Of course right now I could write and write and write - - but I don't have ANY time right now. We are almost ready to head out of town.
Master and I are heading over to His parents as one of Master's nieces has graduation and then another has a birthday. Then we are heading to Santa Fe for a few days. We have some free night stays to redeem. I had told Master that I have had dreams of Santa Fe. I have never been there but something about Santa Fe keep showing up in my dreams and it feels like one of those places I *need* to go. And so Master is taking me there!
Then after all that Master has some work out of town also so he will take care of that before we head back to Western Colorado.
I am looking forward to the time in Santa Fe and even more excited that I am going to share this time with Master!
I know we will have some internet access but I really am not a fan of typing at the laptop so not sure how much or even if I will update until we get back.
So I am off....to have a wonderful time with Master!
Friday, May 28, 2004
Wednesday, May 26, 2004
Monday, May 24, 2004
Dependency
I started this post several weeks ago but kind of forgot about it. But finally got back to it today.
A long while back Master wrote and entry titled Death or something like it. It was looking at that awful question of what-if something happened to him.
When I moved to be with him, all the money I had was handed over to Him. I did not have a bank account anymore. The debts I have are hardly anything. And my car was completely paid for. I had books, jewelry, art supplies, and some furniture but not a lot worth value except to me. All of that became Master’s. My car at the moment is in my name, but Master has been thinking of selling it - as it has sat in his driveway for a year. So there is real no need for it. Anyway, if Master decides to do that – the car will be signed over to him and the money coming from the car will be going into his bank account.
Right now my name is not on any bill, mortgage, bank account or anything else. I don’t own anything in my eyes – even though the car is in my name at this time.
I don’t handle money at all really here. If Master wants me to run in to get something, He give me money as close to it and then sends me in and as soon as I come out the change goes right to him. If I need anything –birthday gifts for family, person stuff like tampons, something for the household, absolutely anything, I have to ask for it and then he will either get it for me or not.
So that makes me completely dependent on my Master.
And I have come to the conclusion…so what.
I went into a consensual relationship. I knew it would be this way. Master is going to be doing some things to help with the what-ifs so that if something were to happen I will have something to get back on my feet.
The days of complete and total dependency went out a long time ago. But the difference I see between me and those women of the past that were dependent is choice. I had a choice. It was my choice to go into this relationship. I knew it would be this way and I more importantly I am glad it is this way. I want to be my Master’s property. And I am. It is not a relationship for everyone. But it is what I have yearned for and makes me the most at peace. And I am happy and feel finally like I am the person I have striven to be.
Just because I am dependent on Master does not mean I have lost my brain, that I can’t think, that I don’t have strength and courage.
And if something were to happen I could pick myself up and go on and probably because of the relationship I have had with Master… I am stronger. It is not an easy task at times to be enslaved and it in its own way has made me strong. Of course I would be devastated and hurt. But I would be able to survive just like anyone else losing someone. I worked before and even owned 2 business in the past. I have been very successful in the things I have done. I am not incapable of running my life just because I chose to hand my life over to my Master.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Also I have been meaning to post this link from kaylee. It is an essay on Autonomy and it is very good. If you want to read more of her essay's check out Sanctuary of Slave Musings
A long while back Master wrote and entry titled Death or something like it. It was looking at that awful question of what-if something happened to him.
When I moved to be with him, all the money I had was handed over to Him. I did not have a bank account anymore. The debts I have are hardly anything. And my car was completely paid for. I had books, jewelry, art supplies, and some furniture but not a lot worth value except to me. All of that became Master’s. My car at the moment is in my name, but Master has been thinking of selling it - as it has sat in his driveway for a year. So there is real no need for it. Anyway, if Master decides to do that – the car will be signed over to him and the money coming from the car will be going into his bank account.
Right now my name is not on any bill, mortgage, bank account or anything else. I don’t own anything in my eyes – even though the car is in my name at this time.
I don’t handle money at all really here. If Master wants me to run in to get something, He give me money as close to it and then sends me in and as soon as I come out the change goes right to him. If I need anything –birthday gifts for family, person stuff like tampons, something for the household, absolutely anything, I have to ask for it and then he will either get it for me or not.
So that makes me completely dependent on my Master.
And I have come to the conclusion…so what.
I went into a consensual relationship. I knew it would be this way. Master is going to be doing some things to help with the what-ifs so that if something were to happen I will have something to get back on my feet.
The days of complete and total dependency went out a long time ago. But the difference I see between me and those women of the past that were dependent is choice. I had a choice. It was my choice to go into this relationship. I knew it would be this way and I more importantly I am glad it is this way. I want to be my Master’s property. And I am. It is not a relationship for everyone. But it is what I have yearned for and makes me the most at peace. And I am happy and feel finally like I am the person I have striven to be.
