March Questions: Poly

my Master and i are thinking about bringing another slave into our life.. do you have any do's and dont's for a poly relationship?

Okay these are what work for me and I know not all of them will work for others. Your relationship might not be seeking the same kind of poly set up that we are looking for - a triad. So some of these are general poly tips but some will be geared towards triads. And I am sure I come across negative against d-types but s-types do the same things. I am just wording them from my point of view - my experiences. So all of this can apply to the s-type.


* Really search yourself. Know if you are ready for poly or even want to explore poly. And be honest about it. If you don't think you are poly, say it. Just because I am submissive doesn't mean I shouldn't voice my issues. And I have seen many s-types that just follow without saying I don't think I am poly. It is okay to not be poly. Just be honest with yourself and your dominant/partner.

* Be open and honest. If you are having any problems, issues, concerns, reservations - EXPRESS them. If you aren't communicating it, then you can't work through it. And of course the reverse is true too - if the d-type has issues or concerns. Even if it is that you have had to unload the dishwasher the last 3 times even though it was her turn. Yes it sounds like sibling issues. But it still matters that you be honest and discuss it. (I will get into something about this morning down below.)

A few d-types have said to me when I tell them the above...."well she just goes on and on and on about this and that." And well although I know it can get tiresome/bothersome - it seems like so little to me to help your s-type be more secure in exploring poly. By talking about it as much as is needed. Because the more she feels secure the more lasting poly relationship you will have. And if the d-type is really pushing this issue - that he is done talking about it - it would give me red flags. Now I know this isn't the case always. But in my experience if this happens then I feel there are bigger problems in the relationship going on.

For d-types be honest too - if you are just wanting to explore poly for sex. Say it. Nothing wrong with just wanting to have sex with others - but again be honest. Also be honest about what is going on with you and the other person - if you went and saw the other person and played be honest. Yes I have heard well I didn't want to her feelings to be hurt - but hurting her feeling verses lying - what is the bigger problem here? Lying always. Hurt feelings can be worked through by communicating and being honest upfront. Lying and her finding out is a harder one to overcome as you are setting up long term trust issue from then on.

* If you are having problems in your relationship, it is my opinion to not start searching for another to add to the relationship. Poly isn't a fix it. It is just like a vanilla couple having a kid - thinking it will bring them closer. Poly can bring you closer but that usually happens when a couple has a strong foundation in the first place. Or during new relationship energy - but after that fades away the problems will come back up. And often if you are thinking poly is a fix it - bringing another in will just make those problems bigger and more complex or out of control.

* Make sure you talk about how you want things to go and problems that might come up for you both. Such as for us it is a must that we both meet the person at the same time. The reasoning for us is that it starts out on the same footing. If Master meets the person first, then I am coming in late to the party. They have had that first meeting getting out the jitters and they are more casual and comfortable with each other and then I am the odd man out feeling uncomfortable and will most likely feel like a third wheel. And if I met her first then it might feel that way for Master. (The hardest thing to deal with for me is here.)

* Group meetings dates are good, but remember to get to know the person on your own too. I think it is important for each person to have a bond and relationship with the new person. In one of my past poly relationship, the other s-type and I had lots of one on one time but I wasn't getting hardly anyway one on one time with the d-type. So it felt very unbalanced. Especially in a power dynamic.

Now some D/s geared advice...
* Respect the relationship flow. If he is the one in control - then he is the one in control. And respect that flow of power. If the "primary" submissive is giving the new submissive orders then it can be very confusing. There is a difference between helping and making suggestions and ordering. Just make sure the motivation to truly help and give suggestions.

* Also if he gives an order and it goes against how you do something then go discuss it with him if you don't like it - don't take it out on her. I have a post somewhere about how I read a post from a submissive who was fuming how the submissive put away laundry wrong and how it would make more work for her. But also even if she just was helping out and trying to serve by doing laundry because the slave was at work - that still was no excuse to yell at her. It would be better to go to the girl and tell her, "Master likes the laundry put away like this." OR if he has no preference it is just your preference say that. And tell her why. Tell her, "It is easier that pants go over here as those are the first thing Master grabs."

