A Wonderful Weekend!

I am not even sure where to start because this weekend has been just so incredible.

Master took me to Ouray, Colorado. It is not too far from us and it was a nice getaway for us.

Before we were able to leave for our getaway....we had to make a stop as I had a Christmas present to get for Master. He dropped me off and expected He would be circling the parking lot forever but I went in....got the item and went to a 6 item or less check out. There was a person there getting her receipt as I walked up. I knew Master would be a little bit so I stood inside instead of getting waiting in the cold - because of course I had not bundled up in a scarf or gloves before we left. Soon I saw Master and we were on our way back home to load the car for our trip and do a few other things before we got on our way.

Master put me in a rope harness and then the big metal collar that locks. We loaded the car with a toy bag and our clothing for overnight...said good bye to the kitties and off we went.

As we started into the area the mountains were just so gorgeous. Each time Master brings me to a new place I think this is it...it is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. And this has to have been it......it was so gorgeous. Snow covered mountains, winding roads into a valley where the town was nestled. The town was snow covered with Christmas lights and quaint little shops. But it was also very quiet as it is off season for them and so things were closed up for the winter.

We arrived at our hotel. It was a nice place...the view was so beautiful. After moments of being in the room Master was having me strip for Him as He took pictures (and no...we don't send those pictures out - as I know I would have gotten at least one email if I had not put that in lol). Master got a little (meaning a lot) turned on after watching that and seeing His hard cock pushing up in His jeans of course was making me want His cock in me soooo much! So I begged for Him to fuck me....and well He obliged His girl *blushes* He took me from behind with the rope harness still on. It was very yummy!

So within 15 mins of being in Ouray we were having sex LOL

After we caught our breath, Master took the rope harness off me and the collar....we cleaned up and headed into town. We went into a really neat little store full of just so many unique odds-n-ends - beads, incense, woodcarvings, dreamcatchers, pottery, rattle snake skins, porcupine quills, polished stones, walking sticks and so much more. Master found several incense that He liked - and that thrilled me.

When Master and I were first together I told Him of my love of incense burning and He was not thrilled. He told me He did not like them. Short story long....after burning a few He decided He liked them. So we picked out some that we both liked. They are sitting in a plastic sack on the table in the dining room and when you walk into the hall to go down to the living room on the way to the dining room - you can smell them and they are not even being burnt yet. They are strong but not overpowering. They just smell so good.

After scoping out that store for quite some time (thank goodness Master shops like I do), we headed out to find something to eat. Master did a good description of dinner in His blogger as we had kind of a hard time finding a place as they were all closed for the season.

Right now with the holidays and then with all the financial things that we have had going on - my move here, Master's surgery and a few others things....we are not exactly "rolling" in money. This trip was done because we needed to take it before Dec. 31 because of the points on one of those hotel club cards Master holds. So when the only option for dinner was a steak house...I was regretting not further pressing that I could have brought dinner with us (as we had a microwave and fridge in our dinners). I have problems Master spending money on me for some reason....and it really does not seem to get easier.

But as we sat there...listening to Christmas music...in the candle light....I just was so thankful to be having a nice romantic getaway with Master. It took my breath away just sitting there thinking about how happy I am with Master. Master is such an amazing man. So I sat there thankful that He found me and has given me the life I have searched for....for so long....I have a wonderful Master that I serve...that I am owned by....and that I love and adore. I am very grateful and fortunate.

After dinner, Master and I drove down the street a little way and went past a wonderful old building that had all the Christmas lights and wreathes on it. As we went past it we noticed on one side of the building there were these tall stained glass windows...with more windows above them. And in those windows we spotted a person sitting on a balcony playing a guitar. The room we were looking into was the main dining room. (mind you the pictures on that website do not do it justice as that was when they were doing the remodeling and now it is all finished and so gorgeous). The walls were painted a deep rich burgundy....they looked so spectacular even through the window. Master said one day we will have to go back and eat there. The building inspired Master to take pictures so He parked the car...leaving me there to stay warm....while off He went with camera and tripod to take pictures. While Master was off taking pictures I had little daydreams of coming back to Ouray several times....having many years of fond memories there.

The rest of the evening was hard and intense...leaving us to getting to bed late. We woke in the morning to some more playing before we headed to breakfast and then to check out. Before we headed out of town we stopped at a couple stores one being Ouray Glassworks and Pottery. It is owned by a couple. The husband is a glassblower. And his wife does pottery. We liked both the glass and the pottery featured in the store and ended up buying our first Christmas item together. It is a glass tumbler - that is a highball. It is done in red, white and green and we will use at either a candy dish or a candle holder. It is a really pretty piece of glass. And each year when we take out our Christmas decorations we will remember our getaway to Ouray and our first Christmas together. :)

We also went into a toy store. I was kind of curious to the reason we were....but as soon as we walked in Master made it clear why we were in the store. He asked the clerks as soon as we walked in if they had paperdolls. They really didn't, but they showed up some other items that were close. One being Mary Engelbreit's magnetic "paper" dolls. (which I have quite a few things of Mary Engelbreit's.) Each set had a magnet doll with then clothing. It had a little "scene" to use to play with along with the clothing and doll or the doll has a stand or can be used as a magnet. Daddy bought me the little girl doll named Sophie. She has short red hair and is very cute! I am sure I will enjoy playing with her! *smiles and blushes*

After heading out of Ouray Master told me we would drive through Telluride. And it was equally as beautiful. It was a cute little town where the speed limit throughout the whole town is 15 mph. The main street was lined with Gingerbread looking houses - the old Victorian houses - in assorted candy colors. Then on to all the shops....all looking very nice and well...expensive. We did not stop as we needed to head back and we knew it is someplace we will come back to. The scenery is so incredible.

It is so magical. Just starring off into the mountains climbing up around us puts me into a quiet peaceful state.

When we got home, we unloaded the car and then Master needed to go to work for a little bit. So although I was very tired and wanted to take a nap, I decided to be productive and unpacked, unloaded the dishwasher that I ran before we left and the got dressed in black satin panties, black satin bra and thigh highs. I thought it would be a nice surprise for Master. And He did enjoy it. :) We pretty much - jumped into bed - again :) Master put the gag harness on me and then Master fucked me before leaving me to take a little nap.

It was an amazing weekend. One I will never forget...

The time with Master was so wonderful....I can't even begin to describe the feelings that I associate with the whole weekend. I am truly amazed by the wonderful man I am with....and truly proud to be His girl.

Today was SO GREAT!

We got up at 7am. Yes that early! Master has been in a getting up early mode lately. I popped the cinnamon rolls in that I left out rising last night. And then started in on making a pumpkin pie. It turned out a little flatter then they have in the past but of course I am sure it is because of the altitude.

While making the pumpkin pie, my family called. It was nice to chat with them. :) They are still going on and on about Master and how much they like them. My Mom said that she felt He was made for me. :) Then shortly there after Master's parents called.

I finished up the rest of the dinner - getting put in the oven or ready too. We then just kind of relaxed....Master watched football and I looked at all the ads. After everything was ready, Master carved the turkey and I got everything on the table. We had a really great dinner. Before starting to dish things up, Master stopped me so that He could take a picture of the table. He opened a bottle of wine from the local winery that we enjoy. It was just a very nice dinner. Master enjoyed everything so I am glad He had a good Thanksgiving dinner! I know I had a good Thanksgiving dinner with Master. :)

Shortly after dinner Master and I went to the bedroom for some more quality us time. It was a lot of fun and just great to be having such a wonderful time with Master all day.

I also got a chance to talk to wench today. We had a nice conversation. We had some good laughs also - where she messed up the name of SMART Fest. I won't repeat what she said but it was funny!

