WARNING: Emo!

So every time I sat here to write an entry today....I just sat here. Yet I have lots rolling around my brain but it's not coming out - some of it also feels like it shouldn't. Then tonight I actually had some time to do art but I couldn't...I organized. I sat and looked at the piece before. I knew what I wanted to do but was just frozen - scared to start again. It is always like this when I go so long in between creating.

The last few week I have felt extremely emotional and I am not even pmsing. I feel sad, overwhelmed, angry at the world, and frankly not very happy or good. I feel at odds with myself. I feel lost. I feel like maybe I am not me. I have no desire for almost anything. I don't feel particularly slave-like these days. I don't feel artist-like. I think of my family and want to call but no desire to call at the same time. I have lots of cards and packages here for friends that I want to send and at the same time I just look at them and feel not now...no energy. And now several presents will be late.

I looked at bunches of SM porn the other night and my body reacted. I got really wet. But I cried. I cried that I didn't feel anything looking at them. I was sorting through them and really it was almost obliviously to me that they were naked, gagged and tied up. It didn't register emotionally for me that these are things that usually turn me and so I didn't get that arousal emotionally - I didn't feel all the things I usually feel when I start getting turned on. I only reacted physically. And so that made me cry.

So I just keep doing work and going from moment to moment. And I feel emotional and empty at the same time.

And really it is all because of what the work is doing to me. I am not used to it and maybe I will get used to it.

On to a life update so that I don't make you suffer through the emo....

Last Friday I screwed up and so work stuff has still actually been screwed up all week. My client the week before she wants her site live goes out of town with no way to reach her. So this week has been kind of the waiting game and also starting the next projects.

Nothing else really going on beside work.