven't done a life update post lately because I have been suffering from a pretty big migraine cycle. It finally spiked to the point where Master and I both thought he might be taking me to the ER the other night. Luckily I got it under control but since then it kind of knocked me on my butt. Yesterday it was still lingering and then today I just felt out of it and tired. So hopefully tomorrow I will feel more like myself. I have housework, website work, and art all piling up.

* We watched Mirrormask tonight. I really enjoyed it, but I liked Dave McKean's art before I saw the movie so I was pretty sure I would like the movie.

* Made yummy breakfast burritos for breakfast.

* Finished The Academy and starting Reunion! yay! I have The Crimson Petal and The White review started.

Really not much going on because of fighting the migraine cycle - so happy that it seems it has passed.