Master's birthday is next weekend. So with that and Christmas coming up I had been stressing about what can I get Him. Because of course....I don't own anything - money included. I never carry a purse....Master has my license in his wallet always. And Master told me the other night that He would be giving me money to get Him a Christmas present. It is kind of odd. I am not sure how I am dealing with that yet...but I also appreciate it. So of course in one of the ads today I saw that something I wanted to get Him was going to be on sale. So tomorrow I will be going into a store without Master and all alone (which will be kind of weird all on its own) and buy His present.

It is kind of odd for Him to know everything that goes on with His girl and to have this one little secret. He has been pretty good about not pushing me to tell Him what it is because He knows I would tell Him if He told me too. But He has been teasing pretty good. Like tonight He asked me what time the store opened in the morning and I said I was not sure. He said look at that ad. So that He could see what ad it was that I was looking at and try to figure it out. He was just teasing. But His girl was quick anyway and so instead of going and pulling that ad out I went through all the ads again LOL He then asked me what time it opened. I said 6am. He said okay I will pull all the ads that say 6am I said go for it...knowing pratically all of them said 6am. He replied, "most of them say 6am." I smiled and nodded. :) So when we get in the car tomorrow I will tell Him where I need to go LOL

My horoscope for tomorrow....
LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): If you felt a change for the better yesterday--especially within your emotional landscape--today could be even better yet. It’s like you’ve grabbed onto a kite and are being pulled up into the big blue sky. Your breadth of vision is wide. Your view of the future extends weeks, months or more. The “Force” most assuredly is with you now.

Okay going to go read Master's journal and then head to bed....

It was a very good Thanksgiving day...I love Master very much and am so grateful to be His....to be here with Him enjoying life!

The last few days have been really nice...

I am not sure I am going to explain this well...

But I am enjoying quality time with Master. When He has come home from lunch the last few days He has not turned the TV on, but instead sat and talked with me. And I enjoy it so much. Just Him and I spending time talking. He also the last few days has been more affectionate not only with touches, hugs and kisses but words. And it has made me feel so good.

I also have been pretty productive this week. Monday was very productive and got everything done on my list by the end of His lunch hour, so Master allowed me to be online all afternoon. Tuesday I woke up with a migraine - either premenstrual migraine or just lack of sleep as I had nightmares all night long and just had trouble getting back to sleep after them. But I still got almost everything done on my list for Tuesday. Today I was productive too. Master left a little early for work and I just started in and was almost all done with everything on my daily list - by 10:30am.

Master was able to get off work at 3pm today and so came to get me - because unfortunately we needed to do Thanksgiving Feast shopping. :( Well, as Master got close to home it started to snow. By the time were at Wal-Mart the snow was really coming down. When we walked into Wal-Mart from the parking lot, we were covered in snow!

It had not been snowing that hard or even snowing when most people went into Wal-Mart so when Master and I walked in were starred at and everyone was commenting on the snow. I saw people that did not have coats on - with kids that did not coats either and so I am sure they were really surprised to walk out in to the COLD WET SNOW!

Tonight I tried to make something new....Asiago Cream Sauce....like an Alfredo but with Asiago. I added chicken and served it over penne. I also made Brushetta. Master had never had it and when I described it - I know He was a little leery but He is really good about trying the new things I make. And He loved it. It did turn out pretty good except I think I did too much oil...the bread after sitting a little while got a little soggy. But still tasted really good. I love brushetta!

I have been doing a happy dance because Master is off for the next 4 days. :) I am looking forward to my time with Him!

Sunday night Master and I were watching some movies....The Transporter and Femme Fatale. The Transporter did not have very good acting or anything, but seeing a girl tied up and gagged with duct tape for a lot of the movie was kind of nice LOL :) The lead male in it was also pretty good looking. Then Femme Fatale was just weird lol I did not like that twist in it.

After the movies, we were sitting there and Master reached over and started slapping and punching my breasts and pinching my nipples over my sweater....so moving to the sweater being pushed up and slapping and punching my bare breasts. He also was pinching and pulling my bare nipples - it felt like He was going to pull them right off.

We then moved to the bedroom where Master fucked me with the hood. On then afterwards He played with my breasts and cunt for a while...until I had several very intense orgasms.

We both slept very well. I zonked out until my 4am nightmare. But until then I slept soundly! :) It was just hard to get back to sleep.

I wished Monday morning that Master did not have to go to work. It is hard to have Him home all weekend and then see Him have to go to work - but I know it is a necessary evil. I was glad to see Him when He came home for lunch...but He made me wear the gold suit *icky* It is a very shiny gold bodysuit thing that fits snuggly around my body and I don't like it. But it made Him very happy...and that is GOOD :)

Last year at this time Master and I had just started chatting a week before...

I remember chatting with Him ALL day on Thanksgiving. It was so nice.

And this year I will be cooking Him a Thanksgiving Feast made with love for my wonderful Master. :)

I have a lot to be thankful for this Thanksgiving! :)

Here is the results to The Fetish Quiz...that I got via Soulhuntre's Weblog


~ You have no preference for one sex or another. You tend to be submissive. This will impact the interpretation of your various sexual interests.

~ Clothing is an important part of your sexual fantasies. Materials like latex, vinyl, and leather probably excite you a great deal.

~ Possibly left over from your childhood experiences is your interest in spanking. You enjoy the feeling of being slapped, and the burning feeling afterwards. Spanking is not child's play to you. It holds a deep place in your fantasies.

~ You enjoy the feeling of being restrained during sex play ... being completely immobile and helpless is a turn on in a big way. You probably have quite a collection of bondage gear ready to use right now.

~ You enjoy being humiliated. The thought of humiliation strongly appeals to you, though you may not know why.

~ You enjoy the sensations of various toys on your body. Your interest in sensations can be light or it can get bloody hard -- literally. But you enjoy it all the same.

~ Anal stimulation is a strong source of interst for you. You enjoy the feeling of someone inserting an object into your rectum -- there are a wide variety of toys you fantasize about, ranging from butt plugs to enemas.

~ You become aroused when you reveal information about yourself, or perform a sex act in a public or semi-public setting.

~ Pretending to be a patient is your thing. You enjoy the thought of being examined. You are turned on by the snap of latex gloves, syringes, enemas, and the whole works. Medical play holds a strong interest for you

~ There are certain objects that possess a more-than-natural meaning for you. These may be everyday items, or more specialized sex-related items -- but the end result is the same: just having them around is enough to make you quite perky.

~ Strangers fascinate and interest you, and many of your fantasies either involve strangers or are in their presence. You secretly have a desire to have a sexual encounter with someone you don't know, and with whom you don't consent to have sex. The concept of unwilling partners turns you on. You tend to enjoy sexual activities in groups, such as threesomes or orgies.

~ You enjoy playing with gags. Specifically, being forced to wear one.

~ You enjoy urine play. This may include catheter play, or one of you urinating on the other according to your partner's wishes.

~ Some of your fantasies involve sexual acts with animals.

~ You may enjoy thoughts of your sexual partner inserting a hand or fist into your body.

~ What else can be said? You enjoy getting yourself off. Don't we all?

~ You enjoy your sexual partner regulating your breathing. You are turned on when you can not control this most basic human function.