Just because I am dependent on Master does not mean I have lost my brain, that I can’t think, that I don’t have strength and courage.
And if something were to happen I could pick myself up and go on and probably because of the relationship I have had with Master… I am stronger. It is not an easy task at times to be enslaved and it in its own way has made me strong. Of course I would be devastated and hurt. But I would be able to survive just like anyone else losing someone. I worked before and even owned 2 business in the past. I have been very successful in the things I have done. I am not incapable of running my life just because I chose to hand my life over to my Master.
Also I have been meaning to post this link from kaylee. It is an essay on Autonomy and it is very good. If you want to read more of her essay's check out Sanctuary of Slave Musings
Sunday, May 23, 2004
PMS - Sunrise/Sunset - Pizza - Website
PMS
Well I have to be PMSing as my emotions are all over the place. I am crying at the drop of a hat. And this months PMS seems bad because I am having problems keeping my mouth shut and so much is grating on my nerves. My emotions are pouring out all over the place. I feel like I have lots of emotions pent up....and they can't be contained anymore.
So this weekend the emotions are spilling out.
Of course lack of sleep might be the cause also. I have not been sleeping well for a while now and then add in our early early early Saturday morning trip.
Sunrise and Sunset
Master and I started our day watching the sun rise and ended it by watching it set. That was very nice!
Master and I got up a little after 2:30am (after I went to bed at 1am) and headed to a waterfall about 2 hours away from us. It was so beautiful. Master wanted that early morning light for the waterfall. After spending time there we headed home and crawled into bed. Then this evening we went out to drop a card in the mail. And then headed out to watch the sun set - and Master took some more pictures. Both sunrise and sunset were beautiful. It was nice to see.
Pizza
Lisa posted about pizza on her blog. It must have been a homemade pizza weekend as that is what I made on Friday also. I made crust from throwing ingredients into my bread maker. The dough was very yummy. It rolled out so nice. Master really enjoyed the the pizza. I think the only thing I did not like is that it was not rolled out very evenly because I did not have a rolling pin and was using a jar But next time will be different as Master bought me a rolling pin on our weekly grocery trip.
Lisa asks about dream pizza....what would you have on your dream pizza. I am not sure I really do enjoy pizza. I guess I would like light tomato sauce, spices like basil and garlic. I would put lots of red bell pepper strips. A combo of white cheeses like mozzarella (fresh would even be better), romano, and parmesan. And then maybe add some sausage.
But I also like...Pizza Marguerite which is just some olive oil light spread over the crust, basil, mozzarella cheese, thinly sliced Roma tomatoes
Or...
pesto sauce, then topped with some sun-dried tomatoes and shrimp and mozzarella cheese. I had also thought some kind of other cheese like feta or even edam that have a more distinct taste might be good too.
Also...
a little light white sauce like alfredo, some chicken, and red bell pepper strips. I am sure spinach would be good on it but I don't like cooked spinach. I like it leafy in a salad but not cooked.
Here are a few Pizza Websites....
Pizza Recipes
Ultimate Pizza
Epicurious - Pizza
Our website
When I started getting things together to put on it, I pulled out everything that was on my old website. It contained many writings that were done in the late 90's. And I debated weather or not to put them up at all. It was hard for me to put the older stuff on the site. I would read them over and it did not even sound like me now. I have changed and grown over the years. My thoughts and beliefs have changed. Some of the stuff I wrote about then, I don't even believe in now. Such as in one of the stories I write about the Gift of Submission. Ugggh that makes me want to throw up just reading that I wrote about that. Gag! I don't believe submission is a gift. And I thought that it was once upon a time. So glad I got over that! Anyway, my point is I decided to post all of it - even if I did not agree with it now. The reason....well it is a part of my experiences. It is a part of me. And the website is to just kind of show who Master and I are....if anyone sees another view or gets something from it great. If not, at least they will have gotten to know us a little bit. And see how we have grown and changed.
Well I have to be PMSing as my emotions are all over the place. I am crying at the drop of a hat. And this months PMS seems bad because I am having problems keeping my mouth shut and so much is grating on my nerves. My emotions are pouring out all over the place. I feel like I have lots of emotions pent up....and they can't be contained anymore.
So this weekend the emotions are spilling out.
Of course lack of sleep might be the cause also. I have not been sleeping well for a while now and then add in our early early early Saturday morning trip.
Sunrise and Sunset
Master and I started our day watching the sun rise and ended it by watching it set. That was very nice!
Master and I got up a little after 2:30am (after I went to bed at 1am) and headed to a waterfall about 2 hours away from us. It was so beautiful. Master wanted that early morning light for the waterfall. After spending time there we headed home and crawled into bed. Then this evening we went out to drop a card in the mail. And then headed out to watch the sun set - and Master took some more pictures. Both sunrise and sunset were beautiful. It was nice to see.
