Okay so I thought I better get this entry finished up as it will be 2 months after the fact next weekend and then work on the next entries also. Catherine covered Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. Which I have read about in Psych classes as well as and various forums and elists as well as an essay on Internal Enslavement.
I think Maslow's has always been a good way for me to figure out what is a want and what is a need. And so coming back to the Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs did help me understand some things that swirl around in my brain a little better. It is funny how things you have done in the past to help with issues get lost or forgotten and I will say that is probably one of the number one things that weekend gave me. It was remembrance of things I already knew but needed to recall and use again.
Here is a good description of each layer on the pyramid of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs.
So we had to identify needs and what needs that were not being met. We did it for each layer of the pyramid. What I found most interesting for me is the safety needs were the area that had the most issues. And I would have never said that before the retreat. Some of that is left over baggage from past relationships but most of it comes directly from our relationship.
Disclaimer....this does not mean Master is not safe with me. It is not that I fear him or that I am abused. It is not that kind of safety but I can see where that kind of safety falls under this section. If you read the above link you will see what safety needs include, but for the most part my issues come from security in the relationship and stablility for me.
Also because of those issues within the safety section I could see how they bleed into other areas such as the love and belonging.
Often the thoughts that are lead from my safety issues end up being that I could be abandoned or "kicked to the curb" - which lead to maybe I am not good enough and that is why "this" is happening. So that leads to either being totally overwhelmed or I go into hyper drive.
This week one of those issues was touched on and as soon as it was over - first I cried by myself and then I was scrubbing out the fridge and doing things that did not need to get done - but I was doing it because my internal workings went to I am not good enough so I need to try harder. It was several hours later then I recognized what I was doing and slowed down.
I was going to write on the issues but I decided unfortunately it gets into things I am not really wanting to share with the world. Master and I have discussed them. He knows of the issues. I believe it is something we will have to work on continually for some time.
On the pyramid there are Deficit Needs (the bottom layers) and then Being Needs (top layer). The being needs is self-actualization on the pyramid. This part of the pyramid I can really relate to my slavery and service journey.
I believe before Master my journey in SM and M/s - and all that falls in between was more centered on my D-needs rather then my being needs. Even though I thought I was shooting for being needs -- I wasn't getting there and I wasn't getting many of my d-need met either.
Getting to that point was going through all my past baggage and looking at how it affects me and my service....deciding what I could do about it or realizing it did not need to affect me anymore. Whenever I talk about Don, people always seem to tell me they are sorry I went through what I did...and I do appreciate that they care. But I have long since developed another outlook to it - that it made me who I am. He helped me realize who I am --- even if it was in a less then positive experience -- he did help me see -- me the authentic me. So that suffering allowed me to get to the point I am today.
So it was getting more in touch with myself that helped me get to this point in my slavery. It took lots of work and lots of internalizing for me. It was letting go of a lot of things that cluttered my life and wasted my energy and time. Studying Buddhism helped me in a lot of my looking at my past as well as seeing where I wanted to go in the future. Meditation and actual self-help type exercises helped me also. Journaling journaling and more journaling. And last but certainly not least Master helped me --- the most because he slowed me down so that I could focus.
A lot of the factors that go into Maslow's Being Needs...are what I put into my slavery, servirce and surrender actually. I look at things more black and white. I break down our relationship to the black and white. He has power and control and I am to serve and obey. I go through my mental list of is this what he wants? is this according to his will? his ethics, his morals, his needs, his wants? okay then go forward as it is serving and obeying. And that is my reality. I can see my reality more clearly then ever. It is not a roller coaster anymore. It is just simple serve and obey.
Going through each layer Maslow's theory of needs and asking what needs aren't being currently met and how those needs affect my service and slavery to Master was a good exercise and I think it is exercise I should do every once in a while to help access areas I need to create goals in to help me focus and be more aware.
Links to SR posts: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3 Boundaries.
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