Dominant (0%)
Submissive (100%)
Voyeurism (50%)
Clothing (50%)
Feet (0%)
Spanking (100%)
Bondage (100%)
Humiliation (86%)
Sensation (75%)
Anal (75%)
Exhibitionism (80%)
Sleep (43%)
Medical (57%)
Training (50%)
Food (0%)
Bodyfluids (57%)
Roleplaying (50%)
Oral (50%)
Objects (80%)
Strangers (75%)
Rape (75%)
Groups (100%)
Gagging (75%)
Watersports (60%)
Crushing (20%)
Bestiality (67%)
Fisting (80%)
Finger sucking (0%)
Toe sucking (0%)
Masturbation (67%)
Asphyxiation (75%)

FIRSTS:
First job: Babysitting and then first "real job" was at Valentino's Pizza Restaurant
First screen name: it had my "real" name and my ex-husbands name. The 2nd was Moonaura
First self-purchased album: The Kink's - Destroyer
First funeral: My Grandpa's when I was 17
First piercing/tattoo: I got my ears pierced when I was around 12
First credit card: JCPenny card
First true love: Morgan
First enemy: Uncle
First big trip: Moving from North Dakota to Texas - but I don't remember it at all I was less then 1 year
First concert: Adam Ant
First musician you remember hearing in your house: hmm I don't know about that...my Mom and Dad both like music and played it lots. I do remember the Carpenters but I also remember Meatloaf...and so many others.

LASTS:
Last big car ride: I guess BIG car ride would be the one Master and I made to Ohio.
Last kiss: From Master :)
Last library book: hmm library book....I think Anthem by Ayn Rand many many many years ago - borrow or buy books so much more now then I used too
Last movie seen: Matrix Revolution
Last beverage drank: Diet Coke
Last food consumed: a cookie....but Master calls them Orgasm cookies because He feels they are that good. I think they are well good but not as good as an orgasm. I would rather have an orgasm over an orgasm cookie anyday...everday...all the time LOL
Last phone call: girlie called me Friday night :)
Last cd played: Ottmar Liebert
Last annoyance: well how I have been feeling this week....lol... but the last was I burned some sausage for the pizza
Last soda drank: Diet Coke
Last ice cream eaten: vanilla cones from Micky D's
Last time scolded: I can't remember for sure but on our way into Sam's Friday night I said something very much with a smart ass attitude and Master said something about it...but it was more playful between us then scolding.
Last shirt worn: a blue long sleeve polo type shirt that is warm because it is COLD.
Last Web site visited: Vamp's Journal where I got this "fluff" as she called it. :)

Let it Snow Let it Snow Let it Snow...

We woke up this morning with it snowing BIG snowflakes. The cats watched from the window with wonder. C2 would put her paw up to the window trying to catch them. Master went out and brought in a handful of snow and put it on the entry tiles for them to explore but when they got near they went okay not for us...cold and wet! LOL

Today my patience seems null and void.

I feel all great one moment but then the next I feel near tears and ready to snap. :(

I wonder why so many things are getting to me this week.

The other night Master asked me if I was upset about something and if I was I needed to be talking to Him. His tone was of frustration. He asked if I was holding something against him because that is what it felt like….I was surprised but not at the same time. I guess most of the time things that upset me I am able to let go of easier then I have the last week and so they are affecting me more outwardly right now because I can't let go of them. And so it may seem I am holding things against Him when in fact I am just trying to deal with things.

Things are so different in a vanilla relationship…when with Jim I do many of the things I do now…I keep house, I have dinner waiting, I tried to dress nice, I tried to be pleasing and so on. I do these things for Master - exception is….when I had an off day with Jim...I would tell Jim sorry….and not feel bad about it because we were husband and wife and not Master/slave. Now I am a slave and so basically I just do what is expected of me even when I am not feeling like it.

It is a rare occasion when I don't….do what is expected of me (with permission).

An example of sorts….

Last month I had a pretty bad migraine that lasted 2 days. And I was sleeping lots because it was bad. So my usual times of getting ready for Master before He came home did not happen. And Master said a week later "well you have not been dressing for me much." I went back and recalled the nights and came up with those 2 nights.

It hurt my feelings and I felt like a horrible slave for missing 2 days out of a month. I also was upset because it was 2 nights out almost the whole time I had been with Him when I thought back. It bothered me that He would think that is not dressing for Him much. But I did not say anything. I just had to deal. If Jim had said that to me, I would have said something back about dressing for * him * every night. But I did not say anything to Master and just tried to deal.

But here in lies the problem because for me to deal...I just kind of get quiet because if I open my mouth I am scared I will screw up again, do something that will not please Him more and I don't like the thought of displeasing Him.

I also know that sometimes Master interprets me sulking or pouting in these moments when I am really more in fear of doing something wrong and displeasing Him further.

And so I have been quiet on and off this past week because I just get upset by things that I normally wouldn't and so to deal I just try to be quiet and let it pass. But it also is not passing very quickly.

It almost feels like PMS but it would mean that I am early.

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Well I better sign off and make pizza....

Tonight Tristan Taormino is going to be on Real Sex on HBO. We saw her speak at Thunder in the Mountains in July. I really liked her...she was just really funny and open. And gave very good informative information. We saw her speak on Enemas. Master gives me enemas and at that time we were pretty new to doing them so it was good to hear all her tips and information on the subject.

"November 22, 11:00 pm, Am I Good In Bed? Real Sex 31 (HBO - EAST) The debut of my segment all about anal sex on HBO - don't miss it!"

Oh so good and so true....it is how i feel...she describes it of course...perfectly...

slave marsha on living in a Master/slave relationship

Music: watching what not to wear on TLC
Mood: Perky
Topic: Various Topics

Saturday's Horoscope...

His...SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22–Dec 21): It’s your time of year! The Sun will be spending the next four weeks in your sign. It’s your astrological birthday month! This is the time for you to practice wishcraft. Don’t wait until your birthday to light candles and make a wish. Do it every day. But don’t waste your wishes by asking for more than you really need. Keep it in balance and your prayers will be answered.

mine...LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): The intensity is heating up, but you have a detached outlook that can help you through this situation. Try not to get caught up in a battle that isn’t yours. On the other hand, if others are stepping on your values, you’ll probably want to defend your point of view. Just don’t blow things totally out of proportion.

+++++++

Yesterday I was waiting for Master to get home. Dressed in Nude Control Top Pantyhose (something Master likes) and then a purple satin and lace nightie.

I was just looking at a catalog we get in the mail. It is a "discount healthcare" catalog (not sure how a counter top dishwasher is a healthcare item LOL). It is one of those likes Harriet Carter - that has lots of little things that will "enhance" your life - those can't live without them items LOL

Anyway, this one I always actually get a little titillated looking at because…well some of the things make me think of things that turn me on LOL They have some very ugly looking panties, bras and socks that make me think of Master. He likes that things like that would humiliate me because I think they are ugly and would never "want" to ever wear anything like it.

And then….there are other items that feed into my desires of wetting on myself….

One being plastic panties for a good price…there are other little items that play into too that they have…in that little catalog. *blushing*

+++++++

I have this theory that I am not sure if I have written about here but have written in my private journal a couple times. It is being brought up again and now here because lately it is coming up again. The topic…women and high sex drives. Several friends online and real life have been talking about they have much higher sex drive then their male partners.

You always hear about after a man gets in a committed relationship that the sex disappears….and my theory is that it is the men who are not "putting out." It is the men…not being interested in sex with their partner anymore. I think men like the pursuit…the hunt and then after they got it...they might care and love the person they are with, but they are not interested in sex with that person anymore because they already hunted that partner.

So the women are there willing, but their male partner has had their sex drive with that female die down…unfortunately.

I am not saying this is a fact or true. It is just something that seems to be what I experience or seen happen a lot around me.

