danae

The weekend was grand again… : )

I really am so very happy Master found me…and made me His willing captive. It amazes me everyday how much I learn with Him. How each day I grow more and more at peace. And more and more happy too. It is amazing to have someone that I mesh with so much on so many levels. I feel calm, safe and happy with Him…I have a real Master now. Not sure if the real makes sense to most, but I had not known what it really was about until Master. And when I met Him it all clicked into place and I * knew*. It was a knowing that only a person that goes through this I think can experience. It just is like all the little mechanisms inside me clicked in place and I saw light for the first time. I saw truth for the first time. I saw peace. Peace is Master. Master is Home.

Okay I will stop babbling about my enlightenment even though it is a topic dear and near to my heart.

So here is a ramble about the weekend and more….

Friday I had another migraine. Not sure what is up with them. Those few, last week, were the first I have had since being here. That is really good for me – that I have not had hardly any since being here! But I am not sure why now I am getting migraines…now.

Anyway, because I had the headache that I was still trying to fight off Master told me not to work as much. And I always have problems when I don’t feel I am doing as much as I should be doing. Master works 8 hours a day…and I feel like I should be working 8 hours a day. So when I sit down to do “me” things….such as write, read, work on a website, watch trading spaces, I often feel tremendous amounts of guilt. And many of those things help me mentally.

I know Master is allowing those times so it is what HE wants. And I am really enjoying serving Him this way. Not sure how to word this exactly…If I was not happy doing what I am here at home, then Master would not be happy. In this relationship – it is about me pleasing Him and I do. He takes what He wants from me. He makes me give Him what He wants. He enjoys the benefits of my service. But if I was not enjoying it, things would change until we were both satisfied. Now I am not saying that if I don’t want to be locked in the cage Master is going to go “oh okay dear then I won’t” - lol – sorry sounds very funny in my head. He is not going to do that, but He is going to be aware of on going issues of being unhappy or unsatisfied in my life as His slave.

Master and I are not struggling right now financially. If I was not happy by not working outside the home…if I was not being productive and valuing my time and purpose of being at home, then I know He would change things. But right now He likes that I am home and I am enjoying it more then I thought I would so things are staying this way right now. He likes that I am working on keeping His home organized, clean, and happy. He likes that because I am not working He comes home to me dressed up very girly girl and/or slutty to please Him. He likes that He can come home at anytime and know I am here to use and abuse. He likes that He has a hot meal on the dinner table shortly after He gets home because I am not working. He likes that I make things and do things especially for Him that would not be possible if I was working outside His home. So He wants this, but I still feel guilty when I have me time or He spends money on me.

I think of His cats…He cares for His cats. He plays with them, gives them attention, and feeds them…He worries if they are sick or not acting just right. He wants His cats to have a good life. Master wants me to flourish in this life He gives me. He wants to see that what He gives me, what He allows me, what He has me do to serve and please Him is used for my development and delight.

I know we are in a power exchange. It does not mean I need to be working and miserable 24/7 to be a “good” servant. I really do enjoy cleaning and making Master’s home a nice place. It makes me feel good to do that. I get gratification out of it. But I also need those “me” times. And I enjoy them. Master wants me to be happy. And those me things as well as serving and pleasing Him make me happy. It helps our power exchange. It helps keep that other shoe tied on and make our quality of life together better.

I read somewhere once – not sure where it was sorry – that the quality of a relationship is based on the increased satisfaction of both partners – no matter if in a power exchange or not. If one person is not happy or both, that decreases the quality of the relationship.

So even stating all that…knowing I am doing what Master wishes and I should accept that being here working at home, using the me time He gives me are things He wants. It increases my value to Him. My service to Him is increased by my growth as a person inward and outward. But it does not stop the guilt. Not sure how to let go of that…

I go through these phases…I just feel like I need to keep giving and giving – I worry that won’t please Him enough. I worry that I won’t get something right or the way He wants and He will not “accept” or love me. My insecurities flare up and run through me like a hurricane on the loose. In those times my guilt is especially close to the surface.

But then…the peaceful moments…where everything inside quiets down…

I can sit in my calm moments of clarity and see that He loves me. And know that He knows I am doing my best I can right now and that each day I am able to give Him more and more of myself. He believes this is a path and there are steps. He does not “expect” me to surrender everything right away. He knows that my heart wants to give Him everything. Master has been patient and understanding.

I suppose I should stop babbling on this subject…as I am starting to talk in circles.

Friday night Master and I hung out online. He chatted with some friends as I answered emails, posted pictures, and caught up on a few bloggers. Master and I discussed all sorts of things while we were in the office together. It is nice to sit next to each other and work on separate things, but still be able to talk to each other. Quills was on and we chatted about it, then we talked about music. He was looking through all the music I have on my computer. Master was having insomnia. So, He decided we would do our weekly grocery shopping at 1am in the morning. I did a menu and grocery list…which I was having problems with my menu this time, but got it done.

So we got home about 2am and put everything away….before heading to bed.

Saturday morning Master woke me up…we played and had sex (mmmm) before getting ready to go to the Art and Jazz Festival. The Festival was nice, but I have to keep in mind – that I am now living in a smaller town then Cleveland. We had a nice time even though there was not much there. Master said it was smaller this year then it normally. We both looked at the art on display. And I tried to encourage Master to be thinking of selling His photography.

After the festival Master and I ran some errands….including a trip to Home Depot. I can’t even remember at this time why we went there, but Master ended up making this girl mushy and fuzzy. All He did was take a hold of my wrist and led me around by my wrist. And it made me very fuzzy. He would tug, hold tightly, and steer me by it. It made me feel very controlled.

Master ended up keeping me in a fuzzy state for 5 hours. He during the 5 hours He had several things happening to me on and off during that time. He cuffed, chained, and had the ball gag harness on me. He fingered me, put me in the cage and I know other things, but I was so out of it I don’t even remember all that He did to me. During this time, Honey called and she was very understanding when I told her I was a little busy. So she called back on Sunday.

Master did so well with me…He built me up. He teased and teased until I was begging for Him to fuck me. And all this started with…was just the holding my wrist. But of course He just kept adding to it…pushing me further each step.

It was incredible…I am very lucky to have such a GREAT Master!

On Sunday it was mostly a lazy day. We started our day with playing and sex. Always a nice way to start the day with Master. And after that we did the little work – the only work really that we did all day – we pulled weeds. Master really pulled more then I did. After that we called our Father’s for Father’s Day.

Master announced after we pulled weeds, that we were going to get a paper. I had a moment of panic, as I looked horrible…totally non-girly girl. We got up and threw clothes on and went outside to pulled weeds. I pulled my hair up in a pony tail, threw on a oversized t-shirt, and…here are the 2 things that people don’t get to see me in that…I put on…shorts and keds. I don’t hardly ever wear shorts or keds. There are rare moments, but really I hate shorts and tennis shoes. I just don’t like them on me. I don’t feel comfortable in them. So He announced that and I panicked, but then He told me I was just along for the ride. Thank Gawd! But it was still a little un-nerving thinking of people might see me like that lol - so He got some humiliation in without even really trying...or maybe He knew that. lol

We took it pretty easy on Sunday. We just hung out with each other. Took our shower together, watched TV together, took a nap together and hung out with each other all day. It was great. : )

So that was my weekend and now we are heading into Thursday of this week…with another weekend on the way. :)