* Also use judgment when going to your owner to talk about problems with her. Because maybe you should just be going to her. If the dishes aren't getting done, maybe go to her and ask her if there is anything wrong as you had noticed that dishes hadn't been done by her for 2 times and is there anything you can do to help her. If it is a reoccurring problem then I would say it is time for the owner to step in. But remember we are all adults and should act like it. So it shouldn't be one running to the Master (Dad) telling on her (sister).

* This is for when the other moves in....if she moves in make sure you allow her to make it her home too. This is always Master's home first of course. But many things Master just allows me to use my best judgment. He doesn't care how the kitchen is organized because I am the one using it the most. When someone new joins us, they might have different way to many things - such as organizing the kitchen. And she should have some say in it. And I will need to be open to that her ways might be better then mine. So discuss on how to decorate, arrange and organize together - compromise. Also remember holidays - include her traditions too.

I am sure there are many things I am missing at this moment. But I would talk to others that have poly relationships. There are quite a few poly groups on FetLife too. And also remember some things that are musts for us aren't for you. And the power flow might be set up different too so there are many things that can be different for you and yours. Sometimes it is just making do with the best of your abilities. Talk talk talk is really what is about - as with everything.

I have written about poly quite a bit - our website has several links.


March Question Month - Please remember you can ask me anything. The how-to's are here.

March Questions: Sex

I am grouping several of the sex questions together.

Have you had a treesome (M-F-F)? Have you been with more then one man at a time? 3? 4 ? more? Have you been with more then one woman at a time?

Yes I have had threesomes....several. When I lived in the poly household, I had many. And then as an escort I had several too.

I have been with more then one man at a time, but it was a very long time ago....when I was 18. I haven't had a 3some with two men and myself. But I was gang banged and also done a train - so yes more then 3. But again those were when I was 18. And yes I would love to experience some of those again.

I haven't been with more then one woman at a time. I have made out with more then one girl at time. But not had sex.

Are you loud or quiet during sex?

I have changed back and forth over the years. I was very quiet younger - as I didn't want anyone to hear. Because you know having sex before I was married was a no-no in my family. I then became louder when I was married and didn't care if others heard as being married and having sex was okay. And after I left my husband, the first relationship I had - we met in hotel rooms as it was a long distant relationship and he wanted me to be quiet again. Then when I moved to be with the poly household, it was okay being loud. And he encouraged it so I became loud again. Master is mostly deaf so often I am quieter then usual because I know he won't hear me. That probably sounds odd.

Have you ever given a rim job? Received? I have given and received.

Ass to mouth: yes or no? yes I do ass to mouth.

What sexually would you like right now? Right in this moment?

Well if you follow my tumbler you can often figure out what I am thinking about. I mean yes I plan ahead and queue the photos up but just going over those images that I posted today but had planned several days ago - makes me wet with thoughts to go with them.

But what I have had images of over and over for several months is just the being turned on and brought to that edge over and over again. Through pain and fucked with toys and then finally fucked hard.

Describe your favorite sexual experience outside of your time with your Master? And then with your Master?

I have had many fantastic sexual experiences but the one that always pops to mind when people ask a question like this - is with my ex-husband.

He called me before he got off from work and told me to be kneeling on the bed naked. And to not speak to him or look at him until he told me I could. (BTW this is before we formally exploring D/s) So I heard him come in and talk to the dog. I hear him flipping through the mail. And he went to the bathroom and came into the bedroom and didn't speak to me. He undressed. And I heard him doing a few other things but wasn't for sure what.

He came up behind me and wrapped a silk cord around my neck and started to strangle me. He told talked dirty to me. Telling me that he could smell how wet I was when walked in the door. He let up with the pulling of the cords and played with my pussy. He fingered me bringing me close to orgasm but backing off before I did. And then pulled the cords again. I felt his hard cock pressing against me and would wiggle my ass and back - wanting him to fuck me. He let go for a moment and then tightened and thrust into my ass. He would let tighten and loosen as he fucked me and just as he orgasmed tightened. And tightened enough that I felt I was going to pass out. It was awesome.

I still get wet just thinking about it. You know why I think that time stands out - because I have had similar experiences since but they don't have the meaning that does to me. There was a closeness with us because of the relationship we had together. And that came through sexually.