+++++++

Hiijab (veil)

This is something I have never revealed before…

And am admitting it because of a journal I read…(she will know who she is -smiles-)

I did lots of research once upon a time about the Muslim faith - as I had someone I was interested in who was Muslim. But long before I did that research I had a fascination with the veiled women. I liked the idea of being hidden. There is a sacredness with the rituals....in the rituals that I have with Master...and so wearing a veil would add to that sacredness. It seems graceful and quiet…that is not the word I want but I can't find the right word right now. The women stand out in the veil yet in a very quiet beautiful way. I like the idea of begin a wrapped up package that only my Master sees. I love the idea of modesty - covered, the femininity of my hair and make up taken away. But then I also like the idea of being slutty and dressing that way. So of course I have likes on both sides of my Libra scale.

+++++++

Why do I like things from both ends of the scale.

I want to be this totally sexual being and I want to be denied.
I want to have friends and be social and I want be cut off.
I want to be treated like a princess and I want to be treated like nothing.
I want to dress sexy and I want to be veiled and covered.
I want humiliation and I want tenderness and understanding.
I want to soft kisses and a romantic night and I want to raped, beaten and used.
I want to pampered and I want to be on the floor eating out of a dog dish while covered in piss and cum.

+++++++

Master has written about that He has a lot of sadistic thoughts but He is not sure about posting them...I think He should post them *smiles*

Tonight Master was in a bad mood when He came home...and it was understandable. We went out to get groceries and by the time we came home Master was in a better mood. I started to get undressed...no I was undressed and He made me put my bra back on. He motioned for me to come to His side of the bed and I stood there while He just fondled my breasts. He liked the feel of the bra. Before I knew it....we were having sex. mmmmmmmmmmmmm :) Our groceries were not even put away yet....isn't that cool...just spontaneous sex.....so yummy!

Okay going to finish watching What Not to Wear...and eating M&M's :)

Life is like a mirror. If you frown at it, it frowns back. If you smile at it, it returns the greeting. - Herbert Samuels

"Out beyond ideas of right-doing and wrong-doing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there." ~Rumi

"If you wish to understand yourself, you must succeed in doing so in the midst of all kinds of confusions and upsets. Don't make the mistake of sitting dead in the cold ashes of a withered tree." -Emyo


Our horoscopes for tomorrow...

His...SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22–Dec 21): You may have the wildest and most imaginative ideas now. The big question will be “can you ground your ideas enough to impact reality?” It’s tough to maintain a sense of practicality when your mind is moving so fast and so far out. If you can pull it in just a bit, you have the potential for brilliance. Let it shine.

mine...LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): Don’t put off what you need to do. Act early in the day, for you’ll be riding strong cosmic currents if you do. By midday, the winds of change are blowing strong while changing direction. You may want to fly a kite, for if you play Ben Franklin you’re sure to get struck by lightning. But this isn’t about getting electrocuted. It’s about getting shook up just enough to prevent you from settling back into what’s convenient.

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Master has let me have a day to just veg...catch up on the Buffy episodes I have been taping and surf....soooo here are some quizes for now and I will write a longer entry later today....






Kinky!


Which doll are you?
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SELENE: You are selene!
Beautiful, vivacious, fierce and seductive, Selene vowed she would destroy Lycans after her family was murdered by the werewolves. So ruthless is she that selene is a member of the Death Dealers. This elite Vampire warrior class's mission is to make the Lycans extinct. This 127-year-old "aggressive hunter of the underworld" combines a mastery of ancient weaponry with modern pleasures, such as driving Jaguars and using computers. However, Selene's ambitions are suppressed by Kraven. She longs for Viktor's reawakening so that he becomes the Vampire's regent once again.

Ever wish you could be a vampire?
Then Click Here to become a Vampire!


Which UNDERWORLD character are you?
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Salome


Which bad girl of the Bible are you?
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I will write more tomorrow evening or tuesday about my parents visit but I wanted to mention one thing now...

Master bought me a little pillow today that says "A Princess Sleeps Here"

*smiles*

I am a lucky princess...with a wonderful Daddy!

Well I am tired....

My parents arrived today. :) It is really good to see them. They seemed to really like everything...Master, His home, the cats, dinner, the evening...so that is good.

We went to a winery today to pick up some wine for dinner. Both of my parents really liked the winery and the wine....they bought 3 bottles while we were there. We then came back to the house and I made dinner. I made smoky mountain chicken, sliced potatoes - roasted with onions and olive oil and then green beans plus herb rolls.

I have been very busy this week and Master was a great help to me this week also. He just offered and just did things and I was very thankful for His help. The house looks amazing right now. I thought back today about how it has been since we left for Ohio that it has not been up to my standards. And I hope to be able to now that we have had things slow down again.

I am really in the mood to write, but I am also tired and so is Master. So I will have to wait. I am not even sure what I would write about anyway. I guess I just have lots of family memories bubbling up and lots of feelings about family. I really am happy my parents are here and really happy they have met Master.

Oh also.....I got to chat with Moni today and it was great to hear her voice. I have been thinking about her this past week and so it was nice to talk to her. I was needing some girl talk.

Horoscopes for tomorrow....I really like Master's....

Master's....SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22–Dec 21): With the Moon in your Solar 9th House of Adventure, you could make plans for something that is totally self-indulgent today--and I am not talking about over-eating or buying extravagant things. I’m talking about doing something. Treating yourself to a journey--physically or within the realms of your imagination. Don’t let the restrictions of mundane reality hold you back. You really can do anything.

mine....LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): Your planet, Venus, is active today, but in very subtle ways. You may feel an inner desire to break out of the restrictions that life is now presenting to you. Or maybe you need to face the self-restraint that you place onto yourself. Either way, circumstances can now issue you a challenge that can be overcome. As you move through this challenge, you can make the breakthrough you were seeking.

Yesterday and today have been very productive for me. I do have a feeling that I will still be busy tomorrow and tomorrow night though. I reorganized the bedroom and bedroom closet today as well as put away all the toys *pouting* We have a trunk at the foot of our bed that I put them in so they are still accessible, but not visible like usual. Master has a coat rack in His room that usually has the toys hanging from it, but I thought it was best to put them away out of sight...I don't think my Dad could handle seeing the floggers, crop, cane and single tail. Though I did keep all our erotic and BDSM oriented books on the bookshelves in our bedroom. Jay Wiseman's Erotic Bondage Handbook, The Story of O, The Beauty series, The Marketplace by Laura Antoniou , Fetish Girls and Beauty Parade by photographer Eric Kroll and several others. But the books that will probably disturb my Mom the most are the books on Buddhism and my Tarot books and cards. The erotic ones she will probably not even think twice about but I might get a lecture on the other books.

Last night Master and I watched Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. It was a good episode. The guy they helped I did not think needed any help - ohhhh my was he gorgeous. He was getting help with the Fab 5 so that he could propose to his girlfriend...who was also very hot. Anyway, the guy was totally romantic...he even cried because he was so in awe of what the Fab 5 did for him. Everything was so romantic...flowers tucked in the napkin rings, candles every where, outside there was a moroccan inspired kind of tent of red sheers draping around a center platform with a low table and candles hanging all around it. The guy had 3 boxes of chocolate - one filled with mousse, another filled with raspberries and the third had the engagement ring in it. He gave her the mousse box first, then the raspberry and then the one with the ring. He got on bended knee and proposed to her. It was all very very romantic.

I really liked it...and cried of course. lol

It made me think of romance...sometimes it is something I miss and it seems to me that in the BDSM relationships I have had that romance is not done as often as it is in the vanilla relationships I have had in the past. Which also made me think about that I don't do as many romantic things I used to. And the reason I don't is because it is not done for me. Now that does not seem very "nice" - that I will do it because he will do it. But I think I just got so tired of it being one way that I got resentful and stopped. :(

On to a similar note Master has been very tender while being rough too....