Pizza
Lisa posted about pizza on her blog. It must have been a homemade pizza weekend as that is what I made on Friday also. I made crust from throwing ingredients into my bread maker. The dough was very yummy. It rolled out so nice. Master really enjoyed the the pizza. I think the only thing I did not like is that it was not rolled out very evenly because I did not have a rolling pin and was using a jar But next time will be different as Master bought me a rolling pin on our weekly grocery trip.
Lisa asks about dream pizza....what would you have on your dream pizza. I am not sure I really do enjoy pizza. I guess I would like light tomato sauce, spices like basil and garlic. I would put lots of red bell pepper strips. A combo of white cheeses like mozzarella (fresh would even be better), romano, and parmesan. And then maybe add some sausage.
But I also like...Pizza Marguerite which is just some olive oil light spread over the crust, basil, mozzarella cheese, thinly sliced Roma tomatoes
Or...
pesto sauce, then topped with some sun-dried tomatoes and shrimp and mozzarella cheese. I had also thought some kind of other cheese like feta or even edam that have a more distinct taste might be good too.
Also...
a little light white sauce like alfredo, some chicken, and red bell pepper strips. I am sure spinach would be good on it but I don't like cooked spinach. I like it leafy in a salad but not cooked.
Here are a few Pizza Websites....
Pizza Recipes
Ultimate Pizza
Epicurious - Pizza
Our website
When I started getting things together to put on it, I pulled out everything that was on my old website. It contained many writings that were done in the late 90's. And I debated weather or not to put them up at all. It was hard for me to put the older stuff on the site. I would read them over and it did not even sound like me now. I have changed and grown over the years. My thoughts and beliefs have changed. Some of the stuff I wrote about then, I don't even believe in now. Such as in one of the stories I write about the Gift of Submission. Ugggh that makes me want to throw up just reading that I wrote about that. Gag! I don't believe submission is a gift. And I thought that it was once upon a time. So glad I got over that! Anyway, my point is I decided to post all of it - even if I did not agree with it now. The reason....well it is a part of my experiences. It is a part of me. And the website is to just kind of show who Master and I are....if anyone sees another view or gets something from it great. If not, at least they will have gotten to know us a little bit. And see how we have grown and changed.
Thursday, May 20, 2004
Trust in M/s relationships
A few lists I am on have talked about trust in M/s relationships lately.....
So here are some my thoughts...
I don't think that trust is deeper or more complete in an M/s relationship vs.......... D/s vs Vanilla vs Top/bottom vs any other dynamic. I think trust is what you make it. If you go in wanting to trust and get to know the other person then I think the trust level will grow no matter if you are in an M/s or vanilla. I have heard we have to open ourselves up more in an M/s then other relationships - again I disagree. We open up if we are willing. I know M/s couples who don't trust each other and have very shallow interactions with each other. And I know vanilla couples who have inspired me. They have had a bond that was deeper then some M/s relationships I have witnessed.
So to me trust in a relationship is what the couple makes it. It can be deep and complete or shallow and fragmented no matter what the dynamic.
Next line of thinking...
I don't think you need trust to be enslaved.
My example is from my own life - when I started my relationship with Don, I did not trust him. And I thought it was just going to be a one night stand - nothing more to the relationship then that. But it ended up being more and ended with me being enslaved by him. I did not trust him through the whole relationship. I look back in fondness at the beginning of our relationship, but I still had did not trust him even though I was compelled to serve him.
Now that being said....I am glad that I have trust in my current relationship with Master. I think trust comes with time. If you are going to be build a long term relationship, it is a process and part of that process is seeing who the person is and getting to know them. That knowledge is better then trust.
I also feel until you are able to trust yourself you won't be able to trust another. And also....once you trust yourself...you allow yourself to open up and get to know the other person.
I can look back in past relationships and see that I wanted so much to trust that I did not even look to see what the person was like...I just jumped into trusting without ever knowing. I wanted to be owned and I kept hearing you need to trust your Master. So I trusted before I got to know the person. And did not even find out if we were compatible.
With Master I saw who he was - I saw all the little things that happen in the world - I saw how he treats others, I saw his views on the world and people around him, I saw his ethics, I got to know his dislikes and likes. I got to know how we would mesh in our beliefs. And those things are what showed me we were compatible it had nothing to do with trust.
So here are some my thoughts...
I don't think that trust is deeper or more complete in an M/s relationship vs.......... D/s vs Vanilla vs Top/bottom vs any other dynamic. I think trust is what you make it. If you go in wanting to trust and get to know the other person then I think the trust level will grow no matter if you are in an M/s or vanilla. I have heard we have to open ourselves up more in an M/s then other relationships - again I disagree. We open up if we are willing. I know M/s couples who don't trust each other and have very shallow interactions with each other. And I know vanilla couples who have inspired me. They have had a bond that was deeper then some M/s relationships I have witnessed.