One of my favorite times with Master is one I have described before....
He had beat me and slapped me until I was a fuzzy mess. I was of course at that point so dripping wet from the pain and wanting to feel him fuck me hard but instead he roughly pulled me off the bed and shoved me in the cage. And then he laid on the bed and masturbated. It was agony mixed with pleasure. I wanted so badly to touch him and feel him in my mouth or cunt but the sounds he was making and just watching his hand wrapped around his hard cock....was making me moan with pleasure. I really don't like to beg but I know I was begging at that point to touch and suck him. But he let me moan and drip. When he had his orgasm, he came over and wiped his cum all over my face and tits. Didn't even get to taste. It was so very hot to me.


March Question Month - Please remember you can ask me anything. The how-to's are here.

March Questions: Virginity

How did you lose your virginity? Details please!

Well if you have read back far enough in this journal (and I hope many of you have not as I was so neurotic) - it hints or barely talks about that I didn't lose my virginity consensually. So I usually don't count it as losing my virginity. What I do consider when I lost my virginity....was with the boy I consider my first real boyfriend* when I was 16, Jeff, and I started off with some D/s and SM -- I tried to please him even though I did not realize that was what I was doing. And then he and I were playful when we made-out. He spanked me a few times and I got very wet and turned on. He noticed. When it came time for us to have sex -- first time I had (consensual) sex -- he asked me if he could handcuff me to his bed and I nodded yes. And after that our sex included me being tied up, handcuffed and usually spanking or some type of resistant play was involved.

March Question Month - Please remember you can ask me anything. The how-to's are here.

* I say first real boyfriend because it was a boy who actually came to pick me up on dates. Where as in jr. high I "went with" boys and you know it was group dates or meeting them at the movie theater or pizza hut or whatever. And then it was also just kissing a light petting. My first real boyfriend it felt more serious and more overtly sexual.

March Questions: Dying + Love

Are you afraid of dying?
Yes and no. I say that because it depends on the day you ask me. Today not especially. Most days though I am afraid of dying. I have lived a life full of so many experiences but at the same time I feel like I have a lot more to do with my life. So I get scared I might not get the chance.


How many times have you fallen in love?
5 times. I love easily though - although I don't consider falling in love and loving the same. I also don't believe just because someone has left my life that I stop loving them. Such as my ex-husband...I fell in love with him and still love him today. I actually probably still think about him daily because I care about him so much. I have many friends in Ohio that I love and haven't seen them since 2004 but that love hasn't faded at all.

March Question Month - Please remember you can ask me anything. The how-to's are here.

March Questions: Blogging

Why do you blog? Why has your blog posts slowed over the years?

I blog really just to stay true to myself by writing my thoughts. And hopefully by looking back on my life to learn from the mistakes. I also blog just to keep track of my life. I want to be able to look back and remember.

When I first started blogging, I wasn't in an Owner/property relationship. I was struggling, searching and just trying to find out what exactly I wanted. So I BLOGGED a lot! Blogging to figure it all out.

Now I am living that life I was searching for so I am more busy serving than writing. I also have blogged for so long it just feels like I have said the same thing over and over. And the same things I still read in other blogs. So...why repeat it all. Sometimes in the moment I feel the need but if I get time to think about it - then I often delete the post just because it is a repeat.


March Question Month - Please remember you can ask me anything. The how-to's are here.

March Question Month

Okay okay I know I got tons of ideas for the 10 minute writings and then I haven't done any yet. I am planning on doing them though. I just have been super busy so not even 10 minutes to sit down and write. There are many things I enjoy falling to the way side. I am even more out of touch with friends then I was and I was out of touch before so you know it is getting bad. I hope to find a way to juggle everything better.

ANYWAY....it is that time of year....



Here are the rules ask any question and I will blog my answer. You can ask even ask anonymously. Just post your question(s) here in comments, over on LJ, on tumbler(you can ask anonymously there too) or via email. Comments on LJ are screened so no one else will see them. And tumblr works the same so that the question just gets sent to me and no one else sees it.

Please feel free to ask as many questions as you want. I always enjoy the questions and am fairly open about my life - so ask about anything.

Help Please - 10 Minute writings

I have a friend that has started 10 minute writings. Sometimes it is just stream of consciousness and other times she uses a prompt. And then she just writes on that subject for 10 minutes. I want help in creating a list of prompts to help me write here....so would you please leave a comment or email me (danaewhispering@yahoo.com) with a topic you would like me to write about. It can be anything from one word prompt to a question or statement. I don't guarantee I will write about it but I usually pretty open to anything.