He will kiss my neck and around my ears (which are very hot spots for me) very softly while He is squeezing my breasts and nipples hard...and I am really enjoying it. I like the tenderness....something else I miss from time to time....as in BDSM relationships that I have had that seemed to lost too.

Next...I hope after my parent's visit that Master and I can get the website designed and then up....and so I can get my who's who page back along with all the articles I have written and so on.

Also I found out tonight that J. Mikael Togneri has passed away. :( I did not know him personally. But I knew of him through online articles and when he ran Absolute BDSM (He handed it over to Flagg). He has some articles on Leathernroses. He was very arrogant (which is an attractive quality to me) and very interesting. He will be missed.

Lastly for tonight....surprise surprise I am submissive :)

You Are Submissive!

Pain may or may not be your thing, but chances are at least a little spanking turns you on.

Submissive doesn't mean your a masochist (though you could be!)

It means you like your lover to take charge ... and take care of you

In return, you like to worship your partner - in whatever way (s)he wants!



Are You Dominant or Submissive?

More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva

Music: Norah Jones
Mood: Good

A Comic Master just sent me in an email. He allowed me to be on a bit this morning so I could chat with girlie. It was good to talk to her as I have not been able to chat with her much. And I am sending her lots of love.

I am not going to be on long, as I have a million things yet to do before Saturday. Everyone send positive energy that the weather is good because they are flying into Denver and then will be driving to Grand Junction...so going through a few mountain passes.

I am feeling really good and positive about just everything in my life right now. It feels good to be so positive.

So I am trying to decide if I should keep the chains attached to the bed or if I should take them off before my parents get here. Master basically said it was up to me.

Oh well lots to do as usual....so I better go get busy and make up for yesterday.

I have issues with...

food quality envy memory broken

Take Word Association Test

Music: Watching Buffy
Mood: Up and down
Topic: Dealing with change

Right now I have emotions all over the place....and I will get to why they are in a bit....

I recently answered a post on a message board…someone was asking about what do you do when you don't have enough time to play. And I said that you just need to make time to do things so that you don't fall into the vanilla quicksand. Even when tired. Because I know when I have forced myself to do whatever when I am tired that I feel better afterwards. Also there are always things that could be taken out…does the laundry need to be done at that moment? Do we really need to sit in front of the TV all night? Do we need to be online? There are things that can't be put off, but there are things that can be and so if a little quality time together is needed….then do it.

Master wrote in his journal about things not being how we both want them and that He has been in a rut.

It has been hard, but through it all I had faith in us. I knew we both want the same things and even though He was not there right now I knew He would get us back on track again. I also knew through this all that He was in control. I still knew my job was to please and serve Him and I tried to the best of my ability.

I am not going to lie. It has been hard. I never wanted to be one of those types that whine about not having S&M. As I have said though I do think S&M produces endorphins that are good for my mental health. Could I live without it? Yes I could. Would it make me a less "happy" person? Yes most likely. Do I want to live without it? No way I do not want to LOL

Master and slave relationships to me are just like any relationship. When in a vanilla relationships, we go through times when it is more exciting and other times when life is just so busy you barely have time to breath. And the same goes with Master/slave relationships, but the foundation was set in place with our Master/slave relationship so that when it did start to change we were okay. We did not fall apart. We rode it out.

Our foundation of our relationship was there. Master is in control of our relationship. I am to serve and please and we have faith in each other. And that is what will always get us through the hard spots.

Some things that have helped me get through this:

~ I am here to serve and please Him. I know that must seem obvious, but there are some days it is really hard to serve. But then I think of the big picture...I do want to serve and please. And I said I would.

~ He is in control and to just do as I am suppose to will make it go smoother. If I were to try to fix (meaning control) then it would just make things worse....because our dynamics and foundation is set that Master is the one in control and I am the one that serves and obeys.

~ Be respectful, grateful, trusting, vulnerable and have faith.

I just tried to serve, please and keep quiet. I did not feel I could "say" anything that would help or that did not feel to me that I was trying to control things so I just served.

I am sure these things seem obvious, but in the moment of frustration, confusion, sadness, and all those other wonderful emotions I think it is hard to remember them...and so spelling them out has helped for me.

So....now....Master is more interested in S&M again....and I know He will micromanaging me more again.

And it is hard....I am trying to just keep the principles I did while going through this time we have....

But it is hard because my emotions seem to have spiked during this next turn on our path....with S&M being added back in to our relationship. While I am very happy to be playing more...it is kind of scary and I have a low tolerance for pain....

So it is hard...

Also the pain brings out intense emotions...and then add in the fear of what is going on....what He is doing...and it overwhelms me because I have forgotten how to act, how to get through those moments and when I have need pain for so long to finally have it....it is a release....

This morning I just broke down crying....emotions just overflowed....I tried to just go with it...but I could not hold back the tears. I felt awful because I wanted to keep it in....I just wanted to go along with what Master did....

But I cried.

Master still used me....but it was so full of emotions and I am having problems processing the emotions. I am not even sure why I am feeling what I am feeling or better yet what I am feeling.

What is kind of ironic I had finally started to get the acceptance of no expectations of what was going on...just acceptance of no S&M and acceptance that I was Master's servant and partner but not slut or whore or masochist. And now....I have to turn around again and head back the direction I had kind of turned my back on...

I just don't feel I am making sense at all...

Over all I need to learn to deal with this....I am happy we are playing more....and I do need to learn how to deal with the micromanaging that is going to be stepping up more and more.

Okay on to other things....

Yesterday was productive and today was totally non-productive....

Last night was good Master and I went to Matrix Revolution and it was AWESOME! I am not going to write about it right now because I don't want to ruin it for anyone...

But I just wanted to say I really loved it! :)

Well we finished dinner....Master is watching football. So I asked to do a blog entry....

I made this pie thing with mashed potatoes for dinner. This is the first time I have ever made real mashed potatoes. And they turned out no lumps or anything! It was much easier then I thought it would be actually. Master really liked them.

After I am done with this entry, I will have to go get dressed. Master and I are going to Matrix Revolution tonight. :) We watched Reloaded again Saturday night. Every time I see any of the Matrix movies I catch more and more. Anyway, I am looking forward to seeing Revolution.

Today was a pretty good day for me. It started out with Master fucking me with a hood on...and then after he fucked me He did some breath play and then slapped and punched my tits until I was begging and squirming and writhing. He then used the vibrator on me to make me cum. *blush* It was a nice way to start the day.

We have not played in a while so just even a little S&M this morning was really nice.

After Master went off to work, I began one of many projects on my list this week and I finished the projects on todays list by the time Master came home. He came home early today because of his cold, so he was home by 1:30. So I feel really good about getting that accomplished today. Tomorrow I have more projects to do and have asked Master for some help since He is home tomorrow. Plus I have some boxes of His stuff that I don't know what to do with...so I need Him go through and organize those.

I am going to need to find something that I can make for dessert one night while my parents are here that is okay for diabetics. I had thought of several things I wanted to make and then scratched them all off my list because I remembered Mom being diabetic. She was just diagnosed this summer. I was going to make cinnamon rolls too and now I am trying to find a muffin recipe that she would be able to eat. Anyone has any ideas please feel free to drop me an email or leave a note in the comments.

***********

I need to go get ready but....here is a story of old...yes...I am continuing....

