In a Funk....

How come it is I will be a blogging fool with tons of posts for several days and then I just can't write. I have tons of topics in my head but nothing wants to come out right now. I hate when that happens.

So a life update is in order...

This past weekend we had a nice relaxing weekend. No pressure to do anything. We just were lazy, watched movies - and had some quality time. It was very nice.

I just had written - not too long ago about not having that many migraines and of course I jinxed myself as I have been battling one all week. It is not as bad as it could be though so I am thankful for that.

I have chatted with several friends this week and so that has been very nice. Which reminds me a few links that friends have been passing on to me...first one seems really interesting as you put in the charity of your choice and every time you use the site as a search engine they send money to your charity of choice. GoodSearch is powered by yahoo and usually I am a google slut but I think I will be giving Good Search my time because it will be for a good cause. And then the same friend passed on a link that I think those that watched that movie trailer for "The Pet" will be interested in....the pyramid cage. MMM Hot! Something that was posted by the Poly Weekly Podcast is this link to a list of poly movies, music and such. I don't like the list all that much because it puts in cheating behind primary's back as poly. And that is not what I consider poly...that is cheating. And this last one found via a LiveJournal community...a list of adult oriented podcasts check out Violet Blue's Sex Podcast Directory.

So what else....

Things just feel off lately....I am very much a person if my world is organized my thoughts are organized. And lately nothing seems to be organized.

I am really frustrated with cleaning lately. We have some circumstances right now that makes it impossible for me to make things look nice and neat...where everything put away. I can clean and I can make it look straightened up but I can't actually put everything away. And so it is frustrating me. It sends me into kind of a tailspin of what can I do...where to start...how to make it better....and then it all comes down to nothing much I can do about it at the moment and that makes me feel worse.

I have several websites I have needed to be working on and I just can't get things right. My coding sucks. Nothing lines up right. Nothing looks good together. Nothing is just right.

The only thing I want to be doing - that seems to be going okay is my art. And when I spend time on it lately I feel horribly guilty as other areas aren't perfect so how can I sit and spend time with art. So instead of doing anything I come to be online and mess around with photoshop hoping it will inspire me for the website but really it isn't.

Add in insomnia again - which is I am sure a symptom of me not feeling organized. And so I am in a funk right now. I know it will pass. And I know I will drag myself out of it.

As I was thinking of my funk and things to do to help me get out of it. I was making notes of what I want to do and it made me think of making a loose schedule for myself for next week. Anyway, that made me think Master will ask me if I need his "help" in it...meaning some more structure. And I know a lot of submissives would happy that their Dominant is giving hands on...but for me....I don't like it. I don't know when I got that way either. It hasn't always been that way. But really the last 2 years maybe a little longer. If Master has to stop and help me - help get me on track - I feel usually a little annoyed - with myself - because if he has to stop what he is doing to work with me then I feel I am not doing my job right. My job is to make his life easier and enhance it so he doesn't have to worry about all the little things that make the household run. And so I just like to handle it myself - get back on track so I don't have to pull him away from other things in his life.

I asked a question on a yahoogroup recently about submission being about pleasing and obeying or can it just be one of the other. I saw something similar asked a forum and it made me think about my life as a slave. When I was first here, it was about pleasing and obeying. But I have to say lately I don't feel it is about pleasing. Okay scratch that...it is about pleasing but not actively pleasing. What I mean is I know what pleases Master and I don't think about it anymore. It is I just do it. If it wouldn't please him then I don't do it. I don't think about it though...I don't actively go through the thought process that - "oh this will please Master so I am going to do it specifically to please him." It will please him. I don't need or want a reward for doing it. I just do it. I am sure my thoughts on this are not coming out right. I think it needs more time to bang around in my brain for a while.

Signing off this thing for a bit to go iron! yay me....NOT! At least I will get to watch Alias while ironing!