I know one thing that has stopped me from writing is because at times some subjects seem like subjects I have written about a lot. So it makes me hold back but recently it was pointed out to me that people who are new to my blog or at least haven't read all 9 years of it (those that do oh my you need cookies or cake or something special!) and so haven't read those topics I feel I have written about millions of times. Okay I know not millions but sometimes it feels that way! :)

So please feel free to use any subject or question - even those you think I might have wrote about before because who knows my answer might have changed or maybe it just something you want to know about because you didn't read it the first 10 times (and I don't blame you).

Thank you in advance!

ps: I also have comments screened over at LJ and set it to public and to allow anonymous comments. Screening over at LJ means that only you and I can see them. So when you post it and it gives you a little message that says it is screened and then you can see it. And I can see it and that is all. And you can be anonymous if you prefer.

7 Year Collarversary

Today marks 7 years as Master's property. I don't have words for it so I will simply say I am very happy to be His. Thank you Master!

Please Support 2009 International Ms. Bootblack

There is a wonderful woman in the community named Pony. She is title holder for 2009's International Ms. Bootblack and just like other title holders, one of the things that comes with your title is to go to events and make appearance to represent her title.

Pony is also an ordained minister. This past November the church was made aware of her title as International Ms. Bootblack so was let go. Because of this, not only is she out of a job, but she has obviously lost the means to go to events and proudly promote her title.

We all can relate to having to hide in our dungeons and remain anonymous for fear of getting "caught." Wherein the basis of Ms. Bootblack and those that represent the community is to promote freedom of expression in our sexuality, we shouldn't have to be ashamed for what we are and when you read or hear Pony's words, you feel the emotion about how important it is to be out and proud of who we are. Her courageousness to confront this instead of hiding is the reason why I feel that more than ever, we as a community should throw our support for someone who is certainly deserving and proud of the title she honors.

Therefore, I'm asking for you, if you can - to give a little (or a lot) to help Pony deliver her important message at events from coast to coast. If everybody pitches in even just a little - then not only is it going for a good cause, but it also becomes as a victory against those who would rather find flaws in us than substance that binds us. Help us get Pony going!

From 2009 to 2010

Happy New Year! It is hard to believe it is in 2010. Usually I am one to really self-examine the outgoing year but I am not feeling like it at the moment. I have been so busy since Thanksgiving that I didn't get to do most of the things I do for the holidays so I am feeling kind of off entering the new year. 2009 of course had many good things but it was a hard year because of health and economy. I know 2010 will be better. And glad it is here.

I started rereading Eat Pray Love just before Christmas and am taking my time with it....savoring it. It is what I need right now - it has been my solace during this busy time. And also for ringing in the New Year.

Christmas was at Master's parents. It was a nice day with family. I didn't get to bake as much so my tray was smaller for Christmas day. But one thing I set out that I also made as gifts this year was a hit...."Gourmet" Popcorn....I made butterscotch, chocolate peanut and then a zesty popcorn mix with pretzels. And with all of them I have had really good feedback on such as "you can make more of that for me anytime."

For gifts this year I made bath fizzies, bath soaks, bath cookies (that looked like real cookies), hand-stamped kitchen towels and then the gourmet popcorn (all of which I will posting about over on domestic in the next few months). And as always treat trays. This year at an after Christmas sale at Target, I got quite a few melamine Christmas plates so that I can give treats on them next year.

Not much else to say....just busy working on a website.

I hope everyone has a 2010 full of good health and love and of course kinky sex!

Sit on Santa's Lap

I know most people have seen it but I am just making sure you have entered the Sit on Santa's Lap at FetLife. The last day to enter is January 4th, 2010 so you want to get over to FetLife and enter before then!

Humiliation - Part 3 of 3

Recently I was chatting with someone about humiliation. About it being a fine line.

With MS, the humiliation hit levels I hadn't had before (a partner I had right before Master). It was amazing. But can that be maintained and I still have a healthy outlook of myself? He and I discussed that as I said in another post. And we really didn't think so but it didn't stop us from fantasizing about it and desiring it. But as I expressed in that post, he and I got to the point where the play made me scared. I would get very nervous just going to him - as soon as I crossed his threshold and he started in - I was a puddle of goo. Still scared but it was a fear that turns me on. The fear I had before I hit his door - didn't turn me on it made me want to turn around and run. But it was fear.