One night he had me sucking on his cock on and off all evening. He was really hard and horny. He finally told me he could not stand it any longer and had me undress. He pushed me down on the bed to fuck me. He just was not able to have an orgasm for some reason. He was getting frustrated because he was not able to cum. He stopped….He did not have an orgasm. He kept telling me that I did not do what I was suppose to. That I was not a good fuck. That I just expected to have pleasure and not give any to him. He then said he might have to find someone who is a good fuck.

He told me to get dressed….I was crying. Because all the things he said…I believed totally without a doubt.

He then drove us to a bar. It was a bar we had been in before. He told me to go in and sit at the bar. He gave me money to get drinks. And he then came in a few moments afterwards. He sat down at a table. Pretty soon…he saw someone he liked….and made his move. He first bought her a drink and then they started talking. He was very charming. They danced a little while I sat watching from the mirror over the bar. I had my back towards him but could see everything in the mirror. And he wanted it that way.

The bartender looked at me. And looked at Don. He did not say anything but I knew he remembered that I was Don's girl. Soon I saw Don leave with the girl. I panicked for a moment not knowing what I would do if he left me there. And then I calmed down and knew he would come for me when he wanted me. I kept drinking diet cokes and had several men come up to me to talk and ask me to dance and such but I said no that I was waiting for someone. Two hours later Don came back. He walked in with the girl…he walked over to me….with her. And said, "Sophie…this slut is danae." The girl said, "oh she is a slut like me." And he said, "oh no she is not as good as you and infact she is pretty pathetic."

He then proceeded to tell the girl while I was sitting there that he had me sucking on him most of the evening and then ended up fucking me but that I did not turn him on enough to get him off and that is why he came looking for her. The girl laughed and said you are right that is pretty pathetic. She went on to say how great he was to fuck and how that I must have a really awful pussy. I sat there looking down near tears. I did not say anything. They continued to talk about me like I wasn't even there. After a bit he kissed the girl bye and told me to get my coat on. He brought me back to his place and told me he felt that I needed to be punished for not pleasing him. So he had me undress…

I was crying and telling him I was sorry. I was so incredibly racked with guilt that he had to go find someone else to fuck. He told me that my body needed to respond more to him. And that if it would not respond during pleasure that maybe I needed to feel more pain and that he needed to be harder on me.

He put a tape gag on me first. He had hooks in his ceiling and he took and bound my breasts and then put clamps on them and strung them up on a hook. He kept pulling until I was just about to be on my tippy toes. He then tied my wrists together and pulled them up and laced that through another hook on the ceiling.

He then started to cane me. Every stroke of the cane moved my body so that the clamps pulled and if I tried to move at all between the strokes of course that pulled on them too. My ass soon was on fire with the caning. I had tears down my face. My breasts were on fire as well from being so sensitive being bound - and then being yanked on when I was hit with the cane. But I also felt the burn between my legs...burn to be fucked because I was getting so turned on.

It seemed like I was there forever…..

He took me down, undid all the wrappings, took the tape off and then told me….

That I was good girl to give him everything he wanted. I was confused. I just starred at him with tears running down my face. He held me, kissed me and talked to me softly. And then not even 10 mins later…he was fucking me, telling me how wet my cunt was for him, and telling me that I was a good fuck. He kept squeezing my breasts and they hurt so much. I would buck from the pain and he would tell me that I was acting like a whore in heat.

Then I remember him telling me that he owns me…owns me in pleasure in pain and in use and abuse. That he can do anything to me. I remember crying and saying....yes yes yes....over and over again to him.

He came and then of course told me to go home. I cried myself to sleep and was confused but still I was his and I knew it and those feelings felt so good.

Okay I feel a quiz day and bunch of dailies answered....coming on lol


You are fire. Wild, fun, passionet and sexy. You
rock... GRRR ... very GGRRR. Give me a call
sexy ^_~


What's your element
brought to you by Quizilla

Yeah Yeah an Amy Brown picture. :)

And another....

You're a Moon babe: A guarded exterior protects your sensitive and emotional nature, so you don't often share your deepest feelings. You've got a great memory, a wild imagination, and keen intuition. You put your trust in these qualities rather than in what you're learning in school. Though you're tight with your fam, you still need to retreat from them on occcasion. Your amigas mean a lot to you, and you'd do anything any of them asked you to without needing to know why. But you tend to lecture them at times instead of just being their friend. When a bud talks behind your back, you hold a grudge for months. Your feelings for a special someone can run deep. But since you've been burned before, you tend to steer clear of potential relationships. Some guys figure that you're just playing hard to get, so they keep on coming back to drink in more of your ultra-feminine ways.


What Do Your Looks Reveal About You? (7 Possible Detailed Outcomes)!
brought to you by Quizilla

I found that one kind of interesting as have had moon in nicknames over the years...particularly moonaura. And I also think a lot of that sounds like me.

CATCHIN' SOME ZZZZZ'S

1. How many hours of sleep do average per day/night? wow that one is a hard one for me. The last 2 nights I have slept all through the night! *doing a happy dance* But usually I get about 4 hours of sleep :(

2. Are you a bed or blanket hog? At times LOL I am both but if anything I am a blanket hog because I get cold

3. Are you a sleepwalker? no i am not

4. Do you have recurring dreams? yes i do

5. Do you talk in your sleep? yes sometimes

BLOGGING

1. How long have you had your blog? a little over 3 years
2. Do you post on a daily basis? no but i wish i would
3. Do you have a list of daily reads? If yes, do you visit them daily? yes i do pretty much
4. What is the longest period of time you have gone without posting an entry? a week, i think
5. Do you have more than one blog? no not anymore






I am truly passionate.


You're excited about life and in touch with yourself and nature. Tell me, do I have this straight?

Virtues: You appreciate humor like none other. Puns might even spark laughter in you (TEHY R FUNNI). You seek adventure and connection with your surroundings. You seek friends who will not only share laughs with you but actually form a deep bond of trust and empathy beneath the surface. You look for adventure and courage in people, and variation is necessary to keep you under control. You see yourself as multi-faceted, so you need people who can see you in your many lights. You're constantly trying to figure yourself out while analyzing the people around you. Silly, silly people.

Aspirations: You can't decide what you want to be yet, but you know you want it to be adventures and interesting, with constant changes. You don't know what love will do for you yet, but it's competing with adventure for a place in your heart. An internal conflict has begun: can you be a successful worker, lover, and parent all at once?

Quirks: Noise of any sort is irritating when you're in the mood. Smacking gum, loud chewing, humming- it's about as pleasing as bodily noises. You dislike emaciated people because of jealousy and just plain disgust. You're a procrastinator but a hard worker, too.

Factors: You need constant attention and support. You're high-maintnence, but a great, reliable friend. Nature needs you and you need nature; it's helped thus far, so keep in touch with the outside world.

Future: Who knows! You absolutely need constant change, so vacationing is surely in the cards. Will you settle down or not? Love will find you eventually, as it does to everyone. Will you choose the sweet home life or the rewarding busy-bee life?

Find your soul type at kelly.moranweb.com.

Really sad just saw a recipe on BettyCrocker.com. It looked pretty good. It is one I sent to Bill and Lisa because it sounded like something their kids would like....and so I scroll to the bottom. It says:

High Altitude: Not Recommended

LOL

That is the first time I have seen a recipe that says it is not a good idea to make that...they usually just give the changes lol

Horoscope....LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): You Librans want to get into the act now, but may find it difficult to jump right in. You need not miss the action, even if it doesn’t have your name up there in bright lights. Be content with your place, for things started now will surely come full circle.

Well I am feeling somewhat better today. Not great. And certainly not symptom free of the flu I have...but at least a little better.

