Surreal....

Okay so I have never been fond of driving. Because my birthday is in October I could have been driving before my classmates when turning 16. And really I still was but I didn't get my drivers license *on* my birthday because I just don't like driving. It really has never changed. Before I get in the car I think about where I am going, how I will get there exactly, what lanes I need to be in and where I will try to park when I get there. Driving stresses me out and sends me into almost a OCD mode and so I don't like driving. Well not true...I don't actually mind long distance driving. I used to kind of enjoy the drive from Cleveland, Ohio to Topeka, Kansas - did that several times. But city driving makes me anxious. So when I moved to be with Master, I drove here, parked my car in his drive way and it sat here until we got rid of it. (Just to say my car had problems also so not that best thing to drive.)

If I need to go store or need something, I rely on Master. I request it and then Master says yes or no...if yes he goes and gets it for me or he tells me when we will go together to get it. I don't go anywhere without Master. I don't drive very often with Master but at times I do just to keep up with it.

So a few weekends ago Master went out of town - he flew so his car stayed here with me and I dropped him off and picked him up at the airport. He gave me fun money to spend on myself and so I went to Michael's Arts and Crafts. I didn't really venture out much more. But it was a little taste...

I drove to Michael's and thought wow...this is odd but it isn't bad. And it really...kind of felt good. It really did...it made me nervous too though because I hadn't drove in a while and it was odd just to be alone in the car - going someplace without Master. But I have to say I probably liked it more then I want to admit. I became nostalgic of good days - in years past of driving and getting away alone...just doing things for me. I liked that feeling so much that next day I had a "bad" delay reaction to it. I was feeling horribly guilty for enjoying the freedom. I felt bad for for having the thoughts I did about freedom.

So it had been very brief little moments of driving by myself that weekend. Fast forward...Master hurt his knee the day after he came home from his trip so he is pretty much immobile -- so I have *had* to drive. Since Master's injury when I have had to drive it just basically one thing to do - go, do it and come home again. But today I drove several places and I was gone several hours and then came home. I then drove again but Master was with me as a passenger - he had his first venture out in over a week. He got down the stairs to the porch and into the car fairly well for a first time.

Before I left I had a little panic attack but then after I started driving it seemed to go away. There was one errand that Master had me do that did stress me again at the moment of it but I got through it.

It was just so odd and surreal....

I am not sure even how to process how it made me feel.

I know I have worried at times if I could function after being dependent on Master for so much but I did...function. All the things that were there before Master kicked in....I can take care of things that he normally does.....I even can drive after 3 years of never going anywhere without Master.

Although it still is all very odd and surreal to me.


Yes I am adding a PS to my blog....
PS: Master has a hot car....men especially seem to notice his car and ALWAYS comment on that it is a "sweet" ride or "AWESOME car" - and you should see them look when it is a girl driving it. It was quite funny watching their reactions.