So humiliation with Master is a finer line then it was with MS. An extremely fine line. I love Master and the things he says to me - I believe them in whole new ways. I believed it with MS too, but when I walked out the door - I was my own person. I could pull myself back together between our play because I had time away from him. So it was almost like I could pull the masks on again and pretend when I was with him.  With Master, he owns me and I am here serving him all day everyday so if he were come up to me while I was washing dishes and shove me to the ground and call me a fat cunt - it 8 times out of 10 going to make me cry. It might even be in a way that doesn't turn me on and that rattles around in my head. But he has the right to say it. It might not turn me on in the moment. When I go bring him that cup of coffee an hour later, I might start crying again.  Three hours later when I serve him lunch, I will again probably start crying. Because I can't put myself back together. When I finally get to the point in my brain of needing to accept it - then my body will react and become wet. When I give in to believing it. 

When he uses it during sex, calling me dirty whore with a stretched out cunt from having strangers dicks in it - I will melt into a puddle of goo. After I can often walk away without any hurt feeling lingering, because when sex is mixed in I accept it faster. Even him calling me fat during sex - I can walk away without lingering feeling. (When I say sex - sex for us is SM with sex - never just sex.) So when sex is mixed in my brain seems to accept those core beliefs I have about myself that he says to me.

But then add in where it is more of what the lifestyle would call a scene where it lasts for longer then sex....

Such as Master might get up in the morning pull me out of bed, put a hood on me, and shove me in the closet. Throughout the day he will pull me out - used me, called me names, make me do humiliating things, beat me, have me make him lunch,  and so on and so forth....that it harder for me to recover from too - even though I will go through a whole range of emotions - self-pity, happiness, anxiety, excitement, doubts, horny, fear, anger, and so many other emotions. It will touch on my emotional masochist buttons that needs to suffer and feel pain. I get turned on by that. It will hit other buttons that I don't get turned on - such as doubt if I can really do this for him bend, obey, suffer...and so on. After the hours, a day or days of being like that...I come out sometimes turned on and sometimes another emotion that isn't a good one. Recovering from it - can go from good to bad. It is a fine line.

Add into it another complex fact, no matter if they are good or bad emotions as an end result, 2 days later or a week later - I am masturbating to it. It turns me on after the fact. That I attribute to my emotional masochism. I like that thought that I hurt in bad ways as it hits the emotional masochism buttons in me. I will replay and talk about it lots because it hurt me. It is the weirdest thing to me to be so turned on later by something I hated in the moment. The same thing can go to when I was gang raped, I get turned on thinking about it a lot of the time. I get turned on by many of the things Don did to me even though I wouldn't completely say they were consensual. Sometimes it bothers me that it turns me on, but most of the time I just go with it and know I am a sexual being who is an emotional masochist, who needs humiliation, fear, and pain. Period.

But if I am breaking into tears every 5 minutes it effects my service to Master so it is double edged sword. We both love humiliating and objectification, but neither of us like it interfering with my service to him. So at times Master plays there carefully and not daily. Although we would both like to explore it more.

If anyone has questions, please feel free to ask. I am always open to them.


Part 1 - Part 2 and then another post that I talk about humiliation.

Humiliation - Part 2 of 3

Questions....
Someone asked me if it takes the sting out of the words in vanilla world/context...

No it doesn't. If someone in Wal-mart were to come up to me and call me fat, I would be very upset - not only hurt but pissed off. I wouldn't be groveling back for more to that person as I often do in a D/s - SM context.

"Do you see humiliation and degradation as a form of emotional masochism? Is it that you enjoy feeling that awful emotional pain, and crave that?"

For me humiliation and degradation go hand and hand with emotional masochism because that is where my humiliation/degradation buttons are....being called worthless or fat is humiliating and also hits a place of emotional pain. I do crave and have strong desires to feel that awful pain of the words tearing into me. I like hearing those things that tear me down. It turns me on.