Last nights dreams were full of Don and now I am wondering if I am bringing him too much to the surface. After I posted this morning of our time that still was "bad"...I had a feeling come over me that was not a good feeling. In the past when I have thought of Don I would get a feeling that made me feel covered in something not good. It made me feel like there was a bad in me that I needed to get out. And as I described lately when I had thought of him....there had been no ill feelings basically. It had been calm....and seemed to just an acceptance. But today the feelings crept back....that disheartened me some....

So not sure if I will keep going forward with the thoughts....the memories....the stories of old.

Okay next topic TV...

On to something Master said I have not commented on in my blogger yet and I realized I hadn't. I am totally getting hooked on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy! :) Last night we were watching and I started to have a coughing attack because I was laughing so much. Carson is my favorite. He makes me laugh the most. But Jai is sooo cute! :) Yes I know he is gay but I can still look LOL

Trading Spaces I still love also but I am kind of annoyed that they are introducing more new designers and carpenters. I even saw on the newletter I get for Trading Spaces they are looking for another carpenter. I don't see enough of my favorites as it is now...so I really hope they don't add anymore new people. I can't even remember the last time I saw a room by Vern. :(

I also like House Invaders. It is on BBC America. Anna Ryder Richardson is my favorite of the designers on there and she will be making an apperance on Trading Spaces sometime this month. I like that show because it takes what you have in your house - paint, wood, old furniture, fabric and basically just creates new from old. They come in and will change 3 rooms....and some of the changes to me are just amazing what they can do with things we already have around the house.

I have become more of a tv junkie since being with Master. Before the only show I watched really was Buffy the Vampire Slayer and now....the tv is on almost all day while I do things around here.

The other thing that I have been getting hooked on lately is LiveJournal's...mostly dealing with being domestic or recipes. Here are a couple of community journals that I frequent....

Reciple Exchange
Hip Domestics
Natural Living
Domestic Bliss

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

The stories of old….continuing…

It is weird some conversations are so clear like they just happened yesterday. Other conversations are a blur…knowledge of what happened and the gist of what was said but not crystal clear like others.

Some of today's story is crystal clear and other parts fuzzy with old age.

I remember going to Don's after school. Sometimes he would be there and other times he would not. When he wasn't…there was always a list for me to do. He always had me do homework, but also other odds-n-ends. Sometimes cleaning, laundry, exercising, organizing things and so on. If possible he would look over my homework….correcting me often. And that is how discipline and punishment were introduced to our relationship.

If there were mistakes in my homework, he would show me what was wrong. Often first he would spank me and then comfort me at times. And then he would start getting me to think how to correct it. He never gave me the answers…he made me find them. But he gave me easier ways to find them - that did not occur to me.

There was a time I can remember that I did not do the list. I was mad because he had been at school more and did not have much time for me. I remember it really well and I remember thinking why should I do his laundry. He had me doing some schoolwork also…I think I had a paper due. And so I did not do either. I got very pouty. I picked up my bag and went home. The next day was a shorter day for me. I was a senior and had most of my credits…so I often had short days. So, I went to his place. He was not home yet and there was no list. There was just a note saying see you when I get home. So I took out the stuff to work on my research paper.

He was home shortly. He walked in and kissed me, but then took me by a handful of hair and said he was not very happy with me. And I instantly got that pit in my stomach. I looked down when he released my hair. He was doing the things people do when they get home. He had me trained to assist. I took his jacket and put his bag in its place. And he started to change clothes and asked me if I knew why he was not very happy with me. And I did not know. It did not even dawn on me I guess I was not still fully getting our dynamics. He then walked over to his desk and pulled out a piece of paper and handed it to me. It was the list from the day before. I looked at it and then looked at the floor. I sat quietly for a moment and then said something about not doing the things on the list. I remember him asking me why I did not do the list. And I did not want to tell him I got pouty like a 5-year-old. And so I told him something like I did not feel like doing the list. He did not fall for it. He sat down and had me sitting next to him looking at him. And so I told him that I was upset I had not seen him in a couple days and so I said screw it.

We talked. He was very calm, but I knew he was not pleased. I remember him asking me if he saw me almost everyday. I said yes. He said did he not give me quality attention. He asked me if I was satisfied with our sex life. And the things we do when we go out on dates. And how things were going in my life. And so on. And of course all I could do is answer yes.

He then said he took care of me and I was to do what he said always. I remember a lecture of how I disappointed him. And how I was to please him and serve him. That I was there to please him and make his life better and in turn doing so would make my life better.

I was then punished with a cane. He tied me bent over a chair. I did not have to count or ask for forgiveness after each stroke like the stories. I just was caned hard. I remember crying hard. I remember him untying me and I just kept saying how sorry I was for not doing the list. I remember him asking me if I would do all that he told me too. I said yes over and over again. I remember in that moment feeling I would do anything he asked. I felt such devotion and dedication. And I remember also him saying others things…nothing clear. And I remember feelings…of not deserving him. Of being unworthy. That he saw that….saw that I was unworthy, but still had me there with him.

The rest of the evening went on as usual. When I went home that evening told myself I would do better. That he deserved it.

I wish things could have stayed like that forever...

But of course....it did not.

Your Freaky Fetish Is Asphyxiation!

Definition: having your breathing deprived

In this case for heightened orgasm

Usually done alone, but sometimes with a partner

Bottom line - you're one kinky mofo!!



What's Your Freaky Fetish?

More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva

Music: none Master is watching Hockey
Mood: my mind is racing
Topics: A LONG ENTRY - Sex Work, The Matrix, Don, Mini update of life

As I wrote yesterday I don't feel like I am writing anything of substance…well I am not LOL Even in my private offline journal there is not much. The last few days I have written a little bit more but still I am not writing like I used too write. I feel closed off. But I don't feel closed off at the same time. I just feel like I am here. Like I am living life and just accepting what is right now. So that is not a bad thing.

But at the same time I know there are things that I should and want to write about.

Plus to top things off I am still not feeling great. Blowing my nose and coughing today. At least the headache is not as bad as it has been this week.

So some topics I want to cover….

Sex Work, The Matrix, Don…

This past week on an email list someone posted that a Dominant had a personal ad seeking submissives that would be required to prostitute.

Okay I don't have a problem with sex work :) But to advertise it on a personal ads website ugghh people are just not bright! So my feelings are 1) this person is a wannabe and 2) this person wants to be arrested for selling sex. Someone that is actually into that kind of business would NEVER advertise it on a personal ad website. And if they do…well they are not too bright about the business and will probably get caught. So, I would not trust them at all.

It was brought up about that kind of work is not safe. But I think as most society thinks of when they think of prostitution they think of the girls walking the street. And of course there are other options. Escorts don't walk the streets and there are lots of safety measures that they can take that girls walking the street can't. Of course there are always risks. But there are more safety measures that can be taken - safe sex, safe calls, checking out clients are just a few things that can be done.

With all the information I have about that industry I should teach a class or write a book LOL

Okay next topic….The Matrix. I was reading slave boy's journal the other day about the Matrix and it made me think of something I wrote up shortly after my birthday.

Master and I watched on the 17th of October the Matrix and the Animatrix. And then on my birthday we watched Matrix Reloaded. They are so full of symbolism….religious symbolism. So I wanted to understand more of what I saw because the movie goes and goes and I am back on wow did that mean…and then the next thing is happening before I can even forumlate the last thing I saw.

I would like to watch it and pause it and write and then watch and pause and write LOL that would be an everlasting movie (3 movies) LOL

I was raised in the Lutheran Church. I was raised to believe in Jesus Christ. My beliefs I have at this time in my life still give me conflict from how I was raised. And whenever I have watched the Matrix I felt Neo was portraying Jesus Christ. But also Buddha and so much more.

