This is part 2 so if you haven't read part 1...you might want to check that out first. So I mentioned previously that I didn't desire poly with someone living with us because of my past. And that is mostly due to the poly family. When I was involved in the poly family I didn't like it because of how it was done. There were never any clear boundaries, direction or talk of what poly meant to the family as a whole...where it would and wouldn't go. So there were always things coming into play that surprised, disappointed, shocked me because nothing was discussed upfront. And I went into that situation. I know better now of course. Especially in a poly type situation communication is so important.
Basically it came to be that he was the Master so therefore he did what he wanted. Now Master can do what he wants too but he also believes in the over all long term health of this relationship. And so just as an example (that yes happened in my poly past) going out and having sex without protection with someone he doesn't know very well - won't happen because he would worry about STD's and pregnancy and such. Now I know everyone who passed through the poly family learned a lot by being in the situations we encountered. It was a learning experience. So I am not wanting to slam the dominant or anyone in the relationship. I just am trying to point out things that didn't and did work in the relationship for me.
Another really hard thing for me was the looking for others. There seemed to be a lot of set ups...that came crashing down. He would fall head over heels for someone and then the rest of us would be introduced and get head over heels and then crash when it wouldn't work out. It always seemed rushed and often the girls really didn't want poly - they would want him or want one of the girls but not everyone or to live in a poly family. And it became a hard emotionally over time. It was very draining and I ended up creating lots of walls and barriers. Although I understood not liking everyone in the family. I also learned that they were family and my biological family often annoys me, hurts me and angers me...but we also have a lot of caring for each other. And that was the same for the poly family.
As I said before there weren't any clear boundaries or discussion of what poly meant in our family. It was just kind of done as we went along. And changed too. So you might get used to one way - such as always meeting the girls right as he met them and then suddenly they would be practically moving in (which actually happened) without ever having talking to any of the girls. For me - what I like is if this person is going to be living with us that we all met at the same time. I didn't think every meeting had to include all us girls but I felt for the first meeting it was important that the other person "get" we are a family. Because I felt that was often forgotten or pushed to the side. So my ideal would be that we would meet and get to know the person as the dominant gets to know the person. Now I believe that it is very important for the dominant and the new girl to have their own one on one time to build that bond...the D/s bond. And I also think it is just as important that the girls have one on one time with the newest so that they can each develop their own bond with her.
One reason I wanted everyone to meet right away as I said above is because I felt at times the new person would like to "forget" that there was a large poly family behind the dominant. Often there were girls the dominant would be interested in that didn't want to meet the us all. And not only that - they usually pretended we didn't exist. We wouldn't be acknowledged. That always bothered me. It would be like a man started dating a woman with kids and he never wants to meet the kids. Not that we were kids of course. But we were family and a part of the dominant's family....and so that just never made sense to me why would anyone want to be involved with just a part of a person. And it goes the other way around too why would a woman be involved with a man that doesn't want to meet the rest of her family. It actually something that comes up in my relationship with Master now. He has several girls that call or im and they never acknowledge I am here. When I answer the phone, you can always tell...that they don't want to talk to me. There is usually a long pause like "damn she answered I don't want to talk to her." And they always the ones that want Master to play with them, or wanted him before I got together with him that never acknowledge me.
Poly is a lot of hard work. I wrote an essay years and years ago that kind of goes with this post: Common Problems within Poly Relationships.
(to be continued - next post memories from the poly family - the good, the bad and the ugly)
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