"How is it a hot experience for you, and not something that emotionally scars you?" With Don - someone I was with when I was 18 - it emotionally harmed me. And I do think that some of my love of emotional masochism comes from my experiences with him. I was very timid and felt horrible things about myself after Don. But I think of those times now - and even in the moment of then - I was very turned on. I think it is intention of the other person that can leave me a mess verses hot. But even if I come out on the other side emotionally messed up....it doesn't mean that it isn't hot for me still. I will get into that in the next post more. I just know that even when those things that have broken me to the point of long term repair needed - I still get turned on. I can think about the things Don did to me and feel all sorts of emotions but I am ready to go masturbate about it right now. As I said in my last post - it is a complex contradiction.

Humiliation - Part 1 of 3

I have started and deleted probably about 20 posts on humiliation. I have owed a post to a group of people on LJ for months and months (since June just went and looked). It is the number one question I get asked to blog about also.

I really get turned on by humiliation. I like to feel that hitting my core and hurting me. It turns me on. Why...? I am not sure exactly. And I am not sure I want to know why always either. But it is the question I get the most often - why do I like humiliation?

It is a complex contradiction for me. Using this example....I was an escort who men paid money to be with - it was a big boost to self-image. They would pay money just to be with me. I felt sexy and very desired doing that. I know how Master feels about me and when others express their attraction, I believe it. It embarrasses me. But my point is I believe it...I know some find me desirable. I confident I know how to turn someone on. Again I did get paid to do that. :)

So I can say all that and mean it and believe it...

BUT...

On the other hand I know I am fat. I see the stretch marks and hear the things in my head that say... "you are not desirable. You are fat. You are not sexy - You are fat." I can even twist the escorting things around saying they wanted to see what it was like to be with a big girl...(although I know that isn't true for many of my repeat customers but I can still twist it.) And I can go on and on with the the negatives. And I believe those too.

I believe the good but at the core there are those other things whispered sometimes loudly. And so it is a complex contradiction that makes up me.

So why do I like to have those negatives used against me....

For one I think it is like the person who is saying them can honestly see me and still is here with me. He can admit those dark things said inside me and use it against me - but he isn't walking away because I am fat. It is like that person is seeing the core. We have the good the bad and the ugly and he see the ugly. The parts I don't show to anyone.

Next I am an emotional masochist. I like to suffer and although I like the physical sensation of suffering - I like it often combined with the emotional pain too. I like to be brought to tears and hear and believe the things being said. It is like it is being torn from inside me and pushed in my face to see. It allows me to take those things I think and feel on the inside and see them almost differently or not really differently but out in the light instead of the dark. It lets me at times let go of the things being said. Makes them not so big or bad. Other times it doesn't though - they stay right where they are at - the same feelings and thoughts I have had for a long time and will keep on feeling and thinking them. And all the while I am crying and my feelings are hurt and the ugliness of the words are in my face....I am turned on. I so want to be pushed on my knees and suck his cock or pushed on to my knees and feel my body slamming into that mattress as I am fucked.

I am this way...I don't know if it has to do with my trauma's from my childhood or with Don (a relationship I was in when I was 18 that was heavy SM). I just know it turns me on. And there is a fine line but I am willing to walk it.

Splitting this into 3 posts - next post answering some questions and third post going into walking of fine line of humiliation.

don't go out alone + life update

I don't go anywhere without Master. Now I didn't think most of our vanilla friends really knew that or understood it. I guess I didn't think it was so obvious or so apparent. But something happened that kind of brought home to me that they do notice/know....I was walking out of the post office towards the parked car with Master waiting for me. A friend of ours was coming down the street towards me. He immediately looked for where Master was...knew he must be parked near. And then when we neared he said, "I was going to grab you and see how long it took M to get here but then noticed he was closer then I thought."

I know it is a small thing that probably most wouldn't even notice but I noticed it. I noticed how he looked around for Master and the exchange about grabbing me. He obviously knew I don't go anywhere without Master. And I guess I just didn't know that people were aware of it.

Little update also...
I have been really busy with Thanksgiving, Master's parents were here last weekend and now this week we leave to go to the other side of the state. When we get back I am behind I will be swamped as I am so behind on holiday preparations - getting cards out, presents done and mailed. Our tree isn't even up and won't be until probably Sunday or Monday. That is really late for us.

I am trying to keep Domestic Servitude updated with some holiday gift ideas, recipes and such too.

So as always - making excuses why I am not here posting more. And as always I wish I could as I do miss it often.