We woke up this morning with it snowing BIG snowflakes. The cats watched from the window with wonder. C2 would put her paw up to the window trying to catch them. Master went out and brought in a handful of snow and put it on the entry tiles for them to explore but when they got near they went okay not for us...cold and wet! LOL
Today my patience seems null and void.
I feel all great one moment but then the next I feel near tears and ready to snap. :(
I wonder why so many things are getting to me this week.
The other night Master asked me if I was upset about something and if I was I needed to be talking to Him. His tone was of frustration. He asked if I was holding something against him because that is what it felt like….I was surprised but not at the same time. I guess most of the time things that upset me I am able to let go of easier then I have the last week and so they are affecting me more outwardly right now because I can't let go of them. And so it may seem I am holding things against Him when in fact I am just trying to deal with things.
Things are so different in a vanilla relationship…when with Jim I do many of the things I do now…I keep house, I have dinner waiting, I tried to dress nice, I tried to be pleasing and so on. I do these things for Master - exception is….when I had an off day with Jim...I would tell Jim sorry….and not feel bad about it because we were husband and wife and not Master/slave. Now I am a slave and so basically I just do what is expected of me even when I am not feeling like it.
It is a rare occasion when I don't….do what is expected of me (with permission).
An example of sorts….
Last month I had a pretty bad migraine that lasted 2 days. And I was sleeping lots because it was bad. So my usual times of getting ready for Master before He came home did not happen. And Master said a week later "well you have not been dressing for me much." I went back and recalled the nights and came up with those 2 nights.
It hurt my feelings and I felt like a horrible slave for missing 2 days out of a month. I also was upset because it was 2 nights out almost the whole time I had been with Him when I thought back. It bothered me that He would think that is not dressing for Him much. But I did not say anything. I just had to deal. If Jim had said that to me, I would have said something back about dressing for * him * every night. But I did not say anything to Master and just tried to deal.
But here in lies the problem because for me to deal...I just kind of get quiet because if I open my mouth I am scared I will screw up again, do something that will not please Him more and I don't like the thought of displeasing Him.
I also know that sometimes Master interprets me sulking or pouting in these moments when I am really more in fear of doing something wrong and displeasing Him further.
And so I have been quiet on and off this past week because I just get upset by things that I normally wouldn't and so to deal I just try to be quiet and let it pass. But it also is not passing very quickly.
It almost feels like PMS but it would mean that I am early.
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Well I better sign off and make pizza....
Tonight Tristan Taormino is going to be on Real Sex on HBO. We saw her speak at Thunder in the Mountains in July. I really liked her...she was just really funny and open. And gave very good informative information. We saw her speak on Enemas. Master gives me enemas and at that time we were pretty new to doing them so it was good to hear all her tips and information on the subject.
"November 22, 11:00 pm, Am I Good In Bed? Real Sex 31 (HBO - EAST) The debut of my segment all about anal sex on HBO - don't miss it!"
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