So to me trust in a relationship is what the couple makes it. It can be deep and complete or shallow and fragmented no matter what the dynamic.
Next line of thinking...
I don't think you need trust to be enslaved.
My example is from my own life - when I started my relationship with Don, I did not trust him. And I thought it was just going to be a one night stand - nothing more to the relationship then that. But it ended up being more and ended with me being enslaved by him. I did not trust him through the whole relationship. I look back in fondness at the beginning of our relationship, but I still had did not trust him even though I was compelled to serve him.
Now that being said....I am glad that I have trust in my current relationship with Master. I think trust comes with time. If you are going to be build a long term relationship, it is a process and part of that process is seeing who the person is and getting to know them. That knowledge is better then trust.
I also feel until you are able to trust yourself you won't be able to trust another. And also....once you trust yourself...you allow yourself to open up and get to know the other person.
I can look back in past relationships and see that I wanted so much to trust that I did not even look to see what the person was like...I just jumped into trusting without ever knowing. I wanted to be owned and I kept hearing you need to trust your Master. So I trusted before I got to know the person. And did not even find out if we were compatible.
With Master I saw who he was - I saw all the little things that happen in the world - I saw how he treats others, I saw his views on the world and people around him, I saw his ethics, I got to know his dislikes and likes. I got to know how we would mesh in our beliefs. And those things are what showed me we were compatible it had nothing to do with trust.
Wednesday, May 19, 2004
Free Online Class by Gloria Brame
This is a free onlnie class being offered by Gloria Brame - This course is a basic guide to gourmet sex. From the exotic mysticism of Tantric sexual technique, to fetish fashions, role-play, bondage, and even three-way sex, this course teaches you how to explore the kinkier edges of sex safely. The course pays special attention to a vast array of sensual enhancements that even the most nervous novice will be comfortable incorporating in their sex lives. This course is for all consenting adults who wish to improve and enhance their intimate lives by exploring spicy sexual variations for their mutual pleasure, couples who are curious about the more adventurous aspects of partnered sex, singles who wish to expand their erotic repertoire, and any adult who is striving for a richer and more enlightened understanding of the sensual arts.
You have to register to see any of the information about the class.
You have to register to see any of the information about the class.
Tuesday, May 18, 2004
Buzzy Blue Buddy Obit
Okay yesterday I posted about my vibrator kicking the bucket and so tonight Master jokingly put together an obit....so here it is....
It's with heavy heart and conscience that we mourn the passing of danae's beloved buzzy blue buddy.. Services were held in a private location attended by only close family members.. buddy was only 8 months old and is survived by his siblings: Eggy, the remote controlled buzzy buddy, pinkie - the bigger, somewhat uninspired sister to buddy and a long line of other extended insertables..
Although the continued outpouring of concern and support warms the family, they do request that no donations be made at this time.. Some have said that buddy was a-head of his time, others that held onto buddy would say he was a special attachment, who had a special function, for a special place, and became extra special to danae's ....
heart..
We'd like to thank all of you for your continued support during this incredible trying time.. May the blessings of other buddies out there - get fresh batteries, and a clean anti-bacterial sheet from other careful and considerate owners...
"We love you buzzy blue buddy!!"
Thank you,
Michael and danae
It's with heavy heart and conscience that we mourn the passing of danae's beloved buzzy blue buddy.. Services were held in a private location attended by only close family members.. buddy was only 8 months old and is survived by his siblings: Eggy, the remote controlled buzzy buddy, pinkie - the bigger, somewhat uninspired sister to buddy and a long line of other extended insertables..
Although the continued outpouring of concern and support warms the family, they do request that no donations be made at this time.. Some have said that buddy was a-head of his time, others that held onto buddy would say he was a special attachment, who had a special function, for a special place, and became extra special to danae's ....
heart..
We'd like to thank all of you for your continued support during this incredible trying time.. May the blessings of other buddies out there - get fresh batteries, and a clean anti-bacterial sheet from other careful and considerate owners...
"We love you buzzy blue buddy!!"
Thank you,
Michael and danae
The Market Place Series
They are such good books. You know when an author weaves together such details that make you wish it were real...do you know that type of book? Well I think Laura Antoniou does just that. She makes me wish that it was real.
I read a couple of the Gor books, but I just could not get into them like I could with Laura’s books – they were kind of flat for me. I have read quotes and excerpts, that I like but the books did not grab my attention like Laura's books. I also read the Anne Rice Beauty Series. And they were enjoyable entertainment. They were masturbational fodder for sure! They are an erotic fairy tale - where Laura’s books make you want them to be real.
