Kevin

Music: Vertical Horizon

I have not wrote in a while here.

I have been going through lots of things that I did not want to put here until I talked to Nick about them.

I talked to him about some of them and he did not seem thrilled but not totally ready to give up on me.

Friday was busy with some work things so I ended up not being able to go to a submissive meeting that I wanted to go to. When I got home from work. I signed online and chatted with Kevin. Someone I have not named here but talked about. And I am sure I will talk about more. He and I had a long talk about lots of different things.

One thing we talked about was that I seek some extreme things and that I should not always choose those things but instead chose things that are healthier for me. And I know this.....there are things that I worry that Sir Nick might not give me - such as some dark desires - but long term I feel he will. He is patient and guiding - very subtly. He does not get scared of me.....the things I say - emotions - and what not. Kevin keeps driving home that I need to be wise in my decisions and clear on what I want. I feel I know what I want.

I am a Libra. I have opposite ends of the scale. I want love and tenderness and I want to feel fear and roughness. I thought I had to live in one side of the scale or the other. But then I learned that I could have things from both sides of the scales. That I can have love and I can have roughness. I can pick and chose to make the life of I need. The problem comes finding someone that has the same compatibility. I do not think that everyone will meet all my needs but I want someone that will meet a lot of them so that I don't feel unsatisfied with my life.

That is where the "rub" as Kevin calls it comes in play. When those things are not satisfied. He said one of 3 things could be done 1) Ignore those unfulfilled needs. 2) Fulfill those needs by lying to my partner and going behind his back. 3) Find a partner who will support me fulfilling them elsewhere. Number 1 is not healthy and will eventually cause the end or at least a lot of unhappiness. Number 2 is not for me as I am just not good at...lying is not me. As Kevin said "Dishonesty isn't your nature." Number 3 he says might still be a possibility with Nick.

Nick and I kind of talked about it on the phone on Saturday night. The things I had to tell Nick seemed to go okay but he was more thrown then he ever has been in one of our conversations. I mean he was calms still like usual but I could hear the hesitation in his voice.

Kevin feels I am thinking I can chose option 1 but feel those dark desires bubble up and then wonder if I am going to be able to resist giving them over to the person that sparks them. Such as him.

Which I told Nick on Saturday that Kevin does. So that was hard to talk about. He handled it well again. But there was a little tension.

Saturday - is when I talked to Nick. Kam and I did a few things and then he left for Columbus. And then I got ready to leave for Columbus on Sunday morning. We were going there for a Super Bowl Party.

Saturday I got a chance to talk to Kevin. We had interesting conversations as usual. He gets me.

One day he and I were having a conversation....*looking back in logs to get it right* It was about a webcam. I have issues with my pictures (explicit pictures) being taken. And he had said something about it, which sparked a memory with Sir Nick. A conversation I had with Nick. And Kevin said something and it upset me. And so I asked him what I was crying about because I did not think he got it at all and with the information provided to him I am still not sure how he got it....he said to me: "You are upset because you think I am unfairly thinking you aren't being honest. You hate to disappoint me, but it really upsets you when you feel it wasn't your fault and that you didn't do anything wrong." He got it. How did he get it? I still am not sure.

I was in tears and then I saw his answer and I laughed because I was so surprised he GOT IT.

I still am very devoted to Sir Nick and still feel HE is my future. Kevin is giving me lots to think about and reminds me of things that I have inside me that I try to push away.

Sir Nick on Saturday talked about his career lots and the direction is might go....which un-nerved me a little bit for various reasons...one where he might end up is FAR away. And not sure how that would affect us. So that made me very sad on Saturday night.

Sunday - A friend of Kam and mine came and picked up me and Mara and then we went to Columbus. We were suppose to meet other people but not vary many showed up. Our friend and I went to lunch by ourselves. It was the first time he and I really had one on one time. It was nice to get to know him better. We then came back to the hotel and got ready to go the party. The party was okay. I was extremely tried after getting about an average of 3 hours sleep every night the last week.

Monday - We came home - it was snowing very badly. The wind is what was worse then the snow. It was not icy just windy. I took a nap and then talked to Kevin last evening again.

Tuesday - Been a weird day. I feel like I am getting a cold. I talked to Di today. Her divorce is final. So that must be odd for her. She has been going through a rough time but it feels like she has been closing me out...but today she did call. That is good :) I miss her.

I miss Jackie too....but not sure that is a good thing. Ironic thing is that Kam chatted with her online today. She messaged him pretending to be someone else. And he had red flags right away and then told it to me and within 15 mins of him telling me I confirmed his suspicions.

I remember I time when I lived online as a different person. Not a time I am proud of at all. But I was very good at it and so now I am know ALL the signs. Just like another person that Kam talked with a few years ago. I *right away* had red flags about her. And 2 years later she confessed. But that is mostly because I had - had it and so I wrote her a long email basically calling her on the things I felt were off. Those things happened with Jackie too actually red flags. Only with her.....I thought I saw the real person finally and fell in love with her.

The other night I told Kevin about Morgan. It was good conversation though. I mean it felt good talking about her. I miss her but of course her Birthday is coming up....Feb. 14th.

Sitting here staring at the screen. I guess I will post this and then write more later if the urge strikes me.

peace,
danae


edit 6/17/09: Later (like a month after that Kevin was most likely actually Todd. I was 95% positive.