self-destructive

Right now I am tired. Really tired but also not feeling well.

Nick and I talked for about 2 hours on the phone Monday night. I had written him an email on the 8th and he had not read it yet on Monday evening. He was leaving to go out of town and is not going to be back in town until Saturday. And he said he would read it and call me on Sunday.

It gets hard to wait with him. I wonder about things such as if he will have time for me.....since he has not had time to read an email that I sent on Friday and it is now Tuesday. And by the time we discuss it a week will have went by.

It seemed that this past weekend was fights/disagreements were had with everyone.....Kam, Mistress DM, Ray and not that I had a fight with Kevin but I did something I was not suppose to. Friday night I was suppose to go to the informal but just did not feel like it after the fight with Kam. And then Saturday I went out....I was really out of it though most of the night. Felt groggy almost. Sunday can't even remember what I did during the day but then that is when I did something to wrong with Kevin. I did not sleep and was so upset about it that I made myself sick. On Monday day our conversation about what happened did not go good but by the end of the day we seemed to understand what happened and were on the same page. He is very patient with me.

Just to let everyone know who has been asking....I am not breaking things off with Nick. And I do not see Kevin as someone long term. He does not view himself that way either. He just feels he can help me right now. And I agree.

Work has not been that bad but not fantastic. I have been working more....instead of just managing things. So that has been kind of strange but good.

I am not sure what is going on with me but I am going from being very happy to being very sad. Maybe it is just pms. I want to cry and just go to sleep. Everything inside hurts. And just earlier today everything was good. I was in a good mood and thinking of good things. And it is just so strange. I am on roller coaster.

I feel like on that edge to do something self-destructive almost.

Okay weird journal entry......

I hope tomorrow feels different....

peace,
danae