As I posted over at Grumbler’s Chris Parker is oh so yummy in both the Dominant role and the submissive. But of course mostly I think about him in a Dominant role. (Which makes me want to read The Slave again.)
Laura is going to be at Thunder this summer and I look forward to hearing her speak again. I had the pleasure of meeting her when I lived in Cleveland. SMART booked her to speak. And a friend and I went to pick her up at the airport, got to have dinner with her before meeting…..Oh and she used my purple pen to sign all the books that night. Everyone joked that I put it in a shrine. I did not put it in a shrine, but I do have to say it has hardly ever been used since then.
I was thinking of her books because of a post on another blog. Now I need to read The Slave again.
I read a couple of the Gor books, but I just could not get into them like I could with Laura’s books – they were kind of flat for me. I have read quotes and excerpts, that I like but the books did not grab my attention like Laura's books. I also read the Anne Rice Beauty Series. And they were enjoyable entertainment. They were masturbational fodder for sure! They are an erotic fairy tale - where Laura’s books make you want them to be real.
As I posted over at Grumbler’s Chris Parker is oh so yummy in both the Dominant role and the submissive. But of course mostly I think about him in a Dominant role. (Which makes me want to read The Slave again.)
Laura is going to be at Thunder this summer and I look forward to hearing her speak again. I had the pleasure of meeting her when I lived in Cleveland. SMART booked her to speak. And a friend and I went to pick her up at the airport, got to have dinner with her before meeting…..Oh and she used my purple pen to sign all the books that night. Everyone joked that I put it in a shrine. I did not put it in a shrine, but I do have to say it has hardly ever been used since then.
I was thinking of her books because of a post on another blog. Now I need to read The Slave again.
Monday, May 17, 2004
Just some odds-n-ends
Weekend - Our weekend was pretty slow. We just hung out here mostly, which was nice since the weekend before we were in Denver. Next weekend I know we will be getting up really early to so Master can take some early morning pictures at a waterfall. That will be cool!
Angel - Angel ends this week. I am not looking forward to it ending. I was just starting to get back into it - since Buffy is not on anymore. I think I am in denial that it is ending. I have not thought about it much until today...when I was looking over our schedule.
Tonight I was watching Conversations with Dead People from Buffy season 7 (pvr'd from fx). Anyway, Master asks who Buffy is fighting. And I was like I don't know. And then I looked and saw it was Knox from Angel Season 5. I have seen Conversations with Dead People several times since Angel Season 5 started and never noticed that was Knox. I do watch other shows and notice people from Angel and Buffy. Like you can see Jasmine (Gina Torres) in The Matrix Reloaded. Amy Acker is in Catch Me if You Can. (Master noticed that yesterday.) And Julie Benz starred in I think a Hallmark movie recently though I did not see it....I kept seeing commercials for it. I saw someone else recently but it is escaping me at the moment.
Baking - I think it is going to be a baking week. I am going to make Cinnamon Brownies for Master's work. And then I made Wheat Bread today but I know we will go through that probably in the next day or two so I will be making another loaf of bread. Plus on Friday I want to make homemade pizza so I need to do the dough for that. And then I also want to try to make some spice cookies as I want to bring them the next time we go to Master's parents. I am going to bring them a loaf of Focaccia when we go the next time too.
Lithium Picnic - Oh yum. I know I have put this link up before but really I just can't get enough of his photography. I think his photos are scrumptious. They make me want to have an orgasm!
Hair - Master had told me I can have purple hair. But really I want purple streaks. But He is thinking of just having me change the color in general. I suggested a color I once had which is more burgundy. So I guess we will see. I will probably need to color my hair again before we head over to Denver the next time.
My Vibrator - Well my vibrator kicked the bucket. I was masturbating last night and it just stopped. It had new batteries and everything so that was not it. Master looked at it this morning. He tried to fix it, but alas he could not revive it. I could not bare to throw it out so it is sitting on the nightstand so I guess I have not called time of death on it yet.
So a few words for my buzzy blue buddy. It was a really good vibrator - which was not all that expensive. I loved how it could go from very light buzz to fast and furious buzz....oh yum yum oh so good. I just wish it would have lasted longer - I did not even have it a year. And other vibrators in my past have been used more frequently then this one and lasted longer. I loved that this one was really umm powerful and only required 2 AA batteries. Really I have never had a vibrator like it that was so yummy as my buzzy blue buddy. I had 7 wonderful orgasms from it on Saturday. Oh how I am going to miss it!
Angel - Angel ends this week. I am not looking forward to it ending. I was just starting to get back into it - since Buffy is not on anymore. I think I am in denial that it is ending. I have not thought about it much until today...when I was looking over our schedule.
