Thursday, December 15, 2005

Holidays and Family

The end of the summer Master told me he doesn't want to spend holidays with family anymore...his or mine. I expressed my sadness in family and holidays are very important to me. But in the end, I bend to Master. And so I am bending outwardly but still struggling inwardly although I see how wonderful just being alone for the holidays too.

At the time I think I kind of stuffed and denied it as I didn't want to think about it. But then the end of October with all the holidays approaching it started to bounce around in my brain...a lot. And now it has slowed down I am looking forward to a cozy, quiet, romantic Christmas with Master.

Master cares and loves his family and mine. He just does not like holidays and families together as he feels it creates a lot of unnecessary drama. He enjoys the time he has with them throughout the year that are less strained and have less drama. I have seen that drama with his family and others but I really don't have that with mine and the holidays (although I have had it in the past) so I think that is one reason I have struggled with it. Because there is not that drama in my family. It is togetherness that we share at the holidays that I will miss.

He told me enjoyed Christmas with my family and how it lacked the drama that holidays usually entail for him. I had not seen my parents for over a year but they are very laid back and encouraged us - Master and I - to have alone time and take their car to go shopping or explore on our own. They don't guilt, pressure or insist...they just kind of let things flow. But even though he really did enjoy his time there - He still prefers holidays just being us - two. And I understand that and I do enjoy holidays alone with Master but of course there is the parts of me that thinks about my family's Christmas' and thinks I might never get that again - so makes me sad too.

I know that it will make my family very sad also. I did tell my Mom recently that Master prefers to have holidays alone. And I could tell she was sad but she did not guilt, did not lash out in hurt feelings - she said she could understand that but hoped that he enjoyed Christmas with them last year. I expressed how much he enjoyed Christmas with them to her and I think that made her feel a little better that it was not their time with him last year that made him not want to have Christmas with family. I don't think she got the full impact of what I said....I don't think she has actually put it all together -- but I knew what it meant....I almost started crying on the phone when I told her.

I don't see my family very often and so I know that is a huge factor to my not adapting to this very well. Master gets to see his family much more as we live in the same state as them. So to me I can almost see his reason not needing or wanting to see his family on the holidays because he sees them throughout the year. He would rather make his time off at the holidays quality time together for just the 2 of us. And I love that He wants that quality time with me and to create our own memories. I want that too.

But since I don't get to see my family.....I see them once a year or less. And that is why I think this is particularly hard for me to accept gracefully. I miss my family throughout the year often. So I struggle because on the one hand I love the alone time that Master and I create. Our first Christmas together was just the 2 of us and it was very warm and cozy. But on the other hand I also love Christmas' with my family. The holiday is a big deal with my family. It is just a wonderful time with my family.

Part of the holiday spirit is family for me -- not always meaning seeing family but remembering and celebrating your love for your family. Christmas at my parents house is always very special and captures that spirit so well - not just meaning gifts - but my family does seem to go all out. But just sitting around sipping a cup of wassil and sharing with each other, taking a walk in the Christmas snow, laughing while standing in Mom's warm kitchen and so on. Just many joyous moments that capture our love for each other. And it isn't stressed or just enjoying the Christmas spirit together.

So with my struggles - I try to flip it and see positives of having Master all to myself on Christmas! Having a cozy, quite, romantic Christmas!

1 comment:

  1. danae,

    when i was last collared it was to a Master who did not care for Christmas *wry smile.* He celebrated it for me but it was a small celebration, away from our famililes. And it hurt. Like you, i understood His intention but it was hard not to spend the holiday with my family even though i see my family a lot as they are in the same town.

    I cannot imagine what it is like for you living in a different state, except to think of my rt sis, who is literally in tears this year b/c it is the first Christmas in over 10 years she will spend with us.

    I hope you are able to enjoy a good holiday with your Master and that you both find and love that quality "just us" time together. Sometimes to start new holiday traditions it hurts like heck to let go of the old.

    I really hope your Christmas is a good one!!



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