Poker Night
The guys often had a poker night. They would play poker, drink and have a small gathering for it. They had 3 tables set up in the apartment. I would sit on the floor next to Brian during them – jumping to get him another beer or any of the guys there at the table, getting a bowl of chips or popcorn and putting in new music for Brian and so on. During one of the games there was this guy there that worked for a local radio station. He mentioned that he often got free tickets to concerts. I can’t remember who it was that was coming in concert now but I remember wanting to go. This guy was talking about that he was going to a bunch of summer concerts. As he went through the summer line up that he was going to, he mentioned such and such artist I screamed. I can't remember who it was now but obviously someone I liked. Maybe Depeche Mode because I remember listening to them lots that summer. Brian looked at me – like “OKAY!” So this guy was talking how that for that concert he had backstage tickets and was going to a party after the concert too. He flirted with me. I remember noticing it was very overt and I was confused why he was doing that with Brian right there. Eventually the guy said, "you want to go?" I said, "really?" He said, "yes if you do something for me." I inquired what he would want me to do. He basically wanted to know what I was willing to do for the concert tickets. I looked at Brian and he said, "this is your deal." I didn’t know what to say or do. I was completely flustered, but tried to just flirt and say "he couldn’t handle me"….or something along those lines. I remember being utterly embarrassed that this guy was so overt in front of Brian and a room full of guys…I was the only girl in the room.
I remember the conversation in private after -- asking Brian why he did not say anything to this guy. He basically told me he thought I might want to make the deal and go to the concert. He said it so just matter of fact - like me going and making a deal to have sex or whatever with someone else was so everyday. By the way this was getting towards the end of our relationship. I asked him if he would have been upset or jealous if I had made a deal and he said yes right away. I then pointed out to him he should have said something to me and/or the guy. He said, "you are not mine." It hurt...it stung. I turned away and let some tears out where he could not see.
Talking to Animation
We were going to an arcade type place that had video games, arcade games, a roller rink, and lots of fast food. I was to pick Brian up - we were meeting Dee, her boyfriend and a few other friends at the arcade. Brian came out of the apartment with a blonde girl and 1 guy. Interesting that I can still remember what she looks like but I have no idea what the guy looked like. Anyway, Brian was flirting with the girl. He said he was riding with them. I was irritated, as I could have just gone to the arcade instead of all the way to his apartment. Plus I hated that he wanted to go with her instead of me…his girlfriend. We got to the place and he was laughing a lot – and the tone and manner I knew he was flying really high and so was she. By this point in our relationship he knew not to even try to say do you want some because of all the bad times associated with him getting strung out -- I said no even to pot.
So we get to the arcade and he is still flirting and touching her lots. Finally he became interested in me again and drags me to go play a game. We are playing 2 person. It is his turn and he starts talking to the game…but he keeps looking to the side of the game like someone is standing there. I said, "Brian who are you talking to?" And he said a name…it was the name of the character in the game (can’t remember which game it was at this time). He thought the character was standing next to the game cheering him on.
I lost it. I told him I was leaving and to go home with the blonde - "...to fuck her and get stoned because obviously those things were more fun to him." His reply was a laugh and then, "okay." I heard that he slept with her but I never had the nerve to ask him. And I am sure I didn't want to ask as the truth would hurt more then the lie at that moment.
The night we broke up basically…
We went to a party the 4 of us – Dee, her boyfriend and Brian and I. But he kept acting very distant…he did not hold hands - he did not even kiss me when they picked me up. He just sat in the car being distant – when I asked him about it and said he had been like that a lot lately he rolled his eyes at me and looked away.So we get to this party. It was huge…lots of people there – it was the end of the summer back to school party. So lots of drinking & dancing…it is summer to lots of skimpy clothes and bodies pressed together. So, I am trying not to dwell on Brian and just mingling, dancing and drinking. While dancing I look up and see someone watching me....it was Jeff…my first real boyfriend that I wrote about in a previous post. He looked so HOT! And I looked really good that night too. And he told me so over and over again -- how hot I looked. He was starring at me with hunger. So it is hot in the house with all those people -- we went outside to talk and catch up. Brian came outside looked at me and walked in back inside. I told Jeff I needed to go find Brian…and so we said goodbyes. I went to find Brian and said that I was only talking with Jeff. He said, "yeah right." I went on to tell him I never cheated on him. (I had caught him making out with a girl at a party when he was drugged out plus had heard he had been with other girls at parties that I couldn’t go to - so thought it was kind of ironic he was upset thinking i was cheating when he was the one that did). Before Brian, when I got involved with someone -- I made sure that the guys knew I would not be exclusive to them…that I liked my freedom to date… but with Brian…well I loved him and felt when you loved someone you could only be with them (now learned differently but I did not know that then). He said something like yeah right again -- and went on to tell me that my friend Dee told him I never was faithful to one guy. I said I never was faithful because I had never loved anyone but that I loved him. The kiss of death…I said the L word. We had more words he stomped off and a little later I saw him flirting with a girl and just as I saw that Jeff walked up to me to see if I was okay. I turned to him and burst into tears….he ushered me out and let me cry…held me and such. He then of course took advantage of the situation and kissed me….I stopped him for a moment and then internally I said fuck Brian thinks I have cheated then I might as well…and kissed him back. We went to his car…I gave him a blowjob. After, we were walking back to the party and I see Brian…he is walking towards Jeff and yelling…I can’t understand what he is saying…at this point I am pretty trashed. Brian rushes Jeff and starts hitting him….they fight…I try to break it up but Brian ends up hitting me accidentally. I fall back…trying to catch myself tumble off the curb…twisting my ankle and scraping up my arm as I fell into the gravel road. Finally Dee’s boyfriend stops Brian and Jeff’s friends stop him. Brian comes over to me to say he is sorry but all I can think of him hitting me….and I push him away. So he leaves….he in one car in me another. That was it…we never talked about it. We stopped dating. When I finally tried to talk about it he just said no that it was over and no need to go over it.
It was really hard for me to get over him. We remained friends for a while. I saw him at school - had classes with him and more so I ended up picking him up and driving him home after school - he had moved back in with his mom and so only lived a few blocks from me. We lost contact when I left to go to college. I have heard some bits and pieces about him over the years as my ex-husband's Mom is friends with Brian's Mom. I heard he got sober and clean, started a lawn business, had kids and got married. Every once in a while I get the urge to talk to him and make sure he is happy because he was often very sad and unsure of his place in the world. I also want to know if he has kept with his art as he was very talented.
Okay next piece will go back to my childhood....just a little bit though as I don't remember as much about my childhood as I do other points in my life.
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