Go Get a Drink

Music: Enrique ~ Escape

Wednesday.....

Lets see.....period still playing havoc with my emotions. I stood in the shower this morning thinking of Todd. And just started crying so hard. I could not control the sobs. It was not a good way to start the day let me tell you.

I talked to Nick online today for a little bit. It was not a great conversation. I mean he was good but the topic was one I do not like to talk about at all. I am suppose to call him tomorrow night to discuss it and the email that I sent him a while back.

Kam was laid off on December and because of that money is becoming a little tight. I dipped in to my savings for my Arizona trip to help out with some bills and we are unsure when that money will be back in the savings.....so now I might be having to put off my trip to Arizona. Not something I am happy about AT ALL. If I personally have a good week next week working it might only be a week of delaying which would be fine with me as it would be Nick's Birthday. So that would be cool to be there for that. :)

Tonight a good friend of mine who is Muslim signed online. She had just been the mosque so was in her dress and head covering. She looked SOOO BEAUTIFUL! She showed us, Kam and I, on her web cam.

It was cool her being on the cam and I said to Kam wow...I want a web cam that is so cool to see her right now! He said no in a very serious voice. I said what? I was puzzled. He was like no because I don't want you to be having sex with men on the web cam. UGGGHHHHHHH I said you see how I treat the stupid wannabe men online. I said you really think *I* am going to do that. He said yes. It annoyed me.

I talked to Ray tonight too for the first time in over a week I believe. It was nice to talk to him. I missed him!

I have been writing long emails to Kevin babbling on and on just like I do in my journals lol He said I need to start putting a meaningful subject line lol Pretty much I do not put any subject or put long rambling email. Nick was reading off all the emails he had saved in his inbox from me and lots of them had the same titles - good night email, babbling on and on, long rambling email....so I am not creative with subject lines. LOL

It made me feel good that Nick had save all of them. I had all that I had sent him and he had sent me saved on my last computer. :( I save all my emails from Kevin also. I am a packrat....thinking of all the emails and things I saved....all of Dale's, Kam's, Jackie's, Todd's....out of all those only person's left is Todd's because several we were emailing back and forth on a yahoo account so I have all those still and some I had emailed to that account just to have them all in one place. *sigh*

I am marking easy lately. I was brushing my long hair and it had some knots in it so I was really pulling over them. I had the hair lying on one breast as I brushed over it and over it to get the knots out. The next day I had lots of dotted little bruises. I was in the laundry room today and kind of had the laundry basket propped between my arm and on the inside of my thigh but it started to slide down my thigh so I let it drop. Well, it looks like I have a bruise starting form that.

Intimacy is the thing on my mind lately. I am scared of it and not sure how to get past it. Intimacy is not sex to me but it can be linked to sex. I remember the first time I was with Todd. It was very intimate. He did that purposely though as he knew I had issues with intimacy. I remember the hard crashes the day after seeing him and spending the night with him. I am sure it is because of the intimacy. It was new to me and it was these intimate moments and then he was gone. And I felt very lost and alone.

I am worried how that will affect Nick and me - my intimacy issues.

He knows they are there and we have talked about them some....even talked about them today - as linked with another issue I have...my weight.

Stopped writing to go look at site that wow....made my stomach turn.

Going to post this and go get a drink lol....

peace,
danae