I have felt religions can be blurred between each other. Each has some common elements. And when I watch the Matrix I have felt it does the same - it blurs the lines of religion.

Okay things that I felt were symbolic to Christianity….and also some to Buddhism….

~ Neo and anagram for the One. The one to wake the world up and enlighten society….like Buddha and Jesus Christ.
~ Trinity, Zion, Nebuchadnezzar all names recognized from the bible.

There are many other things too but of course without going and watching and stopping and writing I am not going to remember them at least not at this time.

I think basically the main Buddhist element is that we are stuck in this world of suffering because of our ignorance and lack of awareness. So the Matrix is the world we have created in our minds of suffering and lack of awareness. And then when people wake up from the dream world - like Neo does - they he is aware and enlightened. I know there are more with Cypher eating steak and wanting to go back into the matrix and also the bare bones of the ship - the rooms, the food, their clothing…all are indulgences to distract them from their journey. But I have problems wrapping my mind around giving up pleasures for spiritual enlightenment. I guess I want think you can have both :)

So anyway I put in a search engine the Philosophy of the Matrix because I wanted to know more about the background of the philosophy. And I found several good articles but this one is the one that caught my eye the most. Then taking that I did a search on Gnostic Christianity.

It is kind of odd for me because I was raised as a Lutheran. I went to church, bible school, Sunday school, all sorts of classes at church and never did I hear of Gnostic Christianity. And my church was big on teaching other religions. I also took 2 religion classes in college and never heard of it either. That kind of surprises me.

The site was very interesting to me because things I have "felt" or had faith or a knowing in, but never knew why I thought that way - were there on this site. When I started learning more about Buddhism some of those feelings, faith or knowing were also confirmed…validated I guess. It was like a searching and then when I read it….I was like wow so I am okay for thinking and feeling this way. Not sure I am making sense. There just always has been things inside me that I took on faith and some of those things are confirmed in Buddhism and now actually the Gnostic Christianity.

I have never been a huge material person. I mean I like my things my books, and bits and pieces (candles, pictures, boxes and such) but I am not a person who needs things to be confirmed successful. I have always felt there was something that I needed to access inside to basically become more aware. Maybe I got some of that from Celestine Prophecy or again maybe that was just another catalyst to confirm things I knew inside…that resounding faith in the quietness that is beyond.

Anyway it gave me a lot of food for thought - things I am sure I will be thinking about for some time to come and I am sure it will continue to do so after we see the Revolution.

On to the next subject….

This morning I was thinking of Don. I have been thinking about him on and off lately. But I am sure it is because of the time of the year. Anyway, I was thinking of a time that I have always had lots of problems with in my past, but for some reason when I thought of it this year…I did not get so upset.

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So I think I am going to tell stories of old…

I was 18 just barely when I started to see Don. We worked together. He was older…and going to med school. One night at work he came up to me and said you are coming home with me tonight and I am going to fuck you hard. I was kneeling on the floor and looked up at him about to say something like yeah right over my dead body and when I looked at him something inside sparked and I just said yes.

After work I followed him to the house where he lived with about 8/9 other guys. It was a big old Victorian house. It had one of grand entrances only it was kind of run down from time and not being kept up. But you could tell that in its day it had been absolutely beautiful. He led me to his bedroom - we chatted a bit and then he had me strip, but not just take clothes off. He told me how to do it. Each button to be undone, how to slip my panties off. It was very directed...and very commanding. It just did not occur to me to say why or let me just do this my way. So after we were undressed he then led me into the bathroom where we took a shower. A hot soapy shower where he washed every bit of me and then dried me off very tenderly. He then led me to his bed where he pushed me down and was rough holding me down…biting me…grabbing me hard...digging his fingers into my body…and fucking me hard. He did some spanking and slapping. It seem to happen so fast. I remember having a powerful exploding orgasm though. He came fast too. We fucked again with even more intense orgasm. And after he was very loving and tender. He told me I was a good girl. I saw the time and knew my parents would start to worry soon if I did not get home. So I told him I needed to leave. He told me to get dressed. He watched me and right before I finished he called me to him. He kissed me and told me that I would come back tomorrow. He told me when to be there, what to wear and what we would do when I got there. I just said yes.

And there it started….my life of being owned. Maybe it sounds just like rough sex…maybe it sounds like a quickie…maybe it sounds like just some fun between 2 people….

Sometimes I wish it had been….but then I realized that I probably would have never known my desires until much later….

It is hard to live with what he did as it wasn't all good. Some days I can feel the wetness grow between my legs when I think of what he did. I will replay a moment with him over and over building myself to that brink…never even touching just closing my eyes and seeing the images behind my eyes….in the memories that I carry forever. I bring myself to the edge of orgasm with the thoughts of his abuse.

Abuse….

It is an accurate description…right? Some will say yes. And others will say he was on the edge of it but not there. But I wanted it….

That is what I hear always in the darkness. I hear that voice inside that I hate to say is there - telling me I wanted him to do everything that he did. I wanted him to abuse me. I deserved it. I deserve it.

The emotional masochist was born then….

Well probably not…she was born long before that…unfortunately. But she was brought to the surface with Don. That voice that I tried not to listen to was pushed in my face so when I looked in the mirror I knew it - not just thought it quietly down deep. I could not pretended that it was not there….I faced it. I saw who I was….

Who I still am….at times.

I woke up last night dreaming of Todd last night. I am sure there are a couple reasons for that but moments with Todd were like that and so I am mixing memories of Todd and Don.

I find it so ironic that Todd wanted to fix me yet he broke me. Even more amusing to me is that he was broken and trying to fix me. But I guess that is not uncommon….if someone does not have the courage to fix themselves I am sure trying to fix others makes them feel better about themselves for a little bit. Unfortunately I think he would have been better off working in a soup kitchen then trying to fix something that was not broken.

I am sidetracked….

I wanted to tell a story of old….just some little ones for now…the rest coming soon I am sure….

The next day after school I arrived to his house. One of the other guys let me in and I went to his room knocked on the door. He said come in. He said just stand there until I am done. I stood there. And stood there. And stood there. There were no moment thinking I should not be standing there. There were actually moments of - am I shifting my weight too much? being a distraction? am I breathing too loud? am I making too much noise? But there was never a moment saying gawd why is this man making me stand here. I felt he was busy and doing important things and I was to wait.

I am not even sure how long I stood there….now. But when he turned around he was smiling and motioned to me to come over and I melted. I walked over to him and he made a motion and I kneeled before him. He was sitting in a chair at his desk and turned so that I was kneeling between his legs. He stroked my hair and asked me how my day was and such. He asked me questions about my classes and friends and work. He would make notes every once in a while. After a while of talking he basically spelled things out for me. He told me when I would work handing me a schedule that I needed to give to work. He gave me a schedule of when I would be there which was pretty much everyday for at least sometime. He told me how he wanted me to dress and eat. He told me that I needed to ask if I wanted spend money, go out with friends, that all my free time from school and work would be to do what he wanted to make him happy.

And that is how it started....I was very happy then. I remember being so happy. Nothing was explained about what we were doing....it just was...that was nice.

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On to other things...

I wrote a letter to my best friend from high school last night. I lost contact with her when I was in Ohio. And have been thinking about her a lot lately and so I decided it was time to track her down. I did with Master's help and hope to hear from her.

My parents are coming to visit next weekend. It was kind of sprung on me but also the last time I talked to my Mom she had asked if it was okay to do that - spring it on me. They were waiting to catch a deal on tickets. I am looking forward to see my parents and have them meet Master. Since I have been sick this week....next week I will be kicking ass on the house since I didn't really do anything this week.