Tonight I was watching Conversations with Dead People from Buffy season 7 (pvr'd from fx). Anyway, Master asks who Buffy is fighting. And I was like I don't know. And then I looked and saw it was Knox from Angel Season 5. I have seen Conversations with Dead People several times since Angel Season 5 started and never noticed that was Knox. I do watch other shows and notice people from Angel and Buffy. Like you can see Jasmine (Gina Torres) in The Matrix Reloaded. Amy Acker is in Catch Me if You Can. (Master noticed that yesterday.) And Julie Benz starred in I think a Hallmark movie recently though I did not see it....I kept seeing commercials for it. I saw someone else recently but it is escaping me at the moment.
Baking - I think it is going to be a baking week. I am going to make Cinnamon Brownies for Master's work. And then I made Wheat Bread today but I know we will go through that probably in the next day or two so I will be making another loaf of bread. Plus on Friday I want to make homemade pizza so I need to do the dough for that. And then I also want to try to make some spice cookies as I want to bring them the next time we go to Master's parents. I am going to bring them a loaf of Focaccia when we go the next time too.
Lithium Picnic - Oh yum. I know I have put this link up before but really I just can't get enough of his photography. I think his photos are scrumptious. They make me want to have an orgasm!
Hair - Master had told me I can have purple hair. But really I want purple streaks. But He is thinking of just having me change the color in general. I suggested a color I once had which is more burgundy. So I guess we will see. I will probably need to color my hair again before we head over to Denver the next time.
My Vibrator - Well my vibrator kicked the bucket. I was masturbating last night and it just stopped. It had new batteries and everything so that was not it. Master looked at it this morning. He tried to fix it, but alas he could not revive it. I could not bare to throw it out so it is sitting on the nightstand so I guess I have not called time of death on it yet.
So a few words for my buzzy blue buddy. It was a really good vibrator - which was not all that expensive. I loved how it could go from very light buzz to fast and furious buzz....oh yum yum oh so good. I just wish it would have lasted longer - I did not even have it a year. And other vibrators in my past have been used more frequently then this one and lasted longer. I loved that this one was really umm powerful and only required 2 AA batteries. Really I have never had a vibrator like it that was so yummy as my buzzy blue buddy. I had 7 wonderful orgasms from it on Saturday. Oh how I am going to miss it!
Saturday, May 15, 2004
Quotes & Our New Website!
There are moments when, what ever the position of the body, the soul is on its knees. - Victor Hugo
As ego goes down, power and influence over the behavior of others goes up. - Verbal Judo Institute Maxim (http://www.verbaljudo.com)
Well if you have not figured it out - with the new look to the blogger also came a new website. Master and I registered the domain a while back and it took me a while to get the website up and going, but we officially got it off the ground a few weeks ago.
So if you have not taken a look at it yet, please do!
within Reality
Some points of interest....
Master's brillant 404 page!
Also check out why we chose within Reality as our domain name.
As ego goes down, power and influence over the behavior of others goes up. - Verbal Judo Institute Maxim (http://www.verbaljudo.com)
Well if you have not figured it out - with the new look to the blogger also came a new website. Master and I registered the domain a while back and it took me a while to get the website up and going, but we officially got it off the ground a few weeks ago.
So if you have not taken a look at it yet, please do!
within Reality
Some points of interest....
Master's brillant 404 page!
Also check out why we chose within Reality as our domain name.
Why I am I this way?
I might be able to understand why I am being introduced to my own body now, as a woman in my 30s. I might be able to understand why I married the perfect man with the perfect family with the idyllic past, vanilla and safe. I might be able to understand why I am drawn to the same horrible instruments of my past, but managed to sexualize their content and their usage. I might able to understand my own anguish and face the demons I should be facing. ~ by Poiesia
I read this in Poiesia journal. And it struck a cord in myself.
I remember that I was very sexual, but never understanding of my own body until I started exploring BDSM again. I remember being married to Mr. Nice Guy who was had a "Leave it to Beaver" family. He was safe. I came to him after Don. I needed to get way from the horrible feelings I was left with when Don released me - but did not see that then.
I was reading some of my archives yesterday morning. There were entries that talked about my time with Don. "Stories of Old" are what I call them. I still get turned on and disgusted by them at the same time. (stories of old - 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5)
All those things used to bother me - the whys & hows. Why did it take so long to understand my body even though I was so sexual? Why did I marry Mr. Nice Guy? Why did I play it safe with him? Why couldn't I get him to understand me? How can the things Don did to me excite and disgust me at the same time? How can I want to experience them again? How can I get off on things he did to me?
I remember a time where I tried to understand all those things. I remember agonizing over them. I remember being so confused and frustrated because I couldn't explain all of them. Of course some of them were answered over the years. But some are still out there hanging. I searched for answers to the whys and hows, but just could not find answers to some.
And then one day as it often happens with me - all this internalizing - disappeared. It did not really disappear, but I do so much internalizing I somehow work it out without ever even verbalizing it.
And so one day I did not -need- to understand. I just accepted this is who I am and I am happy being this way.
Parts of me wish that I could have skipped over that part of wondering why. But I think we all go through it and all find our own way to see what we need to see weather we find answers or just learn to accept this is "who I am."
Check out Poiesa's whole journal entry from 4 - 27 - 2004 in her archives.
I read this in Poiesia journal. And it struck a cord in myself.
I remember that I was very sexual, but never understanding of my own body until I started exploring BDSM again. I remember being married to Mr. Nice Guy who was had a "Leave it to Beaver" family. He was safe. I came to him after Don. I needed to get way from the horrible feelings I was left with when Don released me - but did not see that then.
I was reading some of my archives yesterday morning. There were entries that talked about my time with Don. "Stories of Old" are what I call them. I still get turned on and disgusted by them at the same time. (stories of old - 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5)
All those things used to bother me - the whys & hows. Why did it take so long to understand my body even though I was so sexual? Why did I marry Mr. Nice Guy? Why did I play it safe with him? Why couldn't I get him to understand me? How can the things Don did to me excite and disgust me at the same time? How can I want to experience them again? How can I get off on things he did to me?
I remember a time where I tried to understand all those things. I remember agonizing over them. I remember being so confused and frustrated because I couldn't explain all of them. Of course some of them were answered over the years. But some are still out there hanging. I searched for answers to the whys and hows, but just could not find answers to some.
And then one day as it often happens with me - all this internalizing - disappeared. It did not really disappear, but I do so much internalizing I somehow work it out without ever even verbalizing it.
And so one day I did not -need- to understand. I just accepted this is who I am and I am happy being this way.
Parts of me wish that I could have skipped over that part of wondering why. But I think we all go through it and all find our own way to see what we need to see weather we find answers or just learn to accept this is "who I am."
Check out Poiesa's whole journal entry from 4 - 27 - 2004 in her archives.
Friday, May 14, 2004
A Down Day
I have been trying to bring together some thoughts on dependency. And losing myself. I don’t feel that I am either of those things but it was brought up not to long ago and I want to address it. So I am going to mull it over a little more.
I have been really down today. And I did not like feeling that way. Master has tried to help me out of it. He even brought me 2 dozen roses home. It was a very nice surprise! He also got a bottle of our favorite wine. It was very thoughtful of Him.
He and I discussed why I am feeling down today. It is because of a conversation with Him last night. Master told me He had been masturbating. Now He can do whatever He wants. But it hurt my feelings that He did not use me. And some feelings I had been feeling – like He was not sexually attracted had been bouncing quietly in the back of my mind – so when I heard that He had been masturbating – of course I immediately “validated” those thoughts hanging around back there. Which of course was not it at all true. Master told me why He has not used me. And I understand His reasons and accept them. He had not used me in the morning when He masturbates because I have been not sleeping well at all and He wants me to be able to sleep in since early morning is when I am just starting my restful sleep. I appreciate His thoughtfulness and hear the words He is telling me, but of course in the back of my mind – I just could not let it go today and so was down – feeling unattractive.
And I know I should not feel this way. I know that Master is attracted to me. I just am not feeling it. And I am trying to tell myself – I don’t need to – because Master said it. And that is the bottom line. He said it – so He means it and that is all I should need to hear to get over this. But somehow my brain and feelings are not meshing nicely.
I know I need to get over it and I will.
I have been really down today. And I did not like feeling that way. Master has tried to help me out of it. He even brought me 2 dozen roses home. It was a very nice surprise! He also got a bottle of our favorite wine. It was very thoughtful of Him.
He and I discussed why I am feeling down today. It is because of a conversation with Him last night. Master told me He had been masturbating. Now He can do whatever He wants. But it hurt my feelings that He did not use me. And some feelings I had been feeling – like He was not sexually attracted had been bouncing quietly in the back of my mind – so when I heard that He had been masturbating – of course I immediately “validated” those thoughts hanging around back there. Which of course was not it at all true. Master told me why He has not used me. And I understand His reasons and accept them. He had not used me in the morning when He masturbates because I have been not sleeping well at all and He wants me to be able to sleep in since early morning is when I am just starting my restful sleep. I appreciate His thoughtfulness and hear the words He is telling me, but of course in the back of my mind – I just could not let it go today and so was down – feeling unattractive.
And I know I should not feel this way. I know that Master is attracted to me. I just am not feeling it. And I am trying to tell myself – I don’t need to – because Master said it. And that is the bottom line. He said it – so He means it and that is all I should need to hear to get over this. But somehow my brain and feelings are not meshing nicely.
I know I need to get over it and I will.
Tuesday, May 11, 2004
New Blogger Interface, Attention & Serving
New Blogger Interface
I think I like the new interface. I like that you can have a title line, a link line, and you can have comments now too. That might be nice haloscan is not always reliable although it is free so can't complain much there. I am really thinking of using bloggers commenting.
Attention & Serving
This is not thought out....just a ramble....
I have come to realize in this year of living with Master that it is not about attention. I want attention. Most people want attention. But what I think really has come for me is that I am not craving or needing the attention like I used to. It is about serving Master. We don't have as much sex or S&M in our relationship as I had always felt I wanted. Those things to me were positive attention. And I want them still, but I don't crave them or miss them like I thought I would. I am not getting down because I am not getting that kind of attention. I don't know when it changed really. I just know now pleasing and serving Master is my life and I do it without really even having to think about it anymore. I know there are areas to improve but each day we live our life I grow into the directions I need to be to serve and please Master.
Maybe I don't crave or miss the other kinds of attention I wanted because I have a more complete relationship then I have in the past. I am with someone that I have such trust and faith in that I don't worry about things that He does not put before me? I don't know....
I just know that I don't get all bent out of shape that I am not getting attention...like I have in previous relationships. And that I am happy in making Master's life better and easier with my serving Him as His slave.
I think I like the new interface. I like that you can have a title line, a link line, and you can have comments now too. That might be nice haloscan is not always reliable although it is free so can't complain much there. I am really thinking of using bloggers commenting.
Attention & Serving
This is not thought out....just a ramble....
I have come to realize in this year of living with Master that it is not about attention. I want attention. Most people want attention. But what I think really has come for me is that I am not craving or needing the attention like I used to. It is about serving Master. We don't have as much sex or S&M in our relationship as I had always felt I wanted. Those things to me were positive attention. And I want them still, but I don't crave them or miss them like I thought I would. I am not getting down because I am not getting that kind of attention. I don't know when it changed really. I just know now pleasing and serving Master is my life and I do it without really even having to think about it anymore. I know there are areas to improve but each day we live our life I grow into the directions I need to be to serve and please Master.
Maybe I don't crave or miss the other kinds of attention I wanted because I have a more complete relationship then I have in the past. I am with someone that I have such trust and faith in that I don't worry about things that He does not put before me? I don't know....
I just know that I don't get all bent out of shape that I am not getting attention...like I have in previous relationships. And that I am happy in making Master's life better and easier with my serving Him as His slave.
Monday, May 10, 2004
Back Again
I am really out of it today and so this will just be a quick blog....I am not sure why but after spending the weekend in Denver I always come home and it is like a crash of sorts. I feel very emotional and tired. I just wanted to crawl up in bed and cry all day. We had a nice time in Denver so it is not like anything is so horrible that I react to it. I just feel drained.
As I said we had a nice time in Denver. It was nice to see Master's family. I have always worried about His parents not liking me, but Master told me His Dad said that they really like me. So that is good.
I am reading Paulo Coelho's book The Pilgrimage - here is a quote that I found interesting...."Try to find pleasure in the speed that you're not used to. Changing the way you do rountine things allows a new person to grow inside of you. But when all is said and done, you're the one who must decide how you handle it."
This weekend while we are gone Master and I came upon my year anniversary of moving here. That quote to me really sums up my moving here. When I was in Ohio things were always moving, chaotic, fast and when I moved here....everything slowed down and that pace has really helped me grow. Master made me slow down. He wanted me to find the peace in my life with Him here in Colorado. And I have....it is kind of odd for me lately I have been reading my journal archives to kind of index them. And it feels like a lifetime ago on some of the things I had written. And other things I don't even make sense to me now. I am sure they meant something then but they don't now.
I am really out of it today and so this will just be a quick blog....I am not sure why but after spending the weekend in Denver I always come home and it is like a crash of sorts. I feel very emotional and tired. I just wanted to crawl up in bed and cry all day. We had a nice time in Denver so it is not like anything is so horrible that I react to it. I just feel drained.
As I said we had a nice time in Denver. It was nice to see Master's family. I have always worried about His parents not liking me, but Master told me His Dad said that they really like me. So that is good.
I am reading Paulo Coelho's book The Pilgrimage - here is a quote that I found interesting...."Try to find pleasure in the speed that you're not used to. Changing the way you do rountine things allows a new person to grow inside of you. But when all is said and done, you're the one who must decide how you handle it."
This weekend while we are gone Master and I came upon my year anniversary of moving here. That quote to me really sums up my moving here. When I was in Ohio things were always moving, chaotic, fast and when I moved here....everything slowed down and that pace has really helped me grow. Master made me slow down. He wanted me to find the peace in my life with Him here in Colorado. And I have....it is kind of odd for me lately I have been reading my journal archives to kind of index them. And it feels like a lifetime ago on some of the things I had written. And other things I don't even make sense to me now. I am sure they meant something then but they don't now.
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